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By | March 23, 2011 74 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I would rather be homeless than spend another day feeling soul-less

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Chelsea.”

Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man!

My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was flirting with me and I was growing impatient by his rather obnoxious behavior. But his friend seemed to be pleasant and rather calm, so we began to chat.

He seemed so kind and was so interested in learning about me. At the time, I was going through a divorce and had just gotten full custody of my son. I spoke a little bit about my ex-husband, explaining that he had suffered from prescription drug addiction, and unfortunately that was what ended our marriage. He began to share his past, and how he had gone through a divorce, and he too was a single parent with one child. We shared some more about our ex’s and it seem that he really showed a lot of compassion for what I was going through, and that he felt we shared a lot in common.

He knew actually what to say to make me feel I deserved a great man in my life. He complimented me a lot through the conversation. Letting me know that I was very pretty, and what a great personality I had. Finally he asked me for my number, which normally I would never give out to a total stranger, but there was something about him that made me comfortable enough to trust him.

First date

A couple days later he called me and wanted to take me out that night, but I could not go out that night so we agreed to meet the following night. We decided to meet at a restaurant in my neighborhood. When I arrived he had one long stem rose for me and a very charming smile. He was very much a gentlemen and made sure to open the door for me, as well as compliment how beautiful he thought I looked. He continued to charm me through the whole dinner. He just seemed to understand everything, and we seemed to share so many of the same things.

By the end of the night he gracefully walked me to my car and asked politely for a goodnight kiss. We shared a romantic kiss and he asked to see me again. Of course I agreed. How could I not? He charmed me all night at dinner.

By the next morning I already received a call from him, and he said he had such a wonderful time with me and he wanted to take me out the next night. He showed up at my home this time to pick me up as he had wonderful dinner plans. He arrived again with another long stem rose in hand and stood in front of my home like a prince charming. Opening the door and once again complimenting me on how beautiful he thought I was. He took me to a very expensive oceanfront restaurant and we shared another amazing night. From that night on, I was in for what was the longest roller coaster ride of my life.

Courtship begins

He called me every day, and wanted me with him all the time. He took me on expensive vacations and outings. He told me how important family and kids were, which is what I told him the first night I met him. Oh yeah, and I also told him how I was against drugs and he told me he was very much anti-drug too. Everything I wanted in life, he made sure to tell me that is exactly what he wanted in life.

He wanted to show me off to his friends almost immediately, which made me feel on top of the world. He called me all the time, all day long, just to tell me he missed me when we were not together. Within a month he told me he was in love with me and ask me to be his girlfriend. Of course I accepted, how could I not? He was such a romantic, charming man, who seemed to be everything I could ask for in a man.

When we began our official courtship, he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I was a little hesitate to introduce our kids to one another, as we had only been dating for a short time, but he insisted we needed to meet each other’s children. My son was 13, and his daughter had just turned 7 years old. The day came and he surprised me and brought his daughter to meet me. She was a little timid at first, but within a short time she and I began such an amazing bond together. As for my son, he finally met him and my SP ex acted like the coolest guy to my son. I thought, wow, this is going to work out great.

For the first few months together, there was nothing he would not do for me. He was always so assertive, kind, romantic, and loving. Then I started to meet more of his friends and everything seemed okay, but I noticed everything we did revolved around his plans only.

The exes

I started asking more about his past relationships, and he told me he had a toxic ex-wife, and that his last girlfriend was crazy. That he had to run away from them because they were both crazy. I thought to myself, gosh how could anyone dislike him; he so great. He also told me how jealous his past ex’s were, and that had it not been for him, they would have had nothing. That he gave his home to his ex-wife so that their daughter would not have to move. That he gave everything to his ex-wife when they divorced, because that’s what a real man would do for his family.

As for his ex-girlfriend just before me, he gave her money and paid for everything and she still treated him bad. That he had to change the locks on the door because she would break in and destroy stuff. That his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his daughter. I could not understand how these women could treat him this way. He also shared that his real mom was a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 5 years old. That his father raised him, and when he was 8 years old, his father remarried. He said his stepmom was mean to him and she only cared about her own kids. I felt so sorry for him. This poor guy just wanted someone to love him. So I was determined to give him all the love he deserved.

For the next 5 1/2 years, I dedicated my entire being to this man. I realize I sold my soul to the devil.

Nothing but lies

Everything he told me was nothing but lies. Not only was he lying about his past relationships, he also was lying about being anti-drug. He claimed that he was a very dedicated Catholic, but yet he lied, cheated, used and stole from people’s lives. He also had a secret relationship with his cousin for many years before I met him.

He threatened his ex-wife during their divorce that if she did not give him money, cars, and half of everything he was going to destroy her life. He had NO compassion for what their daughter had to go through, who was only 5 years old at the time. He always told me his daughter was his life, but I learned later on that before I was a part of his life he was always dropping his daughter off with his stepmom when it was his weekend to have her. Remember this was the stepmom who he said treated him terrible as a child, but she was okay to take care of his daughter. He never paid his child support on time and owed his ex tons of back support, which he denied.

Furthermore, this was a man who became extremely jealous, controlling, obsessed, and then verbally, emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically abusive. All the qualities that he NEVER showed when we first courted. Worst of all, he has absolutely no remorse for the pain he causes. He actually turns it around and makes you believe that it was you.

Staying home

Before I met him, I had a home, a good amount of money in the bank (financial security), good credit, nice car, lots of friends, confidence, self-esteem, healthy and a positive outlook on life. Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am almost homeless, jobless (because he convinced me that I needed to stay home and be a stepmom to his daughter), because his job required him go to night shift and then out of town, so he needed me to take care of her for him. Also my brother suffered a brain injury and my ex told me that we need to take care of family and I need to take care of my brother too. But that he would take care of the finances and make sure everything was paid for each month.

I had never been without a job, but the last year of our relationship, his ex was taking him back to court for back monies owed and custody and he needed the courts to see he could take care of her. So he convinced me to quit working and take care of his daughter and my brother, that I was a blessing to him, his daughter, and my brother. That me taking care of the family, home, animals, and all other necessary things he needed was more than a job in itself.

Calling every day

He would call me every day when he was out of town, wanting to know what I was doing, who was I talking to, who was I with, and what was I doing every minute of the day. Knowing that I was at home taking care of his daughter, my disabled brother, and the home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, as he said my responsibility is in the home. But he would be out of town hanging out in the bars, then calling me hours later drunk. He would tell me I had no right being mad, as he was working day and night to support me. That I should be kissing the ground he walked on for even taking care of the home.

When I would ask for the money to pay the bills he would tell me I had to wait, and then the bills would be behind with shut off notices. He would verbally abuse me, and tell me if I complained he would stop paying for everything and I would be homeless with my retarded brother (he called him), and my shitty son, and the family pets. That he did not have to pay for anything, and could save his money as he lives for free out of town because the company pays all his expenses. That he did not even have to come in town at all.

Then he started disappearing at night when he was out of town and if I questioned him were he was at he attacked me. But, he had to know everything and everywhere I was. If I did not answer the phone when he called, he would verbally abuse me and accuse me of cheating on him. I had to bring the phone with me in the shower just in case he called. He would yell at his daughter and tell her she does not have a voice. When I would try and protect her, he would tell me in a loud voice “you better shut your mouth little girl,” and I am 41 years old.

I was walking on pins and needles. My health has been majorly affected by his abuse. I feel numb, empty, and lost inside. I finally could not allow the threats and abuse from him anymore, so I stood up to him and he then started being physical. He had been physical in the past but said he would never do that again. But once I started standing up to him, he got worse.

Christmas

On Christmas Eve of 2010, he came home and treated me poorly and when I finally broke down in tears, he laughed at me and said, “Stop with the damn tears.” Even though I worked so hard to please him, and decorated the whole house by myself for Christmas, shopped so I could cook a wonderful dinner, he did not even care. My son did not want to be around him, so he left. Then my ex told me I will regret everything I am doing and NOBODY loves you, in fact I would be better off dead because no one would miss me. My heart was completely shattered.

My son was resentful against me for being with my ex; my brother went to my mother’s house for Christmas. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family how bad it was, because they saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. So my ex continued to mentally and emotionally abuse me on Christmas Eve to the point that I was crying my heart out and begging him to stop. But he just kept telling me to go kill myself, as that would be a great Christmas gift to everyone. He then left and went out with his friends drinking all night.

I actually took my son’s car in the drive way and considered driving off the nearest canyon. I thought, I lost my life to the devil, and maybe he is right—I wouldn’t be good for anyone now. I have no money, no job, bad credit now, no medical insurance anymore (I had to give that up to because he did not pay for it like he said he would), my health was/is bad from the stress, I am now emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually bankrupted.

No more

I finally told him that I would rather be homeless then to spend another day feeling soul-less because of him. He told me he would take everything from the home and not pay one dime for the rent. When he went back out of town for work—he only came home on weekends anyway—I packed up all of his belongings and put them in the garage. I placed a lock on my bedroom door and told him to come get his stuff, that he was no longer allowed to abuse me anymore.

He threatened that he would not move, that I should move out if I am unhappy. I told him no—I have already lost too much and I am not going to lose anymore. He threatened to call the property management and tell them I was unemployed and had no means to pay the rent. Oh yeah, by the way, it was my good credit at the time that got us qualified for the home. I told him to go right ahead and tell them anything you wanted and if they don’t let me stay I will have to move, but I will not let him hurt me anymore.

When he arrived the following weekend he came into the home and saw that I was serious and moved his stuff into the garage and then he threw me up against the wall and threatened me. I ran from him and called the police and they came out but he had left before they arrived. Sadly, they told me since I was not bleeding or had any broken bones they could not do anything. He called me later that night and left a message telling me he would be back tomorrow to take everything from our home.

Packed up

He never showed up and I had to call his parents and tell them he never showed. His stepmother told his father and his father told him to stop fighting and get your stuff out. He told his father that I was an alcoholic and abusing him. His father tries to pretend like his son does no wrong and always supports his behavior ”¦ denial! He eventually showed up and started to pack but continued to verbally abuse me. It was hard, but I just ignored him and tried not to react to any of his abuse. He also told me that he is glad to get away from me, that I am evil and now he has a nice new younger girl who appreciates him. As hurtful as it was I just responded with, “God Bless her.”

He then stopped packing and said he would be back another day to move. He went back out of town and while he was gone I opened up the POD, which is a moving box, and placed all the rest of his stuff in it. Then I had his classic car, that just sat in out in our backyard, towed to his parents. When he found out, he called and left a message stating he was going to call the police on me for touching his stuff. I never responded, but I did tell his stepmother, and she said, “good for you.” She knows who he is, and she is glad he is out of my life.

Sadly, he does not like his stepmother, nor does he have much of a relationship with any of his sisters. His ex-wife said she was in therapy for nearly 4 years after their divorce, trying to figure out what was wrong with her that he treated her so bad. It’s been 7 years since their divorce and she still struggles emotionally from what he did to her.

It’s been 2 months since he has been out of my life and I struggle every day, trying to stay above water with all my responsibilities. I don’t know day to day if I will have money to support my brother, son and our dogs, but for the grace of god I have managed so far.

New girlfriend

As for my ex SP, he finally actually told the truth for once in his life—he does have a new girlfriend up were he works. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. She happens to be the bartender were he has been drinking for the past year and half. She is going through a divorce and has two small kids. I heard he has been spending a lot of money on her. Apparently, he is a very charming man and will do anything for her and her kids. Does this sound familiar?

The only difference is, she has two kids, she likes to party, and he is in a town were no one knows his past. Sadly, she has a record of drunk driving and reckless driving, and she is a young mother. He may be able to con her a lot more, or maybe not! Scary thing is, he is extremely jealous and she works at a bar ”¦ could this be more dangerous for her?

I felt I needed to warn her of who he is, so I contacted her at the bar and she answered. I was very polite and told her that the man she is with is not who he claims to be. She needs to be very careful. That he has damaged many lives, and this has been his pattern with relationships. That I worry for her and her kids. She obviously is lost in the honeymoon stage as her response was, “Sorry Sweetie I am at work and cannot talk, but thanks for the call Sweetheart.” You can’t say I did not try!

SP’s find out any struggles you may have, and what your likes and desires are, and they build on that. Just like when I met him, I was the newly divorced single mother. What I thought was a charming man, was clearly a man searching for his new prey and I took the bait.

 


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Ox Drover

Dear Chelsea,

Thank you for sharing your story….like so many stories, the “love bomb” at the first hooks the victim in, sucks in the victim who thinks they have found their perfect match….then the mask slips…the victim can see behind the mask that covers the ugly reality.

There does come a time, as well, like you said, “I’d rather be homeless than live with you for even one more day.”

Thank you for sharing your feelings and story. Welcome to LoveFraud, there is healing here. You are STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW!!!!! God bless.

KatyDid

Dearest Chelsea,
There’s another thread on LF titled “What was your turning point”. Your story reminds me that one (as if I needed multiple?) turning point was the day I said, “I’d rather be homeless than married to him.” B/c I was SURE I would be homeless, I was incapable of caring for myself, of holding a job. I had a HELL of a time just getting a shower and rarely even combing my hair after.

SO much empathy for you. I understand the road you went down and hope you are much healed from that nightmare.

Regards
Katy

candy

I have just had an epiphany! You know how spath says we are ‘crazy’ well…….that’s what sends them packing. The fact that the worm (us) turns and they see a side of us they have never seen before. That may be anger, rejection etc etc but they have never seen us behave in that way and they are ‘lost’ so THEY give US the crazy label. Phew! Only took me 5 months to work it out.

candy

Chelsea – Welcome. Thank you for your story. When we share stories it helps others on here.

Reading through your post I think it’s fair to say you have been well and truly spathed! But you have survived and now you will go from strength to strength. Good luck.

raggedy ann

Homeless?

Sounds like you are HOME FREE!!!

And you still have a roof over your head. There are people in your real life — the ex wife, the stepmonther — you have confirmed that it is this guy who has something wrong with him, not you. And now you have this community to learn from or get support from.

You hang onto yourself. You will have a new level of peace in your home for now without him around. You will have more time to take care of important things.

I hope you will be able to go back to work soon. And repair your relationship with your son. I think you will. Ox Drover is right: you are tougher than you realize. You gave small clues to me in your story that you are a solid person with a lot of self-possession.

Good for you Chelsea,

You had enough self esteem and dignity to finally throw the bum out. I can so relate to your statement, “I’d rather be homeless etc”. What is the use of a home in which we are being emotionally poisened and as you say bankrupted?

Wishing you all the best in your healing, and that you soon are amzed by how much better things get every single day away from those creatures. Regardless of how many other challanges we are forced to deal with, in the giant devastating wake that churns behind the Sociopath, freedom from them means getting your life back, your “you” back, and it is wonderful.

onelukygurl

Candy:
“The fact that the worm (us) turns and they see a side of us they have never seen before… may be anger, rejection…they have never seen us behave in that way and they are ’lost’ so THEY give US the crazy label…”

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! You hit the nail on the head right there for me too! I had been trying to articulate this in my own head the past few days as I looked back on what happend and how I DID change!!! YAE ME!!!

I DID CHANGE!!! And he FREAKED OUT! Why? Well, silly me, because I was NO LONGER under the spell! The shit he would pull was NOT ok, however, he ‘held it together’ for 6 months (same beginning of the pattern) and when he told me of his ‘money problems’ I not only EXPECTED him to be responsible for them, I VERBALIZED IT TOO!!!

Yikes! Oh noooo!

I have not ever been considered ‘passive’ by any means, however, with him I often ‘let things slide’ or didnt really address them. I just kind of let things go! EXCEPT when he came back after having NO CONTACT for 5 months (applause, applause!), I was TOTALLY out of the FOG…and followed through with (aka–acted ‘crazy”) what I wanted!!!

He hadn’t ever seen me have SUCH a range of emotions because I always remained ‘stone’ with him…like I ‘sensed’ his NEED for a reaction. Well, as there was NC, I began to allow myself to feel again because I wasnt scared of vulnerability. We got back together and he expected me to be ‘unscathed’, ‘not bothered’, ‘distant’ about his IRRESPONSIBILITY…but OH HELL NO!!! I was READY this time…and he knew it!

Ahhhhhh…so the manipulative ploy of trying to guilt me by using the qualities I and everyone else know I have! He cracks me up…what he has tried ‘digging’ on me for are qualities you KNOW I have once meeting me. Its liken to someone whose very ‘kind’ being repremanded by someone whose MEAN and lectured on what ‘being kind’ looks like! He’s a certifiable jack ass…

onelukygurl

ahhh ha ha….
Its a NOTORIOUS liar and cheat ‘telling’ a NOTORIOUSlY honest and trustworthy person how to be honest and trustworthy.
Its a NOTRIOUSLY ‘bad person” trying to give “instructions” to a NOTORIOUSLY ‘goog person”…
And having the NERVE to think ID LISTEN!!!
Bwwwhhhahahahahahahha snort, snork…breath…hahahahaha

Ox Drover

Hey, breathe, R-babe, before you choke! LOL Yea, talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Yep, they can sure tell us how to be kind and caring and nice! bawwwwahhahahahaha can’t they! LOL

onelukygurl

This has made me chuckle tonight and Im glad because today I was starting to have ‘anger pangs’ about HIS stupidity…

Remember lovefrauders…

ITS NOT MY PROBLEM, ITS NOT MY PROBLEM, ITS NOT MY PROBLEM…

Ox Drover

You know, R-babe, when we can look at them and LAUGH at how pathetic they are, we are getting there.

lesson learned

Babe,

Your posts are hilarious! I so relate to them and to what your spath did, because mine was very similar.

The KING OF PROVOCATION. Yep. And the less you were willing to put up with and get pissed about, the MORE PROVOKING he became….and the MORE ANGRY YOU GOT! Anger=REACTION. Spaths love that shit babe!

But ya know what? Your STRONG personality is not a negative, but a POSITIVE in all of this. Did ya ever stand there when you got back together and want to slap his head off and watch his head roll down a hill when he deliberately provoked you, sending you into screaming rage?

Peace is nice, Babe.

The further out you get, the more you’ll like it. 🙂

I have a lot of confidence that you won’t put up with another piece of shiat like that again!

Love your posts!

LL

aussiegirl

“The further out you get, the more you’ll like it. :)”

Never a truer word, LL. xx

onelukygurl

LL:
OH, yes! He loved to see me ‘react’ to something that boosted his ego. He did NOT love to see me when I was pissed about something irresponsible he did (which only really happened in the last 9 months) as for aobut the first 3 years I didnt bother myself with getting upset. I was very calm, cool, and collected. This was in part due to me working in education with ALL BEHAVIOR DISORDERED KIDS and kinda being in the ‘habit’ of staying ‘stone grey’. However, once I got out of that and was able to let my guard down, WATCH OUT!!!

I as back…and surly as ever!

As far as your question about ever wanting to ‘slap his head off and watch it roll down a hill”… OH HELL YESSSSS! Let me just tell you this one…

The weekend we went to see his bio mom and I was SO upset, I told him that night I wanted to leave…he in return told me we ‘werent’ and I was gonna ‘ruin’ the trip. He told me hed get me a (mother f&^%$n) BUS PASS to go home the next day…I DROVE!!!

I was SOOOOOOOOOO (please understnad the emphasis on the word ‘so’ here) pissed that I told him “IM SO MAD AT YOU I FEEL LIKE I COULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!”

Ut oh!

Now, IM abusive!? Now HES not sure where our relationship is gonna go? Now HES offended I said something like that? He also proceeded to tell me HE felt the same way about me! Uhhhhhh, ok?

You see, the difference is this…I had been telling him over and over and over and over and over again the TIMES my feelings got hurt, WHY they got hurt, and WHAT I WANTED him to do to sooth and comfort me.

He responded REPEATEDLY with “You’re not gonna get the reaction/response you want from me until you start acting better.” WTF!!!

He, on the other hand very may have had lots of feelings that were hurt…I dont know. The problem is that rather than TELL me what was wrong, TELL me what I did…he used PUNISHMENT as a means to MAKE me comply…

Uhhh, NEWS FLASH!!! This isnt the Holocaust! The bottom line is…HES NOT MY BOSS and NORMAL people dont try and MAKE someone comply through PUNISHMENT…

Now, THATS abuseive!

Still grieving

Oh my Gosh, these stories are all so similar, only the details differ. It took me 10 years to get up the courage to both face what the bastard had did to me ( bankrupt and in debt) and to leave him. I am 58 and found myself destitute. Sometimes, when life gets too hard – the job I have is not a nice one – I think of actually going back to him as he keeps on begging me to. But the LIES the LIES – for the best part of our life together he had conversations on his cell phone, with himself in front of me – he “sold” beachfront property, imported “car parts” from the USA that I paid for, bought and sold cars with my money whose papers I never saw. He even bought us a farm in a part of South Africa I love very much – I sold my 2 houses, and he urgently needed to “borrow” some cash – 2 days before we were due to move to this “farm” – some involved story cropped up, and we had to rent a house to stay awhile until things were sorted out…………. 2 years later, me penniless, in debt, no car, virtually a prisoner being fed on bread and jam and tea only, I sold my sewing machine to have my 4 cats put to sleep, and when he was away working ( after not working for the 10 years he was with me ) I left him with the help of a generous niece out from London on holiday. He even borrowed from my family. But, there WERE signs all along that things were not right with him, WHY did I not stop and consider them? I keep saying, If ONLY…………..

aussiegirl

Still grieving –

“But, there WERE signs all along that things were not right with him, WHY did I not stop and consider them? I keep saying, If ONLY——.. ”

We all do honey. We all do. It doesn’t matter any more – it’s over. What matters is that you are OUT and you are SAFE. Your dignity and your sanity is worth more than anything that a life with him might seem to offer. Life with them is only a half-life at best; just like carbon, always eroding away and becoming less powerful.

Scrubbing dunnies out with a toothbrush is better than being with a spath.

Stay here; get stronger; heal. xx

(PS: I am so sorry about your cats. That must have gutted you)

Still grieving

hello Aussiegirl, you are so right, yes, its a half- life living with a sociopath, nothing more, and the SHAME I feel now, that’s hard to bear. My family think I was “too trusting” they just dont understand what happens to one, as someone else said, its a “fog” you live in. The cats – was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was the first step I had to take though, he always made sure there was food for them – they chained me to him. I try not to think of them.

So wish that I knew there were such people as sociopaths around, I thought they were all serial killers – not ordinary looking people, missing a vital human part. If only they could be “put to sleep” as well. The funny thing is that the first few months were the HAPPIEST of my life – so guess I should be greateful for that.

This forum is so helpful, wish I had found it sooner.
Thanks for your kind words. xx

aussiegirl

Still grieving –

It would probably be okay to be grateful to KNOW that you are capable of feeling great happiness and of giving so freely of your love; these are good things to be able to feel and do.

You do NOT have to be grateful to the spath at all, for anything that he did to you. Know that not everyone makes it out alive or sane; be grateful that you are one of those who did.

Know that you are not silly – you are in emminent company. Besides the many clever people here to have been conned by one of these creatures, others to have been conned by them are professionals working with them all the time: prison guards, doctors, police officers, members of the judiciary, psychologists and psychiatrists. Doctor Hare – considered the world’s leading expert on sociopaths – fell for some of their cons WHILE STUDYING THEM, knowing upfront what they were and what they do. He is not a silly man, so why should you feel silly?

As for “putting them to sleep”, I think that’s a bit too humane, myself. I would much rather pin them out on the mud flats for the crabs to dispose of……..but then I’m a pacifist : )

The shame needs to be let go of. Have you read “Without conscience”? If not, then you should do so – it will help you to “let yourself off the hook” for what happened.

Know now, that you could not possibly have known then what you were up against. Know it and own it. ((hugs))

aussiegirl
Ox Drover

Dear Still grieving,

Welcome and the grief will end, I promise you—but it is a while before it does and it is a roller coaster ride until it does, but you ARE OUT as Aussie girl says, and you ARE ALIVE…so welcome to the world of healing! It only gets better! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

Eva

I also felt guilty at the beginning because i abandoned him quickly after discovering his “peculiarity” is called psychopathy.

He gave me much pleasure at the beginning but also much pain at the end. So i got rid of my guilty complex. To the hell with them both, guilty complex and psychopaths.

Still grieving

Dear Aussiegirl, thanks I read the article – and the comments. Gives me a lot to think about. As Ox Drover mentions, I really must go through the archives and gather strength and encouragement from all of you on this forum.

As to escaping with my life – I think I was very lucky – towards the end, my husband who is an ex Special Forces man, had me up by the neck a couple of times, when I calmly told him to finish the job as I had nothing left to live for anyway.

After that and other times of violence, he became sexually aroused, and he just wanted sex, and I read somewhere else that that is one of the traits of a sociopath.

Thanks to everyone, I will keep coming back daily to read and heal. Hugs

Ox Drover

Dear Still grieving,

Sociopaths seem to view people as objects and feel an OWNERSHIP INTEREST in them….much as a person might own an object and feel that they had a right to destroy it if it didn’t suit them. “Normal” people who “own” a pet have some regard for the welfare of the pet, even if for some reason the pet is not satisfactory, they don’t cause the pet pain or strangle it. If a pet must for some reason be “put down” it is done humanely, not in a way to cause the animal distress because normal people have empathy for the suffering of ANYTHING or anyone. Psychopaths have no empathy, and feel ENTITLED to punish anyone who comes between them and whatever their desires are.

Unfortunately, many times psychopaths excel in “special forces” or military or police work, or criminal “work” as well. I am just glad that you managed to get away from this man with your life and body intact.

Read the story Donna put up today about the police ignoring the family of a woman in hiding….and how her husband kidnapped her brother and tortured,, murdered and then dismembered the body of her brother, trying to get her brother to tell where she was hiding. The murderers did this because they firmly believed that they had a RIGHT to punish ANYONE who came between this man and the “wife” he felt he OWNED. I realize there was some “cultural” stuff going on with this whole family situation as well, but there was more psychopathic “stuff” going on than “Cultural stuff” I think.

It is certain that even in cultures which do not well respect women that this kind of outrageous brutality is not common practice.

sharon

I endured 5 long years with a sociopath, he lied,cheated,took money from me, even thugh i was a single parent and not earning too much myself, i incurred a lot of debt just to keep him going! he was physically as well as mentally abusive, id always felt deep down that things were not right, but because i suffered low self asteem and no confidence, of course i was a prime target for him his history before me i had been informed about and it was very dark! but still i thought well, he just hasnt met the right girl to make him happy, so i soldiered on…. he did the most dispicable things to me, and still i went back!!! i couldnt even begin to write on here wot he did to me, and as i sit here today i look back and kick myself for not trusting my instincts enough to leave sooner, i hope one day to write a book on my life with this man, if nothing but to let the world be more aware of the “SOCIOPATH” and i thank god i found this web site, i know i was led to it by higher forces if you like, because i had to know i wasnt going mad and i was better than this man led me to believe, i know he will tire soon because he already hates that im getting stronger! and have really started to believe in me and thats what SOCIOPATHS hate, they prey on the vulnurable and eat away your soul.

Ox Drover

Dear Sharon,

I too believe that you were led here by a Higher power, and I know from my own experience that there is HEALING HERE. Learn all you can and read in the archives….knowledge is power. It is what will help you through the worst of the pain.

Again, welcome to LF and glad that you found your way here. God bless.

candy

Robx – ‘slap his head off and watch his head roll down a hill’ (((((((((((((laughing MY head off at this))))))))))) Brilliant.

Ox Drover

R-babe, what is that old joke about a “slinky” rolling down a flight of stairs? I really can’t remember it exactly, but I think it would be just as cute to see a P-spath’s head rolling down the stairs like the slinky, would put a smile on lots of folks’ faces. LOL Ohhhhh Oxy that is baaaaaad! BOINK!

Hope to heal

You are indeed home-free!!

I’m new here too and have found so much to read!! I am so overwhelmed with all of the love and support that is shared here. Blessings to all… I believe that we can all come out of the “fog” and into the sunshine of spath free living!!

FREEDOMatLAST

Hi All!

Still grieving, I used to say that the beginning of my relationsh*t with my ex was the happiest time of my life. I no longer believe that because it was all a lie. I think of other times that I was truly happy and not happy with what I thought was real. Someone asked me recently if I was really in love with him. I told my friend that i was really in love with who i thought he was. I don’t know this guy, this is not who I thought that I was marrying, so the answer is yes and no. We would be happily married today, had he truly been that person.

It has been a while since I logged on, but I still read your post. So I’ve been to court for custody of my daughter and child support. I got physical custody and he got visitation every other wknd. He came in with his usual lies. And actually asked (like I knew that he would) to take her to Africa during the summers for 2 months. The judge set things up in a way that he can only take her out of the country if he leaves a $10K bond with the court for me. That is better than nothing considering that he is so selfish and self centered and needs to look good at all times that he will never have $10K to hand to someone else. I still don’t think that $10K is enough but it is better than him just walking out of the country with her. In order not to pay child support He moaned and bitched about how he cant take care of himself and that he can’t even buy food and 5 mins later he is saying how he would be happy to pay for me and my daughter to visit him in Africa. I wouldn’t visit you at the local trash dump! It will NEVER happen!

When we were in court last, I was the scum of the Earth, now this time I am the greatest Mom on the planet and he is so greatful that I am is daughters mother. I am excellent with her, yada, yada, yada. But you’re taking me to court for custody b/c I am unfit???? REALLY???

He thought that he could come into court and have the judge feel sorry enough for him that she would not make him pay child support or at least work with him. She told him ” You should probably sell your house b/c you can’t afford it”. The house is marital property so when and if he sells it…….half of the money will come to me. Our next court date is for equitable distribution. So, the following wknd after court was his visitation weekend. He refused to take my calls for me to speak to my daughter. 4 days he would not answer or return my calls. I had to call her school on Monday to make sure that he dropped her off. He did!

I think he has found his next victim bc in court my lawyer asked him if he has someone to watch her when he is unavailable. He said ” i”m working on that right now” SCARY!!!!!

FREEDOMatLAST

Oh, one last thing.

I took a new job paying $22K less than my previous job to care of our daughter. I could no longer work the hours required and care for her and he refused to do it. So, I really could not afford my mortgage. While he was in his home paying $1300 monthly and making about $90K yr. He refused to help me with her care or financially. So in the end (over 4 yrs)… my mortgage company worked with me and I am still in my home. He lost that $90K job and is only making about $40K per yr and can no longer afford his mortgage…. that BMW and that expensive lifestyle. They have started the process of foreclosure (and want to reposses his car) and I still have mine!!!

Mark one on the winning side for us!!!!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Freedom,

I’m glad that you got some kind of bond at least…does he live in Africa? Hopefully he will lose interest in you. I hate to say “I hope he finds another victim” because her loss will be your gain…and I feel sorry for her, but at the same time….I hope he does lose interest in you. Good luck and God bless and keep you safe. (((hugs)))

Eva

Yes, scary how they all say and do exactly the same things. How can these bugs be so similar? What the hell are they? Where do they come from? What’s their use?
Since i knew i was sleeping with a bug which is called psychopath i follow the news related to rapists, killers of women, of children, pederasts and seems incredible how very few lawyers, judges, psychologists in Spain dare to call them by their name, they just talk about manipulative, sadistic, arrogant, controlling personalities and so on, but they avoid the term psychopath even in clear cases of psychopathy.
And the psychiatrists are fixed on their idea that psychopaths are not desordered people, just people whose reality is too far from their wishes and that they’re just mostly narcissistic people and that many of them can be seen on tv in the gossiping programs.
I think psychopathy, generally talking, is not taken seriously.

FREEDOMatLAST

Ox Drover,

No, he lives here in the US. He used me to get here from Africa. That is where i met him. Once he came here and got his papers (citizenship) he was done with me. Now he tells everyone how I am such a horrible person and that I only want money from him, that is all that I care about. Doing the same thing to them that he did to me… lie about his past…pulling them in to get his supply from them.

I do beleive that he has lost interest in me and the only reason that he was going thru this process with court is to keep from paying child support. It did not work. Thank God that I found a lawyer who really watched him and his attorney. When i told her that he has NPD, she said….OMG, so does his lawyer. She immediatly saw who they both were. I thank the Creator for her daily. I don’t think the judge has seen it yet, but my lawyer knows it.

Anyway, I do feel sorry for new victim but self preservation is the first law of nature and I have to take care of myself and my daughter. Eventually she will realize who she is dealing with. She will end up sailing in the same boat that I just got out of. Poor woman!!!! She is about to go thru hell in a MAJOR way. He will do the same thing to her, use her for all that he can get from her and leave her standing with little or nothing. I know he REALLY wanted me to loose my home. He would tell me that if I lost my house, that me and the baby could come to live with him bc he could never allow us to be in the streets. REALLY??? I am surronded by people who love me so I would never be in the streets anyway. Which ironically is the reason I read this thread… bc I told him, I WILL LIVE IN A SHELTER GLADLY BEFORE I WOULD EVER SLEEP UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH YOU AGAIN!!! And, YES, HE CALLS ME CRAZY!!! lmao

If I am crazy and YOU are sane…. I’ll take crazy every day!!

Ox Drover

Dear Freedom, your post made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!

It might be possible if your state allows a biological parent to SIGN OVER PARENTAL RIGHTS without someone else adopting them…you might be able to get him to SIGN OVER PARENTAL RIGHTS IN EXCHANGE FOR DROPPING CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. You are going to always have trouble ACTUALLY getting child support payments anyway, so you might be better off if your state will allow that–some will and some won’t. The thing is if anything were to happen to you as long as he has parental “rights” he would not only get custody of your child, but access to any social security payments or any inheritance from you and could use it essentially without much if any oversight of the courts. My deceased step son’s soon to be X- P-wife was still legally married to him at the time he was killed in a car wreck and she got all the proceeds of his estate because she was the mother of his child. By the time the kid got to age 18 there was NOTHING LEFT….and there was more than enough there that the girl should have had a college education and more, but her p-mother went through it all.

It isn’t possible that I know of to “will” your child’s custody after your death if there is a biological parent who is not declared unfit prior to your death, but you might want to talk to your attorney and make the best case arrangements in case something were to happen to you while your X has any “parental rights” to your daughter in case something did happen. I pray to God that you live and are well at least until your child is grown and can see this man for what he is.

survivorlady

Hello my friends,
I am having a few tough weeks. I am overwhelmed with feelings of past happiness and am having a terrible time with it. I keep reminding myself that it was an illusion, so how can I want it back. I really do not want it back, but I keep on remembering my happy days, and how I felt inside, and I guess that is what I am craving. I actually do not want him back, I want those happy days back. I know that they did not actually exist, because its all fake, but how do we tell our brains that. I was married to him for 20 years, he love bombed me for most of it, till the mask dropped. My life as I knew it vanished.My children then 12 and 16 were devastated. I can honestly say that I was very lucky, my kids are with me, and they want nothing to do with the spath, they are now 19 and 15 and they are wonderful, beside the legal chit and the fact that the spath and his new girlfriend have come out of the woodwork, my kids and I are happy. Then why do I cry about my past, why am I feeling so lonely ? Why, why, why, should I not be over him ? I think sometimes I am inpatient with myself, and get upset with myself when I find myself thinking about him. I know I am addicted to him, but will never admit it to anyone, only to you my friends.Not sure what he did not me, but the man I married (who is actually fake), I miss him. How do I wrap my head around the insanity of it all ? I actually was jealous of the fact that the new women might feel some of the happiness that I once felt….how crazy is that ? I have had no contact for 2 years, and my kids now 19 and 15 have not seen him for over 2 years. Sometimes I think I am making progress and then I find myself thinking about him …..I hate that. Is this normal ? Some days are better than others. It feels like when I stopped smoking….I kept on thinking about the cigarettes constantly, even though I never smoked again. and its been 10 years. Will the craving go away. How can we be so addicted to the evil ?

skylar

Survivor Lady,
forgive me if I’m overstepping my bounds, but your post sounds to me like you have serious work to do on yourself. He saw a hole in you and plugged it. When he pulled the plug, you felt empty. you need to find that hole, what caused it and what should REALLY be filling it.

For me, finding out about my spath after 25 years, immediately revealed to me that my upbringing created a hole in me. That hole was to serve others in order to receive love. That hole was that I should be responsible so that others could live happily and without responsiblity. That hole was a need to be a scape goat. I still have that hole. But I’m working on it.

Try to find the hole by detemining what needs he filled for you. Remember the feelings and let them inform you. Was there shame or pride about anything? Look at the details of your life the way your read the details of other’s posts here on LF. Those details are the keys to your hooks.

I’m not saying that finding your hooks/holes will fill them, but I think it is a start: understanding yourself.

Well, that is the step I’m at and I don’t know for sure what the next step will be. (((I hope this has helped.)))

Ox Drover

Dear Survivorlady,

(((Hugs)))) Yea, I know what you mean about the stopping cigarettes and the “missing him” as well….and YEA it will get better.

Keep in mind that YOUR feelings were REAL, his were the fake ones, and yes, you were HAPPY because you believed him, and you were happy because you thought he loved you….and it is sad now…but we have to learn that our “happiness” must not depend on some one else. It must depend on ourselves. Then NO one can take away that happiness.

We can’t make ourselves “be happy” and we can’t “chase down” happiness but we can give ourselves PLEASURE—find something you enjoy doing, and DO IT. Give yourself some pleasure even something simple like a wonderful hot bath, or an ice cream sundae, that pleasure will add up with other pleasures and you will eventually BUILD HAPPINESS. Happiness is built out of little slivers of pleasure just like a house is built out of individual pieces of stone and wood….build your house of happiness! One piece at a time! ((((hugs))) and God bless.

Hope to heal

Dear Survivor:

Both cigarettes AND spaths are very bad for our health. And we are well rid of them.

Maybe spend some time reading other spath survivor’s stories here. I know that is what helps me in dealing with the aftermath of my dear R’s ex spath. We share a teenage son with her. She’s a nightmare.

You can do this, dear lady! Treat yourself, as Oxy suggested. And come here, and VENT. It is good for the soul!! ((((hugs))))

survivorlady

Dear Skylar, you are so correct. He found a hole and immediatly plugged in. My life was around my kids and him. I was the best I could be, when I took my vows I meant it. So when he left, I actually did not know what happened. My parents taught me to really take care of people and unconditional love. And I was ok with that, seeing smiles and making my family happy made me happy. To actually sit back and assess the damage and to understand how close the evil was is overwhelming in many ways.
Dear Ox, you are so correct, we need to make ourselves whole again, no one can do it but ourselves. And I understand that but the hurt sometimes can be consuming. During the day, no one can tell how hurt I am inside, and even my kids see me as a strong women, but at night when no one is around, the tears come down. I just needed to hear that it will get better, that the wound in my chest will eventually heal, the scar will always be there but it will heal.
You are all so helpful. God Bless.

aussiegirl

survivorlady –

Two years after the Superspath, I still didn’t believe that the pain would ever stop. I didn’t want to kill myself but I just didn’t want to live anymore either – it hurt too much.

Four years after the Superspath, I can’t believe it took me so long to cut the cord from my heart to where I had thought his was. It only ever had one end fastened – my end!

The end that I had thought was connected to him wasn’t, because he wasn’t even real. He was a wispy vaccuum of smoke; a hologram; a reflection in a mirror; a wraith. I was never really tied to anything. Once I realised that, I was able to get sane again.

It will pass for you too. Time and patience. xx

Precious

What is so frightening, is how typical this man sounds, as far as sociopaths go. Its like they all read it in a manual, “How to be the perfect Sociopath!”
They are adept. I found my self , Chelsea, making the same contact with my ex sp too, warning her, telling her to be very careful, this man will hurt her. She laughed at me, and told him that his crazy “ex friend” was warning her to stay away from him.
I saw myself in your shoes the day you called his new 27 year old bar maid girlfriend. Sociopaths, for having no emotions, really love to create them don’t they? Its always Drama time . They are the Drama addicts. Life was so peaceful and joyful again, after I flushed them out of my system. NO CONTACT. Love it. You win, I win, They lose.
They wreak of drama and madness from beginning to end. Its hard to believe they do not love , in fact, its like hate.
Its like revenge on every woman they ever hated, taken out on their victim.
Now you know the way they bait, you can realize the next time you’re being set up. Regular normal guys don’t show up with roses, and call you all day and arent’ trying to learn everything about you, and aren’t that nice on a continual basis until they “hook” you and reel you in. ( and then, its too late )
Well, nothing is “too late” . God works miracles and we learn lessons , and if we live through them, we gain more , are educated better, and never are blind like that again. protect yourself, protect your children.
I know God will continue to bless you Chelsea, and things will get better for you.

Ox Drover

Dear Bubblewrap, Yep, they do read from the “psychopath’s perfect play book” at least that is what I joked on here about until I actually read one that I thought sounded like the REAL BOOK, I did a Book Review here on it, “The 48 Laws of Power” and it reads just like the PP’s play book….scary how much it reads like it.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/12/29/book-review-the-48-laws-of-power/

LOL at Evas comment “I also felt guilty at the beginning because i abandoned him quickly after discovering his “peculiarity” is called psychopathy.”

Hi Chelsea, Sorry to hear about your story. The word “familiarity” springs to mind. I too would rather be homeless than soulless and I lost my home in the process but regained my sanity ! In the final phase of the relationship when I booted Mr Dark Soul out staying at my place for free for about 3 months after giving me some sob story about how he had “left his wife” for me I realised it was only a matter of time before the rest of the lies unfolded. The cheeky bar steward even had the cheek to think I was going to let him stay there another few months even though I had decided to end the relationship and made some excuse about not being able to pick up his stuff. When he did finally arrive he took everything including a packet of half eaten box of frosties and left a pile of bills. I remember saying to him what kind of a stingy bar steward takes a half eaten box of frosties !

Goodness knows how many debts he left for his poor wife and everyone else to clean up as they were dropping through the letter box for months after. As for him moving on I found a baby on his facebook a few months later so he either had another woman on the go whilst he was with me or did it to just p*ss me off and hurt me in the hope I would contact him and ask him who the hell the baby was. I didn’t bite.

We all feel responsbible for the other victims but the chances are if we tell them they wont listen. This article about the psychopath relationships circle by Sandra brown explains why

http://www.darksouls-thebook.com/off-the-radar.html

After clearing up the emoational mess I am now left with the biggest Financially mess ever and I am nearly 50. The strains put on me as a result of what happened I couldn’t even go there but I am strong.

However theres an expression “Fake it till you make it” and these predators are perfect fakers. So why not take a leaf out of their book when it comes to your own recovery. Get support and help but… My advice to anyone recovering is to never let THEM the predadator know you are hurting and where possible let them think you have moved on with your life as if they never existed in the first place.

geminigirl

To be fair to Sarah, the book “Dark Souls is not by Sandra Brown, it is by Sarah Strudwick.
I just thought it may cause some confusion if someone was trying to order it online.I have the book, and its very good!
GemX

@Gem thanks for the message 😉 sorry for the confusion as yes noordinary is me Sarah. I wasn’t plugging my book I was referring to Sandra Browns excellent article on the psychopathic ralationship but thankyou for the nice compliment ! much love x

bluejay

survivorlady,

When I read your story – what jumps out at me is that one day, you’re happily married, then within a short period of time (unexpectedly), boom, you’re not – you’re dealing with a STRANGER, not being able to wrap your brain around it. Your whole person was shocked (traumatized) by the discovery that your loving, devoted husband was a character actor (acting out a part). I know what you’re going through. I think that you might still be shell-shocked because your discovery came so suddenly – you weren’t prepared for it. Years can go by, still being amazed (and floored) by what transpired. All I can say is that I know it’s hard – my marriage is over, still finding it hard some days, just being overwhelmed by everything, not understanding how people can be like this (even though I know what kind of a person I’m dealing with).

Eva

Noordinary,
i suppose it sounds funny but imagine the face expression i got when i finally found serious information about this disorder (not emotional vampires, big pigs, mysoginism, etc.). I read Clerckey and Hare and i recognized the bug.

First i had read Hugo Marietan but, despite he’s a great specialist in psychopathy i didn’t get it because he’s more interested in the partners that accept these asymetrical relationships, and as i had not endured so much as regrettably some people do i was not able of recognizing the bug completely.
And finally i read my fellow country Vicente Garrido Genovés, and i saw the bugs are well known by the specialists everywhere.
It was very shocking because i, like so many people, related psychopathy with criminality. I had no idea about daily psychopaths, the ones that are everywhere among us.

jeannie812

To Chelsea,

His new girlfriend did not give you the time to tell on him cause he already gave her an earfull about you.

And, I believe he picked her because she drinks. This already gives him grounds to discredit her when she eventually speaks out about him.

skylar

Survivorlady,
yes that is exactly how I was trained by my parents. All my happiness comes from seeing others happy. It seems like a good way to be UNTIL WE MEET A SPATH. Then life becomes hell because they can never be happy. Although, they DO get pleasure from our pain !!

I’m so sorry that happened to you but I’m glad that you have wonderful children. That is a blessing and proof that God loves you. I like to think of it as God’s love when we have a hard lesson to learn. after all, all learning is hard, right? But I do keep praying to Him for mercy and to make my lessons easier.

Survivorlady, I’m very slowly learning to take pleasure in my own power and happiness. It isn’t as black and white as it may appear. Practice being selfish. There is a “good” type of selfishness. I read about it in an old book called “the art of selfishness”. I highly recommend it to you because of your over the top selfLESSness. You may never be able to get over your generous and giving nature (I haven’t yet but hope to) but at least be cognizant of this and understand that it is a weakness. So find a way to use it as your STRENGTH.

Chelsea

Hi to all you wonderful souls who have reached out to my story, THANK YOU! Although, I have to struggled daily to support my disabled brother, my son, my animals, and all the financial debts, I have managed to get through a day at a time. I am unabled to obtain empoyment right now because my brother’s disabilities warranted 24 hour care. Unfortunately, he does not qualify for any recovery care in an in-house center. My immediate family has given up helping with him, as they say “Hey there is nothing I can do for him”, yet if I had not taken him into my home he would of ended up in a shelter. Sadly he is the most giving and compassinate man who would give his life for his family, but our family does not even give him the time of day. So at this point I have to just trust God they he will help me stay strong and trust faith that we will be okay. As for my ex-SP, I hear his new girlfriend is just head over hills for him. Her words “I am just one incredible spoiled girl these days, and a girl can get used to this”. SICK, as I remember feeling the same way at the beginning. I do have those fog moments where I think “Wow maybe he will change for her and be this true amazing guy”? I look at the advantages he has with this one, which is, he lives out of town where noone knows him, he makes lots of money, and he is safe from anyone who knows him could expose him. Such as, his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, his step-mother, his daughter etc. With me, I was in constant contact with people who could and did expose him. Now his new girl has 100 % of his time with no interruptions. Will he be exceptionally better to her? I don’t know, but I do know he lives a lie everyday and that can not be happiness! As the Serenity Prayer states “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the SP), the courage the change the things I can (My life), and the wisdom to know the difference!

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