UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
And…remember…stay ANGRY at THEM…not at yourself.
I know that I was living in fantasyland…I forgive myself…because it was what I needed at the time…to fill a void.
But, now, once we get THROUGH this…not OVER it…not AROUND it…but THROUGH it….we will be SUPER STRONG..and NOONE will ever knock down those walls again….
STRONG LOVE can break down strong walls……..
We will KNOW to follow our gut feelings and listen to our doubts…with ALL people out there in the crazy jungle we live in..
I just feel stronger everyday.
People say…”move on” and “get over it”
NOPE…I’m on here to share and get it out and go through it with people who understand.
I’m glad I found all of you…
I still feel like I’m having trouble in that area-with boundaries and red flags. Every relationship I’ve had has been with these monsters. I am very careful about who I have around me and I don’t disclose things about myself to people I meet. The emotional predator likes people to disclose and talk about themselves and their past. A*** wanted to know so many things about me and was vague about his past.
They pay close attention to your facial expressions when you talk and they are experts at reading just the places where they can snare you. These guys report that they can scan a room and immediately tell which women are vulnerable or who have been recently hurt. They prey on them and no just how to get them. They are the worst kind of evil.
The emotional predator is A***. I read this part of the book and it is him-right there on paper. I don’t know the new me yet. I am good at picking up on other people’s red flags, but not mine. I still don’t trust myself. I am not a people pleaser anymore either. I am waiting on a book about that-it should be here 2moro.
I really miss sex, but I’m totally terrified of it at the same time
Your’e right about how they study your expressions. My x, before we dated…saw how I reacted to a woman we work with…who I was upset with…
He said to me…”Oooh…2b can be a b&tch”…
I said…What do you mean?
He said…”You should have seen your face”
He was studying me.
They are so shrewd….wow
YOU will be able to identify them .
From now on, everyone IS a socio until proven otherwise.
Guilty until you prove you aren’t …lol
My new motto
tobe-It’s time for me to go to my bed now. I have to go to my stinkin’ job tomorrow and find out if I’m getting approved for a car or not, or if not, getting a second opinion on my transmission. I would much rather spend time reading or talking to you and the others on here. I would rather be cleaning my house than going to work. Good night-tobe and sleep tight.
My r/s was very sexual…the most sexual one I ever had with a man.
I was so into him because I thought he LOVED me so much! Thats what turned me on.
At the end…I didn’t even want to be with him anymore. He saw this. Once I found out that he was lying again…I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t even want to see him anymore…
We got back in mid October and three weeks later…he pulled something…and I was emotionally OUT by then.
I stayed a few more months…but didn’t want to get togehter alot. Finally set boundaries…and he RAN.. but then kept trying.
It was pretty much a friends with benefits r/s…
He only played me on what he thought I wanted… a commitment.
They will do anything and say anything to get sex…
Good Night Erin……
Remember ….STRONGER everyday!
Good luck with your car!!! HUGS
Wow! Going back and reading old posts and trying to catch up. I didn’t even see the responses to my old posts about my dream (which were right on the money). And did I read what I think I read about Oxy keeping bull scrotums in her freezer? ROF!!!!! Okay, that beats the HECK out of the dead rats I keep in my freezer to feed to my boa constrictors (not joking here).
Also, for erin, reading about your quest to figure out what a red flag is….Sometimes it only takes recognizing one. One is all you need. My therapist had directed me to read a book called “Safe People”. It talked about the traits of safe vs unsafe people. I read it and nodded through the whole book because I figured I was already aware of all these red flags. But one popped out that I’d never thought about: Unsafe people try to encourage you to trust them right away. Safe people are okay with you taking your time to trust them. This one trait alone led me to “diagnose” a few unsafe people who passed through my life in the last 3 months. Unsafe people act like you have a problem if you don’t trust them. They try to undermine your healthy boundaries. They tell you the past is the past and to let go of your fears (of them). Sound familiar? They try to make you wrong for setting limits. I had one old bf that wanted to sleep with other people and tried to make me think my jealousy was something I needed to overcome because it was based in fear. This really undermined my self esteem. Not only did I feel jealous, but I judged myself for it.
Now, I get angry when I encounter someone like that. I think to myself….”Hmmmm. They don’t want to get to know me. They want to impose their beliefs on me and tell me how I ‘should’ feel. Nope. Not buying.” To me, that’s a sign of a narcissist.
I’m adding a red flag of my own. Unsafe people try to hit on you for sex right away. I recently met a very fun couple on Craig’s List who were looking for a roommate. They wined and dined me; we played guitar and sang together. I taught them how to do massages for each other. We had a fabulous time. I believed I’d made some new friends. The NEXT day, the husband sent me an email asking me for more “passionate touching” and said his wife was on board with it because she “didn’t have the gift of touch.” This felt very confusing to me because I’d already started bonding to them as friends. I ended up getting very angry because I felt manipulated. The sex talk is a HUGE red flag to me. I told them how I felt, and they rescinded the sex talk and were very nice about it. They still wanted to be my friends. But I couldn’t ever trust them again. Whereas before, I was so needing of attention that that would have been flattering to me, now I just get creeped out by it. As I SHOULD. Finally able to see the forest for the trees.
Wow, Stargazer….
I can’t believe how many SICK people are in this world…and you can’t even judge a book by its “cover”.
When I was younger, I trusted EVERYONE…I opened myself up to people before I got to know THEM.
Once, the principal of my school where I worked, started rumors about me being a “slut” . All I did was let him sweet talk me into telling him some “problems” I had. I told him that I never really dated. When I accepted a date from a guy, I usually knew if I’d like him right away, and I ended up staying in a r/s with him for a year or so. In other words…if I thought he was my “type” …I’d go out on a date…and usually if I did…and he liked me…we’d ended up staying together.
He TWISTED this around and told people in work that I slept with every man I ever accepted a DATE with!!
I was in my early twenties and I was SHOCKED!
Now, he died soonafter of a brain tumor…and everyone cried….except ME. I knew he was a phony. Everyone loved him and worshipped him. They even named an auditorium after him!!!!
BRB
2B:
YUCK!
I came into life trying to ‘prove’ I was a good person…..for some reason growing up…..this is what I developed…..It never occured to me that people had to earn my trust…..I always viewed it at I have to show them i’m trustworthy…..WTF?
Anyone would ‘qualify’ to be in my circle…..but I had to prove to peeps I was worthy to be in thiers…..Warped huh!
NOW……I see my value…I cherich myself….and IF YOUR not worthy of ME……dismissed.
I don’t worry about ‘collecting’ people who trust me, or value me……I have a group of GREAT support whom I trust as they trust me….because we have spent time getting to know each other, helping EACH other and have earned the trust and respect mutually.
I am a trustworthy person, I KNOW THIS…..but I don’t go around proving it any longer…..I show it by my actions and caring for my friends and VALUED family…..NOT everyone can get in to my inner circle these days…..in fact….It’s an invitation only club now and not a club I stand at the door waiting to get into, seeing IF im good enough.
HI ErinBrock…
Yes, I was the same way. I guess when YOU feel unworthy, you don’t worry about others..your’e just worried about fitting in.
I am NO LONGER this way. I will NOT let just anyone into my life anymore. I may have LESS people, but I’d rather be alone than have people who aren’t really my “friend” in my life. If you can’t trust someone…there IS no friendship!
I’m taking care of ME now. I will NOT even be around my sisters…they don’t care about MY life..they are selfish narcisstic sociopaths.
I keep everyone at an “arms distance” now. Not so smiley and friendly. I see the world differently now. I am tougher, more reserved, and stronger with boundaries….something I lacked before.
I have changed and I’m sure that my circle of friends will too.
I don’t need “dead weight” and disappointments around me anymore.
This is one of the “gifts” I have received from the xmonster relationship. THey say that we learn about ourselves through relationships. I learned A LOT from being involved with this last one.
I am still recovering…no doubt. But, my trust factor with a lot of people is gone. It was never there….and THEY are gone. If I have to live inside of my little shell..my own world…with my girls, for awhile…so be it.
I hope to eventually get out in the world again and be able to feel comfortable and trust MYSELF to listen to my intuition for the rest of my life on this planet.
Right now…I’m protecting myself while I recover. I’m in the “recovery room”…and , until I am stable…this is where I will stay. I have no interest in meeting a male companion right now. Nor do I have any interest in meeting new friends.
You guys here are my BEST support. You have helped me more than anyone. I can share anything without being judged, and I feel understood.
Last night I told my sister-in-law about my feelings..my emotional state…and why. She understood. I was hesitant to tell her…since anyone who has NOT been involved with a pathological person…cannot understand what I am feeling.
I finally got an appt with a mental health center in town..took 2 months. I will start seeing a therapist in two more weeks!
I asked for an older person. They wanted to assign me to a 30 yr old woman and I requested older. She works with domestic violence victims. I hope she has experience to understand PTSD and can help me to calm down. I wake up with heart racing..and anxiety everyday lately.
Its going to take work…but I know that if I do the work…I will be okay in time. I know that I will NEVER get suckered into believing any jerk who tries to use me again…like my xb/f.
It just amazes me, when I think back…of how he RAN whenever I confronted him about his “slip ups”. In two years..I would confront him about not calling me back..his whereabouts..etc…and he ALWAYS turned it around and I ended up apologizing!!
This last time…I stuck to my guns. And when he RAN, I knew it was coming. I KNEW he wouldn’t like what I was going to unveil…his mask. THey are such cowards…..