UPDATED FOR 2024: Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Chelsea.”
Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man!
My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was flirting with me and I was growing impatient by his rather obnoxious behavior. But his friend seemed to be pleasant and rather calm, so we began to chat.
He seemed so kind and was so interested in learning about me. At the time, I was going through a divorce and had just gotten full custody of my son. I spoke a little bit about my ex-husband, explaining that he had suffered from prescription drug addiction, and unfortunately that was what ended our marriage. He began to share his past, and how he had gone through a divorce, and he too was a single parent with one child. We shared some more about our ex’s and it seem that he really showed a lot of compassion for what I was going through, and that he felt we shared a lot in common.
He knew actually what to say to make me feel like I deserved a great man in my life. He complimented me a lot through the conversation. Letting me know that I was very pretty, and what a great personality I had. Finally he asked me for my number, which normally I would never give out to a total stranger, but there was something about him that made me comfortable enough to trust him.
First date
A couple days later he called me and wanted to take me out that night, but I could not go out that night so we agreed to meet the following night. We decided to meet at a restaurant in my neighborhood. When I arrived he had one long stem rose for me and a very charming smile. He was very much a gentlemen and made sure to open the door for me, as well as compliment how beautiful he thought I looked. He continued to charm me through the whole dinner. He just seemed to understand everything, and we seemed to share so many of the same things.
By the end of the night he gracefully walked me to my car and asked politely for a goodnight kiss. We shared a romantic kiss and he asked to see me again. Of course I agreed. How could I not? He charmed me all night at dinner.
By the next morning I already received a call from him, and he said he had such a wonderful time with me and he wanted to take me out the next night. He showed up at my home this time to pick me up as he had wonderful dinner plans. He arrived again with another long stem rose in hand and stood in front of my home like a prince charming. Opening the door and once again complimenting me on how beautiful he thought I was. He took me to a very expensive oceanfront restaurant and we shared another amazing night. From that night on, I was in for what was the longest roller coaster ride of my life.
Courtship begins
He called me every day, and wanted me with him all the time. He took me on expensive vacations and outings. He told me how important family and kids were, which is what I told him the first night I met him. Oh yeah, and I also told him how I was against drugs and he told me he was very much anti-drug too. Everything I wanted in life, he made sure to tell me that is exactly what he wanted in life.
He wanted to show me off to his friends almost immediately, which made me feel on top of the world. He called me all the time, all day long, just to tell me he missed me when we were not together. Within a month he told me he was in love with me and ask me to be his girlfriend. Of course I accepted, how could I not? He was such a romantic, charming man, who seemed to be everything I could ask for in a man.
When we began our official courtship, he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I was a little hesitant to introduce our kids to one another, as we had only been dating for a short time, but he insisted we needed to meet each other’s children. My son was 13, and his daughter had just turned 7 years old. The day came and he surprised me and brought his daughter to meet me. She was a little timid at first, but within a short time she and I began such an amazing bond together. As for my son, he finally met him and my SP ex acted like the coolest guy to my son. I thought, wow, this is going to work out great.
For the first few months together, there was nothing he would not do for me. He was always so assertive, kind, romantic, and loving. Then I started to meet more of his friends and everything seemed okay, but I noticed everything we did revolved around his plans only.
The exes
I started asking more about his past relationships, and he told me he had a toxic ex-wife, and that his last girlfriend was crazy. That he had to run away from them because they were both crazy. I thought to myself, gosh how could anyone dislike him; he so great. He also told me how jealous his past ex’s were, and that had it not been for him, they would have had nothing. That he gave his home to his ex-wife so that their daughter would not have to move. That he gave everything to his ex-wife when they divorced, because that’s what a real man would do for his family.
As for his ex-girlfriend just before me, he gave her money and paid for everything and she still treated him bad. That he had to change the locks on the door because she would break in and destroy stuff. That his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his daughter. I could not understand how these women could treat him this way. He also shared that his real mom was a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 5 years old. That his father raised him, and when he was 8 years old, his father remarried. He said his stepmom was mean to him and she only cared about her own kids. I felt so sorry for him. This poor guy just wanted someone to love him. So I was determined to give him all the love he deserved.
For the next 5 1/2 years, I dedicated my entire being to this man. I realize I sold my soul to the devil.
Nothing but lies
Everything he told me was nothing but lies. Not only was he lying about his past relationships, he also was lying about being anti-drug. He claimed that he was a very dedicated Catholic, but yet he lied, cheated, used and stole from people’s lives. He also had a secret relationship with his cousin for many years before I met him.
He threatened his ex-wife during their divorce that if she did not give him money, cars, and half of everything he was going to destroy her life. He had NO compassion for what their daughter had to go through, who was only 5 years old at the time. He always told me his daughter was his life, but I learned later on that before I was a part of his life he was always dropping his daughter off with his stepmom when it was his weekend to have her. Remember this was the stepmom who he said treated him terrible as a child, but she was okay to take care of his daughter. He never paid his child support on time and owed his ex tons of back support, which he denied.
Furthermore, this was a man who became extremely jealous, controlling, obsessed, and then verbally, emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically abusive. All the qualities that he NEVER showed when we first courted. Worst of all, he has absolutely no remorse for the pain he causes. He actually turns it around and makes you believe that it was you.
Staying home
Before I met him, I had a home, a good amount of money in the bank (financial security), good credit, nice car, lots of friends, confidence, self-esteem, healthy and a positive outlook on life. Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am almost homeless, jobless (because he convinced me that I needed to stay home and be a stepmom to his daughter), because his job required him go to night shift and then out of town, so he needed me to take care of her for him. Also my brother suffered a brain injury and my ex told me that we need to take care of family and I need to take care of my brother too. But that he would take care of the finances and make sure everything was paid for each month.
I had never been without a job, but the last year of our relationship, his ex was taking him back to court for back monies owed and custody and he needed the courts to see he could take care of her. So he convinced me to quit working and take care of his daughter and my brother, that I was a blessing to him, his daughter, and my brother. That me taking care of the family, home, animals, and all other necessary things he needed was more than a job in itself.
Calling every day
He would call me every day when he was out of town, wanting to know what I was doing, who was I talking to, who was I with, and what was I doing every minute of the day. Knowing that I was at home taking care of his daughter, my disabled brother, and the home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, as he said my responsibility is in the home. But he would be out of town hanging out in the bars, then calling me hours later drunk. He would tell me I had no right being mad, as he was working day and night to support me. That I should be kissing the ground he walked on for even taking care of the home.
When I would ask for the money to pay the bills he would tell me I had to wait, and then the bills would be behind with shut off notices. He would verbally abuse me, and tell me if I complained he would stop paying for everything and I would be homeless with my retarded brother (he called him), and my shitty son, and the family pets. That he did not have to pay for anything, and could save his money as he lives for free out of town because the company pays all his expenses. That he did not even have to come in town at all.
Then he started disappearing at night when he was out of town and if I questioned him were he was at he attacked me. But, he had to know everything and everywhere I was. If I did not answer the phone when he called, he would verbally abuse me and accuse me of cheating on him. I had to bring the phone with me in the shower just in case he called. He would yell at his daughter and tell her she does not have a voice. When I would try and protect her, he would tell me in a loud voice “you better shut your mouth little girl,” and I am 41 years old.
I was walking on pins and needles. My health has been majorly affected by his abuse. I feel numb, empty, and lost inside. I finally could not allow the threats and abuse from him anymore, so I stood up to him and he then started being physical. He had been physical in the past but said he would never do that again. But once I started standing up to him, he got worse.
Christmas
On Christmas Eve of 2010, he came home and treated me poorly and when I finally broke down in tears, he laughed at me and said, “Stop with the damn tears.” Even though I worked so hard to please him, and decorated the whole house by myself for Christmas, shopped so I could cook a wonderful dinner, he did not even care. My son did not want to be around him, so he left. Then my ex told me I will regret everything I am doing and NOBODY loves you, in fact I would be better off dead because no one would miss me. My heart was completely shattered.
My son was resentful against me for being with my ex; my brother went to my mother’s house for Christmas. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family how bad it was, because they saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. So my ex continued to mentally and emotionally abuse me on Christmas Eve to the point that I was crying my heart out and begging him to stop. But he just kept telling me to go kill myself, as that would be a great Christmas gift to everyone. He then left and went out with his friends drinking all night.
I actually took my son’s car in the drive way and considered driving off the nearest canyon. I thought, I lost my life to the devil, and maybe he is right—I wouldn’t be good for anyone now. I have no money, no job, bad credit now, no medical insurance anymore (I had to give that up to because he did not pay for it like he said he would), my health was/is bad from the stress, I am now emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually bankrupted.
No more
I finally told him that I would rather be homeless then to spend another day feeling soul-less because of him. He told me he would take everything from the home and not pay one dime for the rent. When he went back out of town for work—he only came home on weekends anyway—I packed up all of his belongings and put them in the garage. I placed a lock on my bedroom door and told him to come get his stuff, that he was no longer allowed to abuse me anymore.
He threatened that he would not move, that I should move out if I am unhappy. I told him no—I have already lost too much and I am not going to lose anymore. He threatened to call the property management and tell them I was unemployed and had no means to pay the rent. Oh yeah, by the way, it was my good credit at the time that got us qualified for the home. I told him to go right ahead and tell them anything you wanted and if they don’t let me stay I will have to move, but I will not let him hurt me anymore.
When he arrived the following weekend he came into the home and saw that I was serious and moved his stuff into the garage and then he threw me up against the wall and threatened me. I ran from him and called the police and they came out but he had left before they arrived. Sadly, they told me since I was not bleeding or had any broken bones they could not do anything. He called me later that night and left a message telling me he would be back tomorrow to take everything from our home.
Packed up
He never showed up and I had to call his parents and tell them he never showed. His stepmother told his father and his father told him to stop fighting and get your stuff out. He told his father that I was an alcoholic and abusing him. His father tries to pretend like his son does no wrong and always supports his behavior — denial! He eventually showed up and started to pack but continued to verbally abuse me. It was hard, but I just ignored him and tried not to react to any of his abuse. He also told me that he is glad to get away from me, that I am evil and now he has a nice new younger girl who appreciates him. As hurtful as it was I just responded with, “God Bless her.”
He then stopped packing and said he would be back another day to move. He went back out of town and while he was gone I opened up the POD, which is a moving box, and placed all the rest of his stuff in it. Then I had his classic car, that just sat in out in our backyard, towed to his parents. When he found out, he called and left a message stating he was going to call the police on me for touching his stuff. I never responded, but I did tell his stepmother, and she said, “good for you.” She knows who he is, and she is glad he is out of my life.
Sadly, he does not like his stepmother, nor does he have much of a relationship with any of his sisters. His ex-wife said she was in therapy for nearly 4 years after their divorce, trying to figure out what was wrong with her that he treated her so bad. It’s been 7 years since their divorce and she still struggles emotionally from what he did to her.
It’s been 2 months since he has been out of my life and I struggle every day, trying to stay above water with all my responsibilities. I don’t know day to day if I will have money to support my brother, son and our dogs, but for the grace of god I have managed so far.
New girlfriend
As for my ex SP, he finally actually told the truth for once in his life—he does have a new girlfriend up were he works. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. She happens to be the bartender were he has been drinking for the past year and half. She is going through a divorce and has two small kids. I heard he has been spending a lot of money on her. Apparently, he is a very charming man and will do anything for her and her kids. Does this sound familiar?
The only difference is, she has two kids, she likes to party, and he is in a town were no one knows his past. Sadly, she has a record of drunk driving and reckless driving, and she is a young mother. He may be able to con her a lot more, or maybe not! Scary thing is, he is extremely jealous and she works at a bar — could this be more dangerous for her?
I felt I needed to warn her of who he is, so I contacted her at the bar and she answered. I was very polite and told her that the man she is with is not who he claims to be. She needs to be very careful. That he has damaged many lives, and this has been his pattern with relationships. That I worry for her and her kids. She obviously is lost in the honeymoon stage as her response was, “Sorry Sweetie I am at work and cannot talk, but thanks for the call Sweetheart.” You can’t say I did not try!
SP’s find out any struggles you may have, and what your likes and desires are, and they build on that. Just like when I met him, I was the newly divorced single mother. What I thought was a charming man, was clearly a man searching for his new prey and I took the bait.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 23, 2011.
Sociopaths and sexually explicit photos
What is so frightening, is how typical this man sounds, as far as sociopaths go. Its like they all read it in a manual, “How to be the perfect Sociopath!”
They are adept. I found my self , Chelsea, making the same contact with my ex sp too, warning her, telling her to be very careful, this man will hurt her. She laughed at me, and told him that his crazy “ex friend” was warning her to stay away from him.
I saw myself in your shoes the day you called his new 27 year old bar maid girlfriend. Sociopaths, for having no emotions, really love to create them don’t they? Its always Drama time . They are the Drama addicts. Life was so peaceful and joyful again, after I flushed them out of my system. NO CONTACT. Love it. You win, I win, They lose.
They wreak of drama and madness from beginning to end. Its hard to believe they do not love , in fact, its like hate.
Its like revenge on every woman they ever hated, taken out on their victim.
Now you know the way they bait, you can realize the next time you’re being set up. Regular normal guys don’t show up with roses, and call you all day and arent’ trying to learn everything about you, and aren’t that nice on a continual basis until they “hook” you and reel you in. ( and then, its too late )
Well, nothing is “too late” . God works miracles and we learn lessons , and if we live through them, we gain more , are educated better, and never are blind like that again. protect yourself, protect your children.
I know God will continue to bless you Chelsea, and things will get better for you.
Dear Bubblewrap, Yep, they do read from the “psychopath’s perfect play book” at least that is what I joked on here about until I actually read one that I thought sounded like the REAL BOOK, I did a Book Review here on it, “The 48 Laws of Power” and it reads just like the PP’s play book….scary how much it reads like it.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/12/29/book-review-the-48-laws-of-power/
LOL at Evas comment “I also felt guilty at the beginning because i abandoned him quickly after discovering his “peculiarity” is called psychopathy.”
Hi Chelsea, Sorry to hear about your story. The word “familiarity” springs to mind. I too would rather be homeless than soulless and I lost my home in the process but regained my sanity ! In the final phase of the relationship when I booted Mr Dark Soul out staying at my place for free for about 3 months after giving me some sob story about how he had “left his wife” for me I realised it was only a matter of time before the rest of the lies unfolded. The cheeky bar steward even had the cheek to think I was going to let him stay there another few months even though I had decided to end the relationship and made some excuse about not being able to pick up his stuff. When he did finally arrive he took everything including a packet of half eaten box of frosties and left a pile of bills. I remember saying to him what kind of a stingy bar steward takes a half eaten box of frosties !
Goodness knows how many debts he left for his poor wife and everyone else to clean up as they were dropping through the letter box for months after. As for him moving on I found a baby on his facebook a few months later so he either had another woman on the go whilst he was with me or did it to just p*ss me off and hurt me in the hope I would contact him and ask him who the hell the baby was. I didn’t bite.
We all feel responsbible for the other victims but the chances are if we tell them they wont listen. This article about the psychopath relationships circle by Sandra brown explains why
http://www.darksouls-thebook.com/off-the-radar.html
After clearing up the emoational mess I am now left with the biggest Financially mess ever and I am nearly 50. The strains put on me as a result of what happened I couldn’t even go there but I am strong.
However theres an expression “Fake it till you make it” and these predators are perfect fakers. So why not take a leaf out of their book when it comes to your own recovery. Get support and help but… My advice to anyone recovering is to never let THEM the predadator know you are hurting and where possible let them think you have moved on with your life as if they never existed in the first place.
To be fair to Sarah, the book “Dark Souls is not by Sandra Brown, it is by Sarah Strudwick.
I just thought it may cause some confusion if someone was trying to order it online.I have the book, and its very good!
GemX
@Flog Em thanks for the message 😉 sorry for the confusion as yes noordinary is me Sarah. I wasn’t plugging my book I was referring to Sandra Browns excellent article on the psychopathic ralationship but thankyou for the nice compliment ! much love x
survivorlady,
When I read your story – what jumps out at me is that one day, you’re happily married, then within a short period of time (unexpectedly), boom, you’re not – you’re dealing with a STRANGER, not being able to wrap your brain around it. Your whole person was shocked (traumatized) by the discovery that your loving, devoted husband was a character actor (acting out a part). I know what you’re going through. I think that you might still be shell-shocked because your discovery came so suddenly – you weren’t prepared for it. Years can go by, still being amazed (and floored) by what transpired. All I can say is that I know it’s hard – my marriage is over, still finding it hard some days, just being overwhelmed by everything, not understanding how people can be like this (even though I know what kind of a person I’m dealing with).
Noordinary,
i suppose it sounds funny but imagine the face expression i got when i finally found serious information about this disorder (not emotional vampires, big pigs, mysoginism, etc.). I read Clerckey and Hare and i recognized the bug.
First i had read Hugo Marietan but, despite he’s a great specialist in psychopathy i didn’t get it because he’s more interested in the partners that accept these asymetrical relationships, and as i had not endured so much as regrettably some people do i was not able of recognizing the bug completely.
And finally i read my fellow country Vicente Garrido Genovés, and i saw the bugs are well known by the specialists everywhere.
It was very shocking because i, like so many people, related psychopathy with criminality. I had no idea about daily psychopaths, the ones that are everywhere among us.
To Chelsea,
His new girlfriend did not give you the time to tell on him cause he already gave her an earfull about you.
And, I believe he picked her because she drinks. This already gives him grounds to discredit her when she eventually speaks out about him.
Survivorlady,
yes that is exactly how I was trained by my parents. All my happiness comes from seeing others happy. It seems like a good way to be UNTIL WE MEET A SPATH. Then life becomes hell because they can never be happy. Although, they DO get pleasure from our pain !!
I’m so sorry that happened to you but I’m glad that you have wonderful children. That is a blessing and proof that God loves you. I like to think of it as God’s love when we have a hard lesson to learn. after all, all learning is hard, right? But I do keep praying to Him for mercy and to make my lessons easier.
Survivorlady, I’m very slowly learning to take pleasure in my own power and happiness. It isn’t as black and white as it may appear. Practice being selfish. There is a “good” type of selfishness. I read about it in an old book called “the art of selfishness”. I highly recommend it to you because of your over the top selfLESSness. You may never be able to get over your generous and giving nature (I haven’t yet but hope to) but at least be cognizant of this and understand that it is a weakness. So find a way to use it as your STRENGTH.
Hi to all you wonderful souls who have reached out to my story, THANK YOU! Although, I have to struggled daily to support my disabled brother, my son, my animals, and all the financial debts, I have managed to get through a day at a time. I am unabled to obtain empoyment right now because my brother’s disabilities warranted 24 hour care. Unfortunately, he does not qualify for any recovery care in an in-house center. My immediate family has given up helping with him, as they say “Hey there is nothing I can do for him”, yet if I had not taken him into my home he would of ended up in a shelter. Sadly he is the most giving and compassinate man who would give his life for his family, but our family does not even give him the time of day. So at this point I have to just trust God they he will help me stay strong and trust faith that we will be okay. As for my ex-SP, I hear his new girlfriend is just head over hills for him. Her words “I am just one incredible spoiled girl these days, and a girl can get used to this”. SICK, as I remember feeling the same way at the beginning. I do have those fog moments where I think “Wow maybe he will change for her and be this true amazing guy”? I look at the advantages he has with this one, which is, he lives out of town where noone knows him, he makes lots of money, and he is safe from anyone who knows him could expose him. Such as, his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, his step-mother, his daughter etc. With me, I was in constant contact with people who could and did expose him. Now his new girl has 100 % of his time with no interruptions. Will he be exceptionally better to her? I don’t know, but I do know he lives a lie everyday and that can not be happiness! As the Serenity Prayer states “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the SP), the courage the change the things I can (My life), and the wisdom to know the difference!