UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
tobe-I don’t know of a good background check. I am thinking of doing one on mine too-just out of curiosity. The only thing that I found out was that his wife ran out on a $3500 vet bill and didn’t pay it after they moved. I found a collection agency letter in some of my things. He must have left it in my home with some of his papers that he left when he bailed. It would be hard to get one on your guy from a police dept because he was a cop. He might have a PIB file but I that would be impossible to get.
Ugh…this is scary.
My xb/f…was married ..second time and told me that his xwife…had a daughter.
This little girl turned out to be a “theif, drug dealer, and pimp…she had girls prostituting for her at the age of 15″
She ended up stealing HIS car out of the driveway.” He called the police on his wife’s child….who lived with them, of course…and thats when his wife said…I’m going to tell the police you lied”
THIS is HIS side of the story. Boy, would I love to find that xwife and find out the truth of the whole thing.
He RAN back home to this state…and left her there with a house that foreclosed..which he supposedly built.
He retired at age 42…young. The girls at work said that they probably forced him out and didn’t believe he was ever a cop because they said that he is so “dumb”…lol
He was a cop..I know that. But, the poor second wife. I would love to hear HER side. I’d be afraid to find her and call. She might be as sick as him???? WHo knows. I did that once with another socio (who wanted to be a cop)…that I was going to marry. She told me EVERYTHING about him .
But, then she called him crying the next day!! He wanted to KILL me…almost did..pushed me down a flight of stairs.
Gotta watch out for cops they say. My g/f was involved with one and found out SO MUCH about him …after they split up..after he dumped her for a woman 15 yrs younger…ugh!
I would be VERY careful with men in position of power..
DOctors . …CEO’s…business owners….Cops….even Teachers.
I usually dated all of the above. UGH!!
I won’t ever ever date another doctor. I am not going to even think about dating until after I become an officer. Nothing is going to de-rail me again. If it does happen then and I meet someone, I will be VERY VERY careful and do background checks and I will NOT give up sex so easily. A*** and I waited a month to have sex and that is a long time by today’s standards. I am going to be super careful about giving it up because it’s too devastating when they turn out to be bad.
Silver…..
Almost everything he TOLD me was exact opposite.
He said that when he was a cop, so many women would come onto him..but he was married and would say no..that even the guys on the job asked him if he was gay.
I don’t believe that for one second.
He told me that when he told his brother that I ended it with him because I found him on a porn site…his brother said..
“YOU??”
HE EVEN FOOLS HIS BROTHER!!! ( not his real brother anyway..just calls him that)
He lies to his own daughter…borrows money from her all of the time…..
Doesn’t make sense! She is a single mom with 2 kids from 2 different men…and no child support! He is retired with a pension and works too!!!
(She lies and beats the system too….)
They are such predators…its sickening.
A gynecologist I was seeing when I was 26 yrs old…used to make comments about me having a “cute cervix”.
Then, one day, he called me at my house…and asked me to go away with him for the weekend.!!!
I almost died of shock!!!!
I said…”Aren’t you married? I saw pictures of your wife and kids on your desk???”
He said….”Yes, but its a bad marriage”
OMG…this was YEARS ago…I remember shaking for days after that. I should have reported him. I was so young and scared …only told one person in my life.
No….I will never TRUST a man or anyone for a long time..they have to REALLY earn it…and I WILL do my homework next time around.
BACKGROUND CHECKS galore…
If anyone knows of a reputable one….let me know.
No one is ever going to get anything from me until they earn my trust either. That is totally gross about the gyno doc. I could not date someone who looked at other women’s coochies all day long.
I don’t respect anyone anymore just because they are any kind of Professional…
They say we have a persona and shadow…I want to see the shadow before I trust anyone….
You NEVER really know anyone. All I can say is that my girls come home and tell me about kids in school that they either like or don’t like…from hello.
Kids listen to their vibes. I told them to NEVER ignore those vibes….I am teaching them LIFE SKILLS….
NEVER trust anyone.
When people meet me, they think I am so calm and laid back…and sweet.
Yet, they never saw me scream and have a meltdown!!! I tell everyone that…noone really knows anyone.
Especially “quiet” people. Like my one daughter. She keeps everything to herself. SHE is the one who has meltdowns at times…because she doesn’t talk about things that bother her..to anyone.
My other two WEAR their emotions…
Everyone that worked with my mother thinks she was the sweetest, nicest, most loving person on earth.
Behind closed doors…OMG! She was a witch.
My socio sister, who she abused, cries over her death…because he became her…..she is crying for herself.
Ugh…I am SO glad I got her out of my life too.
tobe-I hear ya on that girl! I am just worried about myself. I honestly feel very afraid when I even think about dating. It scares me. I never want to go through that much pain again
I have all sorts of “professional” people around me all the time and I trust them as far as I can throw them. Those women are so mean and nasty too. Because of what I’ve been through with this man, I am TOTALLY intolerant of bad behavior-no matter who’s doing it!
tobe-I really applaud you for being such a good mom. I wish I could be a mom-so much. You are right about kids having ‘vibes’ about people. Never let your daughters ignore those.I’ll tell you my story sometime about kid’s vibes that made me want to become a police officer in the first place. It was all about me having bad vibes about someone.
Thanks Erin…you are still young. My g/f didn’t have a child until she was 42!! I had one at 37,39, and 40. Tick tack toe….lol…with a sociopath!!! The first one was planned..the second two were “don’t divorce me sex” from him. UGH…
Just think..after what we just went through..how TOUGH and strong we will be in time.
THEN…we will attract the same. Not these weak little monsters who go through life lying to themselves.
I LIKE the new me. I am not a people pleaser anymore…and I feel more secure now…and I feel NORMAL again..and I even noticed a difference in the people I gravitate toward.
I walk away from people who I get bad vibes from…FAST.
Learning to trust myself and stand up for myself now…
BOUNDARIES…..love them.