UPDATED FOR 2024: Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Chelsea.”
Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man!
My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was flirting with me and I was growing impatient by his rather obnoxious behavior. But his friend seemed to be pleasant and rather calm, so we began to chat.
He seemed so kind and was so interested in learning about me. At the time, I was going through a divorce and had just gotten full custody of my son. I spoke a little bit about my ex-husband, explaining that he had suffered from prescription drug addiction, and unfortunately that was what ended our marriage. He began to share his past, and how he had gone through a divorce, and he too was a single parent with one child. We shared some more about our ex’s and it seem that he really showed a lot of compassion for what I was going through, and that he felt we shared a lot in common.
He knew actually what to say to make me feel like I deserved a great man in my life. He complimented me a lot through the conversation. Letting me know that I was very pretty, and what a great personality I had. Finally he asked me for my number, which normally I would never give out to a total stranger, but there was something about him that made me comfortable enough to trust him.
First date
A couple days later he called me and wanted to take me out that night, but I could not go out that night so we agreed to meet the following night. We decided to meet at a restaurant in my neighborhood. When I arrived he had one long stem rose for me and a very charming smile. He was very much a gentlemen and made sure to open the door for me, as well as compliment how beautiful he thought I looked. He continued to charm me through the whole dinner. He just seemed to understand everything, and we seemed to share so many of the same things.
By the end of the night he gracefully walked me to my car and asked politely for a goodnight kiss. We shared a romantic kiss and he asked to see me again. Of course I agreed. How could I not? He charmed me all night at dinner.
By the next morning I already received a call from him, and he said he had such a wonderful time with me and he wanted to take me out the next night. He showed up at my home this time to pick me up as he had wonderful dinner plans. He arrived again with another long stem rose in hand and stood in front of my home like a prince charming. Opening the door and once again complimenting me on how beautiful he thought I was. He took me to a very expensive oceanfront restaurant and we shared another amazing night. From that night on, I was in for what was the longest roller coaster ride of my life.
Courtship begins
He called me every day, and wanted me with him all the time. He took me on expensive vacations and outings. He told me how important family and kids were, which is what I told him the first night I met him. Oh yeah, and I also told him how I was against drugs and he told me he was very much anti-drug too. Everything I wanted in life, he made sure to tell me that is exactly what he wanted in life.
He wanted to show me off to his friends almost immediately, which made me feel on top of the world. He called me all the time, all day long, just to tell me he missed me when we were not together. Within a month he told me he was in love with me and ask me to be his girlfriend. Of course I accepted, how could I not? He was such a romantic, charming man, who seemed to be everything I could ask for in a man.
When we began our official courtship, he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I was a little hesitant to introduce our kids to one another, as we had only been dating for a short time, but he insisted we needed to meet each other’s children. My son was 13, and his daughter had just turned 7 years old. The day came and he surprised me and brought his daughter to meet me. She was a little timid at first, but within a short time she and I began such an amazing bond together. As for my son, he finally met him and my SP ex acted like the coolest guy to my son. I thought, wow, this is going to work out great.
For the first few months together, there was nothing he would not do for me. He was always so assertive, kind, romantic, and loving. Then I started to meet more of his friends and everything seemed okay, but I noticed everything we did revolved around his plans only.
The exes
I started asking more about his past relationships, and he told me he had a toxic ex-wife, and that his last girlfriend was crazy. That he had to run away from them because they were both crazy. I thought to myself, gosh how could anyone dislike him; he so great. He also told me how jealous his past ex’s were, and that had it not been for him, they would have had nothing. That he gave his home to his ex-wife so that their daughter would not have to move. That he gave everything to his ex-wife when they divorced, because that’s what a real man would do for his family.
As for his ex-girlfriend just before me, he gave her money and paid for everything and she still treated him bad. That he had to change the locks on the door because she would break in and destroy stuff. That his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his daughter. I could not understand how these women could treat him this way. He also shared that his real mom was a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 5 years old. That his father raised him, and when he was 8 years old, his father remarried. He said his stepmom was mean to him and she only cared about her own kids. I felt so sorry for him. This poor guy just wanted someone to love him. So I was determined to give him all the love he deserved.
For the next 5 1/2 years, I dedicated my entire being to this man. I realize I sold my soul to the devil.
Nothing but lies
Everything he told me was nothing but lies. Not only was he lying about his past relationships, he also was lying about being anti-drug. He claimed that he was a very dedicated Catholic, but yet he lied, cheated, used and stole from people’s lives. He also had a secret relationship with his cousin for many years before I met him.
He threatened his ex-wife during their divorce that if she did not give him money, cars, and half of everything he was going to destroy her life. He had NO compassion for what their daughter had to go through, who was only 5 years old at the time. He always told me his daughter was his life, but I learned later on that before I was a part of his life he was always dropping his daughter off with his stepmom when it was his weekend to have her. Remember this was the stepmom who he said treated him terrible as a child, but she was okay to take care of his daughter. He never paid his child support on time and owed his ex tons of back support, which he denied.
Furthermore, this was a man who became extremely jealous, controlling, obsessed, and then verbally, emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically abusive. All the qualities that he NEVER showed when we first courted. Worst of all, he has absolutely no remorse for the pain he causes. He actually turns it around and makes you believe that it was you.
Staying home
Before I met him, I had a home, a good amount of money in the bank (financial security), good credit, nice car, lots of friends, confidence, self-esteem, healthy and a positive outlook on life. Now, 5 1/2 years later, I am almost homeless, jobless (because he convinced me that I needed to stay home and be a stepmom to his daughter), because his job required him go to night shift and then out of town, so he needed me to take care of her for him. Also my brother suffered a brain injury and my ex told me that we need to take care of family and I need to take care of my brother too. But that he would take care of the finances and make sure everything was paid for each month.
I had never been without a job, but the last year of our relationship, his ex was taking him back to court for back monies owed and custody and he needed the courts to see he could take care of her. So he convinced me to quit working and take care of his daughter and my brother, that I was a blessing to him, his daughter, and my brother. That me taking care of the family, home, animals, and all other necessary things he needed was more than a job in itself.
Calling every day
He would call me every day when he was out of town, wanting to know what I was doing, who was I talking to, who was I with, and what was I doing every minute of the day. Knowing that I was at home taking care of his daughter, my disabled brother, and the home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, as he said my responsibility is in the home. But he would be out of town hanging out in the bars, then calling me hours later drunk. He would tell me I had no right being mad, as he was working day and night to support me. That I should be kissing the ground he walked on for even taking care of the home.
When I would ask for the money to pay the bills he would tell me I had to wait, and then the bills would be behind with shut off notices. He would verbally abuse me, and tell me if I complained he would stop paying for everything and I would be homeless with my retarded brother (he called him), and my shitty son, and the family pets. That he did not have to pay for anything, and could save his money as he lives for free out of town because the company pays all his expenses. That he did not even have to come in town at all.
Then he started disappearing at night when he was out of town and if I questioned him were he was at he attacked me. But, he had to know everything and everywhere I was. If I did not answer the phone when he called, he would verbally abuse me and accuse me of cheating on him. I had to bring the phone with me in the shower just in case he called. He would yell at his daughter and tell her she does not have a voice. When I would try and protect her, he would tell me in a loud voice “you better shut your mouth little girl,” and I am 41 years old.
I was walking on pins and needles. My health has been majorly affected by his abuse. I feel numb, empty, and lost inside. I finally could not allow the threats and abuse from him anymore, so I stood up to him and he then started being physical. He had been physical in the past but said he would never do that again. But once I started standing up to him, he got worse.
Christmas
On Christmas Eve of 2010, he came home and treated me poorly and when I finally broke down in tears, he laughed at me and said, “Stop with the damn tears.” Even though I worked so hard to please him, and decorated the whole house by myself for Christmas, shopped so I could cook a wonderful dinner, he did not even care. My son did not want to be around him, so he left. Then my ex told me I will regret everything I am doing and NOBODY loves you, in fact I would be better off dead because no one would miss me. My heart was completely shattered.
My son was resentful against me for being with my ex; my brother went to my mother’s house for Christmas. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family how bad it was, because they saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. So my ex continued to mentally and emotionally abuse me on Christmas Eve to the point that I was crying my heart out and begging him to stop. But he just kept telling me to go kill myself, as that would be a great Christmas gift to everyone. He then left and went out with his friends drinking all night.
I actually took my son’s car in the drive way and considered driving off the nearest canyon. I thought, I lost my life to the devil, and maybe he is right—I wouldn’t be good for anyone now. I have no money, no job, bad credit now, no medical insurance anymore (I had to give that up to because he did not pay for it like he said he would), my health was/is bad from the stress, I am now emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually bankrupted.
No more
I finally told him that I would rather be homeless then to spend another day feeling soul-less because of him. He told me he would take everything from the home and not pay one dime for the rent. When he went back out of town for work—he only came home on weekends anyway—I packed up all of his belongings and put them in the garage. I placed a lock on my bedroom door and told him to come get his stuff, that he was no longer allowed to abuse me anymore.
He threatened that he would not move, that I should move out if I am unhappy. I told him no—I have already lost too much and I am not going to lose anymore. He threatened to call the property management and tell them I was unemployed and had no means to pay the rent. Oh yeah, by the way, it was my good credit at the time that got us qualified for the home. I told him to go right ahead and tell them anything you wanted and if they don’t let me stay I will have to move, but I will not let him hurt me anymore.
When he arrived the following weekend he came into the home and saw that I was serious and moved his stuff into the garage and then he threw me up against the wall and threatened me. I ran from him and called the police and they came out but he had left before they arrived. Sadly, they told me since I was not bleeding or had any broken bones they could not do anything. He called me later that night and left a message telling me he would be back tomorrow to take everything from our home.
Packed up
He never showed up and I had to call his parents and tell them he never showed. His stepmother told his father and his father told him to stop fighting and get your stuff out. He told his father that I was an alcoholic and abusing him. His father tries to pretend like his son does no wrong and always supports his behavior — denial! He eventually showed up and started to pack but continued to verbally abuse me. It was hard, but I just ignored him and tried not to react to any of his abuse. He also told me that he is glad to get away from me, that I am evil and now he has a nice new younger girl who appreciates him. As hurtful as it was I just responded with, “God Bless her.”
He then stopped packing and said he would be back another day to move. He went back out of town and while he was gone I opened up the POD, which is a moving box, and placed all the rest of his stuff in it. Then I had his classic car, that just sat in out in our backyard, towed to his parents. When he found out, he called and left a message stating he was going to call the police on me for touching his stuff. I never responded, but I did tell his stepmother, and she said, “good for you.” She knows who he is, and she is glad he is out of my life.
Sadly, he does not like his stepmother, nor does he have much of a relationship with any of his sisters. His ex-wife said she was in therapy for nearly 4 years after their divorce, trying to figure out what was wrong with her that he treated her so bad. It’s been 7 years since their divorce and she still struggles emotionally from what he did to her.
It’s been 2 months since he has been out of my life and I struggle every day, trying to stay above water with all my responsibilities. I don’t know day to day if I will have money to support my brother, son and our dogs, but for the grace of god I have managed so far.
New girlfriend
As for my ex SP, he finally actually told the truth for once in his life—he does have a new girlfriend up were he works. She is 27 years old and he is 47 years old. She happens to be the bartender were he has been drinking for the past year and half. She is going through a divorce and has two small kids. I heard he has been spending a lot of money on her. Apparently, he is a very charming man and will do anything for her and her kids. Does this sound familiar?
The only difference is, she has two kids, she likes to party, and he is in a town were no one knows his past. Sadly, she has a record of drunk driving and reckless driving, and she is a young mother. He may be able to con her a lot more, or maybe not! Scary thing is, he is extremely jealous and she works at a bar — could this be more dangerous for her?
I felt I needed to warn her of who he is, so I contacted her at the bar and she answered. I was very polite and told her that the man she is with is not who he claims to be. She needs to be very careful. That he has damaged many lives, and this has been his pattern with relationships. That I worry for her and her kids. She obviously is lost in the honeymoon stage as her response was, “Sorry Sweetie I am at work and cannot talk, but thanks for the call Sweetheart.” You can’t say I did not try!
SP’s find out any struggles you may have, and what your likes and desires are, and they build on that. Just like when I met him, I was the newly divorced single mother. What I thought was a charming man, was clearly a man searching for his new prey and I took the bait.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 23, 2011.
Sociopaths and sexually explicit photos
Hello Chelsea – what a wonderful job you are doing of caring for your brother, son and animals. An inspiration to us all.
You ask ‘Will he be exceptionally better to her?’ the answer is NO, he will not. Spaths never change and in time she will be as miserable as you were (she just doesn’t know it yet!)
Good luck with your ‘new’ (spath free) life.
Chelsea, Candy is right! You deserve a big TOWANDA for the way you are recovering and for your attitude of changing what you can and accepting what you can’t change.
Candy is also right, he will treat “her” the same way he treated you….that is all they CAN do….you are miles ahead of her, you are FREE of him. Even if he housed her in a mansion, you would be happier and better off in a card board box than living with him! I’m so glad you are doing well! I know it is difficult when your “family” is not supportive, but blood relationship doesn’t make us “family” only love can do that, and you and your brother are FAMILY! God bless.
Hello Chelsea, yes you were definitely with a SP! Thank goodness you got out. Just remember to delete those recordings in your head of anything negative he said about you. Those things are FALSE because that’s how these guys roll. I don’t have to know anymore than you wrote to know whatever he said about you as criticism was NOT true. This is a good time to keep repeating good things about yourself to yourself, including you are fine without a man loving you….because you’ve already been without a man loving you because he never did! He is incapable of love.
It seems like you realize all that. Your son is very lucky you are still alive. So is your brother and I hope some of your other family can step up to help him. One hospice worker told me about these situations EVERYONE needs to contribute time or money….their choice, but all need to contribute.
You did your duty to that other woman. Now is the time to put up red stop signs all over the place and anytime you start to think of him, just tell yourself stop, no more free rent in my head.
M. Gallagher has some wonderfully inspiring blogs here at lovefraud, if you click on her name in the categories on the left. I think she found one of the fastest routes to healing, including no contact even in your head, forgiving yourself, and working on creating a wonderful life now.
People who are forced to confront evil like this do have one blessing from it. We emerge with a strength of character most will never achieve. Be determined now to NEVER care what a man or anyone else thinks of you, to care only for what you think of yourself. Be sure of your ethics and your values and be unwilling to waiver on those for any person, any reward, any reason. Then a P can never get to you again.
Best of luck and huge hugs!
robxsykobabe
Don’t know if you will see this, but remember, you can’t win with these guys. NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. Reading your last post, I felt sick for all the drama and intensity you are going through. Why? To prove you can do battle with an emotionally retarded person? To me, that is what a P is only they have access to all kinds of weapons, emotional and actual, which they can use without blinking an eye. And the fact is, even if he ended up in prison for something he’d done, his reaction would probably be something like “Have you noticed how much the other prisoners look up to me? I am such hot shit.” I tell you, YOU CANNOT WIN. But you CAN get out. GET OUT, get him out of your life and seek to achieve emotional sobriety. Good for you for seeing what he is. But anger is not happiness.
Dear Never agan
Your comment about “Have you noticed how much the other prisoners look up to me? I am such hot shit.” that is EXACTLY what my P son (in prison) thinks, he REALLY in truly believes that he is a SUCCESS when iin reality he is nothing but another convict that has been in prison for 20 years. He’s never really had a relationship, or an apartment or home, or a vehicle or a job, never even finished high school, the ONLY “life” he’s had is behind bars but somehow he thinks of himself as a BIG SUCCESS because he is smart (high IQ) but that is NOTHING because he wasted it instead of using it to cure cancer or send a rocket to the moon, he was a BAD THIEF, even an unsuccessful thief (he got caught) and an unsuccessful murderer, he got caught. LOL So what’s so successful about him? Nothing but his ego, it is a big success.
Nuieveragain:
Hi. I have read your post and you are correct. Anger is NOT happiness. Ive done some soul searching about my own self and anger I DO have which is unrelated to him. Im mending this!
I feel the statement you made about not being able to win. I understand much more now what he ‘wanted’. HE WANTED OUT!!! Now, the reason for him wanting out is the ‘retarded’ part, however, I see it.
You see, we are in different leagues. I think Im too much of a woman for him and hes threatened by that. He feels insecure and inadequate in comparison to me and this became PAINFULLY obvious the closer we were to moving in together. He started listening to peoples comments (such as his 40 year old brother who still lives at home who said to him “you know, if you buy a house with her and its in her name she could kick you out at any time…even if you move in with her” IVE NEVER KICKED HIM OUT!) and because he does not have a strong sense of self, he buckled. All this shit about how he overdrew his bank account, and hes feeling vulnerable, and Im not attractive, and Im too skinny, and Ive lost my ‘ass’, ect were all excuses to hide the issue…HE WAS SCARED AND FEELING INSECURE.
Now, what he was insecure about is a different story…It could very well have been the fact that he KNEW his lifestyle he was accustomed to would have to change or that he may have to be uncomfortable for a time. It could have even be even been that being the ‘weekend lover’ was sooooo much easier for HIM than having to be a REAL boyfriend/adult and he didnt think or WANT to do that. I dont really know.
What I do know is that this is HIS problem. I have done some thinking and have begun to acknowledge my attitude and how this impacted his opinion of the ‘living together’ situation. Sure…I get it. I will take responsibility for making it ‘difficult’ at TIMES to be around me…I got that.
I WONT take responsibility for or be made to feel bad about myself because IM HUMAN. I wont beat myself up for the level he went to in order to ‘make me see’ how he felt. THAT is the part that is not ok. And THAT is the game…and because it was a game, I felt crazy as it didnt make sense.
OF COURSE IT DIDNT MAKE SENSE…IT WAS SENSELESS!!! It didnt need to be that way. But it DID have to be that way…because where he functions from is a mean place. He may not be mean on a daily basis, but when HE decides he’s had enough, for whatever reason, the level he goes to to DESTROY someone is relentless…
AND THATS NOT OK.
Ox:
My ex had been in prison for 2 years as well, however, I never got the sense that he felt while locked up that he was any kind of king shit. I will say this though…despite the fact he HAS been locked up (in prison and bootcamp) and has LIED to all his employers about this fact, I believe he feels as though hes a success in his job! When we met and I got the news of this stay in lockup, he said over and over and over and over again “this does not define who I am”. I believe that…what defines who he is is HOW HE TREATS PEOPLE IN TIMES OF CONTROVERSY!
Like your son, my ex has never really had a relationship EXCEPT for with me (and he said time and time again “this is the healthiest relationship Ive ever been in”), all his apartments were BEFORE the age of 30 and he NEVER lived on his own, all the vehicles hes has/had were beater with heaters, and he has a GED. I dont know that Id classify my ex as ‘smart’ as much as Id say ‘clever’, ‘sneaky’, ‘sly’. And HIS mother has said to him “I dont know what it is that you actually have, but I wish you’d use ‘it’ for good instead of evil”.
Like your son as well, what’s so ‘special’ about my ex? Literally…NOTHING. If left unchecked and challenged his ego, also, would fool unsuspecting people into believing in his greatness. However, once you see just how incompetent, immature and insecure he is there really is nothing more to him. He’s relatively bland.
My son is 40 and has been in prison all except about 12 months total since age 17—so his entire life has been IN prison since he became an adult….he is a TOTAL FAILURE as an adult, yet he does not see that, he seems himself as SPECIAL and SMART and SUCCESSFUL–based on NOTHING ***NOTHING*** at all…talk about doesn’t “get it”—for sure.
Your x sounds pretty much the same. He is a failure but doesn’t see it. Won’t accept the truth. LOL(head shaking here, look of utter confusion on my face) Just doesn’t compute. YES IT DOES DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.
Good morning to all you wonderful souls who reach out with your words and support. I am truely grateful for all of your posts. Reading your replys really helps me realize my denial of believing that my ex-SP would change into a deceit human being. You wonder to yourself how could someone just get up everyday and not see the pain they cause others. Furthermore, how do they get away with their lies? A few days ago a friend of mine told me that my ex-SP has been telling people that we broke up because I was a danger to him and his daughter. That I was crazy. I thought I was doing pretty good about not letting his lies get to me, but when I heard that he was slandering me by telling people I was a danger to be around his child just enraged me. This was the first time since our break-up that I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him what a piece of S##t he is. Then I had to stop myself because I realize that everything he says about me, not to mention all his other past relationships is all lies. I know that I was/am still an amazing loving mother and friend to his daughter. I would do anything to love and protect her, and when my ex-SP and I were together he always told people what an amazing step-mother I am to his daughter. But now apparently since we are not together anymore he is telling people I am a danger to her. Funny, because the past 5 1/2 years he had no problem with me taking care of her while he sat around doing nothing. He brags about his new wonderful 27 year old girlfriend (again he is 20 years older then her), how she is an amazing person. It amazes me how fast they replace you and just start a new relationship like you never existed? Scarey, because this new girl lives out of town where he works so there is noone around to expose him. Will he get away with this one? Will his ugly mask be revealed? That’s an answer I am trying to understand. Any words of wisdom from my LF friends????
@….OX,
Hi Ox,
Your blogs of support truely help me get through the day. Somedays I follow your blogs just to keep myself sane. I really appreciate you taking the time each day to give guidance to all of us spath survivors.
I was wondering if you would be willing to exchange e-mail addresses? Would be very healing for me to have more outside people to communicate too. Unfortunately, most of my friends and family don’t understand what it was like to be abused by a spath, so not much support with them.
Thanks again Ox,
You are like a Mag flashlight lighting my way out of a dark hole! HUGGS….. Chelsea