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By | February 2, 2013 16 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Still lying after all these years

Editor’s note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ella Mae.”

I wish I would have read the signs early on and went with my gut 6 years ago. My story is this.

We have been in a relationship for six years. Two of those six years we were married. We decided we would get married because I got pregnant. I thought that he would change and we would live happily ever after– but that wasn’t the case. When we were dating there were many red flags but I chose to ignore them. Every time he was caught in a lie, he would have an explanation. Me being naive, I thought how can someone possibly make a lie for everything. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he loved me.

Two years ago we started our married life together living here in Europe. I had my first child and stopped paying attention to what he was doing. I thought it wasn’t possible for him to want to stray from our marriage. To make a long story short, in September of 2012, I left to visit my family. When I came back, I thought everything was okay.

Then I had to leave once again because my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I was gone for almost 2 months. Then one afternoon I got a phone call that my husband had been arrested for fraud. My life was falling apart with my mother having cancer and my husband in Jail. I returned home, thinking I would be there for my husband and we would solve everything. To my surprise little things were starting to surface and I started digging.

Sex, and lots of it

First I found a massive amount of CIALIS (CIALIS is indicated for the treatment of men with erectile dysfunction), he was taking while I was away. He told me he needed it to masturbate. Then I found he was hiding sex videos and old nude pictures of his ex girlfriend. He said he didn’t know he had them. Then I found out he was speaking to his ex girlfriend about showing him love and emailing her while we were together. Then I spoke to my neighbor and she informed me that a young woman was coming out of my house in the morning alone and my husband drove her home. When he tried to explain he couldn’t come up with a story, he just kept saying he loves me and has never cheated. After a month he came up with this story that this woman had a boyfriend but every friend I spoke with has told me they have never met “her boyfriend” and he has taken her to many hotels during the daytime while I was home and also while I was away visiting my family. Friends of his have also told me he used to brag about having sex with her and I.

For 2 years I have been taking care of our daughter. Being a mother is hard work. I didn’t pay attention to him. Sometimes I blame myself and think that I am the reason this is all happening. Maybe because I was too tired to have sex, or wasn’t kinky enough, didn’t compliment him and make him feel good. I don’t know. I was just so tired.

Lies, and lots of them

I actually even found his mistress’s in question email address. She has made up about six different stories about her relationship with him. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to hire a private investigator. After making a few phone calls, and talking with a specific hotel, the private investigator confirmed my husband took not only his mistress to the hotel in question, but also many prostitutes; whom he paid a lot of money for. Of course the private investigator cannot prove it because it would mean his contacts would lose their jobs, so I could not use it for divorce. I confronted him about this and he swore he has never been with a prostitute. I don’t understand how he could still lie. I know I will never know the truth. Maybe I know the truth, but for some reason I want to believe maybe he loves me and could possibly not do this to me.

I also found pictures of him giving oral sex to a disgusting woman and you guessed it, he had an answer for that one. He said it was his ex girlfriend from 7 years ago. But it is not. It is the hotel he was staying at and for some reason he was taking pictures or himself pleasuring her and sent it to his email the day before we arrived.

Broken

Nothing makes sense in my life. I feel so broken down. I really feel like my husband is a sociopath and has been using me for years. I feel sick to my stomach most days. I have lost a total of 25 lbs since I have returned. I have a very active toddler to take care of and I’m in a country where I have few friends and support.

We visit him weekly and he tells me not to leave him and he wants to work on our marriage. I just don’t understand how a man so sick could hurt me and not feel guilty about what he is doing. The good thing is he has given me full custody for our daughter and I have applied for legal separation and it’s in the process.

Reading some of your blogs, I can see how being in a relationship with a sociopath is toxic. I want to heal and move on with my life. I envy those who have moved on and found great healthy relationships. I hope one day that will be me.

I can’t change my past and I can’t regret anything because I have a beautiful girl but I wish it was with the right man.

I forgot to add he has two other teenage children that he abandoned when they were young, and I only found out about his other daughter weeks ago. He told me he didn’t want to lose me so he left that out. When we first started dating I told him I could never date a man with children, and I guess he thought this was the right way.

I want healing. I know it will be hard. I still love this man and want to give him the benefit of the doubt. What is wrong with me? But I cannot give him another chance. How can I live with all these lies? If for nothing else, I have to get away for our daughter’s sake.

There are a lot of other things in our relationship and hopefully the words aren’t all jumbled and make some sense. I needed to write my story. Maybe someone has been through what I have been through. I hope this is a step for me in the right direction.

God bless,

Ella Mae

 


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Truthspeak

EllaMae, I am horrified to read of your experiences and welcome to LoveFraud.

There’s nothing “wrong” with you. I would strongly urge you to consider getting involved in some strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” You can find such a counselor by contacting your local domestic violence hotline, regardless of what country you may be residing in – EVERY country has its own DV hotline.

There is a book that I just began reading titled “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” by Dr Michael Fox. It discusses and explains what you (and, MANY of us) have experienced, methods to recover, and methods of self-protection.

You cannot live with all of his lies – to do so would be enabling his disorder and predation of other human beings. It is the hardest thing to accept that someone that we believed to have existed was only an illusion. I have experienced that, myself, and it’s like being slapped in the face with a rotten salmon – it hurts, it stinks, and it’s vile.

You are also NOT responsible for HIS choices and actions, Ella Mae. Blaming yourself is not only unhelpful, but it’s not based upon truth. Sure, like me, the red flags were ignored for one reason or another – that doesn’t matter. What matters is that our trust, love, and beliefs were shattered, deliberately, and by someone who intended to use us for whatever purposes they had in mind.

If it were me (and, it HAS been), I would seek a divorce, immediately after I had begun strong counseling therapy. I don’t know what the terms of divorce are in your country, but most States in the U.S. maintain “no fault” which literally means that nobody is “at fault” for the collapse of a contract of marriage – which is what it boils down to.

If you remain in this relationship, your daughter will watch and learn how to either become a victim, or a predator – plain and simple. This decision is about 2 people and saving 2 lives: yours, and your daughter’s. This man is never going to alter his choices – he’s not. And, he’s incapable of true, honest “love.” Please, do not confuse sex with love – they are a universe apart from one another.

I’m grateful that you found LoveFraud, and I’m grateful that you have the courage to post your horrific experiences. If you can do that, you can recover and heal from the carnage that this man has deliberately and maliciously created.

Again, welcome. Read, post, vent, rant….

Brightest blessings to you

Radar_On

Ella Mae, welcome to Lovefraud! You have found the best cyberplace there is for information and VALIDATION, to what you have been thru, and your journey thru the wildernness of a sociopathic entanglement. We here have been in your shoes, in one way or the other. Many times in the early stages of discovery, the things we find out to be true, we wonder…HOW CAN THEY DO THESE THINGS TO US??? Unfortunatly, we as “normal people” have a difficult time processing all of it because we are trying to process these kinds of situations with a “normal mind” These are not normal situations and NOT NORMAL PEOPLE!!!!!! You have a littlle girl that is subject to this situation as well. You MUST do eberything in your power to PROTECT HER! If you think the situation is bad now? Dear Ella, it can get soooo much worse for you and your daughter, if you done do what you have to do to protect yourselves! Truthspeak gave you sound advice! You will find great camraderie here as well as understanding and SUPPORT! Best wishes to you and your little girl as you journey out of the Blackness of Darkness!

joyfulann

Ellie Mae, sounds a bit like my life, but with many more tragic details. You see, I married my sociopath, a teenage romance. After 28 years, the details of his sordid life tumbled out with a work pension. I discovered he has fathered over 10 children, (that I know of), one of which he has never seen and is now an adult, 2 by one woman, a fake marriage to one who was/is a doctor, and all while we were married. One woman I discovered, had a four year affair, when I called after looking through his cell phone. I asked who she was and did she know him, she said he was her man. Children heard in the back round, I asked her if any were his. She called me back after calling me names, and said everything she said was not true, after he got to her. Very long story short, you can and will heal.

joyfulann

I informed the women I could contact, that he was married and they were devastated. One who I learned might be especially hurt, I shared what I know about sociopaths. She attacked me verbally, but she can do what she wants with that knowledge, if she does any research she will realize that is what he is. He had child support papers sent to another address and every time we made life decisions or moved to another house, he helped and facilitated each move, ever the family man. Know that there is nothing wrong with you, it is his sickness. I sought counseling, family support, and I have faith in God, which sustains me daily. No contact, up until now, was next to impossible, as we have a disabled son; he had been helpful, but lately has not been. I do what is best for me and my son, if he helps without drama, fine. He keeps up drama, I set boundaries, and if he does not adhere, he is told to pick him up and keep it moving. God bless you, you will recover and come out stronger and better on the other side.

Ox Drover

EllaMae, I am so sorry that you have found out “the hard way” what a psychopath is….but now you can start to heal. You’ve reached the bottom of the abyss and now the only way to go is up.

Spend time with your mother while you can, love that baby, and start to focus on YOURSELF. You will NOT stay in the bottom of this pit, I promise, There is a way out, but it will take TIME AND WORK but you can do it. God bless.

EllaMae,
Welcome to Lovefraud!You’re already on the road to healing by showing the courage to post your story and ask questions.There are so many questions that are running through our minds as we realize we’ve been betrayed!Keep reading and learn all you can about socialpaths.But as you learn,your first priority must be you and your beautiful daughter…..DO NOT let sentimental feelings for your husband get in the way of your health and happiness!

raggedy ann

EllaMae, this man debased everything around him, and things will only get worse if you give that chance he is pushing for. It so so painful to think of the good parts as having been an illusion. I have to remind myself of the grossness when I get too nostalgic for the good. You can only move forward with yourself and your daughter, he will debase your life the more he is in it. I gained my weight back eventually the first time this stuff happened to me. You will too if you want or need to, and you will recover many other aspects of your old self.

Joyfulann, that sounds so horrific. People often don’t listen to warnings and advice, but then recall them when they come across more evidence consistent with the warnings. You have possibly helped that woman in that way. It’s waiting there in her. I also dealt with someone with maultiple women, not so many children. While I was discovering things and in some contact with several of the women, there was a popular song on the radio with a refrain of “you got to keep them separated” Added to the surreal quality of everything.

The stuff with help moving was a familiar story from my other traumatic relationship with a slightly different style of spath. Mine had a specific scheme percolating which he revealed immediately after the move was done.

I hope you are both feeling better and better over time.

Ella Mae,
Sharing your story may help many other women because it is a classic story of an encounter with a psychopath. If they recognize the pattern and escape, you will have saved someone, at least.

I hope you will stick around and learn and heal from others who have been betrayed, as you have been. The spath sickness is everywhere. It’s contagious. We have to do what we can to raise awareness and immunization to it.

ellae mae

Hello..
I thank you all who took out the time to read my story.
I am so tired…My husband is in jail and every other he calls me from prison to tell me how sorry he is but has admitted nothing.
Every time I look at our daughter I think…I have to give her a good life. I don’t want her to grow up to be a sociopath. I am scared…
I am glad we have only been married for only 2 years but I am scared our daughter will hate me later on in life. Everything scares me…
He tells he has changed…

Ox Drover

Ellae Mae,

The first step iin healing is to STOP CONTACT with him. He LIES, NOTHING HE SAYS IS TRUE. He has NOT and WILL NOT Change.

GET AWAY from him, do not accept his calls any more. File for divorce. Move away if you can or get a restraining order so he can not come near you or your baby.

Don’t worry about your baby now, just love her. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and the first step is to QUIT listening to his lies. (((Hugs))))and God bless.

Truthspeak

EllaeMae, OxD is spot-on. He is not going to change. He’s not. He simply is NOT going to change. He is what he is, and he will remain so, forever.

Accepting his calls is only allowing him to continue his fishing trip. Your love and belief in the illusion is the bait that he’s used to set his lure. The lies and false promises are what has set the hook in your mouth. The calls from jail are the reel that he keeps winding in. He is a predator, on every level.

Absolutely, I would strongly encourage you to file for divorce, change your phone number, address (to a PO Box, perhaps), and location (if you can). I would strongly encourage you to get testing for every STD known to exist, immediately.

Fear is real, EllaeMae, but it doesn’t have to be a driving force in decision-making. Get involved in some strong counseling therapy and you’ll learn how to manage that fear and set boundaries for yourself. Your daughter doesn’t need to know ANYthing at 2 years of age! And, if the time is ever “right,” you’ll be recovered enough to deal with that if the time ever comes.

BIG (((((HUGS))))) and do post as often as you’re comfortable doing.

Brightest blessings

umami_mommy

the part that seems so familiar to me is the lame half excuses for all the bad behavior. my ex was the same way, outragous behavior – nearly no explanation, or really stupid excuses only a moron would believe. i think he really believed i wouldnt ever leave him because of his daughter, and so it didnt matter anymore. i often wonder if he drove by the big house in the country my current husband and i owned…. i owned a big SUV, a big house with land, had a baby boy. all the stuff he claimed he wanted when we were together. i wish i knew what was in his mind after i left! i wonder if he thought he should have come up with better excuses! ones someone could actually believe.

newlife43

Ella Mae:

EVERYONE here has been through what you went through…that is why we are here.

I think Umami puts it best:

“my ex was the same way, outragous behavior ”“ nearly no explanation, or really stupid excuses only a moron would believe. i think he really believed i wouldnt ever leave him…”

I WAS a moron, because I used to believe his excuses. I thought he was just a big ‘ole loveable, scattered mess and I was going to help him. My love would save the day. Looking back, who was kidding whom?

I wouldn’t go visit him in jail. After all he put you through, he deserves to rot in there alone. That’s my opinion. Do what is best for you and your daughter. He’s been exposed. Put him out of the picture entirely or you will never get well.

Truthspeak

Newlife43, I think referring to yourself as a “moron” is harsh, even if it “seems” applicable. We weren’t MORONS – we loved and trusted people to be good for their word. We were taught to believe that a person’s word was their bond, so we trusted.

There will come a point when the self-deprication ends and the acceptance of having been duped begins. Did I make stupid choices? Oh, sure I did. Does that make me a stupid person? No, it sure as hell does not. I haven’t read a single response in 4 years (OTHER than those by trolls) that could even be remotely identified as labeling the responder as a “moron.” Most all of the survivors in recovery that I’ve read are intelligent, insightful, kind, loving, and empathetic. Those are qualities and strengths that spaths twisted, warped, and manipluated for their personal gain. That’s all.

So……you are certainly no “moron!” You’re smart, intelligent, and in strong recovery.

Brightest and most sincere blessings

newlife43

Truthspeak:

Thank you for your kind words. Someone recently said to me, “Don’t beat yourself up.” And I said back to them, vehemently, “Why shouldn’t I beat myself up?”

“Because it doesn’t change anything.”, was her common sense reply.

But it’s ok for me to call myself a moron. When I call a spade a spade, for me, it’s only to address an issue that lies beneath the surface, still affecting me. Some day, my stupid choices won’t bother me anymore. But I guess it’s not today! Tee Hee!

Truthspeak

Newlife, I used to be self-depricating to the Nth Degree because, even in humor, I truly believed that I was unworthy, un-loveable, and undserving as per my shame-core issues.

I look at self-deprication as this: it doesn’t involve risk. Before, I knew how I would “feel” every morning when I woke up – dismal, unloved, unappreciated, disapproved-of, etc., ad nauseum. That self-loathing became a dirty, tattered, and stinking blanket that I would wrap around myself because it was FAMILIAR.

Once my shame-core was identified, it took every ounce of courage and resolve for me to remove that familiar blanket and take a long, hard look at how dirty, smelly, and tattered it really was! As long as I was wrapped up in that insulating blanket, I was unable to see what it really was.

That blanket allowed me to NOT risk standing on my own feet or striving for personal goals because – BECAUSE – I placed my validation, self-worth, and love-ability (worthiness of love) upon the acceptance and approval of others. I never tried to change myself (or, shed the blanket) because any time that I had, the effort was shot down by another human being. So, if I didn’t meet someone else’s approval or acceptance, WHY BOTHER TRYING in the first place? Right? LMAO!!!!!!!

So, that familiar and insulating blanket of self-deprication is forever gone. I don’t even JOKE about myself, anymore, because humor alwalys holds a grain of trauma, and my self-deprication had, for decades, been a source of humor for me to falsly “earn” the acceptance of others. No more. Ever again.

We’re allowed to make mistakes and stupid decisions – we’re only human, for crissakes! How else are we supposed to learn if we don’t make mistakes? I missed out on the “How To Live Your Life Without Making A Mistake” handbook when I was born, I guess. LOL!!!!!

Brightest and most sincere blessings

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