Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Robert in Seattle.”
It happened to me over a period of several years while my first wife and I were divorcing and fighting over custody of our two kids. She managed to game her lawyer, the child advocates office, the judge and most other people along the way. The only thing she couldn’t game was the MMPI test that my psychologist conducted under court order (at my request and that I had to pay for on my own). While short of actually just coming right out and declaring it, the psychologist conducting our tests identified her scores as strong traits of borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Unfortunately – and you have to appreciate this tale – our assigned advocate was an alcoholic single mother of five kids with a deep hatred for men. (And I also discovered she – and most of the other advocates in the program – had NEVER been tested or qualified to do this work!) She got an advance copy of our tests and immediately got an ex parte meeting with our judge, days before our final hearing on custody. Intentionally, she never even brought up the MMPI’s but instead used her position of authority to “advise” the judge that the children would be better off under the custody of their mother. So based on her “official advice” from the county Child Advocates office, the judge immediately signed off on the order two days before our hearing!
That night just before I was about to pick up my kids from their Wednesday evening dinner visit with their mother during my week with them, my son called crying on the other end to inform me they weren’t coming home. He told me, “We’re not coming home, Dad. You lost in court!”
Then she gets on the line and starts ranting at me, telling me how she had won and I had lost. Nothing about the kids and what was important for them. It was probably one of the most depressing and helpless moments of my life.
Changing What You Can Change
I’m finally writing about this because some of it will either already sound familiar or may soon happen to many of you in the future. This happened to me over 20 years ago back in ’91. And it was a prime example of how easily these people can game the system and the people who work in it, especially when they have others to enable their games.
The good ending is that I live by the motto, “I never get mad. I always get even.” I continued my custody battle both with the system and the courts, getting custody of my son less than a year later and eventually also gaining full custody of my daughter a couple of years after that.
I later discovered that the judge was buddy-buddy with the corrupt, rich sociopath who started and ran the Child Advocates program as part of his own earlier court-ordered community service portion of a grand felony conviction! So how did I get even? Through a lot of homework and the help of great friends, we managed to dismantle this entire corrupt child advocacy program in our county in Florida and replaced it with a professionally-run and certified Guardian Ad Litem organization instead. And the judge? Let’s just say that many of us had enough information to encourage him to announce his early retirement from the court system. <Ahem>
With hindsight, I can say that my children have since grown up to be terrific and responsible adults with full lives after we managed to survive those years of abuse together. And we remain very close to this day as a result of having each other as an integral piece of the support process needed to fight these people.
So hopefully, I’m sending along a positive story with a good ending for those of you currently in a similar situation fighting these soulless excuses for human beings. Sharing our collective knowledge can only make each of us that much stronger to deal with these people when they do cross our paths.
Because they truly live among us…
Just don’t let your guard down.
Ox Drover
Robert,
It makes me feel so good to read your article! To hear success stories of survivors is so good I think for those people who are still in the “spin cycle”—I know not every story ends so successfully, but the thing is that we must NOT GIVE UP on making some changes.
I am so glad that you were also able to CHANGE THE SYSTEM….not only the one judge and the others, but the SYSTEM. That gives us all hope when we are dealing with “the system.”
Thanks, Robert. Glad to have you here as both a male voice and as a successful survivor voice! God bless.
cappuccinoqueen
Robert,
While very scary – your story gives me hope. I am currently in the thick of drama with my spath ex in my custody war. I worry a lot about him taking off with my son during a visit and finding some loop hole in the system that I have to contend with.
Initially, I wanted to just bring my ex to justice but after the year that I have spent totally crushed by the INjustice system…I want to change the system just like you did.
Thank you for your article. I needed to read it today.
GlorytoGod
Robert, thank you for your voice in this. I would like some feedback please from others’ experience: the spath and I have been ordered to take a psych. I have heard it ‘might’ be used by child protective to change custody. My children are begging for more time with me and my husband and away from the spath and his mail order bride who wants to be returned to the Philippines…can’t blame her! But honestly, none of the sw treat me like the successful person that I am. I think it’s b/c the spathe favorite game is projecting his crud onto me. This way, it sounds like cross complaining. But actually, we are both talking about the same guy: him! But aside from my children’s input, I can’t prove much. What I can prove is that 2/3 of my children have attempted suicide over the spathe maltreatment. It’s that bad. He is insidious. No low is too low–except that he fears arrest. So, should I be worried about a personality test since he’ll have 1 too? He’s furious about it so that’s usually a good sign. Insights?
cappuccinoqueen
If you believe he is a sociopath….do everything you can to make him take specific test which would be able to uncover that. Unfortunately, not a lot of psychologist are used to dealing with these people and even when they do test – psychologists don’t always know what they are looking at and don’t know how to interpret the results.
If you can get he court to order and independent tester, however, at least you know the person won’t be paid to lie for him (which happened to me).
Good luck.
IMconfused
Robert…Wow! Thank you for your uplifting story. Although it didn’t happen as quickly as you would have liked, your story gives hope to those of us who want to change the legal system.
It’s nice to know that there actually are nice, caring, honest, normal guys in this world…folks who want to change what is wrong to create fairness for everyone.
Regarding the MMPI, I took that test years ago and have got to say that I think it’s bogus. As a person with ADD and dyslexia, I picked out key words and answered willy-nilly just to get throut this boring test. In a room of maybe 8 people, I finished second.
As I recall, this lengthy test’s final report indicated that I had deceptively answered the test questions to make myself look good! Willy-nilly answering apparently left me with too good to be true results. Since it relies on interpretation, I have to doubt the accuracy of the MMPI testing. That said, I don’t know how anyone could determine a tester’s truthfulness. Honestly, a video taped oral test showing body language and facial expressions might offer a better indicator, but a slick con might pass with flying colors.
2nd_chance
Robert,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. My ex husband of 10 years (who is text book sociopath) has attached himself to a wealthy family and have the funds to try to use the court system against me. His parents told me he was diagnosed with BPD at a young age of 13. It is obvious by his text messages and emails to me (he cc’s his law team in each email) that he’s trying to set me up and build a papertrail. I should mention we had 3 kids together. He is apparently getting married next month and building an addition to his fiancee’s house for extra room for my kids. I have a feeling once his ducks are in a row, him and his new wife will fight for my kids. She has heard many lies about me and told me some in my driveway. Poor girl is brainwashed and so are her parents.
He has some law enforcement credentials (but exaggerates and claims to be a State Trooper), he’s worked as an officer in the courts and in most of the courts in our state. He also joined the military and got “hurt” the first week of basic, but he claims to be a “disabled vet”. He has all these “titles” to make himself appear as if he knows the law, he’s a model citizen. He should teach charm he’s so good at it. He’s so good at manipulating. I just hope when that day comes and we have to stand before a judge, they see through his bull$hit.
I am so glad you continued to fight for your kids, for the truth, to change the corruption in the system. Your fight lead to a great victory. Congrats!
Thank you for sharing!
bluejay
Robert
Your patience and determination (“I never get mad. I always get even”) paid off for a lot of people (who have to be part of the family court system). Thanks for this great article – very inspiring.
dianaberger
“To hear success stories of survivors is so good I think for those people who are still in the “spin cycle”…the “spin cycle” is BRUTAL. How do you get out of it and move to the next step? The success stories are encouraging…
Truthspeak
Glory, there is no “test” that can be ordered by any Court that will provide “proof” of sociopathic behavior. There isn’t. It’s not only a waste of time, but the taxpayers’ funds, as most of these evaluations are paid through the legal system. The only “proof” that can be gathered is over a long period of time where specific behavioral patterns can be observed – period.
Should you be worried? What would you be worried about? If the spath isn’t a child molester, he has a “right” to parental involvement. This is not to be interpreted that I feel that spath parents deserve more time with their offspring, by any stretch of the imagination. But, fighting about this through the legal system almost never benefits the children, at all. This is a hard, cold fact about custody/visitation issues, and one that I’ve experienced, myself.
My only suggestion with regard to the psych eval is that you do not EVER say the words, “sociopath,” “psychopath,” or “personality disordered.” Be truthful and brutally honest during the evaluation – don’t attempt to anticipate answers or responses. And, speak truthfully even if doing so doesn’t paint you as Mary Poppins. Don’t lie, don’t exaggerate, and don’t embellish any facts. Don’t offer any information that isn’t asked for. It boils down to your credibility against his, and being honest isn’t always warm and fuzzy.
In hindsight, had I known how the legal system really functioned in Family Court cases, I would probably not have put up such a fight. Even now, divorcing a spath without children involved has become a nightmarish experience – this should have been settled months ago, and he’s dragging it on and on to wear me out on every level.
Brightest blessings
touch
Robert,
Your post is inspiring. I am also a victim of a spath and undergoing legal abuse syndrome as well. I have anxiety from nowhere, and then i picture the upcoming court hearing we have (no exact date but in process). This will be our second. He was able to lie point-blankly in the eyes of the judge when he asked him, “How many times she spend time with your daughter?”, this sociopath ex-boyfriend of mine who is a father of 7 children from 7 different women(including mine) said, 1-2x a month. At that time, we both were not represented by lawyers. I insisted but the judge was obviously being biased to this spath!!!! At this time, we have joint legal custody, I have my daughter every other weekend during school days and the opposite goes on summer. He is currently not working. Well he babysits 2 kids. He uses welfare to get benefits and because our child was diagnosed with mild autism, he applied for SSDI and changing her medical insurance to medi-cal. My lawyer wrote him a letter but he never listened. He filed for child support as well. I am facing a man who got away with various lies. Our daughter who is 4 has 2 other siblings younger than her, ages 1 and a 2 month old. I gathered declarations from 2 of his exes who witnessed child abuse to his older kids. It looks like game is on but still fearing that this sociopath will get away with this one…once again, imagining him grinning. I want my daughter to transfer school to my area. I truly believe that legal system should be CHANGED. Today as I am typing, will about to attend parent orientation at her school that he did not informed me at all. I called school district last Friday and thats the only time I knew all these. I am planning to meet the people at the school and give them a copy of the court order. Any advice? Do u think it is necessary if my lawyer will write the school of my right to be informed of all her activities? My ex still believes he has primary. In the court order, it clearly says, joint legal custody. That’s why he went ahead and changed her insurance which I would believe contempt of court? Am i right? I am with Kaiser because I am an employee of such. Btw, he also owes >$50,000.00 from child support from 2 older kids. Also, the other mom is reopening the case. I am hoping that the second time around, it will be better, I am claiming my rights as a mother which he stole away from me, manipulating me, paying him to take care of our child, not knowingly that he was leaving her some nights, leaving her with her ex also(his roommate and a mother of his eldest daughter) to stay with the other women. At some nights, one of his ex who also now my friend after all these, claims in her declaration that she spends nights with him, with my daughter’s presence on the same bed, 1-2 times a week. He is capable of keeping 3 women, keeping us away from each other so he can continue to manipulate, extorts money. With all these years, we were both supporting him with most of his needs.