UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader. She learned the hard way how important it is to listen to your inner voice.
When I met my husband, 14 years ago, I owned my own home, had two children, a great job and life was great. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, however, he would not take no for an answer until I went out with him (1st red flag). He presented himself as financially secure, a family man with a daughter, and who told me family is everything . He was very charming and giving to my children and I.
After 5 months of dating, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said that I wasn’t ready to jump into marriage again after being married for 12 years. However, he never let up. He kept saying that I had no idea what a great life we could have together and that all he wanted to do was make me happy and provide a wonderful life for myself and children. We married 7 months later and my life has never been the same.
He changed the very night of our marriage. It was like he flipped a switch — not even consummating our marriage on our wedding night. He immediately got the attitude of “I have you now.” He moved into my house with nothing but a suitcase of his clothes, never even asking me if I wanted anything from his house. He started not wanting to drive to pick up his daughter to see her. Told me he didn’t want to have to go to every family function of his family. He started becoming distant to my children as well.
That was just the beginning of a mountain of lies and deception I started to uncover 9 months into our marriage. I started noticing that any time I asked him a question about anything, he became angry and verbally abusive. When it became time to do our taxes the first year of our marriage, I asked him if he had his own accountant. He said, let’s use yours. So we did. We both sat in front of my accountant and my husband NEVER flinched when asked certain questions. He again was extremely charming, funny and articulate, seeming to be capable of a lot.
Well, a few months later, I received a letter in the mail from the IRS stating they were withholding our refund of $6,000 due to my husband NOT paying his taxes the previous 4 years!! His response to the letter was, “SO!” He used MY interest on my mortgage, my children, my everything as deductions because he NEVER paid his bills, was in serious debt and his house (which he owned with two other people) was going into foreclosure!! I found out it was all a facade. But yet, he kept telling me that I was making more of the situation, that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Oh no, it was much worse.
And here I am, 13 years later, finally getting a divorce because, you see, it is not that easy to get away from a person like this. I went from an outgoing, smart, independent woman to a woman with no self esteem, trust issues and just plain scared. I am ashamed to admit this and believe me, would never, never, have thought this could have happened to me! My story is so much worse and so many other things have happened, that this is just a glimpse into this nightmare. But it has and I am trying to move on with my life to get back to the person I once was.
Please don’t think this could never happen to you. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time (Oprah) and move on. Don’t ever believe it is in your head, as told to me. It is not. Listen to your inner voice. If it just doesn’t feel right, it is NOT. TRUST YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU TRUST ANYONE.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 9, 2012.
3 steps to prevent a sociopath from taking advantage of your vulnerabilities
G1S,
How awful. Terrible what happened to you and your son with the therapists. It is bad enough to deal with the Ps in our life, but to have to deal with the authorities and “experts” (courts, CPS, therapists), and I do mean “authorities” because they have the authority to step in and control parts of our lives — it is so horrible.
So many of them think they know best (well meaning), or they themselves have meddling tendencies (play God) or, worst of all, they are sociopaths themselves and enjoy playing with their Fisher Price Little People (us), creating real-life dramas, spinning people up. What fun.
I don’t know the answer. I’m taking a break from therapy, myself, because ultimately I felt a loss of control there. It was helpful for awhile, in some ways… but I need space in my head, with no one else there, for awhile. You guys are different. 🙂
OK, I have to follow up here: Yes! there are good therapists who truly help, there are good CPS workers who do a very good job, and there are good lawyers, judges, GALs, etc. who really do help the people caught up in the system. I’m not talking about you! I’m talking about the other ones…
One of the situations that we faced was that after my son was returned to me, he told his guidance counselor one day that he wasn’t feeling safe, meaning he was having suicidal thoughts again.
The guidance counselor told him to talk with me about that when I got home from work. The school let out at 2:05 PM and I never got home much before 6 PM, which meant the guidance counselor sent a depressed kid home without any support for at least five hours.
Adding insult to injury, on this very same day and AFTER my son had talked with him, the guidance counselor called me at work to say that my son’s classes were all worked out and he was back in school. Not a peep that my son had talked with him and was feeling unsafe. Nothing.
I didn’t find out about my son telling him anything until I got home that night.
Very concerned, I emailed the school principal asking what the policy was when kids report something like this. At the very least, the parents should be alerted or the kid sent to the school nurse.
The next day, the guidance counselor called me at work. He starts out by yelling at me (no exaggeration) asking who I thought I was going over his head to talk with the principal. If I had a problem with him, I was to call him.
I pushed back. I told him that my son’s safety was my first priority and I was going to do everything within my power to ensure that he stays safe, including assuring myself that there was a school policy on how to handle kids who were going through what I was. I told him that I wouldn’t change anything that I did and I would do it again. I also made sure that he knew that I didn’t care if the counselor’s ego took a hit; he should have made sure that the kid was all right. You could hear that he wasn’t expecting that. He thought he could bully me.
I then let the principal know that the guidance counselor had called me at work and yelled at me because I had spoken to the principal about what he did.
I added that if any harm had come to my son, the town had better believed that I would have sued, but I was sure that wasn’t what the principal or the town wanted. The problem was the guidance counselor.
My therapist thought I handled the situation very well. My son’s therapist thought I should have spoken one-on-one with the guidance counselor and sided with him. I was flabbergasted.
That latter thing I realized came partially from him having a small practice and being a therapist. Large organizations don’t go around having private discussions with employees if something happens. They make sure that there is a policy in place and that everybody understands it.
The other part was this was the beginning of the push-pull that I was going to go through with the therapist for the next nine months or so.
Why didn’t you fire the therapists? During all that time, you were paying them. Under what obligation?
My experience with therapists is that they are good for short term mediation, but when one wants a long term commitment its more about their mortgage payment than the patient’s well being.
The school system is, well its amazing. And so insulated that you can’t sue them pretty much for anything.
The best strategy for working with public schools is to get a legal advocate and go straight to the district’s attorney. The Superintendent will hide behind the attorney and your son should be on an IEP which provokes special education law.
If the District people think you are going to raise hell, they will tell the principal to give you whatever you want.
Obviously that counselor got his butt chewed and for good reason. Did you petition to have your child reassigned to another counselor?
You can file a complaint about the process they use to make their decisions in the education system. but its not an easy one to win. The implied threat actually carries more weight. However, if you can get a judgement from the Office of Civil Rights that the process for dealing with your child was discriminatory, then, you are in position to sue individuals in the school.
In order to go straght to OCR, you need a 504 plan and that requires a medical diagnosis.
You can have an IEP and a 504 at the same time. Don’t let them tell you not.
And you should have both because the 504 has the teeth to keep them in line.
But don’t go to the fight alone. Get a good advocate. One who knows the law. You will be amazed at how fast things turn around at school!
Since there are zero cases of parents winning educational malpractice, you pretty much have to work with what’s there or go somewhere else.
Check for State Chartered Schools. They operate outside the District personnel.
I hear your story. A lot of it sounds familiar.
Remember that is you push back without leverage from a legal position, they will “handle you” as a rhinocerous mom and go on doing what they do.
Get the leverage your child needs you to have. Its in special education and ADAA law.
I did eventually fire both therapists.
However, when the you-know-what was hitting the fan, that wasn’t an option. I stuck with the people who had the front row seats and knew exactly what was going on. I didn’t have the emotional energy to take on anything more than what was absolutely necessary.
Don’t forget that the real issue and catalyst for all these other things was my P sister’s and S mother’s highly coorindated attack against me to gain custody of my son. All this other stuff were side issues.
When my son was hospitalized the second time within 9 months for suicidal ideation, I got a lot of flak over why the therapists, his in particular, didn’t see this coming.
My therapist did a huffy, “What? What? I think we’ve been doing a very good job.” My son’s therapist response was to abandon my son.
And because we weren’t over things that my P sister started, it would have meant going to somebody new to explain the whole thing over again. I just couldn’t do that. I had reached my breaking point.
The client isn’t given the benefit of the doubt. Imagine how I would be regarded if I walked into a new therapist with that tale about the therapists and the outpatient facility? Who would believe me? I’d sound like a lunatic. What was the common factor? Me. Therefore, I had to be the cause, right?
I’ve tried with multiple therapists since. They don’t want to talk with me.
My son has graduated from high school and is doing very well now. He just finished his first year of college with flying colors.
Good for him.
Yeah, its tough.
Everyone wants to point a finger at whoever is having the loudest complaint. It entitles them to keep doing what they are already doing without interruption.
Those therapists sound like a bunch of idiots.
Why you would ever want to talk to another one?
Frankly, most of them should not be in business.
Don’t get me started on coaches who set up to give advice without the benefit of any education or training.
Its all a racket.
And the disordered play the system to the hilt.
Congrats on your son.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/05/dear_prudie_mother_s_day_advice_on_plastic_surgery_gifts_and_poison_.2.html
Check out this link. Go to the last Q&A about POISON.
SPATH!
g1s,
When did your therapist start to mingle? Before your son’s therapist started to move onto you? Or after?
While you say that he never erred to the wrong side of things… he did imo the moment he locked that door and started to move into your body atmosphere at a moment you were VERY vulnerable. That he didn’t force himself on you is typically spathy imo… he wanted you to make the move so you could only blame yourself afterwards. That nothing physical happened is not imo thanks to him knowing right from wrong, but because you didn’t actually chewed on the bait he put out there for you (and he didn’t like that). Yes, your personal therapist made things worse for you with her meddlesome lies and gave him an excuse to point the finger at you. I think you’re giving him too much credit, and too little to yourself in that sick situation. 🙂
Athena,
That is a scary story. I wonder how often that stuff goes on (spaths deliberately poisoning family members).
Darwinsmom,
You’re probably right that I am giving him too much credit. I have such mixed feelings about him still.
I will admit that I could not have been any more vulnerable than I was at that time.
Good question about my therapist. I’m not really sure when they first spoke.
The first time that they spoke, he called her on a Tuesday of a week that he was out of the office on vacation. She and I thought that was very weird.
I had given permission to speak to each other because my objective was for them to coordinate efforts to ensure that my son didn’t become suicidal again.
That could have been while my son was still hospitalized because he was in the hospital for a month and my sister didn’t attack until his last week there.
My therapist told me around then that she had been thinking for a while that we were meant to co-parent my son together, but hadn’t said anything to me because she wanted to see how things were going to develop.
As I mentioned earlier, she told me that her spirit guides had helped her reach that conclusion. I almost walked out when I heard that. That was a huge red flag, but I had so many other things that I was trying to cope with then.
I think she told me this after he locked the door and sat next to me because at that point, my sister had my son, but I could be wrong.
Had they spoken before that happened?
We’re talking a few weeks at most. I don’t remember.
I do know that she told me that she thought psychologists make too much of a big deal about therapists and parents not having relationships. (My son’s therapist was a psychologist.)
She said that therapists aren’t that strict about those things. In other words, she didn’t see it as a boundary issue or causing any problems.
Now that we’re talking about it, that’s a really odd position given her expertise is sexual abuse and she knew that is what I came to her about.
Wow. This just went up another notch in yuckiness.