Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a Lovefraud reader about his ex-wife, a sociopath.
I believe my soon to be ex-wife is a sociopath (Sp). I was the recent victim of an evil plot to move my family to Washington from Texas, but two and a half months before the big move, with my house sold, I caught her, the Sp, in Washington with another guy looking for property, through a series of intercepted emails. This was one of two trips the Sp had taken, lying about the trip, saying she was going on a job interview.
After I confronted her about the infidelity, I filed for divorce and took it upon myself to avoid any further confrontation with the Sp. I vacated the house and set up a visitation schedule with my children until we could get legal custody from the courts. Seven days into my being away from my home, the Sp invites the boyfriend from the Washington trips over to stay the night with my children present in my home for three consecutive nights.
Upon hearing about this news of a stranger in my house from my neighbors, I returned home after consulting with my lawyer. The Sp was not thrilled about my return because the boyfriend was not able to visit. Six days after returning home, the Sp files a false assault charge and I was removed from my home by the courts temporarily for eight days. Later the courts would find the charges false and I was able to return home to possibly the most uncomfortable three months with my spouse, asking the SP about what she had done, the trips to Washington, the false charge, the strange guy, looking for property. She responded by saying nothing, giving no explanation, with no emotion, no sorrow, no empathy, and no facial expression.
Looking into the past
Lacking any information on what had happened to my 10-year marriage in 15 days, I decided to take a look into the past. (Wait for the book; I am a computer expert and I will teach you how I stole both their identities and figured out everything.) I went through my phone records and saw that she had been possibly dating this person for eight months prior to my filing for divorce, or since my youngest son was four months old.
Not sure if my new son shared any of my DNA, I took him and my 5-year-old to get a paternity test. It turns out that my 5-year-old was missing the DNA, not the 1-year-old. So four years into my marriage, my Sp gives birth to my beautiful son who has none of my DNA, but she carries on a normal life, lying to two different families and over 300 people about my son’s true identity.
I received the missing DNA report two days before we go to court to get temporary orders. The Sp lies so much about what had transpired in our home that I am only granted 25% visitation of my children, but the previous evening we agreed on 50/50 custody. At this point we were living together most uncomfortably for three months waiting on the temporary orders from court. The day of the court orders, the Sp moves my children out of my home into an apartment with the Washington trip boyfriend, who I later discover is a mental patient of the Sp’s. (I swear this is all true.) She was working at the time in May on her Psy.D. internship in a Texas Hospital. The Sp is currently under investigation by a huge Texas University on the allegation of living with her patient.
Son coached to lie
Upon visiting with my children, my 5-year-old son would, out of the blue, tell me that there was no one living in the apartment but him, his little brother and his mother, but having knowledge of diligent surveillance that was in its third month, I knew different. The Sp continues to coach my older son to lie, as she stated in her declarations that she would be living alone each and every day as we get closer to an upcoming court date in Nov. I have tried countless times to talk to the Sp, that she is so wrong in what she has done and is doing to my children, yet she does not see the errors in her ways.
I have completely given up talking to the Sp, for each conversation, as simple as “stop teaching my son to lie to his father,” falls on deaf ears. The Sp had planned this divorce years in advance, the move to Washington the day her internship ended, perhaps finally disclosing to me my son’s DNA shortcomings, starting a new life with her patient, avoiding any fallout with her parents over this carnage, adding to the fact that she is now an accredited psychologist. She has now gone to great lengths to riddle court documentation with premeditated observations gathered over an eight-month period, with added Psych text book material showing how the mother is better suited to take care of a 15-month-old.
My Sp is quite possibly the most brilliant and vicious person I have ever met, and the documentation she had created for court is most devastating. I must say I am very, very impressed. Although I am unhappy with the fact that my Sp moved my children right from my home into an apartment with a guy; I kind’a believe she should have waited a while as to get the kids used to the fact that Dad is not here everyday and I am very disappointed that she is coaching my boys to lie to me, which I believe is very damaging.
Marriage doomed
A few positive things (if you can say that) was first, my sociopath knew our marriage was doomed since 2002 after giving birth to my beautiful son who shares none of my DNA. He would have been, in her mind, something of a ticking time bomb that would eventually come to light. She just simply waited a few years to finish her degree and found this patient guy and tried to move us all to Washington. My Sp had to keep me somewhat happy, thinking our marriage was, well, okay, I guess would be a good word. All this carnage I describe was sub-level; meaning no one saw it coming, not me, not our parents, not the kids, not our friends. There was absolutely no signs and NO fighting, ever! It was like — BAM — I caught you cheating and looking for property ((Divorce Please)). The kids would see no carnage, just one day their dad was here every day, the next day he was not.
Second, I was able to catch some of this carnage before it happened and foiled the plan to move us all to Washington and she is now stuck in Texas. But I am sure she won’t give up that dream. I bet I will be back in court in a few years trying to put a stop to that.
Third, if my boys ever read this story and figure out it’s a story about them, I just want you guys to know I tried everything to get 50% custody cuz I love you guys sooooooooooo much. I had financial assistance from both my parents and the sociopath’s parents, who were all so devoted to helping me gain custody and we spent a ton of money in the process. The sociopath’s parents have also disowned her and I even took her place in their will. It was just an impossible task for a man going up against a woman in court who was both a psychologist and a sociopath.
Paternity test
Note: For any married guys who may think they want to get a paternity test, I will let you know in advance that there really is no reason to. As I stated, I caught my wife cheating so close to the birth of my second son, and when the trail of their affair ran dry four months after the birth of my son, it made sense at the time to check his DNA. But what exactly would that do for me? He’s 10 months old, he’s great, I love him, I was there when he was born, my name is on his birth certificate, and in the court’s mind he is mine and I will be required to pay child support.
For me, at the time it seemed, as a guy, I just wanted to know — for sure! — that he was in fact mine and my blood line would continue. As you see I did find out that my oldest son did in fact share none of my DNA, which broke my heart. I was hurt and angry at my wife and sad for my son. I was sad because I quickly realized that one day I would need to tell him that I was not his bio father and we would both have something of an identity crisis for something the both of us had nothing to do with. Nice job, sociopath.
It’s been a little over two months since I discovered the missing DNA, and honestly, besides the future identity crisis, which I dread, nothing has changed, with the exception that I only have 25% of my boys due to the fact that my youngest is 15 months old and the Sp put up such a fight to keep them from me. I want nothing more, now that I know the DNA shortcomings, but to build the greatest bond with my oldest son that has ever been so he knows that I love him, no matter what his mother did during our marriage, and that I am his father and he is my son and always will be. My buddies joke about the DNA results because my son is quite beautiful and that perhaps he is lucky to not share my DNA. (Where would you be with out your buddies?)
I have nicknamed him “Handsome Rob” (his name is not Rob), which I have been calling him for years. It was Jason Statham’s name I stole from the movie The Italian Job, and it somehow just stuck and I have been calling him that ever since. I always ask, even before the DNA report and still today, “How come you are so handsome?” and he replies, “because you’re handsome.”
I have no advice for anyone who crosses paths with a sociopath, just that I wish you luck. -M
Learn more: Breaking through to alienated kids
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Oct. 21, 2007.
The top 5 brazen lies your psychopathic partner tells you
witsend, for me the “inapropriate” thought was about what you described. It was a total inappropriate proposal in a cyberspace self-help-group. I don’t mean that morally, but on social levels. So, true, and fully agree, it shows a lack of understanding what a support group is. It shows that the mind behind the post only can imagine people helping out in exchange for money or other stuff.
Thanks Witty,
likewise.
I’ve come to see that the spaths’ cry for help is his way of making us shoulder responsibility. They love to see us become enablers, so they throw out a wide net and see who jumps in. My spath did this to me and when I stopped responding, he recruited others to beg for my help, just so they could laugh to see how much I liked being helpful.
Now I know how much of an enabler I’ve always been.
But there’s a deeper level even, than that. The spath is appealing to our strengths, not to our weakness. He knows that we feel strong enough to bear another person’s burdens. It is that feeling of strength that they envy in us and they are determined to pile on the responsibilities until we finally break. That’s why they ask for more and more even when they’ve bankrupted us financially, physically and emotionally.
My spath had (or still has) a plan to get another helicopter from a millionaire he knows. First step is to get the millionaire to buy himself a new one so that spath can have his old one. (it’s not very old).
One day, Spath came home bragging that he had talked S, into buying a new helicopter.
He said, “I told S, you want a new helicopter don’t you? and S said yes… then I said, you’re a multi-millionaire so you can afford it right? and S said, yes, then I said, it’s nothing for you to buy a new helicopter, S, so why don’t you just go buy yourself what you really want? And S said, you’re right, I can. I will. Then last week, S and D went down to California and bought a new helicopter.”
Spath appealed to S’s perception of his strength, his wealth, in the same way that the devil tempted Jesus in the desert. “You’re God, right? You can turn those rocks into loaves of bread right? You can jump from a cliff and not get hurt, right? You can rule over all those magnificent cities, right? Just sign here…”
Hi Witty…When I first read that plea for help I figured it was (spam) or (scam) but I tend to not trust anybody anymore, and I do tend to be judgemental so I waited for someone else to chime in.. I am waiting on that person to come back and tell us how hurt they are at our responses. Good to see you Witty ~! I wanted to comment to your post the other day but you seemed so emotionally raw..I think what you suspected of your xspath all those year’s ago at the rest area is spot on correct..I am so sorry he did that to you, it was a very low thing, but so is he….
darwinsmom,
Yes inappropriate is the perfect word! I struggled for a moment trying to find the right wording….And came up with socially inadequate. LOL
I struggle with words to “fit” what I am trying to say all the time! I am just NOT good with words and always know what I want to say in my head….But falter when trying to post them on “paper”.
I think you and I were saying the same thing 🙂
hens,
I did actually laugh out loud when I saw your post about needing a new gardener. This is why we all love you around here so much. Love, love love your sense of humor.
How ARE you? Doing well I hope.
witty, it’s good to know you still get a chuckle out of my oneliner’s.
Witty I am doing just fine, thanks for asking….now I could find plenty to complain about but I wont today – maybe tomorrow…hug
When I first saw that post by the “help me” dude, my first thought was…..how do we know THAT’s not the spath and the wife is trying to get away? Didn’t seem like a normal LF post. But anyway, I suck at gardening, so I usually let the more seasoned spathinators make the call.
Star,
Although I do get a gut reaction, I’m no good at listening to it either, so in that sense, I suck at gardening too. My upbringing did not instill boundaries, I never even knew what they were until recently.
The only defense I have against spaths and trolls is to analyze them. If anything they are doing, even remotely looks like something my spath did, then I figure it’s a spath.
That’s the one good thing I got from my 25 years in hell. I know what the devil looks like.
Skyler,
I have missed our “chats”.
You have always dug really deep to try and understand this disorder and understand the person behind the disorder. Why they do the things they do.
This was always something important to me to….The deeper understanding. Knowing what makes them tick & how that relates back to us.
Witsy,
I thought your word choice was perfect, lol. When I thought of it, I thought… hmmm, inapropriate might be considered in a moral way, instead of the social way… blamed other native language, lol 🙂