UPDATED FOR 2024: Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Chelsea.”
Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man!
My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was flirting with me and I was growing impatient by his rather obnoxious behavior. But his friend seemed to be pleasant and rather calm, so we began to chat.
He seemed so kind and was so interested in learning about me. At the time, I was going through a divorce and had just gotten full custody of my son. I spoke a little bit about my ex-husband, explaining that he had suffered from prescription drug addiction, and unfortunately that was what ended our marriage. He began to share his past, and how he had gone through a divorce, and he too was a single parent with one child. We shared some more about our ex’s and it seem that he really showed a lot of compassion for what I was going through, and that he felt we shared a lot in common.
He knew actually what to say to make me feel like I deserved a great man in my life. He complimented me a lot through the conversation. Letting me know that I was very pretty, and what a great personality I had. Finally he asked me for my number, which normally I would never give out to a total stranger, but there was something about him that made me comfortable enough to trust him.
First date
A couple days later he called me and wanted to take me out that night, but I could not go out that night so we agreed to meet the following night. We decided to meet at a restaurant in my neighborhood. When I arrived he had one long stem rose for me and a very charming smile. He was very much a gentlemen and made sure to open the door for me, as well as compliment how beautiful he thought I looked. He continued to charm me through the whole dinner. He just seemed to understand everything, and we seemed to share so many of the same things.
By the end of the night he gracefully walked me to my car and asked politely for a goodnight kiss. We shared a romantic kiss and he asked to see me again. Of course I agreed. How could I not? He charmed me all night at dinner.
By the next morning I already received a call from him, and he said he had such a wonderful time with me and he wanted to take me out the next night. He showed up at my home this time to pick me up as he had wonderful dinner plans. He arrived again with another long stem rose in hand and stood in front of my home like a prince charming. Opening the door and once again complimenting me on how beautiful he thought I was. He took me to a very expensive oceanfront restaurant and we shared another amazing night. From that night on, I was in for what was the longest roller coaster ride of my life.
Courtship begins
He called me every day, and wanted me with him all the time. He took me on expensive vacations and outings. He told me how important family and kids were, which is what I told him the first night I met him. Oh yeah, and I also told him how I was against drugs and he told me he was very much anti-drug too. Everything I wanted in life, he made sure to tell me that is exactly what he wanted in life.
He wanted to show me off to his friends almost immediately, which made me feel on top of the world. He called me all the time, all day long, just to tell me he missed me when we were not together. Within a month he told me he was in love with me and ask me to be his girlfriend. Of course I accepted, how could I not? He was such a romantic, charming man, who seemed to be everything I could ask for in a man.
When we began our official courtship, he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I was a little hesitant to introduce our kids to one another, as we had only been dating for a short time, but he insisted we needed to meet each other’s children. My son was 13, and his daughter had just turned 7 years old. The day came and he surprised me and brought his daughter to meet me. She was a little timid at first, but within a short time she and I began such an amazing bond together. As for my son, he finally met him and my SP ex acted like the coolest guy to my son. I thought, wow, this is going to work out great.
For the first few months together, there was nothing he would not do for me. He was always so assertive, kind, romantic, and loving. Then I started to meet more of his friends and everything seemed okay, but I noticed everything we did revolved around his plans only.
The exes
I started asking more about his past relationships, and he told me he had a toxic ex-wife, and that his last girlfriend was crazy. That he had to run away from them because they were both crazy. I thought to myself, gosh how could anyone dislike him; he so great. He also told me how jealous his past ex’s were, and that had it not been for him, they would have had nothing. That he gave his home to his ex-wife so that their daughter would not have to move. That he gave everything to his ex-wife when they divorced, because that’s what a real man would do for his family.
As for his ex-girlfriend just before me, he gave her money and paid for everything and she still treated him bad. That he had to change the locks on the door because she would break in and destroy stuff. That his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his daughter. I could not understand how these women could treat him this way. He also shared that his real mom was a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 5 years old. That his father raised him, and when he was 8 years old, his father remarried. He said his stepmom was mean to him and she only cared about her own kids. I felt so sorry for him. This poor guy just wanted someone to love him. So I was determined to give him all the love he deserved.
For the next 5 1/2 years, I dedicated my entire being to this man. I realize I sold my soul to the devil.
Nothing but lies
Everything he told me was nothing but lies. Not only was he lying about his past relationships, he also was lying about being anti-drug. He claimed that he was a very dedicated Catholic, but yet he lied, cheated, used and stole from people’s lives. He also had a secret relationship with his cousin for many years before I met him.
He threatened his ex-wife during their divorce that if she did not give him money, cars, and half of everything he was going to destroy her life. He had NO compassion for what their daughter had to go through, who was only 5 years old at the time. He always told me his daughter was his life, but I learned later on that before I was a part of his life he was always dropping his daughter off with his stepmom when it was his weekend to have her. Remember this was the stepmom who he said treated him terrible as a child, but she was okay to take care of his daughter. He never paid his child support on time and owed his ex tons of back support, which he denied.
Furthermore, this was a man who became extremely jealous, controlling, obsessed, and then verbally, emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically abusive. All the qualities that he NEVER showed when we first courted. Worst of all, he has absolutely no remorse for the pain he causes. He actually turns it around and makes you believe that it was you.
Staying home
Before I met him, I had a home, a good amount of money in the bank (financial security), good credit, nice car, lots of friends, confidence, self-esteem, healthy and a positive outlook on life. Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am almost homeless, jobless (because he convinced me that I needed to stay home and be a stepmom to his daughter), because his job required him go to night shift and then out of town, so he needed me to take care of her for him. Also my brother suffered a brain injury and my ex told me that we need to take care of family and I need to take care of my brother too. But that he would take care of the finances and make sure everything was paid for each month.
I had never been without a job, but the last year of our relationship, his ex was taking him back to court for back monies owed and custody and he needed the courts to see he could take care of her. So he convinced me to quit working and take care of his daughter and my brother, that I was a blessing to him, his daughter, and my brother. That me taking care of the family, home, animals, and all other necessary things he needed was more than a job in itself.
Calling every day
He would call me every day when he was out of town, wanting to know what I was doing, who was I talking to, who was I with, and what was I doing every minute of the day. Knowing that I was at home taking care of his daughter, my disabled brother, and the home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, as he said my responsibility is in the home. But he would be out of town hanging out in the bars, then calling me hours later drunk. He would tell me I had no right being mad, as he was working day and night to support me. That I should be kissing the ground he walked on for even taking care of the home.
When I would ask for the money to pay the bills he would tell me I had to wait, and then the bills would be behind with shut off notices. He would verbally abuse me, and tell me if I complained he would stop paying for everything and I would be homeless with my retarded brother (he called him), and my shitty son, and the family pets. That he did not have to pay for anything, and could save his money as he lives for free out of town because the company pays all his expenses. That he did not even have to come in town at all.
Then he started disappearing at night when he was out of town and if I questioned him were he was at he attacked me. But, he had to know everything and everywhere I was. If I did not answer the phone when he called, he would verbally abuse me and accuse me of cheating on him. I had to bring the phone with me in the shower just in case he called. He would yell at his daughter and tell her she does not have a voice. When I would try and protect her, he would tell me in a loud voice “you better shut your mouth little girl,” and I am 41 years old.
I was walking on pins and needles. My health has been majorly affected by his abuse. I feel numb, empty, and lost inside. I finally could not allow the threats and abuse from him anymore, so I stood up to him and he then started being physical. He had been physical in the past but said he would never do that again. But once I started standing up to him, he got worse.
Christmas
On Christmas Eve of 2010, he came home and treated me poorly and when I finally broke down in tears, he laughed at me and said, “Stop with the damn tears.” Even though I worked so hard to please him, and decorated the whole house by myself for Christmas, shopped so I could cook a wonderful dinner, he did not even care. My son did not want to be around him, so he left. Then my ex told me I will regret everything I am doing and NOBODY loves you, in fact I would be better off dead because no one would miss me. My heart was completely shattered.
My son was resentful against me for being with my ex; my brother went to my mother’s house for Christmas. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family how bad it was, because they saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. So my ex continued to mentally and emotionally abuse me on Christmas Eve to the point that I was crying my heart out and begging him to stop. But he just kept telling me to go kill myself, as that would be a great Christmas gift to everyone. He then left and went out with his friends drinking all night.
I actually took my son’s car in the drive way and considered driving off the nearest canyon. I thought, I lost my life to the devil, and maybe he is right—I wouldn’t be good for anyone now. I have no money, no job, bad credit now, no medical insurance anymore (I had to give that up to because he did not pay for it like he said he would), my health was/is bad from the stress, I am now emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually bankrupted.
No more
I finally told him that I would rather be homeless then to spend another day feeling soul-less because of him. He told me he would take everything from the home and not pay one dime for the rent. When he went back out of town for work—he only came home on weekends anyway—I packed up all of his belongings and put them in the garage. I placed a lock on my bedroom door and told him to come get his stuff, that he was no longer allowed to abuse me anymore.
He threatened that he would not move, that I should move out if I am unhappy. I told him no—I have already lost too much and I am not going to lose anymore. He threatened to call the property management and tell them I was unemployed and had no means to pay the rent. Oh yeah, by the way, it was my good credit at the time that got us qualified for the home. I told him to go right ahead and tell them anything you wanted and if they don’t let me stay I will have to move, but I will not let him hurt me anymore.
When he arrived the following weekend he came into the home and saw that I was serious and moved his stuff into the garage and then he threw me up against the wall and threatened me. I ran from him and called the police and they came out but he had left before they arrived. Sadly, they told me since I was not bleeding or had any broken bones they could not do anything. He called me later that night and left a message telling me he would be back tomorrow to take everything from our home.
Packed up
He never showed up and I had to call his parents and tell them he never showed. His stepmother told his father and his father told him to stop fighting and get your stuff out. He told his father that I was an alcoholic and abusing him. His father tries to pretend like his son does no wrong and always supports his behavior — denial! He eventually showed up and started to pack but continued to verbally abuse me. It was hard, but I just ignored him and tried not to react to any of his abuse. He also told me that he is glad to get away from me, that I am evil and now he has a nice new younger girl who appreciates him. As hurtful as it was I just responded with, “God Bless her.”
He then stopped packing and said he would be back another day to move. He went back out of town and while he was gone I opened up the POD, which is a moving box, and placed all the rest of his stuff in it. Then I had his classic car, that just sat in out in our backyard, towed to his parents. When he found out, he called and left a message stating he was going to call the police on me for touching his stuff. I never responded, but I did tell his stepmother, and she said, “good for you.” She knows who he is, and she is glad he is out of my life.
Sadly, he does not like his stepmother, nor does he have much of a relationship with any of his sisters. His ex-wife said she was in therapy for nearly 4 years after their divorce, trying to figure out what was wrong with her that he treated her so bad. It’s been 7 years since their divorce and she still struggles emotionally from what he did to her.
It’s been 2 months since he has been out of my life and I struggle every day, trying to stay above water with all my responsibilities. I don’t know day to day if I will have money to support my brother, son and our dogs, but for the grace of god I have managed so far.
New girlfriend
As for my ex SP, he finally actually told the truth for once in his life—he does have a new girlfriend up were he works. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. She happens to be the bartender were he has been drinking for the past year and half. She is going through a divorce and has two small kids. I heard he has been spending a lot of money on her. Apparently, he is a very charming man and will do anything for her and her kids. Does this sound familiar?
The only difference is, she has two kids, she likes to party, and he is in a town were no one knows his past. Sadly, she has a record of drunk driving and reckless driving, and she is a young mother. He may be able to con her a lot more, or maybe not! Scary thing is, he is extremely jealous and she works at a bar — could this be more dangerous for her?
I felt I needed to warn her of who he is, so I contacted her at the bar and she answered. I was very polite and told her that the man she is with is not who he claims to be. She needs to be very careful. That he has damaged many lives, and this has been his pattern with relationships. That I worry for her and her kids. She obviously is lost in the honeymoon stage as her response was, “Sorry Sweetie I am at work and cannot talk, but thanks for the call Sweetheart.” You can’t say I did not try!
SP’s find out any struggles you may have, and what your likes and desires are, and they build on that. Just like when I met him, I was the newly divorced single mother. What I thought was a charming man, was clearly a man searching for his new prey and I took the bait.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 23, 2011.
Sociopaths and sexually explicit photos
Dear Freedom,
I’m glad that you got some kind of bond at least…does he live in Africa? Hopefully he will lose interest in you. I hate to say “I hope he finds another victim” because her loss will be your gain…and I feel sorry for her, but at the same time….I hope he does lose interest in you. Good luck and God bless and keep you safe. (((hugs)))
Yes, scary how they all say and do exactly the same things. How can these bugs be so similar? What the hell are they? Where do they come from? What’s their use?
Since i knew i was sleeping with a bug which is called psychopath i follow the news related to rapists, killers of women, of children, pederasts and seems incredible how very few lawyers, judges, psychologists in Spain dare to call them by their name, they just talk about manipulative, sadistic, arrogant, controlling personalities and so on, but they avoid the term psychopath even in clear cases of psychopathy.
And the psychiatrists are fixed on their idea that psychopaths are not desordered people, just people whose reality is too far from their wishes and that they’re just mostly narcissistic people and that many of them can be seen on tv in the gossiping programs.
I think psychopathy, generally talking, is not taken seriously.
Ox Drover,
No, he lives here in the US. He used me to get here from Africa. That is where i met him. Once he came here and got his papers (citizenship) he was done with me. Now he tells everyone how I am such a horrible person and that I only want money from him, that is all that I care about. Doing the same thing to them that he did to me… lie about his past…pulling them in to get his supply from them.
I do beleive that he has lost interest in me and the only reason that he was going thru this process with court is to keep from paying child support. It did not work. Thank God that I found a lawyer who really watched him and his attorney. When i told her that he has NPD, she said….OMG, so does his lawyer. She immediatly saw who they both were. I thank the Creator for her daily. I don’t think the judge has seen it yet, but my lawyer knows it.
Anyway, I do feel sorry for new victim but self preservation is the first law of nature and I have to take care of myself and my daughter. Eventually she will realize who she is dealing with. She will end up sailing in the same boat that I just got out of. Poor woman!!!! She is about to go thru hell in a MAJOR way. He will do the same thing to her, use her for all that he can get from her and leave her standing with little or nothing. I know he REALLY wanted me to loose my home. He would tell me that if I lost my house, that me and the baby could come to live with him bc he could never allow us to be in the streets. REALLY??? I am surronded by people who love me so I would never be in the streets anyway. Which ironically is the reason I read this thread… bc I told him, I WILL LIVE IN A SHELTER GLADLY BEFORE I WOULD EVER SLEEP UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH YOU AGAIN!!! And, YES, HE CALLS ME CRAZY!!! lmao
If I am crazy and YOU are sane…. I’ll take crazy every day!!
Dear Freedom, your post made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!
It might be possible if your state allows a biological parent to SIGN OVER PARENTAL RIGHTS without someone else adopting them…you might be able to get him to SIGN OVER PARENTAL RIGHTS IN EXCHANGE FOR DROPPING CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. You are going to always have trouble ACTUALLY getting child support payments anyway, so you might be better off if your state will allow that–some will and some won’t. The thing is if anything were to happen to you as long as he has parental “rights” he would not only get custody of your child, but access to any social security payments or any inheritance from you and could use it essentially without much if any oversight of the courts. My deceased step son’s soon to be X- P-wife was still legally married to him at the time he was killed in a car wreck and she got all the proceeds of his estate because she was the mother of his child. By the time the kid got to age 18 there was NOTHING LEFT….and there was more than enough there that the girl should have had a college education and more, but her p-mother went through it all.
It isn’t possible that I know of to “will” your child’s custody after your death if there is a biological parent who is not declared unfit prior to your death, but you might want to talk to your attorney and make the best case arrangements in case something were to happen to you while your X has any “parental rights” to your daughter in case something did happen. I pray to God that you live and are well at least until your child is grown and can see this man for what he is.
Hello my friends,
I am having a few tough weeks. I am overwhelmed with feelings of past happiness and am having a terrible time with it. I keep reminding myself that it was an illusion, so how can I want it back. I really do not want it back, but I keep on remembering my happy days, and how I felt inside, and I guess that is what I am craving. I actually do not want him back, I want those happy days back. I know that they did not actually exist, because its all fake, but how do we tell our brains that. I was married to him for 20 years, he love bombed me for most of it, till the mask dropped. My life as I knew it vanished.My children then 12 and 16 were devastated. I can honestly say that I was very lucky, my kids are with me, and they want nothing to do with the spath, they are now 19 and 15 and they are wonderful, beside the legal chit and the fact that the spath and his new girlfriend have come out of the woodwork, my kids and I are happy. Then why do I cry about my past, why am I feeling so lonely ? Why, why, why, should I not be over him ? I think sometimes I am inpatient with myself, and get upset with myself when I find myself thinking about him. I know I am addicted to him, but will never admit it to anyone, only to you my friends.Not sure what he did not me, but the man I married (who is actually fake), I miss him. How do I wrap my head around the insanity of it all ? I actually was jealous of the fact that the new women might feel some of the happiness that I once felt….how crazy is that ? I have had no contact for 2 years, and my kids now 19 and 15 have not seen him for over 2 years. Sometimes I think I am making progress and then I find myself thinking about him …..I hate that. Is this normal ? Some days are better than others. It feels like when I stopped smoking….I kept on thinking about the cigarettes constantly, even though I never smoked again. and its been 10 years. Will the craving go away. How can we be so addicted to the evil ?
Survivor Lady,
forgive me if I’m overstepping my bounds, but your post sounds to me like you have serious work to do on yourself. He saw a hole in you and plugged it. When he pulled the plug, you felt empty. you need to find that hole, what caused it and what should REALLY be filling it.
For me, finding out about my spath after 25 years, immediately revealed to me that my upbringing created a hole in me. That hole was to serve others in order to receive love. That hole was that I should be responsible so that others could live happily and without responsiblity. That hole was a need to be a scape goat. I still have that hole. But I’m working on it.
Try to find the hole by detemining what needs he filled for you. Remember the feelings and let them inform you. Was there shame or pride about anything? Look at the details of your life the way your read the details of other’s posts here on LF. Those details are the keys to your hooks.
I’m not saying that finding your hooks/holes will fill them, but I think it is a start: understanding yourself.
Well, that is the step I’m at and I don’t know for sure what the next step will be. (((I hope this has helped.)))
Dear Survivorlady,
(((Hugs)))) Yea, I know what you mean about the stopping cigarettes and the “missing him” as well….and YEA it will get better.
Keep in mind that YOUR feelings were REAL, his were the fake ones, and yes, you were HAPPY because you believed him, and you were happy because you thought he loved you….and it is sad now…but we have to learn that our “happiness” must not depend on some one else. It must depend on ourselves. Then NO one can take away that happiness.
We can’t make ourselves “be happy” and we can’t “chase down” happiness but we can give ourselves PLEASURE—find something you enjoy doing, and DO IT. Give yourself some pleasure even something simple like a wonderful hot bath, or an ice cream sundae, that pleasure will add up with other pleasures and you will eventually BUILD HAPPINESS. Happiness is built out of little slivers of pleasure just like a house is built out of individual pieces of stone and wood….build your house of happiness! One piece at a time! ((((hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Survivor:
Both cigarettes AND spaths are very bad for our health. And we are well rid of them.
Maybe spend some time reading other spath survivor’s stories here. I know that is what helps me in dealing with the aftermath of my dear R’s ex spath. We share a teenage son with her. She’s a nightmare.
You can do this, dear lady! Treat yourself, as Oxy suggested. And come here, and VENT. It is good for the soul!! ((((hugs))))
Dear Skylar, you are so correct. He found a hole and immediatly plugged in. My life was around my kids and him. I was the best I could be, when I took my vows I meant it. So when he left, I actually did not know what happened. My parents taught me to really take care of people and unconditional love. And I was ok with that, seeing smiles and making my family happy made me happy. To actually sit back and assess the damage and to understand how close the evil was is overwhelming in many ways.
Dear Ox, you are so correct, we need to make ourselves whole again, no one can do it but ourselves. And I understand that but the hurt sometimes can be consuming. During the day, no one can tell how hurt I am inside, and even my kids see me as a strong women, but at night when no one is around, the tears come down. I just needed to hear that it will get better, that the wound in my chest will eventually heal, the scar will always be there but it will heal.
You are all so helpful. God Bless.
survivorlady –
Two years after the Superspath, I still didn’t believe that the pain would ever stop. I didn’t want to kill myself but I just didn’t want to live anymore either – it hurt too much.
Four years after the Superspath, I can’t believe it took me so long to cut the cord from my heart to where I had thought his was. It only ever had one end fastened – my end!
The end that I had thought was connected to him wasn’t, because he wasn’t even real. He was a wispy vaccuum of smoke; a hologram; a reflection in a mirror; a wraith. I was never really tied to anything. Once I realised that, I was able to get sane again.
It will pass for you too. Time and patience. xx