By PressEject
It seems so odd. I wasn’t exactly in love with this person! But I was entirely caught up in his breath, his every sentence, his needs and desires. He charmed me into thinking it was so much more that we shared.
I sensed early on he was not exactly mature in conducting a one-on-one relationship. But I assumed I could help guide him and show him how to trust and become closer.
He came across as unique, at times humble and often very sweet to be with. I heard his “story” and understood how difficult it had been for him trying to feel close to others and I was honored he felt he could be close to me. The story, a true “pity ploy,” pulled me in. But I didn’t think twice. After all, didn’t I also share a similar story of having struggled to achieve deeper intimacy in my life?
But the pace was quick, and it went from instant sexual attraction to having him call me almost every night. It felt wonderful but almost too good. Was I all of a sudden being looked after or being kept in a jar? Was I his focus of warm, kind attention or some kind of lab experiment, something he would slowly dissect each night, probing with questions, appearing to share a sincere interest in my life?
At the time, I didn’t know to question this but instead sensed I had a man that truly thought so much of me. The compliments were lavish, his desire never hidden. I had a wealthy, accomplished, healthy, active and athletic man returning to me with an uncanny and precise regularity. I could almost sense when the phone would ring.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
Six months have passed since I discovered the ugly truth to the type of love I thought I had in my life. That none of the words of love he had written on cards and in emails meant anything. That the desire for sexual passion was his highest state of consciousness, that all else was secondary, frail constructs made of echos he mimicked to sound like adult conversations, or even less substantial gestures used to form a connection based on reflecting my own personable warmth right back to me. Where was the love? Where was his piercing focus on me after he said “that was it, it’s over,” that he could not continue with me. As fast as the relationship had cemented together, it cracked apart!
Grieving, and confused
I had been idolized then tossed aside. From high in the sky with visions of perfect romantic sunsets to merely a shadow in a deep dark ditch where even the reflected glow of one last fading sunset could not reach. Something had died. I was grieving to be sure, but I was confused. The person I thought I knew wasn’t the person that left at the end. So even the death was beyond comprehension.
To have this kind of trust shattered went beyond my understanding of the relationship, it pulled into question everything I had ever thought or done in my life, every action, every desire, and every hope I had ever felt was all suspect now. I didn’t know who I was anymore, my mind struggled to find something to hold onto that would be stabilizing and comforting. A friend helped me to get to church. I wept in front of friends, a priest and my even my understanding of God and His angels would also be clouded by tears.
Days went by, eventually months. I followed a rule of no contact even though at times my heart and mind demanded some kind of better explanation. I learned to let the feelings try to run through me. To let the memories play over and over if they needed to, each time running into the same dead end, deprived of justice or consolation.
In support groups I went back into my childhood experiences of abuse. It took my mind off what had happened recently to me as an adult. I learned others shared similar stories, that we had at times bonded with those that would only perpetuate victimization in our adult lives as we had simply been blinded to how this all worked.
The gift I was given this year was a raw new sensory awareness of how others are simply not able to love the way I had assumed everyone could. I have been left holding onto this gift, not quite sure how to use it as I still feel somewhat paralyzed from all that happened this year. But I know this is the gift I have been given, that the pain, like a birthing pain, was necessary to give me a new life.
Out of the dark ditch
In dedicating myself to recovery, I was aided greatly by much that makes up the site at Lovefraud.com. I benefited from so much that others have shared. I could start to see clearly again, and find a way out of that dark ditch.
A new awareness came to me to understand that to eventually transcend the hurt, I might need to eventually think of others more than myself, but also to know I could find my own respect again for myself. Once I had reached for help and received a certain amount, I learned there were new ways to heal by sharing my own recovery with others.
In this spirit, there are a few thoughts that came to me I wish to share and hope that somewhere out there, someone might read this and find some kind of benefit or comfort through this effort. Perhaps these observations will shed further light into the discussion we at Lovefraud are all a part of.
In particular, I wish to share something that I have questioned for many months and now finally feel I have some better sense of, a deeper personal understanding of the reason why the pain seemed so great. I think it comes down to something very simple. (Please note, this may not apply to other peoples experiences but it seems to make sense of what I went through.)
Child in an adult body
It occurred to me, that being pulled in by a sociopath is similar to being pulled in by a charming child with needs that one would like to help. Yet we are deceived as this is a child in an adult body.
In the early stages of the relationship, I received gifts from the S that seemed to come from genuine caring and adoration. Yet they were very impulsive purchases when I think back.
In numerous accounts, a sociopath is described as having an underdeveloped or missing sense of empathy, and it only becomes fully realized when one is discarded abruptly. And therein lies the shock and the bewilderment. My feeling is that the S pulls us in by appealing to the child in each of us. That we too wish to be completely spontaneous and playful, like carefree children. To be free of adult responsibilities.
If we allow this fantasy to take root, we are then a captive to this, the way any addictive mind-altering drug might make us happy too. Those of us that suffered pain or abuse in our own childhoods, those of us with feelings and adult emotions will often carry some of that hurt with us over the years. Then, when we meet a childlike sociopath, seemingly free of worries and typical adult neuroses, we are able to “join in” and experience a type of childlike innocence (a trance that suspends reality) that never suspects abuse, has never felt abuse and carries no more scars of any of our abuse from the past. We are dangerously deceived in this way. We are liberated yet captive to the drug that deceives us this way.
When the drug wears off, when we are discarded, our nerve endings which only knew the childlike euphoria, along with a sexual high must then experience quite the opposite; abandonment, lost self esteem, and all the adult responsibilities we had been alleviated from temporarily.
Imagine when a child is lost or left behind, that abandonment I feel is the same sad state we are in as we were simply caught up in playing a strange game with an even stranger “child” all along. We cry and hurt and feel it is unfair, and indeed it is.
But we are caught by surprise, and it is this numbing and deceptive child-like trance that we are pulled into and have experienced over some time with our S that factors into how deep the hurt is when it finally arrives. It is like suffering a crash without a seat belt on. We are too innocent in our trance to think we ever needed a seat belt.
The healing process
I believe I return to the discussions here at Lovefraud because the pain I experienced was just so unusual. It is self-protective to try to understand what led us here and to hopefully prevent this from happening again.
Sharing here was helpful. I had struggled to make sense of it all, had put down my experience into words, and in the process, my pain was acknowledged and I felt less alone. Thank you Donna for including me. The healing process is not easy nor is it uncomplicated. I still feel some of the pain from this, but month after month, I walk with my head up a little higher.
I still don’t have all the answers and am learning to accept we never will, but the healing this site alone has given me has been enormous. Hopefully the thoughts I am sharing here will be read as a part of my sincere gratitude.
Thank you also for helping me to remember to use a seat belt! As always, I wish all good things for those that read and share in the site, that we each find the gift of deeper understanding and, in turn, peace from this understanding along with a new found grace in how we apply this into our lives each day.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part Recovery Series, presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 23, 2008.
Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?
blondie – I wonder if they know they are fake and pretending or is it just such a normal way of life for them that they just race through life not knowing the devastation they cause? How can they care if they don’t feel it? if they don’t have a conscience or remorse or empathy – then they are not fake – they are not pretending – they are just doing what they do – and we got burned and they will never know or care about the pain they left behind – that is why it is so important for us too never get in the grip of another one…
Blondie – I think all we can do is just let go – learn from this – we will never comprehend what motivates them. We will never know or understand them. What they do is not rational – it makes no sense too us anyway we look at it – as hard as we try to sort this out I don’t think we ever will. Hopefully somebody good will come into our lives SOON too help us FORGET the pain. I dont think he is worth all this grief and anguish, but learning about me and avoiding them in the future makes it all worth it – when somebody destroys us the way they did – something has to be learned from it – just thank goodness we are past the possibility of ever taking them back – you are past that aren’t you?
Dear Star,
BOINK! BOINK! that’s the sound of me hitting myself firmly on the head with the BIG skillet for reading that darned letter! I knew better but I was curious and you know, “Curosity killed the cat”–I wish I had been a bit wiser in that, but maybe I have learned a lesson from this. DIFFERENT DAY, SAME CHIT.
You know, she has read the derogatory remarks he made in his letters about her when he and the Trojan Horse were plotting, and he was telling the Trojan Horse how to “manage grandma” and I saw her eyes spit fire when she read those passages in his letters, and how she commented tht the letters he wrote her (which were filled with Bible quotes and platitudes) were so different from the letters he wrote the Trojan Horse P, (which were filled with the F-word and every kind of jail house cant you can imagine.)
Yet, she is back in the FOG again. All I can do is to get my act back together and get back to the best revenge–LIVING WELL.
Ox…
Thanks for your response to my other post BTW!~ (I lost a fantasy, he lost a nifty person 🙂
As for your mother ‘caring enough’ about your son not to lose him…you KNOW she is INCAPABLE of caring. It just goes to show that these monsters will use anyone as objects. (We) are USED, we are not appreciated or cared about.
Ya know what, :), next time, just don’t (read it). You have proven a valuable lesson that even one ounce of contact in ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM, will hurt us. But you have proven how strong you are and have been, you are very admirable with every word you share with us, so my advice to you personally, would be to just brush it off. Don’t let the anger build up in you anymore for her or him. Move past it without another glance. You can do it, I have faith in you 🙂
OxD,
I was thinking more along the lines of sending you a giant HUG for being human. Sometimes when the information is that easy, it’s like a train wreck, isn’t it? You just can’t help but look. That is why I’m resisting the urge to call the army and ask what happened to my ex. If I hear that he’s alive and well and living off a nice pension from them because they were too cowardly to prosecute him, I’ll be very angry. And the next thing, I’ll be checking out the other reptile site to see him gleefully blogging away with all my internet friends. YUCK!!! I don’t want to see it.
Whatever seedy deals are happening with your mother and P son, I have faith that you will be okay and can protect yourself and your other two sons. Those P’s are clever and manipulative, but they are not invincible.
I have to admit, when I first saw the BOINKs in your post, my first thought was….”Uh oh, what’d I do???” LOL
Press eject:
Thanks for your story. It helps me in my situation. My daughter is with a s and has no contact with her family and I often wonder how this could happen?
Your mention of childlike/trance/suspending reality helps me understand it from your point of view. Two of my friends, that know part of my story have commented to me, “she must be on drugs”. They know what she used to be like and don’t understand at all how she could change so much. I don’t think she is on (literal) drugs, but it could be a drug like/ trance state that she is still under.
What about your thinking while you were in this childlike/not reality state. Did the s influence your thinking then to be negative or against people/organizations/etc. and now you can’t believe the s influence could change you so dramatically?
Going along with the “smear campaign” and targeting others is part of what I am talking about. The s twists words and situations and leaves out important facts to make things sound totally different than they actually are. Does anyone remember having any experiences where you had two senses of reality at the same time? You knew you were saying something to please the s, but that might not be true?
My daughter used to be very positive, not complaining, etc. It seems hard to believe she could be sucked in to so dramatically change her perspective on the world/people/her convictions. It is hard to comprehend that a s has such “power”/charisma/charm over another person.
onajourney, yes! I think the “trance state” for a sociopath can, just like any addictive drug, take the person away from healthy relationships, family, etc! That is what happened to me. It wasn’t the S doing a smear campaign though, not at all. The S just simply hooked me in (targeted me) and all else became secondary. The over-valuation at the beginning (the literal opposite of the “D&D” – devalue and discard at the end of the relationship) is very seductive!!! When people take mind altering drugs, they (to use an appropriate 60’s reference) “tune out” by letting the drug take over and nothing else has much importance including their own safety. If your daughter is with an S, it is possible this is happening. She is taken in by the targeting adoration and possible child-like spontaneity that seems very appealing at first. I certainly was. But I am only speaking for myself. I have read may instances where the S or more likely a P (Psychopath – which I tend to think are characterized by more devious and plotting behavior) actually do what you are mentioning, using gaslighting or smear campaigns to keep their prey to themselves or under their control for their own selfish purposes. I don’t think this is too hard to comprehend though. After all, even when two Non-S or Non-P persons start dating or fall in love, one or both might take on some new personality traits or interests or dislikes from the other partner. This normal mirroring can occur as part of the bonding and finding a familiar ground to share. The S also uses this technique since they have no deeper emotions on which to draw, are NOT creative and know it gets them something they want (sex) but after a while it wears thin. They know they have little else to work with and then start becoming frustrated and then the devalue part kicks in and finally their true nature is revealed. I am not sure how one might rescue someone from this ultimate hurt, someone such as your daughter. I was too convinced by the S that we could somehow make it all work… until the final moments when he let the mask slip….
onajourney: For me, I believed everything my EX said to me, thinking he said or did anything for the benefit of both of us. I was reflecting myself and my parents and family in our relationship, giving him respect before he ever earned it … Your daughter is probably doing the same … believing what he says is the truth …not knowing that he has an ulterior motive behind anything he says or does with her. If she received trust from you (her parents) she is projecting that same trust that she knows onto her husband. It’s really simple if you see it in these terms.
Just be there for her when he wants to move on and her bubble bursts … she will definitely need you and please, please don’t say anything like “I told you so, you should have listened” … it’s awful when the bubble burst right in your face and space and she will be up-heaved in all areas of her life until her mind grasps any of what happened.
Just be patient and listen. Funny, my mom knew what my EX was like the first night she met him. It was 2 days before my birthday and she asked me right in front of him to stop by the following night after I got out of work. I did … then she followed up with writing a note to me of the same thing in my birthday card (obviously she mailed it to me before I stopped over the following evening). It was the last birthday card I would ever receive from my mom, for she died later on in the beginning of the summer.
Peace. I keep that birthday card in a frame on my mantle over the fireplace. I wished I had listened to her wisdom.
Press eject:
I just think it is wonderful you are “out” and free. That is what my overwhelming feeling is as I read the posts on this blog.
I don’t really know alot of your story. How did the mask slip? How did the beginning of the end come? Was it super, super fast just like the beginning of the relationship? Did you notice any warnings? Was there devalue, before you recognized it, now that you are looking back?
Wini: That was interesting about trust. Yes, she totally trusted in our family and friends as she was growing up. Now, I am wondering if she was in too much of a good, trusting, supportive environment? Now, I wish I would have talked with her about NOT trusting.
I never told her he was “bad”. I tried to be very supportive of her choice. In fact, many of her friends and relatives came forward over the last year and expressed reasons they didn’t like the s. I constantly found myself “sticking up” for him to other people, because I trusted my daughter and I didn’t know why others didn’t trust her judgement. At the time, I didn’t understand the kind of state she was already in.
The first time I met the s, I didn’t think he had any chance with my daughter. I was very surprised she let him into her life.
It wasn’t until after they married that, the s told us we could not have contact with our daughter and any communications had to go though him. The first thing then, I thought was, wow, he’s CONTROLLING!!!
So thanks for the reminders and all your experiences. It is all very helpful and healing for me.
onajourney: I don’t know how you can contact her to warn her if he’s watching every move she makes. And, they do hover over you … except she, if he doesn’t anything like my EX did to me, will not be aware that anyone could do this to another person. I never witnessed my EX doing this to me … but he did, as I realized and saw the unpaid bills he left behind that he hid from me and never mentioned, lies that he verbally told me versus the truth, statements or any written material that came into our home addressed to me, that not only did I ever see them when they first arrived, I never knew they existed until I saw them with my own eyes years after the fact of the post dates. Sme thing goes with phone calls left on answering machines … they conveniently erase what they don’t want us to hear … so we have no clue to who has called our home while we aren’t personally there to answer the phones. They are very very clever individuals and can twist anything they want to so they come out smelling like roses. My EX actually got my bank ID to sign in on the computer to access my account. After he signed up on his computer, he left me the paperwork. I tried and tried to sign on and it never worked. I even wrote the bank and told them that their instructions didn’t work on my computer. I had computer analysts writing me back walking me through other instructions. In hindsight, I realized that the reason I couldn’t access my account was that he installed my account with his password on his own computer and could see everything going on in my bank account. Because I was so destroyed over what my bosses did … I never really looked at my bank statements over the years, so I had no idea that he was stealing money out of my bank account … $100s of dollars at a time, several days per week. It made my head spin in November, December of 2006, and the beginning of 2007 to see what he did to my bank account back in 2004. I think that’s why they add so much added stress in your life … because you can only handle so much … and other normal routines have to go to the way side so that you can deal and handle the stress they dump in your life and still hold up without collapsing. I know my family and friends all wonder why I didn’t handle normal routines when I dealt with my managers harassment for 6 years. All those 6 years too, I never checked my bank account thoroughly like I normally did. I couldn’t. Too much added stress … I had to let others things go to be able to handle what my bosses dished out. I would come home each and every day exhausted over being in there 8 hours a day … and all along my fiance smiled to my face, pretended to be there for me … and clocked me every step of the way. By the time I found out, not only was I broke, he ensured all the deadlines for suing was over and done with. He played me right up to the mark of when I could have sued to get my house back … so didn’t the attorney down in GA … he kept his mouth shut too … as did my bosses and their cronies … all doing me under, and by the time I figured it all out, deadlines were passed. That’s why I know my EX purposely left the paperwork behind. It’s his last smirk in my face without him being here.
Plus, there are conversations he will have with people in your daughters life … and deny, deny, deny knowing anything they should complain to your daughter about, chalking it up to her friends or family are jealous over how great his relationship is with your daughter … how they never had a man in their lives and they are jealous of her … anything that will make sense to your daughter … he will use. They are NOT stupid people, actually, they are pretty ingenious in the manipulation department. Now, if they could only bottle this genius and use it to good use instead of evil use … they’d have something substantial to offer society.
Peace. Just pray to God for your daughter … that’s all you can do … and secretly, without him knowing or her knowing … keep an eye on her from a distance. Actually, you should incorporate all her friends on knowing this and keeping an eye on her too …just swear them all to secrecy, that no matter what they don’t breath a word to her that they know what’s going on. Everyone has to act stupid. I know this for a fact … one of my best friends has been married to her HS sweetheart that is a Narcissist. I’ve always voiced my opinion about him and their relationship to his face. I made no bones about telling him what a selfish, jerk he was and how he used my friend (his girlfriend then his wife). Well, you guessed it, I was the first friend he ensured got booted out of her life. She chalked it up that she had children now and had nothing in common with me, that I was single again after my divorce. And beside Wini, you make single life look so easy, and if our husbands knew it was just as easy to live without as it is to live with us … well, you know, we don’t need you putting ideas in their heads and looking all happy now that your single again … Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Good luck.