Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader “PressEject” has written several insightful Letters to Lovefraud about his involvements with sociopathic men. You can read them here:
Finding sanity after the sociopath (part 1)
Finding sanity after the sociopath (part 2)
Pulled in by the child in the sociopath
As a bisexual person, PressEject was most recently romantically involved with a woman who also turned out to be disordered. In this post, he compares the two experiences.
By PressEject
There was absolutely NOTHING in her emails that asked me to find with her (together) some kind of understanding or resolution. Instead it was like she was writing the script for everything, forgetting another person might have a view different than hers. I let her write it, I stepped back. I was not being asked for anything, so no hard feelings in not responding luckily (other than the overall regret and unease from falling into this sticky web.)
As someone with a bisexual past, I am now a person who has dated both a male S and a female S. I can tell you that their (non-gender reliant) destructive qualities and personality traits have some remarkable similarities:
1. They both got upset if they didn’t get what THEY want.
2. They both played “the victim” if something was held from them that they wanted.
3. They both tried to use guilt (or gaslighting) to make me do something they wanted.
4. They both had “back up” plans in case I “didn’t work out.” He kept his secret, I remembered his behavior and then asked her if she had a “back up plan” and (surprise!) she said as a matter of fact “yes!” (ouch!)
5. Both would become aggressively frustrated when their views were challenged. (I learned to challenge them the second time around!!)
6. Both “excelled at marketing themselves.” Both were fairly fearless in social settings.
7. I am the one who was blamed for any problems, not them. Could not be criticized.
8. Both were capable of very SHORT-TERM regret. (deceptive practice that I was able to keep my guard up against the second time around.)
9. Lack of real empathy, some amount of fake or obvious empathy that could be gained by them when it was explained to them but not forthcoming if left to their own devices (which was most of the time!)
10. Neither showed any sense of guilt when exposed for their hurtful insensitivity or selfishness.
11. Mixed signals… running from very hot (passionate sexually) to complete cold, left in the dust, see you later.
12. There was an eery void “behind the mask,” both revealed what I consider to be unconscious deficits of self-esteem. In time, these were revealed (his were more hidden but could be characterized by a “shy, humble” view of himself contrary to his predatory conquests, hers came out in logically chaotic emails when she wasn’t getting something from me). Oddly, they would spew this out from time to time but neither seemed to be aware of how it caused them to act, so in this sense it seems like an unconscious awareness they always carry.
13. Both were impulsive in the moment, decisions were made quickly almost randomly.
14. Both broke off the relationship suddenly and without warning!
15. Both would from time to time obsess over something they had no power over that caused them stress.
16. Neither seemed concerned if I was ever hungry or thirsty. If they were, then I might be also.
17. When any kind of problem was presented to them it was met with a quarrelsome and defensive posture, neither were willing to work productively to solve a problem with me together. Since they didn’t see anything as broken, there was nothing offered to fix it.
18. Both showed a need to control conversations and social settings. Both often relied on an “outgoing” and “larger than life” personality to achieve this.
19. No real or deep thought-out values. During my second experience, I attempted to find out what was behind multiple opinions (often self righteous opinions held against others) and why these were formed. I found very little under that shell. Instead, to avoid any real thought effort, the questions might be easily turned around and handed back to me.
20. Both would announce, not discuss, both would tell, not ask.
21. Both eventually would reveal they were on the lookout for something “better” and not wanting to settle.
22. Both regard relationships as interchangeable. If I don’t meet their needs, someone else will.
23. Both expressed that they often felt misunderstood. (I wonder why!)
24. Both could at times easily discuss THEIR feelings but never mine.
25. A pervasive sense of humor they both shared was found at other people’s misfortunes.
26. Both gave me odd little presents at the beginning. I believe these to be impulsive purchases, not much real thought went into them it felt like.
27. The lavish flattery… I was to star in a pin-up calendar, I was the smartest guy ever, so accomplished, the best they had ever had!! (uh, how many have you had!!??)
28. Both indifferent about core qualities of healthy relationships: real love, caring, commitment, loyalty.
I started that list last week as I tried to gain my sanity back… It helped!! Perhaps it would be helpful to share with others.
I am still in “relationship recovery” it seems. I learned about three and half years ago I have a blind spot for this kind of behavior. The Lovefraud site helped change my life! I have a developing awareness now that I have a weakness (or blind spot) that I am working on in mistakenly letting relationships propel quickly past emotional involvement right into physical intimacy. With the “S” this can happen easily I now know.
I will be working harder to be careful, to value myself more and not act as impulsively as these predators. I will also pray. I sense that I have suffered with low self-esteem for a long time in my life, luckily, I have a tool to help me out of this. It is love. I know it has to be love and less fear running my life. Love from inside me to build me up, to help me express this in healthy ways. I am determined now more than ever to keep on this path. I will feel less empty and I will keep growing.
Alex, my ex CONSTANTLY accused me of cheating. Hmmm, he knew he would/could do it at the drop of a hat …that’s why they accuse us. A spath is a vile piece of carp. Sounds like you’ve had a horrendous experience. How long you been NC?
Alex,
ah yes, the gambling. Mine told me he didn’t care for it, AFTER I told him how much I disliked it. Yet he seemed to always find himself in gambling establishments. Within 2 weeks of meeting he asked me to go with him and his old friend to Reno. Picture this: 66 year old man (his friend), 29 year old man (spath) and 17-year old girl (me) on a road trip to Reno?? WTF? I, of course, declined. But I wasn’t smart enough to decline the rest of his BS, unfortunately. It took 25 years to do that… Oh well.
If you don’t know the red flags (of which gambling is a HUGE one), you can rely on one thing to warn you that you’re with a spath. This is called the WTF? moment. It’s a moment when your brain says: “does not compute!! error! error!” That’s a warning that a spath is near by. Run like the wind!
Louise –
“I’m so sorry about your former property. It sounds so beautiful :-(”
It was; it still is; even spaths can’t destroy what is beautiful in nature; even when they do inflict harm, nature regrows and covers up her battle scars with rambling vines and new green leaves.
I guess that’s what we need to do with ourselves, too.
Louise, my new place will be lovely when I’ve finished here too. So that you don’t feel too sad for me, I will share with you the draft for that section of the book I am writing; it’s totally unedited and hasn’t been “cleaned up” yet, but the gist is there, I think –
“Its funny how we can think we have cut ourselves loose from things but then how some reminder can have us right back there, weeping and grieving our losses.
I put the reports down on the table and went outside to kick a ball around the back yard for the 2 most patient dogs in the whole world.
As we played, I noticed how large my Paulownia tree had become; in the past few months while I had been missing in action, its roots had found what they had searched in vain for previously and it had taken off. It must have been fully a metre taller than when I had last taken the time to properly examine it. I would see its first flowers this coming Spring. As I continued to kick the ball around and move to other areas of the yard in response to the movements of dogs and the ball, I noticed that the parrots had been chewing the peaches off the peach tree that hung over the fence from next door. I hadn’t even noticed that tree flower or sprout this year, things that did not ordinarily go unobserved by me.
I saw that my 3 big old fig trees were bursting with more fruit than I would know what to do with, and made a mental note to find some recipes for drying figs, or stewing figs ”“ anything other than a recipe for fig jam ,which I had never really enjoyed. I noticed teensy weensy pomegranates growing on the still small tree I had planted the year before.
And I saw, for the first time in its eventful and difficult young life; having been planted fully 3 years back but having also endured several viscious prunings back almost to ground level by the naughty duo of Wallace and Grommet (my pet sheep) during some of their extremely well-thought-out and opportunistic escapes from their paddock at times when I had inadvertently left the gate open behind me; my lemon tree, bursting to capacity with a dozen baby lemons.”
I’m going to be just fine – and so are you. x
strongawoman
what do you mean by NC, and yes constantly acusing if i could prove i wasnt one way she would accuse me of another way, it never stopped its like blame shifting, if you cant be blamed for one thing they just find another to blame you for.
im still in the wtf moment trust me big red flags, every relationship she ever had ended abrubtly on her behalf, constant quick decisions with no remorse, gambling, you know whats hilarious is if she seen a man do any of those things she would be quick to call them a spath, one of the books she loved to read was getting it through your thick skull by buttafuoco, looks like i should have read some. but yet i woke up this morning to our pics on the wall and started melting again. some days are good and some are bad
Alex,
remove the pictures from the wall.
Alex,
NC=No Contact. It’s 2months for me. Had a mixed weekend ….it’s still good and bad days. Keep going, just keep reading and you will get lots of support here. It’s been my saviour.
And I agree with skylar…..get rid of photos or at least remove everything from view.
its been 2 weeks for me, its still rough the pics help and hurt at the same time, its holiday season and its rough
Alex,
no they don’t help, they prolong your agony, your cog/diss and your life in her fantasy world.
SHE IS NOT REAL. She is a mythological character, a two-dimensional construct of a cartoon character. Everything about her is a lie. There is no real her because she is empty behind the mask. The only thing there is a slimey green envy that seeks to turn you into her because she doesn’t want to be miserable and empty by her miserable and empty self.
Alex, it’s hard yes it’s f***king rough but you are better without that thing treating you like a piece of meat. I kept a diary in the early days…..not every day but it helped me to write down my “story”. For me to read and re read. Do you have some support like family and friends. It helps if they know what you are going through and can help/support you if she tries to pick up the pieces and you feel compelled to give it another go. Just keep reading everything here. When you see the symptoms and read peoples stories it will help you see more clearly. That and remaining no contact. Best wishes to you, be brave!