UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader. She learned the hard way how important it is to listen to your inner voice.
When I met my husband, 14 years ago, I owned my own home, had two children, a great job and life was great. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, however, he would not take no for an answer until I went out with him (1st red flag). He presented himself as financially secure, a family man with a daughter, and who told me family is everything . He was very charming and giving to my children and I.
After 5 months of dating, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said that I wasn’t ready to jump into marriage again after being married for 12 years. However, he never let up. He kept saying that I had no idea what a great life we could have together and that all he wanted to do was make me happy and provide a wonderful life for myself and children. We married 7 months later and my life has never been the same.
He changed the very night of our marriage. It was like he flipped a switch — not even consummating our marriage on our wedding night. He immediately got the attitude of “I have you now.” He moved into my house with nothing but a suitcase of his clothes, never even asking me if I wanted anything from his house. He started not wanting to drive to pick up his daughter to see her. Told me he didn’t want to have to go to every family function of his family. He started becoming distant to my children as well.
That was just the beginning of a mountain of lies and deception I started to uncover 9 months into our marriage. I started noticing that any time I asked him a question about anything, he became angry and verbally abusive. When it became time to do our taxes the first year of our marriage, I asked him if he had his own accountant. He said, let’s use yours. So we did. We both sat in front of my accountant and my husband NEVER flinched when asked certain questions. He again was extremely charming, funny and articulate, seeming to be capable of a lot.
Well, a few months later, I received a letter in the mail from the IRS stating they were withholding our refund of $6,000 due to my husband NOT paying his taxes the previous 4 years!! His response to the letter was, “SO!” He used MY interest on my mortgage, my children, my everything as deductions because he NEVER paid his bills, was in serious debt and his house (which he owned with two other people) was going into foreclosure!! I found out it was all a facade. But yet, he kept telling me that I was making more of the situation, that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Oh no, it was much worse.
And here I am, 13 years later, finally getting a divorce because, you see, it is not that easy to get away from a person like this. I went from an outgoing, smart, independent woman to a woman with no self esteem, trust issues and just plain scared. I am ashamed to admit this and believe me, would never, never, have thought this could have happened to me! My story is so much worse and so many other things have happened, that this is just a glimpse into this nightmare. But it has and I am trying to move on with my life to get back to the person I once was.
Please don’t think this could never happen to you. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time (Oprah) and move on. Don’t ever believe it is in your head, as told to me. It is not. Listen to your inner voice. If it just doesn’t feel right, it is NOT. TRUST YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU TRUST ANYONE.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 9, 2012.
3 steps to prevent a sociopath from taking advantage of your vulnerabilities
Silvermoon, if I had to do it again knowing only what I knew back then, I don’t think I would have done anything differently.
I wasted many years in therapy because nobody ever identified my mother as a S or my sister as a P.
Once in a while, I heard that my mother was very cold and a narcissist, but those were just passing comments.
If the therapists had known about Ps as we know about Ps now, things would have gone very differently. I would have gone no contact years ago.
That wasn’t an objective with the therapists. Their objective was to unite the family. I always felt under scrutiny. They were always searching, I felt, to discover what was wrong on my part that was creating dischord in the family.
Eventually, they would agree that I was the family scapegoat and I should probably stay away, but NOBODY ever said that these people were incapable of feelings and that no matter what I said or did, they were never going to recognize me as a person with value.
What I needed was that understanding and the recommendations about no contact etc. I would have abided by those gladly.
Instead, I was burdened with shame and failure because it “takes two to tangle” and look, this family thing wasn’t working out.
G1S QUOTE: “As I mentioned earlier, she told me that her spirit guides had helped her reach that conclusion. I almost walked out when I heard that. That was a huge red flag, but I had so many other things that I was trying to cope with then.:
WTF???? Her “spirit guides”??????? Wonder what college or university her “spirit guides” graduated from? I never heard of a therapist co-parenting with a parent? That is OUTRAGEOUS!
I am so glad that you and your son survived your sister, egg donor and several incompetent therapists all at one time. Whew! Talk about crazy! and Crazy making?
I was wrong. I just rechecked the information.
My therapist does have two Master’s degrees – one in clinical psychology and one in social work.
Darwinsmom, I have been psychic all my life. I have had very intense spiritual experiences. What I know from them is that I have no control over the information whatsoever. I have no way of knowing what is accurate and what is not.
I own and can read tarot cards. I am also an astrologer.
Because of those studies, I know how unreliable these things are. I would never live my life by them.
They’re very interesting at times, I love the imagery and metaphores, they give me something to think about, they’re often entertaining, but in the end, I would never make an important decision by using them.
If I can’t depend on them for me, I certainly would never use them to influence somebody else’s life. They need to decide for themselves what they want to accept.
I would never attempt to guide somebody’s life because “my spirit guides” told me something. I think wishful thinking and imagination color this stuff much too much.
They are just too unreliable.
The best that I would say about them if they offer another perspective.
I did tell my therapist that I had strong misgivings about this information that she claimed that she had. I told her that she was being too much of a Libra (over romantic.) I told her that I didn’t think she was being objective or realistic.
She came back with Jung. I forget which archetype that she used. It might have been something about a knight on a white horse.
For me, though, this was my life. I wanted reality, today, the here and now.
Ironic, isn’t it? The therapists insist that you tell them how you feel and when you do, they reject or dismiss that information.
Must be great to have all the answers. Then they get to rationalize away the harm that they did by finding a way to blame the client. Skylar was right.
Oxy,
You know what? I have never known any mental health facility or provider to give a new client a list of what is inappropriate behavior on their part.
I’ve seen HIPAA statements out the whazoo, but not one word about, “If a therapist ever says this, it’s wrong or if a therapist does that, it’s inappropriate.”
I think what I learned from these therapists is a good understanding why kids are fooled and misled by parents, coaches, teachers, scout leaders, clergy, or other adults.
Who is educating kids or the general public that this behavior was wrong?
Nobody educated me. I didn’t know. I also wouldn’t have known where to look.
Don’t forget that the Internet is a very recent development.
How many town libraries were filled with warning information about therapists? Aren’t we always told that these people care? That they are there to help? Feel free to open up to them. They will guide you.
If libraries had anything, who would know what to ask for or where to look?
The only warning that I got from a therapist was to be very careful because she estimated that at least 50% of therapists have never dealt with their personal issues. They go into therapy thinking that they can vicariously fix themselves by listening to their clients.
Her advice was very valuable. I heard it, encountered therapists like that, and got away as soon as I realized what was going on.
But what when somebody “cares” and tells you that they don’t think this is what’s happening and you might want to consider X, how many clients are going to think that they’re getting bad information?
I found out that she had had clients who fired her for not hearing them AFTER I told her that I was leaving for that reason. She never revealed that up front. Should she have? I don’t know.
Oh, one more thing. I kept asking what co-parenting meant. I had never heard the term before. I got evasive answers. She never once told me that it was about two real, divorced parents and their child. No wonder my son’s therapist had weird ideas.
I went into a rage when I found out-from my friends who were in therapy and did know exactly what the term signified.
I was livid because what I had spent weeks in discussing with her was the distance that I wanted to put between me and this man. I even refused to go with my son to his sessions. He could get there on his own. I wanted to remove me as a thorn in the therapist’s side so he could concentrate his efforts on my son. I told my therapist that nearly every week for months. I told him that.
What does my therapist do? She tell him that I want him to co-parent with me. Who do you think he’s going to assume is lying? His professional peer?
I left a furious message on my son’s therapist phone saying that I had never asked for that. He is my child. I get to choose who will be his other parent. Not my therapist. Not my son’s therapist. Nobody. I will deem who is good enough for my chind. Not anybody else. I never requested that, and I certainly would not have chosen him.
Then I called back fifteen minutes later after I cooled down and apologized for my delivery.
He said he got my messages, both of them.
I was embarrassed that I was so angry. Nobody addressed how inappropriate and unprofessional my therapist had been. I didn’t realize that was unprofessional.
I was reacting to somebody putting words in my mouth that weren’t true, because that’s what my S mother and P sister would do all the time. I focused on righting the truth. I let my therapist know that I was angry, but I didn’t push it. I was too conditioned by the Ps.
In other words, this one slipped through the cracks made by the Ps.
There should be “warnings” given to people going into therapy about what is inappropriate.
There are also therapists out there who are using “bunkum” for “therapy” and because they ahve a PhD or whatever they get by with it. I am sorry but I don’t think Freud and Jung are all that valid today. At the time they were studying, there were not the kinds of information that is known now about psychology, medicine, brain activity, chemical reactions etc in the brain as today. Their information may have been valid for their TIME but I dont’ think it is all that valid today. just MHO.
Using Freudian and Jungian therapy today is I am sorry I think it is like using the Maps that were valid in 1600 for navigation today. There are GPSs and other much more valid kinds of navigation tools today…and the same in therapy and medicine. Freud and Jung are way gone outdated.
As for the therapist’s “spirit guides” I think if you wanted to go to a fortune teller for your son’s therapy that she should have hung up a shingle as a “fortune teller” not a licensed therapist.
I know people who go to “Christian therapists” and other therapists who hold one spiritual belief or another, but for “mainstream” therapists who are “licensed therapists” I think they need to keep their personal prejudices out of the therapy aspect.
It would be totally unprofessional for me to preach Jesus to a client or patient.
If I had wanted spirit guides, I would have read my own Tarot cards or looked at my chart.
There is no need for me to pay good money for that. I can do it myself.
I had no idea that she did this, until she made that announcement.
Who knows what that woman was really trying to pull over on you? It does sound creepy. Really creepy.
I’d have taken it as an advance of no small proportion.
Co Parent my *.*!
You’re more patient than I am. I think I would have fired her on the spot and refused to pay the bill.
Too. too weird.
But, thankfully in the rear view mirror!
Tarot is fascinating. I’ve dabbled with it for years. And it is fascinating. But, like you said, who knows about it?
Spirit Guides are very interesting but the only people I know who can see them are people who are paid to. Go figure.
Trust your gut and keep going. Sounds like you’ve had a long road!
g1s,
exactly: never ever use those tools to ake decisions on. That’s what the “fortune tellers” I know off would always say when somebody asked a question regarding “what should I do?” They’d outright refuse to do a reading on such a question.
I completely agree with Oxy: she should have completely separated the two. And if she wanted to be fortune teller, she should have put a plaque on a her door about it.
g1s,
You are incredibly strong! Look at what kind of attacks you were being put through at the time – you son kidnapped, your sister and mother, you son’s suicide ideation, the courts believing your sister, his therapist’s inapropriate and creepy behaviour and then this nutter therapist of yours who meddled and was actually a fortune teller rather than a therapist, and then one even any other fortune teller I know would seriously frown upon.
It’s as if you fell into some viper’s nest!
G1S I agree with Darwin’smom, you fell into a viper’s nest! You did great considering the circumstances you were under at the time. Having so MANY psychopaths all trying to take a bite out of your arse at once and then having two therapists both inappropriate, I hardly see how you didn’t fall completely apart yourself, so pat yourself on the back you did good with the tools you had, you got out alive, your son is finishing up his first year of college with flying colors and so be thankful for the outcome. Don’t worry about the wicked witch and her co-hort, they may keep trying but I bet your son will tell them to take a hike! (((hugs)))