Editor’s note: This artice was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “One/joy_step_at_a_time.”
I have been thinking a lot about Donna’s May 28 blog thread, If you feel an emotional void, the sociopath will step in, and the responses to it.
Tonight I took a long walk and sat down by the lake and thought about what the spath drew out in me. She showed me ”˜the gap.’ It’s humourous to me to type the phrase ”˜the gap.’ When I lived in Eastern Europe, I heard a phrase over the loud speakers at the train station, over and over again. I finally asked a friend the meaning of the phrase, and he told me it meant, ”˜mind the gap between the platform and the train.’
I haven’t minded the gap. I realize that the spath drew out two parts of my personality, and that these two parts of me, the three year old and my young adult self, can both look in on a part of me lost in the gap. I have often gone back and investigated ”˜the gap’ in my life. But, in the wake of the spath experience I see that it is still there, still in need of having light shone on it, and that I now have the opportunity to view it from two very different perspectives.
Damaged family life
There were brutal things that happened before this, but when I was eight, my mother had a horrific car accident, which put her in the hospital for a very long time, and damaged her body for life. It damaged our family life and left my sib and I to fend for ourselves as my father tried to maintain the family farm. We were terribly isolated in our small rural area. We had no family close by, and my parents wouldn’t allow us to go to live with our grandparents where we would have gotten the care and attention we needed.
The spath drew out these two strong parts of my personality — one part that existed before the gap, and one part that existed after the gap. During the gap my needs, first as a child, then as a teenager, were neglected. I did not have a role model for understanding feelings, nor a way to contextualize them. Life was like a dark dream — even when I was happy, there was so much pain.
When my mom finally came home from the hospital, broken and battered, she screamed in pain for hours on end. My poor little empathetic heart broke. I was not allowed to go to her, but would endure listening to her. I would not leave the house. I would stand under her bedroom and wait. I am not sure what I was waiting for — except the cessation of her pain. When she was finally able to get around, she was not a happy woman — she was riddled with pain and drugs. She was bad tempered and not able to cope with the life she was living. We should have left the farm at that point, so that she did not have to go back to work to support the damned thing — but my father is an n and she is supply, and he wanted to farm.
At the age of 13 I was asked to write an ”˜autobiography’ for one of my school classes. I had a wonderful teacher that year; someone who showed compassion and who really tried to reach me. I remember discussing my autobiography with her when she returned them to the class. I had written about my life to the age of 8 or 9, and then from 12 onwards. I had skipped the years in between as ”˜I didn’t remember’ them.
Abuse
I ‘woke up’ at 14, and immediately started to club myself to sleep with drugs. I was emotionally and sexually used by the young men in our area. I met the son of one of them last week, and it brought shame to the surface. I looked back on all the boys I knew from the age of 13 on, and there was a lot of usery. I didn’t know that these boys were using me and my friends. I didn’t know that my feelings were indicators that another’s behaviour was bad for me (how could I stay in my house if I KNEW that), and I was innocent. I had no idea what they were up to. Just as I didn’t know what the spath was up to — as I had never run into that before either, and no one protected me with knowledge. Innocence isn’t lost. It is torn from us. Pulled out our souls, leaving great rivers of raw wounded feelings.
My parents didn’t do much to help me understand life. They didn’t give me the emotional tools or the notion of boundaries that would help me to take care of myself and make my way in the world. They yelled at me, they ignored me, and they smacked me every now and then. Most of the significant events of my early life were met with an emotional frigidness that left me feeling shamed and alien. My mother was supply, and was set on my sib and I being supply, too. Dad was an n. I did my best to fit in, and when I couldn’t, I took drugs. Lots of them. I also participated in my own abuse at the hands of others — some who were too young and dysfunctional themselves to really be held accountable. And I learned to hurt myself in many ways: emotionally, mentally and with the choices (non-choices) I made.
The spath and the gap
It was great to move out of home and BREATHE. I started to feel the beauty in the world that existed outside the dark dream and repression in my family. But I carried on making ill-informed choices. And all of these hurts and abuses piled up. They lead me to the other strong part of my personality — the woman who wants to run, the woman who would fight fist-to-cuffs, the woman who cries like a warrior on the outside and who holds a river of pain on the inside. I didn’t truly meet her until I was duped by the spath.
The ”˜gap’ is the person who bridges these two strong parts of my personality. I don’t know what to do for this part of me, for this part of my past, but I need to shine some light in that frozen dark dream space. It seems to be thawing, yet again, as I look in from the eyes of the child and the eyes of the warrior. The spath once called me a ”˜magnificent creature’. It was a deep compliment to me. She saw both this warrior and this child. She called the warrior out. The fake boy (child) she made up needed to be cared for. I need to care for myself, but I learned early and repeatedly to care for others — even if all I could do was stand frozen in the face of their suffering. I wasn’t taught autonomy — I am lucky that it is natural to my character, but I still have to fight all of the time to develop it and retain it. The spath got me to care for the fake boy — instead of myself. But in the end I have learned that I want to take care of myself at the expense of taking care of others. My eyes have been opened to what my family members are, and what they would still take from me if I allowed them to. It has been a hard, harsh lesson.
Dupey,
Good to read you’re starting to feel a positive change with the medicine. Finding the right anti-depressant is a very difficult thing: which hormone is imbalanced and why there’s a problem with it and in how much it is problematic can vary from person to person, which basically makes the medication process a trial and error testing, and that over time (how they need to be built up and built down again).
I think of our brain receptors as locks which only a particular key (hormone) can unlock. Anti-depressants are like walker keys that are not the exact copy of the key hormone, because they are fabricated instead of natural hormones (for patent and ethical accessibility reasons), but they’re able to fool some locks. It’s just that several of those walker keys must be tried upon the lock in order to open the door.
🙂
Hens!!
“When I was emeshed with the spath I suffered more from hyper vigilance and anxiety, I think that comes with the package. I was an emotional wreck, the spath enduced stress almost killed me. I didnt know which way to turn or run. But I did finally realize the relationship was unhealthy and as much as I thought I loved him I had to make him leave. I remember thinking it must be me, I must have comittment issues or something,,but in hindsight I almost killed myself trying to please him and keep him happy. Nothing would of worked, that’s just the nature of the beast,,,So lesson learned.”
Thank you Henry. That could have been written about me. Word for word exactly the same. Hyper vigilant, anxious……he liked to “keep me on my toes” as he put it. So of course I couldn’t see what was truly happening.
They are empty vessels aren’t they. I so identify with trying to make him happy, to please him. The more I tried, the more he moved the goal posts. He got a real kick out of it.
No pun intended lol
darwinsmom: Thanks so much for your post. Oh yes, definitely a positive change. I have tried so many over the years and they were all HORRID. This one seems to help me a great deal. Depression is a very ‘odd monster’…it moves in and overtakes your life and leaves you listless and well, there are lots of symptoms and none of which I am missing at the moment. Thankfully and gratefully.
I think the most upsetting thing is being stricken with major depression for a lifetime and never knowing there was something there to help.
You tend to just accept it as being the way you are and you don’t realize that it’s actually a deficiency inside the brain chemicals creating and/or causing it. Major Depression is an illness just like any other illness but the connotations of ‘major depression’ gives some folks the willies and you are not as readily ‘accepted’ nor are many ‘allowances’ ever afforded to you nor considerations given sometimes by others. You don’t realize that actually what is happening to you is chemically induced and can be altered, whereas with a psychopath, their chemical make up is never normal. It is just always stuck on ‘stupid’ and ‘ugly’.
Life is starting to look a whole lot different to me now with “IT” out of the way. I mean, TRULY, out of the way. Oh sure, I am still being stalked, mostly cyberly now and by phone but the incidence of it is slowing down and the peace and quiet is absolutely enveloping!!!!!….THANK GOODNESS!!!!!! I have my life back and still a little life left to live!
Take care darwinsmom and thank you for your support and encouragement, it means a lot to me. We all kind of hold each other up around here, don’t we? The refreshing part about it is that none of us have an ‘agenda’ – imagine that…unique in the world, I might say. Thanks so much. Have a happy day!!!!!!!
Dupey
xxoo
LOL STRONGAWOMAN: I saw that!!!
Yes, they are empty vessels, Lovey ~ it’s sad but we have to accept it. Don’t we? We have to accept it and move on the best way we possibly can.
You know, when I think of the past ten years being thrown right down the drain, I should really HATE this person, with all my might for stealing those years from me. Especially NOW with this fatal heart condition; hm? But, I don’t. I have pity for him. Deep pity. I have never met such a sick person who knows it yet denies it. And, I am not fighting the ‘battle’ anymore.
I hope you are well and doing alright over there in that beautiful place…what does it smell like after a rain? I just bet it smells like a little bit of heaven; am I right? Here, where I live, I don’t hardly ever get to smell the rain or hear the storms, being in the desert….I so miss the rain. Enjoy for me, would you?
Hugs from the left coast of America…xxoo
Hey Dupey,
Glad to see you’re starting to benefit from the medication. I’ve had a number of episodes of anxiety/depression ……the worst one I nearly lost my life. Thank the lord for modern medicine.
Im still angry, however. I hope I’m going to get to that stage where I can feel nothing. Pity is too good for someone who can do that to another human. Love when Hens said silver cross? You should have given him a silver bullet. I know I shouldn’t laugh and wanting revenge is not helping me move on but……sometimes hanging is too good for them. ….an old Yorkshire saying. Lmao.
Oh the weather!!! Omg it’s like October today. Quite chilly and it’s raining. Again. I’ve got my heating on!!!! Yes it is a lovely smell when we’ve had a dry spell and then the rain comes. I’m lucky. Where I live I look out onto a field …..it’s so beautiful in the summer. As you know it’s lush and green.
Lots of love Dupey doo
Xx
strongawoman: thanks for your wishes. yes, I thank the Lord, every day for giving me this miracle. It’s been a long while since I have felt like this. I am so sorry for your near death experience. I have had a few of those in my lifetime and they have a way of getting inside you and churning; don’t they? The best we can do is thank the Lord we are still in this life and moving on as best we can. I know exactly how that feels.
The anger will consume you if you let it. That is an extension of their devastation and destruction to us. I have learned over the past 2 years to deal with that ‘anger’ because it is very destructive. IF WE ALLOW IT TO BE. I chose ‘absolution’ and ‘pity’ because there is nothing else left. I am not spending the rest of my life trapped inside of “ITS” psychological bubble. I just am not. I refuse because the after effects are a part of the torment they inflict. You will come to find that sweet indifference. Once you find that, it’s a steady walk on out. Just remember who you are, your value and your worth and say, “No, this is unacceptable and I am not tolerating it anymore.” And keep on, keepin’ on. I know ‘pity’ is too good for them. But if we look at it from a different perspective, we can see that these people just are not well. They have character flaws brought on by their illness. It’s difficult to NOT have pity on someone that is so continuously harming themselves and trying to take everyone else with them. You will find that spot, I just know you will. IF YOU LET YOURSELF. It’s difficult to get over that anger, I know. It almost took my life from me as being a part of that ‘overall stress package’ that came with the ‘being’.
HA: I should have given him a silver bullet instead of a silver cross. But I thought that was really interesting to see him fling that cross at me the way he did. Yes, it was silver with a couple of diamonds set into it and that still didn’t matter. As soon as he touched it, he flung it. Like it burned his hand. I know I may be reading more into this than I should, but I do definitely believe that MY IT is possessed. Whether that is truly possible or not, I am not sure but I don’t see why that couldn’t happen. I mean, the endless battle between good and evil prevails throughout time, correct? Yes, I pity “IT” for having such a pointless life.
LIKE OCTOBER? Yum: I bet it smells wonderful! Enjoy and appreciate it for me, would you? Wrap some up in a box and ship it to me. I will have my own little ‘rain pocket’ all to myself. hahahahaha Um, please don’t forget to include the fragrance. It sounds amazingly beautiful where you are. Oh yes, lush and beautiful and green …..I would so love to lay eyes on that beauty.
Have a wonderful day, would you?
Probably getting on to afternoon, there, now; hm?
Love you too strongawoman, you stay strong and safe.
Dupey xxoo
Dupey,
Hmm possessed ……doesn’t that slightly get them off the hook though Dupey? My ex knew exactly what he was doing. As I said recently…..as cunning as an old fox. Evil. Enjoyed getting his own back on who ever crossed him. He would say,”Strongawoman, are you trying to take my throne?”. He hated being challenged. And he had such an inflated ego, I mean, throne? Lol. Poor love. He was totally deluded.
Yes its 5pm here. Just watching the old Queen on tv celebrating her 60 years on the throne. I’m not much of a royalist but it’s keeping me distracted from the dreaded reports. I havent started yet. Have been watching some of the French open. Love tennis.
How’s your day going friend? Will you be able to go and see your daughter soon?
Sending a big Yorkshire hug to my dear friend. How hot is it where you are today? X
Strongawoman,
Perhaps it does get them slightly off the hook but I have done a lot of reading and research and I just don’t believe there is not a correlation there somewhere. I prefer to think of it as letting “ME” off the hook. It’s a different way to reprocess the unexplainable.
Yes, they do know what they are doing but I don’t think they can help themselves. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it nor condone it or feed into it though. It doesn’t. We are human beings too and should not be forced to take abuse, whatever form, from nobody else. MINE actually told me one time that he could make the rain start and stop and that even MY GOD could not do that. And meant it, seriously. If that is not evil, I don’t know what is.
Blessings to the Queen and her long reign. I so adore her Grandsons. They are everything their Beautiful Mother, the Princess, would have hoped for and even more. My heart goes out to them. Yes, hopefully the Dear Queen learned a heartfelt lesson because the world became a lesser place without Princess Diana.
I love golf and watching it on television. I am really rather boring, aren’t I? The day is going well. Been very quiet with NO stalking or intrusions. Of course, it’s still early here. hahahaha
Yes, planning on visiting the daughter sometime by years end.
Love and blessings to you and Beautiful Yorkshire.
It is currently 85f and not quite 10 am. Not sure what that breaks down to in Celsius. Have a sweet day and don’t forget to enjoy some of that rainy fragrance for me…ahhhhhhh,
~From smoggy old Southern California
Dupey xxoo
Yes Dupey, Diana was VERY popular here. Her sons are so like her aren’t they? The monarchy has changed because of her legacy. Bless her.
Yes I know what you mean when you say “letting ME off the hook”
It makes it easier to bear if we can think it is their biological make up, its in their DNA. People have told me it’s a very lonely world the spath inhabits…..and that is certainly true for the ex. He HATES being on his own …..ironically it is a life of his own choosing. Always thinking the grass is greener elsewhere or if he could just meet the RIGHT woman. Tut. Sigh.
Anyway back to Sunday afternoon pursuits….I’m not a big fan of golf but then again Ive never played so I’m sure it could be fun. I don’t think you’re boring at all Dupey!! It’s good to relax. You deserve it after what you’ve had to put up with.
Ps Fahrenheit is good for me. Phew that hot and it’s still so early. Get your bikini on Dupey doo!! X