Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader “PressEject” has written several insightful Letters to Lovefraud about his involvements with sociopathic men. You can read them here:
Finding sanity after the sociopath (part 1)
Finding sanity after the sociopath (part 2)
Pulled in by the child in the sociopath
As a bisexual person, PressEject was most recently romantically involved with a woman who also turned out to be disordered. In this post, he compares the two experiences.
By PressEject
There was absolutely NOTHING in her emails that asked me to find with her (together) some kind of understanding or resolution. Instead it was like she was writing the script for everything, forgetting another person might have a view different than hers. I let her write it, I stepped back. I was not being asked for anything, so no hard feelings in not responding luckily (other than the overall regret and unease from falling into this sticky web.)
As someone with a bisexual past, I am now a person who has dated both a male S and a female S. I can tell you that their (non-gender reliant) destructive qualities and personality traits have some remarkable similarities:
1. They both got upset if they didn’t get what THEY want.
2. They both played “the victim” if something was held from them that they wanted.
3. They both tried to use guilt (or gaslighting) to make me do something they wanted.
4. They both had “back up” plans in case I “didn’t work out.” He kept his secret, I remembered his behavior and then asked her if she had a “back up plan” and (surprise!) she said as a matter of fact “yes!” (ouch!)
5. Both would become aggressively frustrated when their views were challenged. (I learned to challenge them the second time around!!)
6. Both “excelled at marketing themselves.” Both were fairly fearless in social settings.
7. I am the one who was blamed for any problems, not them. Could not be criticized.
8. Both were capable of very SHORT-TERM regret. (deceptive practice that I was able to keep my guard up against the second time around.)
9. Lack of real empathy, some amount of fake or obvious empathy that could be gained by them when it was explained to them but not forthcoming if left to their own devices (which was most of the time!)
10. Neither showed any sense of guilt when exposed for their hurtful insensitivity or selfishness.
11. Mixed signals… running from very hot (passionate sexually) to complete cold, left in the dust, see you later.
12. There was an eery void “behind the mask,” both revealed what I consider to be unconscious deficits of self-esteem. In time, these were revealed (his were more hidden but could be characterized by a “shy, humble” view of himself contrary to his predatory conquests, hers came out in logically chaotic emails when she wasn’t getting something from me). Oddly, they would spew this out from time to time but neither seemed to be aware of how it caused them to act, so in this sense it seems like an unconscious awareness they always carry.
13. Both were impulsive in the moment, decisions were made quickly almost randomly.
14. Both broke off the relationship suddenly and without warning!
15. Both would from time to time obsess over something they had no power over that caused them stress.
16. Neither seemed concerned if I was ever hungry or thirsty. If they were, then I might be also.
17. When any kind of problem was presented to them it was met with a quarrelsome and defensive posture, neither were willing to work productively to solve a problem with me together. Since they didn’t see anything as broken, there was nothing offered to fix it.
18. Both showed a need to control conversations and social settings. Both often relied on an “outgoing” and “larger than life” personality to achieve this.
19. No real or deep thought-out values. During my second experience, I attempted to find out what was behind multiple opinions (often self righteous opinions held against others) and why these were formed. I found very little under that shell. Instead, to avoid any real thought effort, the questions might be easily turned around and handed back to me.
20. Both would announce, not discuss, both would tell, not ask.
21. Both eventually would reveal they were on the lookout for something “better” and not wanting to settle.
22. Both regard relationships as interchangeable. If I don’t meet their needs, someone else will.
23. Both expressed that they often felt misunderstood. (I wonder why!)
24. Both could at times easily discuss THEIR feelings but never mine.
25. A pervasive sense of humor they both shared was found at other people’s misfortunes.
26. Both gave me odd little presents at the beginning. I believe these to be impulsive purchases, not much real thought went into them it felt like.
27. The lavish flattery… I was to star in a pin-up calendar, I was the smartest guy ever, so accomplished, the best they had ever had!! (uh, how many have you had!!??)
28. Both indifferent about core qualities of healthy relationships: real love, caring, commitment, loyalty.
I started that list last week as I tried to gain my sanity back… It helped!! Perhaps it would be helpful to share with others.
I am still in “relationship recovery” it seems. I learned about three and half years ago I have a blind spot for this kind of behavior. The Lovefraud site helped change my life! I have a developing awareness now that I have a weakness (or blind spot) that I am working on in mistakenly letting relationships propel quickly past emotional involvement right into physical intimacy. With the “S” this can happen easily I now know.
I will be working harder to be careful, to value myself more and not act as impulsively as these predators. I will also pray. I sense that I have suffered with low self-esteem for a long time in my life, luckily, I have a tool to help me out of this. It is love. I know it has to be love and less fear running my life. Love from inside me to build me up, to help me express this in healthy ways. I am determined now more than ever to keep on this path. I will feel less empty and I will keep growing.
Alex you’re not allowed to answer. Your opinion is not required. It’s a game. How long will it take to destroy you? keepmoving the goal posts, keep you on your toes. They love it.
You know what I love.
I get to say no more. Youre not doing that to me ANY more. I am strongawoman. I am me. I win.
He can’t have me. Oh yea he’ll get some other woman …he always does. He’s weak you see. But he won’t have me. As his trophy ex. Keep me on his shelf of exes …..dust me off when he thinks the dust has settled. That’s his Achilles heel. He likes to stay friends. And I’ve cut him off. Dead.
As for the blame game. It’s pure projection. They criticise you for their faults. Mine hated liars….he lied. Hated promiscuity…..he slept around. Hated wife beaters….was abusive. Hated homosexuals….I had my suspicions!!
In short, the depths to which he would plummet were limitless in his quest to win. He would say, “are you trying to take my throne?”
I challenged him and oh Lord did I see his wrath.
Sorry. Rant over. Ah, that’s better. Off evil spath. Be off with you I say, out of my thoughts.
strongawoman
no i love it i got chills reading that i mean wow, moving the goal posts that is so my story made it so i could never acheive anything ever
Alex,
yes they do move the goal posts. That’s one of their sabotage routines. When you think of the spath, think of the snake in the garden of eden. You don’t have to be christian to use this analogy, it’s a perfect fit even as a character in a story. The snake came into the garden to sabotage the peace and harmony that existed. Oh so innocently, he suggested that Eve eat this pretty fruit. That’s how they do it. They are subtle and conniving. That’s why NC is the only answer, if you let them into your garden, they will poison your life.
My X BF’s X wife told me that “I haven’t had to say ‘I’m sorry’ for over 6 months now, it is wonderful!”
I laughed about that but I sure had a nice conversation with her, because he would get FURIOUS if you knew anything about anything that he didn’t know better, or if you forgot to say “pretty please with honey on it would you paleeeeze pass the butter?” I have seen few people who had such a fragile ego and had to have it stoked so much….LOL
Moving the goal posts and sabotage, lies and deception….and I thought I couldn’t live without a “romantic” relationship! LOL Funny thing, me without a relationshit is kind of like a fish without a bicycle!!!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO
aussiegirl:
Great! I am glad you are also making your new place just as beautiful.
Thank you for that piece from your book.
We are going to be fine…I just know it. Scarred, but fine.
Many moons ago, whilst checking out the Superspath’s Facebook page
– purely for evidence dears, NOT in the spirit of breaking NC; I went, I searched, I found, I copied, I pasted, I saved and then I never went back again –
I was enthralled to see that he had “subscribed” to 2 FB pages entitled “Treat your girl right, or another guy will” (excuse me while I choke on a large amount of vomit) AND “I would rather go to jail for spanking my kids than for them to go to jail because I didn’t” (this, the same man I reported to Child Protection services for beating his son and oherwise abusing him mentally and emotionally)
It’s all about posturing with them; or, as Dr Dave Kosson would say, “impression management”.
Alex –
“cant tie the shoe laces just yet”
If that’s because your hands are shaking sweetheart, then buy some shoes with Velcro.
You need to think sideways with these monsters.
You need to train your mind to think like a spath – it will keep you one step ahead of them.
One step ahead of them is all you need to be; if you can manage more than that, well great, but if not, know that one step is an enormous achievement and let yourself feel proud of YOU. These monsters outwit others for a living and have perfected it over the course of their lifetime. ANY victory over them is a grand triumph for us mere mortals.
By staying a step ahead, they will eventually lose their footing and come unstuck – they always do once we are on to them. Pace yourself. THINK more than you DO. WALK with purpose and determination more than you RUN with fear. PLAN and PLOT and BACK UP and FILE AWAY and work on all of your contigencies and you will beat this thing. x
ox drover
the bycicle thing made me laugh thank you needed it
aussiegirl
trust me she is or was always steps ahead of me i just this week was able to recover the last of my internet passwords, and friday i found out it is a felony in my state to install webwatcher without owners consent on cpus, wink wink so the hand is changing very rapidly, i was assured by our local cyber crimes division in the next 5 days my spaths life was about to change dramaticaly, also found out its a felony for them to acces bank accounts, so i might spend xmas alone but ill be at home, and considering theses cyber crimes carry no bond in our state my spath will get xmas dinner on a tray through a door
Alex, I think we all need a laugh from time to time…and at some of the most black humor…but recovering our sense of humor is a good sign!
I hope that you are able to get her prosecuted if she has broken the law, however, keep in mind that the law enforcement in the US or UK (where ever you are) doesn’t always function very well or fairly.
When dealing with the law enforcement folks, I suggest that you be sure and PRESENT YOURSELF AS CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED…you may not feel that way, you may be madder’n heck, but keep your MASK OF CALM up! It will serve you well.
Good luck.