UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
Tiger Woods is a POS. He said so many things to his mistresses that my ex said to me. His wife’s behavior is now echoing Elin’s behavior. She is a complete fool for taking him back. He WILL do it again. I was praying so hard that she would divorce him and take him for all he had.
I was praying so hard that my ex’s wife wouldn’t take him back at first. I wanted her to make him suffer. I thought she was so pathetic to hold on to him for the money. I’m glad she now because it kept him from killing me.
My ex’s wife stayed with him all those years too for her daughter-she said. It is really said though-the daughter is now 23 and found out what her dad did over this. It devastated her. She now knows that her dad is a piece of shit. Then, her mother gives her the message that it is ok for a man to cheat on you over and over again, as long as he is a smooth talker and can buy you back with tons of money and status. I feel for his daughter.
Erin..
I don’t understand why these women would humiliate themselves and play the fool and take them back!!
Where is their PRIDE? Or do they just have the Stockholm Syndrome???
God…the minute that I had proof that he was lying…which I should have investigated earlier…..
I was OUT!!!!
My God…what is Elin doing???
tobe-she is doing what my ex’s wife did. It’s pathetic. After he called me the last time, four months after he discarded me, I let him have it on the phone for an hour. He called to fake apologize to me to get closure.It was obvious that he was under the influence of heavy psych meds. He listened to me let him have it without getting angry. He was sedate. I was SO FREAKIN MAD after that phone call. I sent his wife an angry e-mail.
I asked her if she knew her stupid pathetic husband had called me. I knew that she had made contact with me off limits to him. I went off on her by e-mail. He had inflated my low self esteem during most of the relationship and then made it plummet in the end. It was so low in the end and she had a part in it too. She had told me when we first split, a list of horrid lies that he told her about me-blatant falsehoods, to make her believe that I wasn’t important to him. He admitted when he called me that he knew all those things were false and that he said them just to get her back. He said that he would tell her any lie he had to so she would take him back.
I was more angry than I had ever been in my life and I told her that he better not call me again. I told her what he said about telling whatever lies he had to so she would take him back. I told her how pathetic she was for taking him back and that herself esteem was infinitely lower than the two of them had made mine. I told her that she sucked as a mother for trying to smooth it all over with her daughter and being a pathetic role model to her. I think that e-mail was as mean as I had possibly been to anyone in my life,cuz I am not a mean person. I had just had enough of it all. She responded by saying-“IT’S ON AND I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN”! After that, I changed my e-mail address and phone number and was staying in Texas so they couldn’t find me.
The bottom line is that I am SO disappointed in Elin. It is a blazing red flag for me!
Wow…what a contaminated situation!
Erin…we have to be happy that we are out of it and not let this one experience “break” us!!
I woke up this morning and I said..”Tobe…you aren’t going to let this “experience” break you!
You are going to be STRONGER than ever because of it!!!!
I was getting something out of it. In the back of my mind, I wasn’t sure where it was going. Even though he was the one always saying how much he loved me….how he never “Planned on getting so serious with anyone”…etc…
I always felt that the relationship might be temporary..in my heart. I sortof accepted it, because even though he said he “loved me” it was never stepping up to the next level. So, I was keeping guard..deep inside of my heart. I knew “something” was “off”.
But, I think the part that got to me in the end, was how he sucked me back in after 3 months of No Contact.
He said…in a text…”I want to marry you”.
Now, truthfully, I KNEW he didn’t want to marry me or live with me while I still have children home…but I thought we would see each other exclusively and in a few years..maybe we could live together. He was the one always saying ..”If you didn’t have kids..we would be living together.”
I don’t think he really wants to ever be married again. He does want a live in “supply” of sex.
So…if I thought he was honest with me about everything in his life..and loyal…I would have stayed with him and accepted the situation as it was…being a “couple” but not living together and having fun together and best friends.
Thats all I wanted. I didn’t want a man in my house while I have my children. Which is why I accepted the situation as it was.
But, when I found him on dating sites..and lies about his xg/f and him owning the house together…I was DONE.
Yes..it was a dishonest relationship from his side. As far as I’m concerned…REAL friends are honest with each other. So….we weren’t really as close as I thought.
Thats about it. It was just a messed up situation because he is a secretive messed up person that can’t really be close to anyone.
Its NOT the kind of relationship I want with anyone. Its secretive, deceitful and with a very disordered person.
Just woke up and realized how messed up he really is. All of the character assassinations of people at work..all of the trouble he caused at that place…how he was toward my kids…how selfish he was …
WHo needs someone in their life like that? There IS a big world out there and I only want good people in my life now. If I get back out into the arena…I know that I can meet good people and pick up immediately on the bad people.
Just gotta stay strong and not lonely and desperate. When you are that way…you just settle.
Working on myself now…for a year.
tobe-good morning. Took my car over for her appt and walked home. I hope they can get done fast so I can get to work and not miss too much. I start at 10:00 but I told them I would be late today.
I am SO glad my situation is over. It was so messed up. I think he liked the element of danger in our relationship. He lived on the other side of the river so it was easy to take me out without fear of getting caught. We didn’t just stay in all the time. He always held my hand in public. We would go out to eat and he would have his arm around me or holding my hand on Magazine St on a busy Saturday. After the wife found out, people from her work told her that they say us together but didn’t want to tell her. It was bad because he and I worked together and then I moved to another hospital. Some people we knew worked at both places. If we were seen then everybody at both places found out.
It’s amazing that he never had any sort of plan in place about what would happen if we were found out. I figure it’s because he was in denial and didn’t think there was any way we would get found out. These s-paths think they can do whatever they want and get away with it. They think the rules don’t apply to them. He knew that I was about rules because I was trying to be a cop. He once bragged to me that he was riding around with expired license plates for 2 years and he hadn’t been caught yet. His job was just way too important to take time to do to the DMV-dumbass could have taken care of it on-line and chose not to.
That relationship was horrible because he use his control to keep me from ending it. I was resentful like hell that he was going home to someone else. How f*****up is it that we had to be worried about someone finding out. I always got really tired of having to hide all the time. THAT IS SO NOT NORMAL and will never be tolerated ever again. Any man who claims to love me had better be willing to tell that to people. I was so isolated. It felt horrible to love someone that much and not be able to share that with people I cared about.
NEVER AGAING-like the song. I don’t deserve anthing less than the absolute best. I DO NOT deserve a part time relationship. I was selling my self short and it will NEVER happen again!!!!!!!
I”m with you Erin!!!
My x and I worked together and kept it hidden. We were “hiding” too. One time, we went down to the casino and went to dinner. We sat by the window watching people walk by. It was midnight. Now, out of all of the casinos and resteraunts..we picked this one.
Wouldn’t you know…who came parading down right past us? Our ENTIRE staff!!!
I was facing out and they didn’t see us, but when I told him who just walked by…he jumped up and left and I had to wrap up the food…and try to find him as my cell phone was dying…figure out where the car was parked! OMG….It was awful.
He left because he didn’t want anyone to know that we were seeing each other. WHy? Because I defended his LIE at work..and he didn’t want them to know that it was because we had a r/s outside of work.
I really didn’t want anyone to know either…because my boss would have really hated me then.
But, I got tired of hiding. The organization we worked for employed lots of people…in the area at other sites and we couldn’t go anywhere in that county without seeing someone.
So..he never held my hand anywhere…when we were out. Only in the dark movie theatre!
When he came back in October,…he said that he didn’t care anymore because I don’t work there. But, he did. He still hid me when we were together up there.
Overall, the r/s was not worth the stress and aggravation and confusion. It was NOT normal. Today, I am GLAD its over and I woke up feeling differently.
What a difference a day makes. I am looking FORWARD and in my head…its as if he died. I remember being afraid that if he did die…I would miss him. I thought he was my best friend….on this earth. We talked all day long.
But, the person on this earth that I trusted the MOST became the person I trust the LEAST overnight!
It was never the same once I caught him in the first lie…which was after one year of seeing him. I caught him “tagging ” a woman on Tag.com. He didn’t know how it worked and that anyone can see everyone you tag. His daughter put him on it and requested me as a friend too.
Since that day….It has NEVER been right with me. I realized he was a liar and yet, at the time…I forgave him. He DENIED it and I wanted to believe it…but ..in my heart…I had one foot out of the door. I blamed it on ME that I was pushing him away. But,…maybe I was …because of little things before that day.
Unfortunately, I stayed with him for another year..on and off.
I wasn’t ready to give up on my ‘illusion’ that he really does love me.
NO MORE DISORDERED PEOPLE!!!
OUT with the old …..in with new HEALTHY normal people.
Thats my motto.
I feel strong today…like my future is going to be ok..better than ever. I hope I can keep this mindset.
Going to keep working on it…thinking positive and trying to look at it as a “toxic” messed up relationship out of need to fill my lonliness at the time.
I am not “lonely” anymore. Lonliness means NO DIRECTION.
I have goals …new ones…and I plan to pursue them….and they will bring me a bright future with no USERS in my life anymore…including my sisters and brother.
WHo needs people in their life that arent’ DEVOTED to you?
Gotta go shopping for drinks and snacks..etc…
Really tired tonite…
Realized something…its not about THEM.
Its about Me and my life…and what I want to do with it now.
Just having trouble moving forward…no energy lately.
Maybe when it stops raining outside…2 days is enough..lol
Makes me want to curl up in bed and watch tv and do NOTHING. Little stomach upset.
The problem is that I can’t seem to get moving…..
Maybe when the sun comes out again…I will get on my bike and get some exercise everyday.
I’m sortof giving myself a break from the world….isolating and wanting to be alone alot.
Feel like I’m not really “living” lately.
Maybe its my stomach.
Anyway, just going with it…and trying to think positive thoughts and process everything that went down in the past year. I’ve been out of work since last year this time! Thats when I first “broke down” and couldn’t function anymore. I remember it was “Good Friday” when I cried and told him I want to break up with him and leave the job…and he laughed and thought I was kidding. Its almost like he knew that HE did it. And, he was enjoying torturing me and watching me cry in pain. Of course he hugged me and talked me out of it.
You know, I think I wasn’t in love with him at all. I was in love with “being in love”. I didn’t have a relationship for so long and he gave me a taste of having someone to “witness” my life..day by day…someone I thought cared about me…more than just for sex. But, everytime I cried and tried to end it…he just ran. Never tried to talk to me about what was bothering me. It was actually STRANGE. If you are spending everyday with someone and being intimate a few times a week and texting someone 50 times a day…
How do you just walk away when they tell you something is wrong? No…RUN away.
Almost like a little child…scared.
The first time it happenned, it was like “Oh no, you found me out…I’m going to hide now” and off he ran. I always called him back to talk.
Wow…these creatures aren’t human …are they??
2B:
“I woke up this morning and I said..”Tobe”you aren’t going to let this “experience” break you!”
NOW….youkeep that thought….wake up to it every morning….
I remember this very moment…..
I hope the same for you….gain strength from those words and BELIEVE IT!!!!
You know, another thing…with any breakup, or loss…we need to grieve. We can’t get around that. And, when ending a r/s with these creatures…its even harder because its so abrupt.
Mine texted me an hour before he ran….and said..”I love you so much..do you still love me?” Weird.