Editor’s note: This artice was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “One/joy_step_at_a_time.”
I have been thinking a lot about Donna’s May 28 blog thread, If you feel an emotional void, the sociopath will step in, and the responses to it.
Tonight I took a long walk and sat down by the lake and thought about what the spath drew out in me. She showed me ”˜the gap.’ It’s humourous to me to type the phrase ”˜the gap.’ When I lived in Eastern Europe, I heard a phrase over the loud speakers at the train station, over and over again. I finally asked a friend the meaning of the phrase, and he told me it meant, ”˜mind the gap between the platform and the train.’
I haven’t minded the gap. I realize that the spath drew out two parts of my personality, and that these two parts of me, the three year old and my young adult self, can both look in on a part of me lost in the gap. I have often gone back and investigated ”˜the gap’ in my life. But, in the wake of the spath experience I see that it is still there, still in need of having light shone on it, and that I now have the opportunity to view it from two very different perspectives.
Damaged family life
There were brutal things that happened before this, but when I was eight, my mother had a horrific car accident, which put her in the hospital for a very long time, and damaged her body for life. It damaged our family life and left my sib and I to fend for ourselves as my father tried to maintain the family farm. We were terribly isolated in our small rural area. We had no family close by, and my parents wouldn’t allow us to go to live with our grandparents where we would have gotten the care and attention we needed.
The spath drew out these two strong parts of my personality — one part that existed before the gap, and one part that existed after the gap. During the gap my needs, first as a child, then as a teenager, were neglected. I did not have a role model for understanding feelings, nor a way to contextualize them. Life was like a dark dream — even when I was happy, there was so much pain.
When my mom finally came home from the hospital, broken and battered, she screamed in pain for hours on end. My poor little empathetic heart broke. I was not allowed to go to her, but would endure listening to her. I would not leave the house. I would stand under her bedroom and wait. I am not sure what I was waiting for — except the cessation of her pain. When she was finally able to get around, she was not a happy woman — she was riddled with pain and drugs. She was bad tempered and not able to cope with the life she was living. We should have left the farm at that point, so that she did not have to go back to work to support the damned thing — but my father is an n and she is supply, and he wanted to farm.
At the age of 13 I was asked to write an ”˜autobiography’ for one of my school classes. I had a wonderful teacher that year; someone who showed compassion and who really tried to reach me. I remember discussing my autobiography with her when she returned them to the class. I had written about my life to the age of 8 or 9, and then from 12 onwards. I had skipped the years in between as ”˜I didn’t remember’ them.
Abuse
I ‘woke up’ at 14, and immediately started to club myself to sleep with drugs. I was emotionally and sexually used by the young men in our area. I met the son of one of them last week, and it brought shame to the surface. I looked back on all the boys I knew from the age of 13 on, and there was a lot of usery. I didn’t know that these boys were using me and my friends. I didn’t know that my feelings were indicators that another’s behaviour was bad for me (how could I stay in my house if I KNEW that), and I was innocent. I had no idea what they were up to. Just as I didn’t know what the spath was up to — as I had never run into that before either, and no one protected me with knowledge. Innocence isn’t lost. It is torn from us. Pulled out our souls, leaving great rivers of raw wounded feelings.
My parents didn’t do much to help me understand life. They didn’t give me the emotional tools or the notion of boundaries that would help me to take care of myself and make my way in the world. They yelled at me, they ignored me, and they smacked me every now and then. Most of the significant events of my early life were met with an emotional frigidness that left me feeling shamed and alien. My mother was supply, and was set on my sib and I being supply, too. Dad was an n. I did my best to fit in, and when I couldn’t, I took drugs. Lots of them. I also participated in my own abuse at the hands of others — some who were too young and dysfunctional themselves to really be held accountable. And I learned to hurt myself in many ways: emotionally, mentally and with the choices (non-choices) I made.
The spath and the gap
It was great to move out of home and BREATHE. I started to feel the beauty in the world that existed outside the dark dream and repression in my family. But I carried on making ill-informed choices. And all of these hurts and abuses piled up. They lead me to the other strong part of my personality — the woman who wants to run, the woman who would fight fist-to-cuffs, the woman who cries like a warrior on the outside and who holds a river of pain on the inside. I didn’t truly meet her until I was duped by the spath.
The ”˜gap’ is the person who bridges these two strong parts of my personality. I don’t know what to do for this part of me, for this part of my past, but I need to shine some light in that frozen dark dream space. It seems to be thawing, yet again, as I look in from the eyes of the child and the eyes of the warrior. The spath once called me a ”˜magnificent creature’. It was a deep compliment to me. She saw both this warrior and this child. She called the warrior out. The fake boy (child) she made up needed to be cared for. I need to care for myself, but I learned early and repeatedly to care for others — even if all I could do was stand frozen in the face of their suffering. I wasn’t taught autonomy — I am lucky that it is natural to my character, but I still have to fight all of the time to develop it and retain it. The spath got me to care for the fake boy — instead of myself. But in the end I have learned that I want to take care of myself at the expense of taking care of others. My eyes have been opened to what my family members are, and what they would still take from me if I allowed them to. It has been a hard, harsh lesson.
Athena, it took a while to get to the happy ending.
For a long time, I was driven by anger. I just didn’t want to let the SOB win.
But then, I had to let the anger go eventually. I realized that I was letting my past be more important than my present and my future. It had to be at the right time. The angry phase is really important in getting well.
On April 1, it was seven years since I threw him out of my life. Or rather, pushed him out the door and locked it, so I could have some alone time to figure out whether I wanted to live or die. They say your whole body turns over in seven years.
A few years ago, I almost died of septic shock related to some monster stones in both kidneys that I didn’t even know I had. One of the many health issues I faced in the wake of that horrible relationship. When I went into the operating room to have them pulverized with sonic waves, I told the doctor that I’d named them. When he asked what their names were, I told him they both had the same name — my ex-boyfriend’s. Over the next few days, as I excreted the dust along with the infection, I took a special pleasure in getting rid of it and getting better.
You just never know what’s going to turn into a win.
Kathy
Kathleen,
I loved this post of yours as well as one/joy’s – I had such similar experiences as a child in my own family. I just wanted you to know that every week or so I read your post that I printed out about being a ‘dolphin’ rather than a shark or a carp, I think it goes back to 2009… it has been a real source of inspiration and release when I’ve felt low so thank you so much for that. Recently I had been having so much lower back pain and hip pain, it’s been with me for this past year, all during the struggles to get clear of the unhealthy relationship. I had gotten away, am free now but your body still carries that residual ‘stuff’ as we all know. So I’d been getting out with new people and someone suggested an inexpensive and caring chiropractor in town who I went to and what a miracle worker! I feel like a new woman, she was even amazed at the transformation when I went in for week later checkup, did a few minor adjustments and it is so wonderful. My whole energy since I dropped the relationship and now this is like Mel’s table on another thread – feels like my true patina is getting polished and coming to the surface.
Don’t want to get off topic but I was so glad to see your post and your insights about how the person tapped into who you wanted to be – more selfish, more spontaneous, all those things you mentioned resonated – and I’ve known I needed to tap into the anger I’d left untouched inside as well. So much meat to it all and you and one/joy expressed it so well.
Hi persephone7, it’s nice to read your writing again. You sound really good.
That shark/carp/dolphin model continues to be helpful in my life too, and it keeps coming back to me from other people. A friend of mine who’s dealing with a new employer, someone who is trying to push the boundaries of their work agreement by getting more time and more work from her for less money, told me how she was handling it by “training” the new boss to understand that he was not dealing with a carp. No, she was not going to be emotionally blackmailed by their sob stories, or by their talking about being a “team player” when they really meant them taking more and giving less. No, she was not going to react to threats of being fired. She was going to do an excellent job of exactly what she was hired to do at the rate of payment they had agreed upon. If they had any problems with her performance within the terms of that agreement, she would be glad for the feedback and use the information to improve that performance. But otherwise, she was not open to renegotiating the terms of her employment to conditions that were less favorable to her.
It was, I thought, a really good job of “training” her new boss on who he was dealing with. And clarifying some important issues. Like, she intended to keep her word, and she expected him to do the same thing. Like, she had no problem pointing out boundary violations in their relationship. Like, she was not inclined to see things “his way” at the expense of taking care of herself.
Very dolphin behavior. She’d just as soon have a good relationship with this guy, and hope that all this early-stage arm wrestling is done soon. She enters every conversation with him with a friendly and collaborative tone and intent. But as long as he’s still trying to abuse the relationship, she’s prepared to stand her ground and do whatever’s necessary to enforce the employment terms she agreed to.
The interesting question to me, as the observer, if if this guy can stop acting like a shark. Does he have to win at all costs?
My friend has been advised by her therapist to be more manipulative, to look like she’s surrendering and then do what she pleases. (The therapist, to give him is due, is interested in minimizing the stress on her.) But she won’t do it. She says she’s tried that kind of behavior before, and it doesn’t work out. It muddles the relationship, because it’s essentially lying, and it makes her feel compromised and ashamed. One way or another, she intends to be honest, do what she said she’d do, and if it becomes clear that her boss is fundamentally untrustworthy, she’ll start looking for another job while she continues to build her reputation by doing good work there.
How’s that for being lucid? And also really adapting effectively to a threatening situation. It may not look like she’s adapting; she may seem rigid. But actually she’s continuing to work and feel okay about herself, while paying attention to what’s happening and what it means for her future, and adjusting her plans as she goes along.
She wasn’t always like this. She comes from one of the worst family backgrounds of anyone I know, and used to take everything that happened to her personally, assuming she was getting bad treatment because there was something wrong with her or because other people were fundamentally evil. Now, although she still gets those kind of emotional reactions, she moves through them pretty quickly, and gets down to dealing with what’s going on and if it’s good for her or not.
She’s put a lot of work into it. I’m so impressed. Sometimes it’s better than going to the movies to see people firm up in their identities, behavior and understanding of how self-care is both rational and ultimately a creative process, in terms of creating the future. Imagine the different future she would be creating if she’s given into to being exploited and abused.
Anyway, I’m babbling and should get back to work. To anyone who’s reading this and doesn’t know the shark/carp/dolphin model, here it is:
Sharks are addicted to winning.
Carps are addicted to being loved, and are food for sharks.
Dolphins are learning creatures, interpreting what’s happening and doing what’s necessary in various circumstances.
Because dolphins are friendly and peaceable when not threatened, sharks sometimes mistake them for carps and try to eat them. The fundamental strategy for dealing with sharks is tit for tat. That is, take exactly the same size bite out of the shark as the shark took out of the dolphin. Not more, not less. The objective is to teach the shark that it made a mistake in thinking that the dolphin was food, so that the shark makes the rational decision to swim away to look for easier prey.
The model came from my favorite book of all time, “Strategy of the Dolphin” by Dudley Lynch and Paul Kordis.
I’ve found the model very effective in dealing with all kinds of situations, not just with “sharks” but also in any situation where boundary issues rise. I also like it, because it literally forces me not to overreact. You can’t do tit for tat, if you’re really angry, because it requires a lot of control to return an equivalent nip that doesn’t escalate the situation, but just clarifies it. You also can’t do it if you’re feeling like a victim, or afraid that you won’t be loved if you stand up for yourself.
So it works, not only in training people in how you expect to be treated, but it also forces you to stand up straight and act as though you deserve to be treated better. And the more you do it, the better you get at it, eventually handling it so smoothly that it can include humor and warmth, if appropriate. How cool is that?
Okay, now I’m really going back to work.
Kathy
Hey Kathy and Persephone, good to see you two posting and especially about such a great topic. The Shark/carp/dolphin analogy is a great one.
Personally I am glad to be out of the having to work for a living aspects of dealing with all this…I swam with the sharks for decades and am glad to be retired now. Poverty comes with retirement in my case, but I think at this point in my life (age 65) I am more able to deal with the poverty than the stress of swimming with the sharks. LOL
Instead of focusing on what size bite to take out of the sharks, I can focus on healing my own injuries and recovering some of my health. Lately, the last six months, with the injuries I have sustained physically to my leg and the latest bought with the pneumonia and the upcoming bout with the parole board for my son Patrick’s upcoming parole hearing next year I have enough on my plate. I am glad I am not co-parenting with a psychopath or working for or with one….or even an ordinary shark! LOL
Taking things one day at a time I think is important for us and for us to LISTEN to our minds, hearts, and bodies and focus on doing the best we can in the circumstances we are in on THAT DAY.
I started my physical therapy routine today for my right leg and hope Ii am able to regain some function and strength in it. Of course I am not a patient person (medical personnel are not!) but just did my little exercises and didn’t over do. Turned my “spare bedroom” which was never used for that any more into a PT room/Library so now have a nice place to keep my stretch bands in and my step stool and stationary bike…so I’m off to the races, taking care of ME! Putting ME first! And, BTW I am back on my “nutritional plan”—trying to lose some more weight. I am doing great on the low sodium diet and had my head really swelled the other day when I cooked a cajon dish sans all sodium that my son said was SUPERIOR to the BEST cajon dishes produced by our friend who is an AWESOME South Louisiana Cook! Talk about my head swelling! He didn’t even add a sprinkle of salt to it!
Son D is off to the Boy Scout camp for the summer and I’ll be here in the woods by myself, but feel confident that all will go well. Got two barking dogs outside and armament inside and/or on my person so don’t feel at risk for anything. Actually feeling better than I have since I hurt my leg Friday the 13th in January.
Enjoying the small pleasures in life whether it is the coming of spring, or a good dish, or a good night’s sleep, or a cup of coffee shared with a friend or loved one…savor those moments! They are what make life wonderful…and living a good, peaceful, honest, up front life is the best revenge we can have against the sharks!
What happened to my post?
Kathleen
I do relate to what you said….when you said you were trying to decide if you wanted to live or die. I was reading some old messages i sent my spath, where i made it clear how much pain he was causing me, and i said i wish i could die.
Of course, thats what he wanted.
If somebody told me, or you, that something we were doing made them want to DIE, you know how horrified we would be?
That gap…thats the essence of a spath.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Athena
hi athena – not sure about your use of ‘the gap’ in the post right above. what i was writing about was the part of me – lost or hidden or both – that the spath was trying to abuse. ‘the gap’ is not about the spath. can you tell me how you have just used it? thanks.
i would be mortifited if someone told me i was causing them that much pain. it would literally make me sick. that’s a really really good reality check!
kathy hawk – ‘And I came to think that he offered me a version of me that was who I wished I was. More fun-loving, more selfish about taking care of myself, more spontaneous, less tied down with personal obligations and all the anticipation I did of other people’s needs. It was freedom from all the drag of anxious codependency that I’d developed to deal with my own family background.’
it was the same for me. i am going to write a list of ‘his’ qualities, and take a look at what better version of me she offered up. i relate to most of your list, but i will probably find a few others, also.
we could save the world from most evil if we could figure out how to take their flashlights away from them!
my sib, n as far as I know, and not spath – has a similar faculty; she can see a person’s Achilles heal in about 20 minutes, and then use it to be mean to them. She doesn’t really seem to try to exploit people (stealing emos or money or time) like the spath did (although my n dad does, to some extent…haha, i said to ‘some’ extent. sometimes i forget that he stole a quarter of a million dollars from me…de-ni-alllll), she just wants to dominate them and make sure they stay in the place she has decided is a safe/ good distance from her scared and lofty self. In addition to being an n she is an emo train wreck, and has been most of my life. i don’t know wtf happened to her – there was something in her environment that really affected her (bad things done, and she did live in the same crap household i did), and then later in life she had injurious chemical exposures that just sealed her in a very bad mind set.
i feel for her. if a few things had gone a different direction – she would not be who she is. not that i am going to hang with her, but my compassion for her does exist. we all got the short end of the stick, and her n traits were not as bad before she got really physically ill.
i must be a bit off my nut tonight – i keep writing one thing and then remembering another! pretty much most of my life she has been mean to me. we have had very little contact as i lived far away. she is demanding, un-kind and grandiose about her own intelligence. she is also smart, maybe a bit brain damaged, physically ill, has wonderful taste, is a good bargainer, has a voracious appetite for information, a good cook, very discerning about any kind of goods…and is a nightmare of a hoarder.
she is a bully who moderated an anti-bullying website for students. i don’t know if she bullied her students or not – she’s twisted, and i am sure some of her words to them have been very inappropriate, but i have been in her class with her and the students seemed relaxed and they respected her. (she was a highschool teacher)
mind you – she did teach an esl course (outside of the school system) and when she was 30 something, started an affair with a student half her age….
flip
flop
her fiance died when she was 23, and she ran around the world to all our relatives, and finally ended up in my apt – overdosed on my couch. i almost smacked her back into consciousness. I was SO mad at her. He was her ‘only’ – and she is still mourning him…30 some years later. i think he was her tether. and now she is untethered.
she is a thousand tiny bits inside her. when i helped her move a rug a few years ago, i picked up all the empty plastic bags and shoved them into one bag. she melted down, because i displaced her plastic bags, that are strewn everywhere…she was in bits. i don’t think it was a con – i think she is that attached.
i have been back here for about 8 years. haven’t spoken to her in almost 3 – but in those 5 years, the pile in her house got deeper and deeper and deeper. she did try to claw out from under it for a short while, but she got overwhelmed again, and lost the battle. she won’t see anyone – (mind you she also had a sexual relationship with her shrink) because she thinks she is smarter than everyone else and therefore they can be of no help to her.
she was diagnosed as bi-polar decades ago. I think she may have a mental illness, on top of being disordered and traumatized. she drinks and eats and harms herself with both. she is also very flirtatious, coquettish, when it suits her. mostly she is mean, demanding, selfish, spiteful and fragile.
i wish she wasn’t.
one/joy/ aka diamond mind,
I always see “Women Who Run With the Wolves” in second hand bookshops. I owned the book for ten years before I read it in any depth. Right after the spath. I’ve now read it so often it’s flows through my blood. I’m glad you know it. The last chapter called “Initiation Into the Underground Forest” played a crucial part in my healing and in moving forward. It’s a working chapter pertaining to the story of “the Handless Maiden”, and it’s divided into stages that you are meant to study at your own pace – daily, weekly, monthly, whatever. It involves “descent.” The act of descending opens your eyes to things you cldn’t see before…such as a gap. I saw my gap. It took me a year and a half but I found it. The chapter starts with reclaiming your instinct and explains “the bargain without knowing.” On the whole, it puts back together the past, I think. It’s for women who were interrupted during crucial development stages. They don’t have “The Mother Songs” at the library so I’ll have to buy it. I like the look and sound of it. Art has never failed to be a true consolation.
“Willful and bad”? Not willful and bad, I don’t believe it. You’re fighting for your life. Willing (“Ready, eager, or prepared to do something.”) and self-respecting (“Due respect for oneself, one’s character, and one’s conduct.”)
Kathleen, almost dying from septic shock after the spath – wow. Both physically and figuratively, I imagine. I dig the dolphin/shark model – v. interesting.
Athena, gap is too small a word, but I know what you’re saying. I used to refer to that differential as the Grand Canyon. Oh, that question. I used the “if I told you this was killing me, wld you stop?” version with my parents. When they didn’t answer, I assumed they were too ashamed to answer but that my just asking the question would cause them to reflect honestly and change. It didn’t. In fact, I think they were embarassed by my showing vulnerability. Not only embarassed actually, but annoyed.
One joy,
Sorry, I didn’t mean to twist or provide confusion.
I was just alluding to the CHASM or the GAP that exists between conscious and unconscious, good and evil, fantasy and reality. That’s all.
Parallelogram, wow, interesting thing you did. Embarassed? Annoyed? Indifferent?
Athena