UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.
One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!
Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss. I had NO idea he was just let out of prison! Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone. The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it.
Read more: “Personality disorder” as an excuse for criminal behavior
So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?! And at first he was so attentive — he would open the door for me — carry the groceries — cook and clean for me — etc — but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that — yet!).
Well — finally — my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk. I found parole papers! And I thought — Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay — he loves me — we can make this work — so what if he is on parole.
Stranded
So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with. Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc — while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!
And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!
Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume — I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what an enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking. All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc.
Drums up a story
Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip — and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer — he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye. He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.
But, I was alone — he was gone — I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor). I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!
I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer — and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law — but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp — but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO — DO THEY EVER! So I guess I had to drop it at this point.
But about a month later I got a call from her and she said — “Okay — I believe you now. He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges. Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!
Still in love with the jerk
But it doesn’t end here — I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again. I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway — he did not care for me after all.
He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently. I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez — I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!
Married in 3 weeks
Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween — he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, an absolute no show! No word from him ever again — he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove. I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks — I think.” But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath — I don’t know what is!
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Feb. 17, 2010.
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
Star, yes, I remember you writing about your cat, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
So… some adventure!!! Cool! I know you have been wavering back and forth about your condo for a long time. I admire your ability to take a “risk” as you call it, and you are right, you’ll end up somewhere better!!
You really have a lot going on! I hope you are able to make that trip to Haiti soon, it is wonderful to have a dream, and you are such a sweet person… that when you have a dream, it’s to help someone else!! You are awesome!
Teaching massage is a fabulous idea!!!! $600 in the nude! Ha! You must look pretty good! Someone would probably offer me $600 to keep my clothes ON, LMAO!! My dream would be to “do what I love and the money will follow”, I would LOVE to have a business/job that I enjoy! Best wishes with everything!
I am stuck in the unemployment rut, I really am trying to keep busy, I am actually volunteering somewhere (after you all told me to do this 1,000 times) and I work with animals, some very big, some very little, I’m a pooper scooper at this point, but it’s ok, have to start somewhere!
I know EXACTLY what you mean about “going into fear”, I really have to work on that, to keep my thoughts positive, as you said, I can spiral down easily and FAST, so I have to keep that in check.
So I hope someday soon you can tell us about some of these adventures!! Hang in there, you sound great!
SC, that couple that wanted to give me $600 never even saw my picture! LOL I wrote to them and told them that I am 49, and “trust me, you don’t want to see me nude.” It was more humorous to me than offensive. I used to be a stripper and was accustomed to being hit on all the time. But when it happens now–especially sight unseen–all I can do is laugh. I just don’t feel like a red hot sex siren any more. Being physically beautiful and sexy was a big part of my identity back in the day, and even until the last few years. Now I’m working on finding out more who I am inside and developing some substance, because the looks are slowly fading.
I think it’s GREAT that you are volunteering with animals. Animals are little healers in fur suits. It’s amazing how much they give to us. I have never grieved anyone or anything so deeply as the loss of my Siamese. Good for you for taking that step! You never know what it will lead to. I volunteered at a cat shelter for years and it led to several friendships and all kinds of opportunities.
I hope you also keep brainstorming ideas about your business. I, for one, would be interested in hearing some of your ideas. Are you taking any steps toward this? I once read that the mind does not know the difference between the future and the present, and so if you visualize something, it starts to take form in the present.
I had a very powerful dream several weeks ago about fear. I dreamt I was in a beautiful forest. On one side of the forest were all these people frolicking in a river and another large pool. I was one of them. On the other side of the forest was a “negative imprint”. That meant that if you went to the other side of the forest, you would be overcome with negative emotions that were hard to shake. I went over there and suddenly my world started falling apart. My shoes stuck to a sticky surface, and then I started getting upset, and more bad things started happening because I was upset…..My overwhelming sense of that dream was that it was telling me to stay connected to people, and to stay in the light. It’s so easy for me to drown in fear, and start feeling hopeless and despairing.
Then there’s my therapist (whom I have not even begun to completely trust) trying to get me to explore all of those fears. I honestly don’t know if her way is good for me or if it is an unnecessary detour and all I have to do is let the fear go. All these tough identity questions. Im trying to find out who I am inside.
Star, the dream you had is so vivid!!!!!!! I think your interpretation is right on! That is part of the reason I started to volunteer, I need to stay connected to people, even though we’re working with animals, I have people to talk to! I have a “vision” board, but it is stuck in the closet, I’ll have to get it back out and update it.
The thoughts about your therapist are quite interesting. I have seen a few therapists and never really made a connection with one. Are they just following some type of plan that they learned in college? Are they really listening? “Just let the fear go”… aahhhh… sounds liberating!
It sounds like you have already let some of the fear “go” by selling your condo, expanding the vision of your business… right on Stargazer!!!!
Oxy,
You crack me up!
“…But guns are like fire extinguishers, if you need one, you need it NOW so there isn’t any “would you please stay right there with that knife while I go unlock my gun safe and find the ammo and load my gun.”
Yes, it pays to “be prepared,” cuz the other guy will certainly be, especially if they have malevolent intent.
My Dad was a cop too, and he carried on, and OFF, duty – he used to get some “LOOKS” in K-mart, I tell ya!
Hi Star. I just wanted to say that I thought your dream was very positive. It shows that on an unconcious level you are doing the work your therapist is directing you toward. I think your dream shows that you are willing to explore the negative imprint, but that your real fear is getting stuck in it…ie, your shoes sticking to the sticky substance…that if you explore this other dimension, the part of you that is up-beat and frolicking with the others, might not make it out alive. I don’t think your fear is so much of the negative emotions, as it is being stuck in them…Have you talked to your therapist about that?
Just a thought.
I identify sooo much with what you have to say. I am 50, out of my last relationship for 2.5 years…can’t even imagine being in another one, not sure who I am when you take away all those relationships…BP charictaristics…an over-abundance of empathy, a good deal of intellect that seeks to understand, a desire to move beyond just being angry, wanting to divulge myself, but not trusting…
I’m glad you’re here…And I’m glad I’m here, too…….:)
Margie, I loved your post! Gee so many of us can relate to your story. I unfortunately married mine and had a child to him, that he does not want to have anything to do with. Along with his 2 other daughters to 2 different women.
It was the best day of my life when a friend said to me ” you know he is a sociopath”? I at the time had no idea what one was.
But she gave me the answer and the tool to find out about this mental sickness.I was just so confused and didn’t understand how someone that loves you can treat you so appaulingly.
My friend saved my life after 5 1/2 years with my S I was psychically, emotionally and spiritly ruined. S used to say to myself only for the joy of trying to break me “Just kill your self Dani” I am sure now, he wanted to play the poor widow of the emotionally unstable wife. When I left I thought well maybe if I did kill myself then he would realise how much he was hurting me. God! looking back now I don’t reconise myself and the person he made me. I am strong again like I was before we met, it has been 2 years since finally leaving him.
I attempted to leave about 20 times over 5 years. He would always say “I know I need help, my life is not worth living without you, I have never loved anyone like I have you”. Stupid me would crack under the presure of his undying love and let him back in. Flowers and gifts always followed for a couple of weeks afterwards. Then the flowers and gifts stopped and the abuse started. ” The thought of making love to you Dani, makes me want to vomit” he would say trying to break me again. Anyway the abuse got worse every time I took him back and the last time I was with him he knocked me out, all whilst holding our baby in his arms.
I was emotionally weak at this stage but I knew I had to run, run for my children. He was Evil! but he cast a SPELL on me and I couldn’t break away from the emotional electric fence he had put around me.
I caught him a couple of times on internet dating sites and he said he was just looking. I have now formed a bond with many ex’s of his all left broke and emotionally confused. All greatful to find out that there was nothing wrong with them, they had just met the most charismatic, good looking, evil con man.
He is only after one thing ” A living” he hated work and is in half a million dollars debt and although he hates women he needs them to cook her him and put a roof over his head. He drives around in a $70,000 car and races his expensive Ski Boat but has not paid one cent in child support to any of his kids. He has just got engaged after knowing a girl for 2 months and has already got her to sell her house and buy something more to his standard and somehow put the house in his name as well, even though he has not contributed any money. Poor girl (she has been warned, but chooses not to believe it)
I just wonder if she know’s he is still married! He has no intentions of marrying her it is all part of the con to wittle away her money and then he will move on and on and on and on.
I am just so happy now away from him. I can finally breathe again. Life lessons and experience you can have them, lol He is something that I totally regret.
All the lies, they were soul destroying when I left. On the court papers he said the reason he ended the marriage was because of my adulterous affair with my ex husband (first I had heard about it) and that our daughter was a not his but a product of the affair. His solicitor made him have a paternity test and of course she was his. He also said I stole money from our business. He accused me of course of all the things he was capible of doing, not me! He is so good at lying and the feel sorry for me stories a lot of people thought I was terrible and that really hurt. But luckily S husband always does over everyone he meets so many of these people that believed I was the horrible one, have now become friends because they felt guitly they believed him. We have a joke now ” Isn’t it terrible that S just meets so many bad people in life that do him over” Because if you speak to S he is such a great guy and people have just been so bad to him, even his parents and his brother.
I must say in just writing this there were so many red flags in the begining! Didn’t speak to his parents, had not spoken to his brother in over 10 years. Two kids to two different women. Dozens of relationships with horrible women, Bad credit rating, people looking for him for bad debts and even when someone that knew him and had worked with him said “do you like swimming with sharks?” when he found out we were dating. I just thought this beautiful man must be a little misunderstood or something lol.
He manage to hide himself pretty well behind his lies until he married me 9 months after we met. After we wed he slowly showed his true colors but by that stage I was trapped and in love. He had spent all my money and I was emotionally exhausted. I wasn’t allowed to see friends or family, so I had lost my support network.( I thought he loves me so much he doesn’t want me out of his sight) They were always there waiting to help and thanks to my friend who alerted me with the word Sciopath! My recovery has been quicker and easier knowing what I was dealing with. I have sole custody of our daughter and I will cross the bridge of her wanting to maybe one day meet her dad but it this stage I am happy again and Good riddens I say!!!! 🙂
Hi Dani. I’m glad you’re here and that you shared your storey with us. Thank God for your friend. That’s why it’s so important to spread the word and do everything we can to educate others. I just wwanted to say hello and welcome you to LF.
Thank you very much Kim.
I have been reading the LF posts for nearly 2 years but was too crippled and confused to talk about my own experiences. As you know with S my brief story only scratched the surface of all that went on.
I wrote a letter to the girlfriend he had after me warning her and she chose to ignore or not believe my story. She was with him for 10 months and he took $60,000 from her. I am now friends with her.
I honestly only feel sorry for his future girlfriends and even thou they don’t believe my story in the begining it give them some reference and some reasurance when things start going wrong.
His current fiancee ( engaged after two months) has also recieved a letter. She has sold her house and is planning a future with this man. She just dosent realise yet that the future plan is not for too long and only involves her money. I know I shouldn’t warn them as I am terrified of my ex S and he reads these letters but I for now just can’t sit back and let these poor women be in there long enough for him to do to them as he did to me.
The girlfriend after me was greatful in the end for the letter as she had no reference point for him, no old friends, no family of his to ask the questions. I will move on completely eventually but for now I try to warn anyone in his line and spread the S word. It is the most dangerous mental illness because they look like ordinary people and can talk the talk and they distroy lives.
I also worry that S is getting very good at what he is doing and the further he goes on the more devistation he leaves behind. He is getting more confident in his ability to take advantage of good,honest people and the money and the risks are getting higher. When does it all end?
I went on a date tonight lol, he seems really sweet. He told me I was stunning. I said I am not used compliments that seem sincere. I keep fearing that every guy I meet now is a S and is going to hurt me. Does that feeling of never being able to trust ever go away? I would love to love again but are terrified I am attracted to S’s
PS: On facebook I joined S Groups and have spread the LF word on there. LF has been a great place for me to go for understanding and now support.
Thanks again Kim for the message!
EricBrock – YES, YES!!! I do have a teenage daughter! I am REALLY concerned we may be talking about the same guy. Please!!!
NOMORE:
Contact Donna for an ‘introduction’.
THANKS!