LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not my sociopath

Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.”

January 30, 2013, was the “day after” my divorce trial. I was granted my maiden name as a term of the divorce. The rest of the terms aren’t important. What is important is that once I discovered what he had done, he ceased being “mine” in every capacity.

He was no longer “my husband,” and he was never “my spath.” He is his own disordered individual and belongs to himself, solely, and forever.

Once a person is proven to be toxic to me, they are no longer “mine,” and I would like to convey this concept to every LoveFraud reader to consider. When they were “ours,“ they were strictly an illusion. What they truly are does not belong to us, never did belong to us, and we need to lose this reference as “my spath,” or “my ex-spath,” or any connotation that remotely connects them to us.

I had kept specific details of my situation with the ex-spath that I will name as, “Kerby,” very vague due to the sensitive details of my divorce trial. Because he has not yet been charged with a crime or found guilty of that crime, any use of Kerby’s legal name could be construed as slanderous. I can say that he is a State Employee and has been for almost 2 decades. Where he lives will remain vague. What he is, what he’s done, and how I’m recovering will have to come in pieces and parts.

The divorce trial: loss, deception, and disordered behavior

What I can say about my divorce trial experience is that it was fraught with extreme anxiety and deprivations that are not only unbelievable, but conditions under which no human being should be forced to exist in these United States. As a result of Kerby’s deliberate deceptions and actions, I not only lost everything that I had, but my identity as an artist was destroyed when he maliciously wiped out my computer. It contained 9 years of documentation of my work along with files, programs, and vital information with regard to my exhibits, my experience, my abilities, and visual imagery of my artwork. All of that is gone, forever, and there was no legal remedy for his action.

What I can also say about my divorce trial is that Kerby is a coward. When all of the evidence was presented to him by his own attorney, he maintained that he wasn’t going to comply with what would have been reasonable and that he was going to fight to the death to protect his income — a very healthy income as a State Employee. The bankruptcy scare has now turned into a horror show that was written, directed, and produced by Kerby himself. He will, for many years, be paying for his greed and disordered machinations and Karma will, indeed, reign Chaos directly upon his graying head. And, he did it to himself.

The oddest thing about the trial was not the hours of negotiations and Judge’s irritation at Kerby’s childish failure to be “prepared for trial.” The oddest aspect of this was the distinct and glaring indication of just how disordered he truly is. Throughout this ordeal, his mother (also disordered in character and personality), whom he had openly and verbally disdained throughout the sham of a marriage, accompanied him to every hearing, often driving him in her own car, lest her little boy (37 years old) be too upset to drive himself. During the hours of waiting in the courtroom, questions and speculation began circulating throughout the courtroom staff. From the Bailiff to the clerk to even the Judge, himself, the question arose as to why Kerby (the defendant) would “bring his girlfriend to his own divorce trial.” Because of where I was seated, I wasn’t able to observe the behaviors, but there was apparently inappropriate contact between the mother and son that caused the staff to believe that they were lovers.

Kerby is, was, and will forever remain a very, very disordered human being. He was raised by a disordered human being, and anyone that he comes into contact with is in danger of exploitation — any man, woman, child – nobody is immune to his greed, his deviances, and his absolutely childish mental state.

Free in name, heart, soul and spirit

I am free of that man, forever. In name, in heart, in soul, and in spirit, I am free of him and all that I lost is worth this freedom. Today, I begin rebuilding me. When he finally faces charges of criminal fraud, I will not feel one shred of pity or sympathy for him. He is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. He is no longer “mine,” on any level. He has less meaning than an animal that has been struck and killed by a car – wildlife has no concept of motor vehicles or traffic patterns, and Kerby had every concept that what he was doing was illegal, immoral, and carries harsh consequences.

I would like to urge everyone who is in recovery from a sociopath entanglement to drop the “mine,” and “my” reference to the person who dealt them damage. Only the illusion belonged to us. The spaths belong unto themselves, solely. Feel this freedom. Feel this empowerment that we no longer are being gas-lighted, poisoned, threatened, coerced, manipulated, abused, dismissed, ignored, invalidated, and ruined. We are priceless, each of us, and our recovery is the spit in the eye that they deserve. We will be “happy,” at some point. “They,” on the other hand, will remain organisms that only mimic human beings, forever and ever, amen. And, Karma will certainly knock on their proverbial door in the form of an arresting officer, a Judge, a jury, or God in Heaven. We may be a catalyst to that Karma, and we may not be. But, everything is all about recovery, boundaries, and fueling our own emotional power, from this point on.