By | October 21, 2007 45 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My ex-wife, the sociopath

Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a Lovefraud reader.

I believe my soon to be ex-wife is a sociopath (Sp). I was the recent victim of an evil plot to move my family to Washington from Texas, but two and a half months before the big move, with my house sold, I caught her, the Sp, in Washington with another guy looking for property, through a series of intercepted emails. This was one of two trips the Sp had taken, lying about the trip, saying she was going on a job interview.

After I confronted her about the infidelity, I filed for divorce and took it upon myself to avoid any further confrontation with the Sp. I vacated the house and set up a visitation schedule with my children until we could get legal custody from the courts. Seven days into my being away from my home, the Sp invites the boyfriend from the Washington trips over to stay the night with my children present in my home for three consecutive nights.

Upon hearing about this news of a stranger in my house from my neighbors, I returned home after consulting with my lawyer. The Sp was not thrilled about my return because the boyfriend was not able to visit. Six days after returning home, the Sp files a false assault charge and I was removed from my home by the courts temporarily for eight days. Later the courts would find the charges false and I was able to return home to possibly the most uncomfortable three months with my spouse, asking the SP about what she had done, the trips to Washington, the false charge, the strange guy, looking for property. She responded by saying nothing, giving no explanation, with no emotion, no sorrow, no empathy, and no facial expression.

Looking into the past

Lacking any information on what had happened to my 10-year marriage in 15 days, I decided to take a look into the past. (Wait for the book; I am a computer expert and I will teach you how I stole both their identities and figured out everything.) I went through my phone records and saw that she had been possibly dating this person for eight months prior to my filing for divorce, or since my youngest son was four months old.

Not sure if my new son shared any of my DNA, I took him and my 5-year-old to get a paternity test. It turns out that my 5-year-old was missing the DNA, not the 1-year-old. So four years into my marriage, my Sp gives birth to my beautiful son who has none of my DNA, but she carries on a normal life, lying to two different families and over 300 people about my son’s true identity.

I received the missing DNA report two days before we go to court to get temporary orders. The Sp lies so much about what had transpired in our home that I am only granted 25% visitation of my children, but the previous evening we agreed on 50/50 custody. At this point we were living together most uncomfortably for three months waiting on the temporary orders from court. The day of the court orders, the Sp moves my children out of my home into an apartment with the Washington trip boyfriend, who I later discover is a mental patient of the Sp’s. (I swear this is all true.) She was working at the time in May on her Psy.D. internship in a Texas Hospital. The Sp is currently under investigation by a huge Texas University on the allegation of living with her patient.

Son coached to lie

Upon visiting with my children, my 5-year-old son would, out of the blue, tell me that there was no one living in the apartment but him, his little brother and his mother, but having knowledge of diligent surveillance that was in its third month, I knew different. The Sp continues to coach my older son to lie, as she stated in her declarations that she would be living alone each and every day as we get closer to an upcoming court date in Nov. I have tried countless times to talk to the Sp, that she is so wrong in what she has done and is doing to my children, yet she does not see the errors in her ways.

I have completely given up talking to the Sp, for each conversation, as simple as “stop teaching my son to lie to his father,” falls on deaf ears. The Sp had planned this divorce years in advance, the move to Washington the day her internship ended, perhaps finally disclosing to me my son’s DNA shortcomings, starting a new life with her patient, avoiding any fallout with her parents over this carnage, adding to the fact that she is now an accredited psychologist. She has now gone to great lengths to riddle court documentation with premeditated observations gathered over an eight-month period, with added Psych text book material showing how the mother is better suited to take care of a 15-month-old.

My Sp is quite possibly the most brilliant and vicious person I have ever met, and the documentation she had created for court is most devastating. I must say I am very, very impressed. Although I am unhappy with the fact that my Sp moved my children right from my home into an apartment with a guy; I kind’a believe she should have waited a while as to get the kids used to the fact that Dad is not here everyday and I am very disappointed that she is coaching my boys to lie to me, which I believe is very damaging.

Marriage doomed

A few positive things (if you can say that) was first, my sociopath knew our marriage was doomed since 2002 after giving birth to my beautiful son who shares none of my DNA. He would have been, in her mind, something of a ticking time bomb that would eventually come to light. She just simply waited a few years to finish her degree and found this patient guy and tried to move us all to Washington. My Sp had to keep me somewhat happy, thinking our marriage was, well, okay, I guess would be a good word. All this carnage I describe was sub-level; meaning no one saw it coming, not me, not our parents, not the kids, not our friends. There was absolutely no signs and NO fighting, ever! It was like ”¦ BAM, I caught you cheating and looking for property ((Divorce Please)). The kids would see no carnage, just one day their dad was here every day, the next day he was not.

Second, I was able to catch some of this carnage before it happened and foiled the plan to move us all to Washington and she is now stuck in Texas. But I am sure she won’t give up that dream. I bet I will be back in court in a few years trying to put a stop to that.

Third, if my boys ever read this story and figure out it’s a story about them, I just want you guys to know I tried everything to get 50% custody cuz I love you guys sooooooooooo much. I had financial assistance from both my parents and the sociopath’s parents, who were all so devoted to helping me gain custody and we spent a ton of money in the process. The sociopath’s parents have also disowned her and I even took her place in their will. It was just an impossible task for a man going up against a woman in court who was both a psychologist and a sociopath.

Paternity test

Note: For any married guys who may think they want to get a paternity test, I will let you know in advance that there really is no reason to. As I stated, I caught my wife cheating so close to the birth of my second son, and when the trail of their affair ran dry four months after the birth of my son, it made sense at the time to check his DNA. But what exactly would that do for me? He’s 10 months old, he’s great, I love him, I was there when he was born, my name is on his birth certificate, and in the court’s mind he is mine and I will be required to pay child support.

For me, at the time it seemed, as a guy, I just wanted to know ”¦ for sure! ”¦ that he was in fact mine and my blood line would continue. As you see I did find out that my oldest son did in fact share none of my DNA, which broke my heart. I was hurt and angry at my wife and sad for my son. I was sad because I quickly realized that one day I would need to tell him that I was not his bio father and we would both have something of an identity crisis for something the both of us had nothing to do with. Nice job, sociopath.

It’s been a little over two months since I discovered the missing DNA, and honestly, besides the future identity crisis, which I dread, nothing has changed, with the exception that I only have 25% of my boys due to the fact that my youngest is 15 months old and the Sp put up such a fight to keep them from me. I want nothing more, now that I know the DNA shortcomings, but to build the greatest bond with my oldest son that has ever been so he knows that I love him, no matter what his mother did during our marriage, and that I am his father and he is my son and always will be. My buddies joke about the DNA results because my son is quite beautiful and that perhaps he is lucky to not share my DNA. (Where would you be with out your buddies?)

I have nicknamed him “Handsome Rob” (his name is not Rob), which I have been calling him for years. It was Jason Statham’s name I stole from the movie The Italian Job, and it somehow just stuck and I have been calling him that ever since. I always ask, even before the DNA report and still today, “How come you are so handsome?” and he replies, “because you’re handsome.”

I have no advice for anyone who crosses paths with a sociopath, just that I wish you luck. -M

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Fleeced Ewe

Hello, -M
I’m so sorry. 🙁
One day I will write my story as well. For now, I am still piecing my life together to get a “world view” of what really happened. I’m still stunned and it was 7 years ago that I ended our 20 year marriage.
I have met more women than men, who have been fleeced by a wolf-
Thank you for sharing your life with us because we all need to know. And all I kept thinking was, “Strange that the selfish b*&$h didn’t have an abortion behind your back.”
God has given you enough love to cover her lack of it for your children!
Hugs and best wishes (aren’t you glad you know now?)


My story is almost identical. Affairs, no empathy, trying to drag the family across country with her for her needs, moving for a man, lies to the court. These people are so sick. It’s not just the men out there, woman have the psychopathic potential, believe me, I have lived it, and it doesn’t seem to ever end when children are involved. I highly believe she coaches my children to lie to me, mostly for the upcoming custody hearing.


Mine to I am a student and my ex boyfriend and I dated fr three months. He cheated on me with one of my friends that was going through problems on purpose and told people I was a bad girlfriend to hurt me. He stayed playing on the computer.

I want to cry he wanted to take my family away he said I don’t deserve them o my life. He tried choking me once. I don’t know what to do he got mad because the girl he left me for treated him bad and wanted me to take him back.

He lied o people at school and aid he was doing a study on me and they believed him


bgurl – do you have the support of your family, are you living with them? have you talked to them? do they know what he is like?

physical violence is illegal, and you need to make a report to the police, with the help of your family, if you have their support if not, is their a counselor at school, or a favourite teacher you could speak to? Does your school have a anti bullying initiative? Where can you get some help? What about a domestic violence shelter or woman’s group? You need to not be isolated with this. I am so glad you posted here.

you need to stop all contact with this guy. i know that you may run in to him if he is at school with you, but block his phone number, his email, his texts if you still have any contact with him.

you truly cannot change what others think – the people at school will either see through him or not. i know its really painful – but you have to ignore it and focus on yourself.

school won’t last forever and you will be able to move away from all of this, move on in your life.

if you tell us a bit more about your current situation we can offer more concrete ideas that may help you through this. okay?

one step

Ox Drover

Dear Bgurl,

Talk to a counselor at school, your parents and stay away from this boyfriend. If he will choke you now, he will do worse later. Do what you have to do to be safe from him.

How old are you? One_step is right, knowing that may help us be able to give you better ideas for help. Keep SAFE!


Dear M,

I’m so sorry that you had to go through so much pain from the involvement with a spath. It broke my heart to hear how sincerely you love your children, yet it gave me hope that there are truely loving men in the world.

It turns out we get a little jaded from this experience, wonder why that is! My heart goes out to you and your sons, they are blessed to have you for a father.

Why do women get away with this in court? As a rule, any kind of spath has the gift of language. They bend and manipulate it to suit their messed up goals. If they have above average intelligence, look out, we are toast!

I was lucky that spath couldn’t prove that I was crazy, if it were the good ‘ole days I’d be in the white jacket talking to myself and drooling. Your disordered spath will continue to try and wreak havok in your life, just hold your head up and be the loving, caring man you are for your beautiful sons. Thanks for sharing your story!

Ox Drover

Dear Hope4joy,

How are things with you going, dear? I hope you are standing strong and he isn’t making your days living hell. Keep your ADAMANT on, and wear it like a shield! (((hugs))))

Ox Drover

Dear M,

Thanks for sharing this article with us. Sorry you have had such a horrible time with this woman. (I got side tracked by my post to Bgurl)

Your continued love for your sons (both of them) shows to me what a caring and loving father that you are. I have also come to realize that “blood relationships” are NOT what makes a parent/child relationship either. My own biological sons are less than what I would wish as men, and one a flaming full-fledged psychopath in prison for murder. My adopted son is a wonderful young man and one of my closest friends, trustworthy and dependable, kind and caring. There was a time I wished he was my biological son, but frankly, I am glad he is NOT my biological son, given the numerous psychopaths in my genetic background.

It seems obvious to me from your story that your “wife” has never truly been your “wife’ but has been using you as a cover, and no doubt will continue to use the BEST CHIP she has in the “game” (your kids) against you to the best of her ability.

While the DNA test didn’t really prove that much about your son, it DID prove a great deal about your “wife”—and that SHE WAS NOT YOUR WIFE in the true sense of the word. Your SON is STILL your son, regardless of the DNA, but NOW YOU KNOW what SHE IS, and knowing that for a FACT I think will at least be helpful to you emotionally if no other way.

Yes, I imagine you WILL have to have the “identity crisis” with your son at some time, but my guess is that with the caring father that I think you are, I don’t think it will be any big deal!

Thanks again for sharing. We need to hear more from men on LF because psychopathy is NOT just a “male thing” but our numbers of bloggers are definitely top heavy with female posters. We defintely appreiate the few males we have here.


My friend’s ex wife, is a socio-path and has pulled all the same crap. She coached his step daughter to lie and make false accusations against him for which he was wrongfully incarcerated for when in fact he has a police report showing that she was the aggressor. she was arrested for domestic violence and in the police report it states that, “She threw wine into defendant’s face, then struck him on his right cheek, pulled the phone out of the wall and smashed the front window” A psyche eval was done that states there are findings against her “to warrant mental health treatment” and that she “would benefit from further assessment in the area of personality”…She had a order of protection against him and yet she’s stalking him. He’s moved on and she just continues to harass him. i think your situation is going to get a lot worse



Ox Drover

Dear Need help

PLEASE HIT THE EDIT BUTTON and remove your phone number and e mail address. Donna will remove them anyway. It is NOT SAFE TO POST THEM here or anywhere really.

As for the help…it appears your girl friend HAS ALREADY ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP….at least with you, so as far as your child is concerned, I would contact an attorney and find out what your rights are in your state. You can usually be allowed visitation whether she likes it or not.

Whether she is a psychopath or not does not matter….as far as your relationship with her goes, even if she is not a psychopath she has obviously set a boundary that she does not want you to cross….she is out of your life (moved out)

I suggest that you accept that, and focus on healing yourself and forming a relationship with your child.

There is lots of good information here on Love fraud and I would suggest you read it and inform yourself about personality disordered people and also about healing when we have been betrayed. Also Dr. Liane Leedom has a website linked to Love Fraud about parenting the at risk child. I suggest you get on there too to find out about how to parent a child in situations such as yours. Good luck and God bless.


Oxy. Time to garden.


that name and number is posted all over the internet already… David is looking to hire for several positions. right David?


I need a new gardener…call br-549

Ox Drover

Okay, sorry guys I got scammed….lol I figured it was some sort of troll, but wan’t going to confront it til I saw more…did report it to Donna even before I responded to it….seems they tend to hit on the weekends when she is less likely to be around.

I’ve been scanning photographs all day….my leg is bothering me again so I’m having a mostly sit down day and am on my usual winter time jag of ORGANIZING something, and this year the family photographs is the project. Making copies of everything and divying up the originals with my husband’s kids….tossing out a lot too. Who needs photos of every cow they ever owned? from all 4 directions? LOL enough is enough….LOL

So guess this is the winter time equivalent of gardening, huh? Thanks for the heads up. I think I’lll go put on my red silk choir robe kaftan!


who says you got scammed?
Your answer was perfect. We can’t make assumptions, right? And we’d like to have compassion for everyone. your answer fit the question. That’s all.

The trolls come in different shapes and sizes. We will eventually out them all.


As long as you didn’t call him or mail him, I don’t consider you got scammed, Oxy. You didn’t feed him. 🙂


The biggest concern I have about clicking on emails/websites like that is getting a computer virus.


Oh my gosh, I am STILL so naive! I saw this last night and thought this guy was truthful and reaching out, but just dumb about how he did it.

Great, I see I have a lot more to work on. Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to give advice here yet.

Tobehappy, even though I’m clearly naive (especially about the Internet), I still mean my words and advice, whether it be right or wrong, from my heart and my head.

Oxy, I think I need to get back to reading more and commenting less. These trolls make me feel stupid.


woundlicker, usually the horrible spelling is a give away. There’s no need to feel dumb over it. Happens to everyone. Had it happen to me too. You’ll grow accustomed though to patterns after a while: both on people who come with genuine pleas for help. Then suddenly, there is one who feels different to that normal pattern. More often than not, that turns out to be a troll, and over time you learn to see a pattern in that too:

horrible spelling, run on sentences, word salad, you feel it takes a lot of energy to just read 2 lines, doing something what nobody else would do… when you catch yourself reading and finding it very difficult to keep reading, as if you need to concentrate really hard… that usually is a red flag for me.

Sometimes trolls appear with better spelling and writing abilities, but you’ll find out soon when talking to them that they start to accuse you of all sorts of things, are just out to make you look bad: blaming, pity-me, etc…

Just watch when a regular here posts a comment about gardening in response to a “strange” post. It’s an alert signal.

Ox Drover

Well, I thought at the time if he/it was “legitimate” that my answer would be reasonable….if he was looking for victims (by posting the web and the phone number) I did not click on the web site even out of curiosity and sure wasn’t gonna call the number! LOL But also wanted to alert any newbies out there to NOT call or click either. Plus I notified donna via the “report abusive comment” link that someone had posted something that was unacceptable….but it seems they tend to do it more on weekends when she might not be around to take “instant” action.

Anyway, I didn’t instantly see “for sure” it was a scam, it could have been some poor soul in distress.

Did you notice though the bad grammar and words incorrectly spelled, and THAT made me wonder, not because the person used bad grammar but because the bad grammar seemed Some how “CONTRIVED.”


Darwinsmom, thank you on the heads up on the gardening response. I was wondering what that was about. Good to know. And yes, that was a difficult post to read. Should’ve known.


For me the red flags about a troll is in the way they tell their story. They gloss over details but they make sure that all the elements are there. They will say, “I was cheated on and lied to by my spath” but the details are vague. There might be one or two attempts to create drama in a story but the details don’t add up or are “over the top”.

What I see and FEEL is that rather than trying to explain a story, the troll will really come here to create drama WITHIN our community.

Remember, spaths need to feed. If you feel a sense of drama and urgency, it’s probably a spath making you feel that way.



Yes, the biggest red flag for me is the way they tell the story.

Spaths do not know real human emotion.

It doesn’t take much to see it if you’re paying attention.

There have been a couple on here recently.




That’s another good sign I think. The sense of urgency (“must be helped NOW”) and dramatic feel of it, makes it feel less of a story, but more like being pressured. And isn’t it pressure that spaths use to desensitize our intuition, to not make us stop and feel something’s off. My ex-spath used that all the time, not wanting to give me time to get my head around what was happening.

I’m starting to instinctively step back when I feel pressure and instead take a moment to realize how I feel about it.


The biggest red flag for me looks like it has been removed along with the phone #.
Said something like “will compensate for your time” ???

What did anyone else think of this remark?

Wow, what a story. I am nervous to think, yet again, that this type of a person has a license to give therapy. Makes me weary of any therapist.

I also wonder about the biological father of the boy. He deserves to know that he has a son–unless he does know and is himself messed up and glad to be out of child support duties.

The man who wrote this post sounds like an amazing father and I bet he was a good husband. I don’t know what happened in that marriage, but the tone of his voice is very calm, collected, and compassionate, despite his horrible situation.

I’m sending a hug and some positive energy from Germany. I don’t know how to help, but I do hope this situation with the children turns out okay in the end.


it looks like temptation. Something that the devil would do.

It’s a temptation to be a rescuer and at the same time an offer of money shows that you are valued for your rescuing expertise. That’s a love bomb in disguise.


witsend, it felt totally inapropriate. Those were the first thoughts I had when I read it.


Wow….I took it from a bit different perspective.

Just as the “story” lacked true emotion behind the words…

The “compensation” remark stood out & had the biggest impact on me from the entire post.

As if the poster behind this post didn’t understand on any level what a support group even was. Socially inadequate to relate to this kind of forum.

I almost felt sick in my gut? Not sure why. It did feel almost evil. Maybe that is why I had a somewhat physical response to it.
I certainly like getting others perspectives. Sky I have always specifically enjoyed your thoughts on these things….


witsend, for me the “inapropriate” thought was about what you described. It was a total inappropriate proposal in a cyberspace self-help-group. I don’t mean that morally, but on social levels. So, true, and fully agree, it shows a lack of understanding what a support group is. It shows that the mind behind the post only can imagine people helping out in exchange for money or other stuff.


Thanks Witty,

I’ve come to see that the spaths’ cry for help is his way of making us shoulder responsibility. They love to see us become enablers, so they throw out a wide net and see who jumps in. My spath did this to me and when I stopped responding, he recruited others to beg for my help, just so they could laugh to see how much I liked being helpful.

Now I know how much of an enabler I’ve always been.

But there’s a deeper level even, than that. The spath is appealing to our strengths, not to our weakness. He knows that we feel strong enough to bear another person’s burdens. It is that feeling of strength that they envy in us and they are determined to pile on the responsibilities until we finally break. That’s why they ask for more and more even when they’ve bankrupted us financially, physically and emotionally.

My spath had (or still has) a plan to get another helicopter from a millionaire he knows. First step is to get the millionaire to buy himself a new one so that spath can have his old one. (it’s not very old).

One day, Spath came home bragging that he had talked S, into buying a new helicopter.

He said, “I told S, you want a new helicopter don’t you? and S said yes… then I said, you’re a multi-millionaire so you can afford it right? and S said, yes, then I said, it’s nothing for you to buy a new helicopter, S, so why don’t you just go buy yourself what you really want? And S said, you’re right, I can. I will. Then last week, S and D went down to California and bought a new helicopter.”

Spath appealed to S’s perception of his strength, his wealth, in the same way that the devil tempted Jesus in the desert. “You’re God, right? You can turn those rocks into loaves of bread right? You can jump from a cliff and not get hurt, right? You can rule over all those magnificent cities, right? Just sign here…”


Hi Witty…When I first read that plea for help I figured it was (spam) or (scam) but I tend to not trust anybody anymore, and I do tend to be judgemental so I waited for someone else to chime in.. I am waiting on that person to come back and tell us how hurt they are at our responses. Good to see you Witty ~! I wanted to comment to your post the other day but you seemed so emotionally raw..I think what you suspected of your xspath all those year’s ago at the rest area is spot on correct..I am so sorry he did that to you, it was a very low thing, but so is he….


Yes inappropriate is the perfect word! I struggled for a moment trying to find the right wording….And came up with socially inadequate. LOL

I struggle with words to “fit” what I am trying to say all the time! I am just NOT good with words and always know what I want to say in my head….But falter when trying to post them on “paper”.
I think you and I were saying the same thing 🙂


I did actually laugh out loud when I saw your post about needing a new gardener. This is why we all love you around here so much. Love, love love your sense of humor.

How ARE you? Doing well I hope.


witty, it’s good to know you still get a chuckle out of my oneliner’s.
Witty I am doing just fine, thanks for asking….now I could find plenty to complain about but I wont today – maybe tomorrow…hug


When I first saw that post by the “help me” dude, my first thought was… do we know THAT’s not the spath and the wife is trying to get away? Didn’t seem like a normal LF post. But anyway, I suck at gardening, so I usually let the more seasoned spathinators make the call.


Although I do get a gut reaction, I’m no good at listening to it either, so in that sense, I suck at gardening too. My upbringing did not instill boundaries, I never even knew what they were until recently.

The only defense I have against spaths and trolls is to analyze them. If anything they are doing, even remotely looks like something my spath did, then I figure it’s a spath.

That’s the one good thing I got from my 25 years in hell. I know what the devil looks like.


I have missed our “chats”.
You have always dug really deep to try and understand this disorder and understand the person behind the disorder. Why they do the things they do.

This was always something important to me to….The deeper understanding. Knowing what makes them tick & how that relates back to us.



I thought your word choice was perfect, lol. When I thought of it, I thought… hmmm, inapropriate might be considered in a moral way, instead of the social way… blamed other native language, lol 🙂


Well it looks like I missed some excitement as the post has apparently been removed.

I think if we get to the “root” of it, it helps us all. I posted something on here a few days ago that said, from Psychology today, that often times a person will have three (3) PD’s simultaneously. I’m not sure why that’s the case.

But I think that helps us understand why there are so many “flavors”.

I’ve read about all I can about skylar’s spath, all I can figure out is “SPATH”.

My spath was SCHIZOID, SCHIZOPHRENIC and SPATH. That’s my non-clinical unprofessional but well studied opinion.

I’m sure there are so many other combinations.


When you said “how that relates back to us”, I agree, that’s where the learning starts. How did the spath affect me? Why was I victimized? What can I learn about ME? I was in a deep depression for two years or more thinking there was something WRONG WITH ME because my SPATH DIDNT LOVE ME BACK. How crazy was that? If I had boundaries worth anything I woulda just walked away.



Help! I seem to have trouble posting… It says my posts are spam!


New try:

athena, I found your comment about the combination of simultaneous PD’s interesting. I looked up the several type of PD’s on wiki. There are 10, of which the ones we usually talk about (malignant incurable ones) are of the cluster B.

What interested me in your post though was that you classified of schizophrenia as a PD. My cousin had schizophrenia. So, it’s important to me to understand. I thought it was another type of disorder, but not a PD?



I know you were addressing athena, but I thought you might be interested in this link that ties them together.


Thanks for the link and answer, Sky. I understand a bit better now.

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