UPDATED FOR 2024: Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Chelsea.”
Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man!
My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was flirting with me and I was growing impatient by his rather obnoxious behavior. But his friend seemed to be pleasant and rather calm, so we began to chat.
He seemed so kind and was so interested in learning about me. At the time, I was going through a divorce and had just gotten full custody of my son. I spoke a little bit about my ex-husband, explaining that he had suffered from prescription drug addiction, and unfortunately that was what ended our marriage. He began to share his past, and how he had gone through a divorce, and he too was a single parent with one child. We shared some more about our ex’s and it seem that he really showed a lot of compassion for what I was going through, and that he felt we shared a lot in common.
He knew actually what to say to make me feel like I deserved a great man in my life. He complimented me a lot through the conversation. Letting me know that I was very pretty, and what a great personality I had. Finally he asked me for my number, which normally I would never give out to a total stranger, but there was something about him that made me comfortable enough to trust him.
First date
A couple days later he called me and wanted to take me out that night, but I could not go out that night so we agreed to meet the following night. We decided to meet at a restaurant in my neighborhood. When I arrived he had one long stem rose for me and a very charming smile. He was very much a gentlemen and made sure to open the door for me, as well as compliment how beautiful he thought I looked. He continued to charm me through the whole dinner. He just seemed to understand everything, and we seemed to share so many of the same things.
By the end of the night he gracefully walked me to my car and asked politely for a goodnight kiss. We shared a romantic kiss and he asked to see me again. Of course I agreed. How could I not? He charmed me all night at dinner.
By the next morning I already received a call from him, and he said he had such a wonderful time with me and he wanted to take me out the next night. He showed up at my home this time to pick me up as he had wonderful dinner plans. He arrived again with another long stem rose in hand and stood in front of my home like a prince charming. Opening the door and once again complimenting me on how beautiful he thought I was. He took me to a very expensive oceanfront restaurant and we shared another amazing night. From that night on, I was in for what was the longest roller coaster ride of my life.
Courtship begins
He called me every day, and wanted me with him all the time. He took me on expensive vacations and outings. He told me how important family and kids were, which is what I told him the first night I met him. Oh yeah, and I also told him how I was against drugs and he told me he was very much anti-drug too. Everything I wanted in life, he made sure to tell me that is exactly what he wanted in life.
He wanted to show me off to his friends almost immediately, which made me feel on top of the world. He called me all the time, all day long, just to tell me he missed me when we were not together. Within a month he told me he was in love with me and ask me to be his girlfriend. Of course I accepted, how could I not? He was such a romantic, charming man, who seemed to be everything I could ask for in a man.
When we began our official courtship, he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I was a little hesitant to introduce our kids to one another, as we had only been dating for a short time, but he insisted we needed to meet each other’s children. My son was 13, and his daughter had just turned 7 years old. The day came and he surprised me and brought his daughter to meet me. She was a little timid at first, but within a short time she and I began such an amazing bond together. As for my son, he finally met him and my SP ex acted like the coolest guy to my son. I thought, wow, this is going to work out great.
For the first few months together, there was nothing he would not do for me. He was always so assertive, kind, romantic, and loving. Then I started to meet more of his friends and everything seemed okay, but I noticed everything we did revolved around his plans only.
The exes
I started asking more about his past relationships, and he told me he had a toxic ex-wife, and that his last girlfriend was crazy. That he had to run away from them because they were both crazy. I thought to myself, gosh how could anyone dislike him; he so great. He also told me how jealous his past ex’s were, and that had it not been for him, they would have had nothing. That he gave his home to his ex-wife so that their daughter would not have to move. That he gave everything to his ex-wife when they divorced, because that’s what a real man would do for his family.
As for his ex-girlfriend just before me, he gave her money and paid for everything and she still treated him bad. That he had to change the locks on the door because she would break in and destroy stuff. That his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his daughter. I could not understand how these women could treat him this way. He also shared that his real mom was a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 5 years old. That his father raised him, and when he was 8 years old, his father remarried. He said his stepmom was mean to him and she only cared about her own kids. I felt so sorry for him. This poor guy just wanted someone to love him. So I was determined to give him all the love he deserved.
For the next 5 1/2 years, I dedicated my entire being to this man. I realize I sold my soul to the devil.
Nothing but lies
Everything he told me was nothing but lies. Not only was he lying about his past relationships, he also was lying about being anti-drug. He claimed that he was a very dedicated Catholic, but yet he lied, cheated, used and stole from people’s lives. He also had a secret relationship with his cousin for many years before I met him.
He threatened his ex-wife during their divorce that if she did not give him money, cars, and half of everything he was going to destroy her life. He had NO compassion for what their daughter had to go through, who was only 5 years old at the time. He always told me his daughter was his life, but I learned later on that before I was a part of his life he was always dropping his daughter off with his stepmom when it was his weekend to have her. Remember this was the stepmom who he said treated him terrible as a child, but she was okay to take care of his daughter. He never paid his child support on time and owed his ex tons of back support, which he denied.
Furthermore, this was a man who became extremely jealous, controlling, obsessed, and then verbally, emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically abusive. All the qualities that he NEVER showed when we first courted. Worst of all, he has absolutely no remorse for the pain he causes. He actually turns it around and makes you believe that it was you.
Staying home
Before I met him, I had a home, a good amount of money in the bank (financial security), good credit, nice car, lots of friends, confidence, self-esteem, healthy and a positive outlook on life. Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am almost homeless, jobless (because he convinced me that I needed to stay home and be a stepmom to his daughter), because his job required him go to night shift and then out of town, so he needed me to take care of her for him. Also my brother suffered a brain injury and my ex told me that we need to take care of family and I need to take care of my brother too. But that he would take care of the finances and make sure everything was paid for each month.
I had never been without a job, but the last year of our relationship, his ex was taking him back to court for back monies owed and custody and he needed the courts to see he could take care of her. So he convinced me to quit working and take care of his daughter and my brother, that I was a blessing to him, his daughter, and my brother. That me taking care of the family, home, animals, and all other necessary things he needed was more than a job in itself.
Calling every day
He would call me every day when he was out of town, wanting to know what I was doing, who was I talking to, who was I with, and what was I doing every minute of the day. Knowing that I was at home taking care of his daughter, my disabled brother, and the home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, as he said my responsibility is in the home. But he would be out of town hanging out in the bars, then calling me hours later drunk. He would tell me I had no right being mad, as he was working day and night to support me. That I should be kissing the ground he walked on for even taking care of the home.
When I would ask for the money to pay the bills he would tell me I had to wait, and then the bills would be behind with shut off notices. He would verbally abuse me, and tell me if I complained he would stop paying for everything and I would be homeless with my retarded brother (he called him), and my shitty son, and the family pets. That he did not have to pay for anything, and could save his money as he lives for free out of town because the company pays all his expenses. That he did not even have to come in town at all.
Then he started disappearing at night when he was out of town and if I questioned him were he was at he attacked me. But, he had to know everything and everywhere I was. If I did not answer the phone when he called, he would verbally abuse me and accuse me of cheating on him. I had to bring the phone with me in the shower just in case he called. He would yell at his daughter and tell her she does not have a voice. When I would try and protect her, he would tell me in a loud voice “you better shut your mouth little girl,” and I am 41 years old.
I was walking on pins and needles. My health has been majorly affected by his abuse. I feel numb, empty, and lost inside. I finally could not allow the threats and abuse from him anymore, so I stood up to him and he then started being physical. He had been physical in the past but said he would never do that again. But once I started standing up to him, he got worse.
Christmas
On Christmas Eve of 2010, he came home and treated me poorly and when I finally broke down in tears, he laughed at me and said, “Stop with the damn tears.” Even though I worked so hard to please him, and decorated the whole house by myself for Christmas, shopped so I could cook a wonderful dinner, he did not even care. My son did not want to be around him, so he left. Then my ex told me I will regret everything I am doing and NOBODY loves you, in fact I would be better off dead because no one would miss me. My heart was completely shattered.
My son was resentful against me for being with my ex; my brother went to my mother’s house for Christmas. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family how bad it was, because they saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. So my ex continued to mentally and emotionally abuse me on Christmas Eve to the point that I was crying my heart out and begging him to stop. But he just kept telling me to go kill myself, as that would be a great Christmas gift to everyone. He then left and went out with his friends drinking all night.
I actually took my son’s car in the drive way and considered driving off the nearest canyon. I thought, I lost my life to the devil, and maybe he is right—I wouldn’t be good for anyone now. I have no money, no job, bad credit now, no medical insurance anymore (I had to give that up to because he did not pay for it like he said he would), my health was/is bad from the stress, I am now emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually bankrupted.
No more
I finally told him that I would rather be homeless then to spend another day feeling soul-less because of him. He told me he would take everything from the home and not pay one dime for the rent. When he went back out of town for work—he only came home on weekends anyway—I packed up all of his belongings and put them in the garage. I placed a lock on my bedroom door and told him to come get his stuff, that he was no longer allowed to abuse me anymore.
He threatened that he would not move, that I should move out if I am unhappy. I told him no—I have already lost too much and I am not going to lose anymore. He threatened to call the property management and tell them I was unemployed and had no means to pay the rent. Oh yeah, by the way, it was my good credit at the time that got us qualified for the home. I told him to go right ahead and tell them anything you wanted and if they don’t let me stay I will have to move, but I will not let him hurt me anymore.
When he arrived the following weekend he came into the home and saw that I was serious and moved his stuff into the garage and then he threw me up against the wall and threatened me. I ran from him and called the police and they came out but he had left before they arrived. Sadly, they told me since I was not bleeding or had any broken bones they could not do anything. He called me later that night and left a message telling me he would be back tomorrow to take everything from our home.
Packed up
He never showed up and I had to call his parents and tell them he never showed. His stepmother told his father and his father told him to stop fighting and get your stuff out. He told his father that I was an alcoholic and abusing him. His father tries to pretend like his son does no wrong and always supports his behavior — denial! He eventually showed up and started to pack but continued to verbally abuse me. It was hard, but I just ignored him and tried not to react to any of his abuse. He also told me that he is glad to get away from me, that I am evil and now he has a nice new younger girl who appreciates him. As hurtful as it was I just responded with, “God Bless her.”
He then stopped packing and said he would be back another day to move. He went back out of town and while he was gone I opened up the POD, which is a moving box, and placed all the rest of his stuff in it. Then I had his classic car, that just sat in out in our backyard, towed to his parents. When he found out, he called and left a message stating he was going to call the police on me for touching his stuff. I never responded, but I did tell his stepmother, and she said, “good for you.” She knows who he is, and she is glad he is out of my life.
Sadly, he does not like his stepmother, nor does he have much of a relationship with any of his sisters. His ex-wife said she was in therapy for nearly 4 years after their divorce, trying to figure out what was wrong with her that he treated her so bad. It’s been 7 years since their divorce and she still struggles emotionally from what he did to her.
It’s been 2 months since he has been out of my life and I struggle every day, trying to stay above water with all my responsibilities. I don’t know day to day if I will have money to support my brother, son and our dogs, but for the grace of god I have managed so far.
New girlfriend
As for my ex SP, he finally actually told the truth for once in his life—he does have a new girlfriend up were he works. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. She happens to be the bartender were he has been drinking for the past year and half. She is going through a divorce and has two small kids. I heard he has been spending a lot of money on her. Apparently, he is a very charming man and will do anything for her and her kids. Does this sound familiar?
The only difference is, she has two kids, she likes to party, and he is in a town were no one knows his past. Sadly, she has a record of drunk driving and reckless driving, and she is a young mother. He may be able to con her a lot more, or maybe not! Scary thing is, he is extremely jealous and she works at a bar — could this be more dangerous for her?
I felt I needed to warn her of who he is, so I contacted her at the bar and she answered. I was very polite and told her that the man she is with is not who he claims to be. She needs to be very careful. That he has damaged many lives, and this has been his pattern with relationships. That I worry for her and her kids. She obviously is lost in the honeymoon stage as her response was, “Sorry Sweetie I am at work and cannot talk, but thanks for the call Sweetheart.” You can’t say I did not try!
SP’s find out any struggles you may have, and what your likes and desires are, and they build on that. Just like when I met him, I was the newly divorced single mother. What I thought was a charming man, was clearly a man searching for his new prey and I took the bait.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 23, 2011.
Sociopaths and sexually explicit photos
I also felt guilty at the beginning because i abandoned him quickly after discovering his “peculiarity” is called psychopathy.
He gave me much pleasure at the beginning but also much pain at the end. So i got rid of my guilty complex. To the hell with them both, guilty complex and psychopaths.
Dear Aussiegirl, thanks I read the article – and the comments. Gives me a lot to think about. As Ox Drover mentions, I really must go through the archives and gather strength and encouragement from all of you on this forum.
As to escaping with my life – I think I was very lucky – towards the end, my husband who is an ex Special Forces man, had me up by the neck a couple of times, when I calmly told him to finish the job as I had nothing left to live for anyway.
After that and other times of violence, he became sexually aroused, and he just wanted sex, and I read somewhere else that that is one of the traits of a sociopath.
Thanks to everyone, I will keep coming back daily to read and heal. Hugs
Dear Still grieving,
Sociopaths seem to view people as objects and feel an OWNERSHIP INTEREST in them….much as a person might own an object and feel that they had a right to destroy it if it didn’t suit them. “Normal” people who “own” a pet have some regard for the welfare of the pet, even if for some reason the pet is not satisfactory, they don’t cause the pet pain or strangle it. If a pet must for some reason be “put down” it is done humanely, not in a way to cause the animal distress because normal people have empathy for the suffering of ANYTHING or anyone. Psychopaths have no empathy, and feel ENTITLED to punish anyone who comes between them and whatever their desires are.
Unfortunately, many times psychopaths excel in “special forces” or military or police work, or criminal “work” as well. I am just glad that you managed to get away from this man with your life and body intact.
Read the story Donna put up today about the police ignoring the family of a woman in hiding….and how her husband kidnapped her brother and tortured,, murdered and then dismembered the body of her brother, trying to get her brother to tell where she was hiding. The murderers did this because they firmly believed that they had a RIGHT to punish ANYONE who came between this man and the “wife” he felt he OWNED. I realize there was some “cultural” stuff going on with this whole family situation as well, but there was more psychopathic “stuff” going on than “Cultural stuff” I think.
It is certain that even in cultures which do not well respect women that this kind of outrageous brutality is not common practice.
I endured 5 long years with a sociopath, he lied,cheated,took money from me, even thugh i was a single parent and not earning too much myself, i incurred a lot of debt just to keep him going! he was physically as well as mentally abusive, id always felt deep down that things were not right, but because i suffered low self asteem and no confidence, of course i was a prime target for him his history before me i had been informed about and it was very dark! but still i thought well, he just hasnt met the right girl to make him happy, so i soldiered on…. he did the most dispicable things to me, and still i went back!!! i couldnt even begin to write on here wot he did to me, and as i sit here today i look back and kick myself for not trusting my instincts enough to leave sooner, i hope one day to write a book on my life with this man, if nothing but to let the world be more aware of the “SOCIOPATH” and i thank god i found this web site, i know i was led to it by higher forces if you like, because i had to know i wasnt going mad and i was better than this man led me to believe, i know he will tire soon because he already hates that im getting stronger! and have really started to believe in me and thats what SOCIOPATHS hate, they prey on the vulnurable and eat away your soul.
Dear Sharon,
I too believe that you were led here by a Higher power, and I know from my own experience that there is HEALING HERE. Learn all you can and read in the archives….knowledge is power. It is what will help you through the worst of the pain.
Again, welcome to LF and glad that you found your way here. God bless.
Robx – ‘slap his head off and watch his head roll down a hill’ (((((((((((((laughing MY head off at this))))))))))) Brilliant.
R-babe, what is that old joke about a “slinky” rolling down a flight of stairs? I really can’t remember it exactly, but I think it would be just as cute to see a P-spath’s head rolling down the stairs like the slinky, would put a smile on lots of folks’ faces. LOL Ohhhhh Oxy that is baaaaaad! BOINK!
You are indeed home-free!!
I’m new here too and have found so much to read!! I am so overwhelmed with all of the love and support that is shared here. Blessings to all… I believe that we can all come out of the “fog” and into the sunshine of spath free living!!
Hi All!
Still grieving, I used to say that the beginning of my relationsh*t with my ex was the happiest time of my life. I no longer believe that because it was all a lie. I think of other times that I was truly happy and not happy with what I thought was real. Someone asked me recently if I was really in love with him. I told my friend that i was really in love with who i thought he was. I don’t know this guy, this is not who I thought that I was marrying, so the answer is yes and no. We would be happily married today, had he truly been that person.
It has been a while since I logged on, but I still read your post. So I’ve been to court for custody of my daughter and child support. I got physical custody and he got visitation every other wknd. He came in with his usual lies. And actually asked (like I knew that he would) to take her to Africa during the summers for 2 months. The judge set things up in a way that he can only take her out of the country if he leaves a $10K bond with the court for me. That is better than nothing considering that he is so selfish and self centered and needs to look good at all times that he will never have $10K to hand to someone else. I still don’t think that $10K is enough but it is better than him just walking out of the country with her. In order not to pay child support He moaned and bitched about how he cant take care of himself and that he can’t even buy food and 5 mins later he is saying how he would be happy to pay for me and my daughter to visit him in Africa. I wouldn’t visit you at the local trash dump! It will NEVER happen!
When we were in court last, I was the scum of the Earth, now this time I am the greatest Mom on the planet and he is so greatful that I am is daughters mother. I am excellent with her, yada, yada, yada. But you’re taking me to court for custody b/c I am unfit???? REALLY???
He thought that he could come into court and have the judge feel sorry enough for him that she would not make him pay child support or at least work with him. She told him ” You should probably sell your house b/c you can’t afford it”. The house is marital property so when and if he sells it…….half of the money will come to me. Our next court date is for equitable distribution. So, the following wknd after court was his visitation weekend. He refused to take my calls for me to speak to my daughter. 4 days he would not answer or return my calls. I had to call her school on Monday to make sure that he dropped her off. He did!
I think he has found his next victim bc in court my lawyer asked him if he has someone to watch her when he is unavailable. He said ” i”m working on that right now” SCARY!!!!!
Oh, one last thing.
I took a new job paying $22K less than my previous job to care of our daughter. I could no longer work the hours required and care for her and he refused to do it. So, I really could not afford my mortgage. While he was in his home paying $1300 monthly and making about $90K yr. He refused to help me with her care or financially. So in the end (over 4 yrs)… my mortgage company worked with me and I am still in my home. He lost that $90K job and is only making about $40K per yr and can no longer afford his mortgage…. that BMW and that expensive lifestyle. They have started the process of foreclosure (and want to reposses his car) and I still have mine!!!
Mark one on the winning side for us!!!!!!