UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader. She learned the hard way how important it is to listen to your inner voice.
When I met my husband, 14 years ago, I owned my own home, had two children, a great job and life was great. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, however, he would not take no for an answer until I went out with him (1st red flag). He presented himself as financially secure, a family man with a daughter, and who told me family is everything . He was very charming and giving to my children and I.
After 5 months of dating, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said that I wasn’t ready to jump into marriage again after being married for 12 years. However, he never let up. He kept saying that I had no idea what a great life we could have together and that all he wanted to do was make me happy and provide a wonderful life for myself and children. We married 7 months later and my life has never been the same.
He changed the very night of our marriage. It was like he flipped a switch — not even consummating our marriage on our wedding night. He immediately got the attitude of “I have you now.” He moved into my house with nothing but a suitcase of his clothes, never even asking me if I wanted anything from his house. He started not wanting to drive to pick up his daughter to see her. Told me he didn’t want to have to go to every family function of his family. He started becoming distant to my children as well.
That was just the beginning of a mountain of lies and deception I started to uncover 9 months into our marriage. I started noticing that any time I asked him a question about anything, he became angry and verbally abusive. When it became time to do our taxes the first year of our marriage, I asked him if he had his own accountant. He said, let’s use yours. So we did. We both sat in front of my accountant and my husband NEVER flinched when asked certain questions. He again was extremely charming, funny and articulate, seeming to be capable of a lot.
Well, a few months later, I received a letter in the mail from the IRS stating they were withholding our refund of $6,000 due to my husband NOT paying his taxes the previous 4 years!! His response to the letter was, “SO!” He used MY interest on my mortgage, my children, my everything as deductions because he NEVER paid his bills, was in serious debt and his house (which he owned with two other people) was going into foreclosure!! I found out it was all a facade. But yet, he kept telling me that I was making more of the situation, that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Oh no, it was much worse.
And here I am, 13 years later, finally getting a divorce because, you see, it is not that easy to get away from a person like this. I went from an outgoing, smart, independent woman to a woman with no self esteem, trust issues and just plain scared. I am ashamed to admit this and believe me, would never, never, have thought this could have happened to me! My story is so much worse and so many other things have happened, that this is just a glimpse into this nightmare. But it has and I am trying to move on with my life to get back to the person I once was.
Please don’t think this could never happen to you. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time (Oprah) and move on. Don’t ever believe it is in your head, as told to me. It is not. Listen to your inner voice. If it just doesn’t feel right, it is NOT. TRUST YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU TRUST ANYONE.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 9, 2012.
3 steps to prevent a sociopath from taking advantage of your vulnerabilities
callmeathena
Yes, I believe that. My dad was always goofy, and made me laugh. There is a guy I work with who is the same way. Lifts me up.
By the way I started reading books by Otto Kernberg. Except I can’t. They are way too complex. I got one thing out of the book about Severe Personality Disorders. It points to envy that psychopaths have for others who do not have the same pathology. Psychopaths hate it when there are others who can enjoy their life. It is intolerable to the spath because he is imprisoned by his sadistic grandiose self.
G1S
I read the article.
I was a bit dismayed to see statements like this towards the end, “Early test scores, in other words, were necessary but not sufficient in predicting who ultimately became a violent criminal.”
If “violent behavior” is their understanding of what makes a P, then they are going to miss a lot of unrecognized/untraditional “violence” that Ps cause, e.g., destroying people’s finances, reputations, careers, family relationships etc.
It seemed to me that the article leaned to Ps as serial killers and murderers. I don’t know if that was due to the author’s lack of in-depth knowledge of the subject and/or if it was due to the researchers’ bias.
It was troubling to me to read that they are trying to “save” these children and make them “more normal.”
The two children that she talked about at that school, Michael (the main child discussed) and L. (the girl he liked) were chillingly and disturbingly calculating.
I’ve read in multiple places (I think one significant study was done in Canada) that therapy is very dangerous to give to a P because they learn how to use that information not to get well, but to be more convincing when they manipulate others.
Look at the example that they gave about the kids learning to bypass the school’s rule of one teacher for every two students. The kids developed a code word and at its utterance, the kids would all run away.
It felt to me that the researchers were horrified that there are people that can’t be helped or treated. Good people with good intentions, I guess, but if these kids can learn to develop code words to misbehave in school, what exactly is getting through to them?
I didn’t read anything in that article, which is not to say that it doesn’t exist and simply did not make it into print, that is showing any real success with the students in that school. If it was there, I’d appreciate it if somebody could point that out to me.
Yes, they are studying and working with these kids, but I think they’re going to need longterm, followup studies to see if and how this schooling impacted these children. For all we know, they may be unknowingly creating a school of highly skilled psychopaths.
Case in point, it certainly sounded to me like that statements Michael was making at home were simply Michael using the information he had gotten elsewhere to his advantage. The mother got that Michael is very manipulative.
For example, his father was going to discipline him and Michael came back with that his father was more bonded with Michael than the mother. It was Michael’s attempt to get his father to stop. What nine-year-old talks like that? He heard that from an adult, and it sounds like it came from a therapist, his parents, or other mental health worker.
I wonder how much Michael’s parents are aware of psychopaths as adults and the full range of the harm that adult psychopaths are capable of doing.
It’s perfectly understandable if the parents are just concentrating on children at this point. I really had to wonder if they are aware that Ps are much more than serial killers and rapists.
I was glad for the article because I think it’s a great start, but it left so much unmentioned. In the end, I thought the author was naive. But at least she’s on the right track.
Vision
G1SL
I agree with you. Great start but maybe we can “enlighten” the author….send her to LF. So true all you said….Michael talking the “talk”, echoing his therapist or parent….
kathy0707
G1S,
Excellent comments and I agree. However, it was mentioned that so and so is trying to prevent the next Ted Bundy in the article. Maybe the focus is on that right now – just eliminating the most heinous acts of psychopathy. It’s a start.
darwinsmom
G1S,
Excellent remarks and observations. I too thought at some point: the destruction is not just the P-criminals in jail. The article does mention Bernie Madoff and global financial crisis. But still most victims are everyday people with the average garden spath variety for abuser, and this too is at a great cost of society: ptsd, therapy, loss of jobs, disfunctioning, ripped apart families where one parent has to do it all on their own, loads of court cases and paperwork that spaths do not pay even if they must, etc.
skylar
The article was good. She is a journalist, not a doctor. She was reporting what she saw and heard. Furthermore, I believe she was being conservative so as not to overstep and be accused of conjecture.
I’m often accused of conjecture, because I state things that I have observed, read, and believe to be true. Since there are people who have different opinions, that is bound to happen.
The article went on for 9 pages. If the author had tried to cite professional journals for each possible opinion as well as the opposing view, it could have gone on for another 100 pages.
I think the journalist did a remarkable job, by focusing on the frustrating experience of the parent trying to raise a child who, in all probability, will not be a contributing member of society. On the contrary, he will likely be a huge burden on society, and yet she has to keep trying out of obligation, hope and love.
Back_from_the_edge
Mother’s Day: To all of you who are Mother’s, I wish you a wonderful day filled with peace and contentment.
Love to you all ~ Dupey
skylar
Happy Mother’s Day Dupey. Revel in your wonderful children. They are a blessing to you.
Back_from_the_edge
((skylar))
You have a good day, too; okay?
Me and my oldest and her family spent the day at the beach together yesterday and made so many wonderful memories….
Those memories ARE the ‘real gift’….
xxoo
G1S
I almost pointed to Bernie Madoff being mentioned in the article because to me, that was pointing to another Ted Bundy.
Ps are very destructive without going to that scale.
I agree with you, Skylar, too that in order for the journalist to give the subject justice, she could have gone on for another 100 pages.
The bottom line is it is a start. I hope it brings up more questions and deeper research.
Maybe eventually our stories will get understood and told.