By PressEject
It seems so odd. I wasn’t exactly in love with this person! But I was entirely caught up in his breath, his every sentence, his needs and desires. He charmed me into thinking it was so much more that we shared.
I sensed early on he was not exactly mature in conducting a one-on-one relationship. But I assumed I could help guide him and show him how to trust and become closer.
He came across as unique, at times humble and often very sweet to be with. I heard his “story” and understood how difficult it had been for him trying to feel close to others and I was honored he felt he could be close to me. The story, a true “pity ploy,” pulled me in. But I didn’t think twice. After all, didn’t I also share a similar story of having struggled to achieve deeper intimacy in my life?
But the pace was quick, and it went from instant sexual attraction to having him call me almost every night. It felt wonderful but almost too good. Was I all of a sudden being looked after or being kept in a jar? Was I his focus of warm, kind attention or some kind of lab experiment, something he would slowly dissect each night, probing with questions, appearing to share a sincere interest in my life?
At the time, I didn’t know to question this but instead sensed I had a man that truly thought so much of me. The compliments were lavish, his desire never hidden. I had a wealthy, accomplished, healthy, active and athletic man returning to me with an uncanny and precise regularity. I could almost sense when the phone would ring.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
Six months have passed since I discovered the ugly truth to the type of love I thought I had in my life. That none of the words of love he had written on cards and in emails meant anything. That the desire for sexual passion was his highest state of consciousness, that all else was secondary, frail constructs made of echos he mimicked to sound like adult conversations, or even less substantial gestures used to form a connection based on reflecting my own personable warmth right back to me. Where was the love? Where was his piercing focus on me after he said “that was it, it’s over,” that he could not continue with me. As fast as the relationship had cemented together, it cracked apart!
Grieving, and confused
I had been idolized then tossed aside. From high in the sky with visions of perfect romantic sunsets to merely a shadow in a deep dark ditch where even the reflected glow of one last fading sunset could not reach. Something had died. I was grieving to be sure, but I was confused. The person I thought I knew wasn’t the person that left at the end. So even the death was beyond comprehension.
To have this kind of trust shattered went beyond my understanding of the relationship, it pulled into question everything I had ever thought or done in my life, every action, every desire, and every hope I had ever felt was all suspect now. I didn’t know who I was anymore, my mind struggled to find something to hold onto that would be stabilizing and comforting. A friend helped me to get to church. I wept in front of friends, a priest and my even my understanding of God and His angels would also be clouded by tears.
Days went by, eventually months. I followed a rule of no contact even though at times my heart and mind demanded some kind of better explanation. I learned to let the feelings try to run through me. To let the memories play over and over if they needed to, each time running into the same dead end, deprived of justice or consolation.
In support groups I went back into my childhood experiences of abuse. It took my mind off what had happened recently to me as an adult. I learned others shared similar stories, that we had at times bonded with those that would only perpetuate victimization in our adult lives as we had simply been blinded to how this all worked.
The gift I was given this year was a raw new sensory awareness of how others are simply not able to love the way I had assumed everyone could. I have been left holding onto this gift, not quite sure how to use it as I still feel somewhat paralyzed from all that happened this year. But I know this is the gift I have been given, that the pain, like a birthing pain, was necessary to give me a new life.
Out of the dark ditch
In dedicating myself to recovery, I was aided greatly by much that makes up the site at Lovefraud.com. I benefited from so much that others have shared. I could start to see clearly again, and find a way out of that dark ditch.
A new awareness came to me to understand that to eventually transcend the hurt, I might need to eventually think of others more than myself, but also to know I could find my own respect again for myself. Once I had reached for help and received a certain amount, I learned there were new ways to heal by sharing my own recovery with others.
In this spirit, there are a few thoughts that came to me I wish to share and hope that somewhere out there, someone might read this and find some kind of benefit or comfort through this effort. Perhaps these observations will shed further light into the discussion we at Lovefraud are all a part of.
In particular, I wish to share something that I have questioned for many months and now finally feel I have some better sense of, a deeper personal understanding of the reason why the pain seemed so great. I think it comes down to something very simple. (Please note, this may not apply to other peoples experiences but it seems to make sense of what I went through.)
Child in an adult body
It occurred to me, that being pulled in by a sociopath is similar to being pulled in by a charming child with needs that one would like to help. Yet we are deceived as this is a child in an adult body.
In the early stages of the relationship, I received gifts from the S that seemed to come from genuine caring and adoration. Yet they were very impulsive purchases when I think back.
In numerous accounts, a sociopath is described as having an underdeveloped or missing sense of empathy, and it only becomes fully realized when one is discarded abruptly. And therein lies the shock and the bewilderment. My feeling is that the S pulls us in by appealing to the child in each of us. That we too wish to be completely spontaneous and playful, like carefree children. To be free of adult responsibilities.
If we allow this fantasy to take root, we are then a captive to this, the way any addictive mind-altering drug might make us happy too. Those of us that suffered pain or abuse in our own childhoods, those of us with feelings and adult emotions will often carry some of that hurt with us over the years. Then, when we meet a childlike sociopath, seemingly free of worries and typical adult neuroses, we are able to “join in” and experience a type of childlike innocence (a trance that suspends reality) that never suspects abuse, has never felt abuse and carries no more scars of any of our abuse from the past. We are dangerously deceived in this way. We are liberated yet captive to the drug that deceives us this way.
When the drug wears off, when we are discarded, our nerve endings which only knew the childlike euphoria, along with a sexual high must then experience quite the opposite; abandonment, lost self esteem, and all the adult responsibilities we had been alleviated from temporarily.
Imagine when a child is lost or left behind, that abandonment I feel is the same sad state we are in as we were simply caught up in playing a strange game with an even stranger “child” all along. We cry and hurt and feel it is unfair, and indeed it is.
But we are caught by surprise, and it is this numbing and deceptive child-like trance that we are pulled into and have experienced over some time with our S that factors into how deep the hurt is when it finally arrives. It is like suffering a crash without a seat belt on. We are too innocent in our trance to think we ever needed a seat belt.
The healing process
I believe I return to the discussions here at Lovefraud because the pain I experienced was just so unusual. It is self-protective to try to understand what led us here and to hopefully prevent this from happening again.
Sharing here was helpful. I had struggled to make sense of it all, had put down my experience into words, and in the process, my pain was acknowledged and I felt less alone. Thank you Donna for including me. The healing process is not easy nor is it uncomplicated. I still feel some of the pain from this, but month after month, I walk with my head up a little higher.
I still don’t have all the answers and am learning to accept we never will, but the healing this site alone has given me has been enormous. Hopefully the thoughts I am sharing here will be read as a part of my sincere gratitude.
Thank you also for helping me to remember to use a seat belt! As always, I wish all good things for those that read and share in the site, that we each find the gift of deeper understanding and, in turn, peace from this understanding along with a new found grace in how we apply this into our lives each day.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part Recovery Series, presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 23, 2008.
Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?
I don’t believe in God , but I sure as hell know where the devil is hiding
I am a psychopath victim who has been separated from my female psychopath for 7 months . I dated this woman for 1 year and then moved in with her . I lasted 6 months before I realised that if I did not leave I would be emotionally destroyed . Having left it did not take long for me to realise that the damage was already done and since that time I have been on a quest to not only understand what this woman had done to me but also figure out how she had done it . I have also been trying to understand the essence of the psychopath in order that I do not fall into the same trap again . I will not go into all the details of our relationship at this point as it sounds much the same as many other relationships that I have read and heard about . In the past 7 months I have read about 15 books on the subject , some by victims and some by so called PHD experts on the field . I suppose that one conclusion that I have come to ,is that the medical experts would perhaps be better off studying the victims rather than the psychopaths themselves . I feel that it is us victims that are the experts on psychopaths rather than the doctors that study them from their somewhat outside the situation environment , similar perhaps to studying an animal at the zoo behind the bars of a cage .
As a consequence of my time with this woman I have acquired what can only be described as a 6th sense . That being my ability to spot psychopaths relatively quickly . Having said that I do not believe that I am infallible as some psychopaths are definitely more cunning at hiding their true selves than others and I believe it is easier for me to spot a female one than a male one , although that to seems to be changing as well as time progresses .
I have a couple of theories about psychopaths that I feel may be worth considering and would appreciate any feed back as I am convinced that the more people that are thinking and analysing the whole psychopath dilemma the sooner the world will come up with a answer as to what to do with the problem . In this case knowledge and awareness is power . When I say power , I mean the power to overcome the ignorance of the masses to the whole psychopath problem , which I believe is a far greater problem to humanity than say global warming or global economic depression .
My first theory is that psychopaths are not really male or female , however they are experts at playing the part of which ever body they happen to find themselves in . The fact that psychopaths have elevated testosterone levels may merely be a side issue .
I base this theory , as unscientific as it may sound , on an incident I experienced in a local bar .
What happened was this . I entered the bar , one of the more seedy in town , and bought a beer and sat at a vacant table . I observed the surroundings and the people . Needless to say it was a creepy bunch . It was about 10.30 at night and there were about 40 people in the bar . As I gazed about wondering at the wisdom of being in such a place , I noticed a woman at one table talking with a group of people and was immediately suspicious that she was a psychopath . I was sitting to the right of their table , about 20 feet away , and was somewhat stunned when she turned and looked directly at me , as if she had some 6th sense that I was observing . At this point I was convinced I was dealing with a psychopath as the look she gave me could only be described as predatory . I decided at this point that I should test my intuition. I took my beer and headed over to the crowded table . Everyone there had definitely been drinking for quite some time so it was relatively easy to join in the conversation . The psychopath was immediately on guard . Well , feeling somewhat confident I asked her if she was a psychopath . Well as soon as she opened her mouth I realised that this was not a woman at all but a transvestite and she admitted as such . My immediate thought was , well don’t this just mix up the pot a bit . Was this a psychopath masquerading as a transvestite , or are all transvestites psychopaths or was there something else going on that I had not read about in the books . By now my curiosity was definitely stirred . The transvestite also had a woman with her that was apparently her partner , lover , who knows . We discussed the whole psychopath subject for quite some time . Initially they said they did not know what a psychopath was . After giving as detailed a description as I could, of what a psychopath was the transvestite said “ I think I was one once , but not any more “. As the evening progressed I became amazed at the chameleon like abilities of the transvestite . He would talk to me as a woman but talk to the women at the table as a man . He seemed totally at ease switching from female mode to male mode . Bizzarist thing I had ever seen . At some point I realised that his female companion was also a psychopath . The whole situation was becoming more complicated by the minute . As the evening progressed I became aware that the transvestite was directing all his attention at me . He then proceeded with manipulation and head games that were all to familiar to me , having experienced it before from my X . At this point things really turned weird as the way he spoke reminded me of my X and the way she spoke . I now realised that I was psychopath prey and the 2 of them seemed to think they could charm me . I realised It was time to flee . Who knows what their plan was . I suspected they were at least going to rob me . I headed for the toilet and slipped out the back door into the night .
This encounter with the transvestite and his ability to change from male mode to female mode mid sentence made me think about my relationship with my X . At the beginning of our relationship the sex was out of this world . From the day I moved in until the day I left that wonderfull sex life went down hill so fast it was unfathomable . In the end , 6 months later, it was hard to imagine we had ever had a good sex life .
On to another theory . It seems to me that when psychopaths are talking the whole weaving in and out nature of the conversation is actually done on purpose to confuse the victim rather than something that the psychopath has no control over . I believe this whole manoeuvre is an attempt to shut down the logical mind of the victim and perhaps gain access to the subconscious . Whether the psychopath realises the mechanism or not I don’t know , but they sure as hell seem to know how to do it Some times when me and my X got into one of our many arguments , by the time the argument was over I did not even know what we were arguing about . Her ability to befuddle my mind was uncanny . Of course at the time I was hardly aware of what was going on . It is only now when I think back that I realise what was going on .
So I guess the question is , what do psychopaths do to other people’s minds and how . I find it hard to believe that a psychologist who has never been manipulated to the extent that a victim has , while in a relationship with a psychopath , can understand what it is really like .
One other thing I noticed is that when my X would talk and believe me ,it was basically all the time , she seemed to be talking at me rather than too me . We would start off having a discussion that would turn into an argument and at some point I would basically shut off as she rambled on . I think it was at these times that she gained access to my subconscious . I remember on a number of occasions she would say something totally off topic to see if I was still listening . Was she really testing to see if I was still listening or was she testing to see if I had shut down , and was this her cue to add tidbits of manipulation to my subconscious . I know this sounds crazy but there was something going on that I seemed to be not aware of .
As the months have gone by it would seem to me that there are more psychopathic women than might be realised . I have certainly met at least 10 in the last 7 months . I have also met women who I am sure were not psychopaths as well , if one was wondering if perhaps I thought all women were psychopaths , as I am sure they are not .I suspect that female psychopaths are less likely too end up in jail like so many of the male ones . This statement would seem to contradict my first theory about psychopaths being neither male or female in some sense . What I suspect is that in a male body the psychopath knows that he is physically superior to his female victims and as such is more likely to use violence . The female psychopath would find that using violence would not work against the average man so they have to be more cunning . They tend to attack the mind instead , which is not a criminal offense .
I dont believe in the wind or the rain or that the Earth is round or stars are real or Penutbutter or puppies or Roses!
I do Know what a Fireant is ,so there put that in your Book! LOVE JJ
press eject,
Like probably so many others, I could have written this article too. Thanks for doing so. It feels like it came right from my heart onto these pages.
It seems to me that what is most difficult to understand is the love we shared with these sociopaths was one sided yet it felt like the kind of mutual love we hope for our entire lives. They want us to believe that and maybe they believe it themselves for a very short time…… until their arrogance gets in the way of human imperfection and their disordered ideas. Then we become the victim of their abuse, projection, discard and lack of ethics and moral fortitude.
It’s hard to believe that an individual can abuse and discard so easily when that love was so perfect (from their own mouths). Makes no sense to otherwise emotionally healthy individuals. But we leave because we are smart enough to realize (as you were early on) that this would have meant our ultimate destruction. It was killing me. I couldn’t focus at work. I was depressed. It was making me crazy….. and then I learned what I may not have otherwise understood if I did not have first hand knowledge.
Thanks for the post. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I can relate so clearly.
As far as the ambiguity of sexuality- I agree. ON Lovefraud there’s the a blog on the “sexuality” of psychopaths- I believe it is stated that they are neither gay nor straight, and not even bi, but rather opportunists.
I believe this wholeheartedly based on the two psychos I know well.
And as far as playing “male or female” sure they play all sorts of games, why not mess with gender? It’s all games.
holywatersalt: I tend to believe what Lowen (since he is a proclaimed Narcissists) wrote about sex and the narcissist …that we (the partner) are an extension of the masturbation process … variety of sorts for them. Hence, why the numerous partners going on concurrently.
That made total sense to me, since their is no remorse when leaving or staying with the main partner (place of dwelling location is what I consider the main partner).
Peace.
Yes, just dildos we are. : )
Oh, I am going to be ill.
Wini-
What’s Lowen’s book?
holywatersalt: Alexander Lowen is the doctor who wrote the book “Narcissism, Denial of the True Self”. He’s a self proclaimed Narcissist. I forgot if he’s an MD or Ph.D. Has a practice as an analyst. He wrote about the condition and gives about 7-9 examples of his actual patients to back up his conclusion of what the narcissistic condition is all about.
At the end of the book he summarizes something like …A life devoid of emotion is beyond your imagination. To my mind, this meant every second of every minute of every hour of every day is the same thing over and over and over … year after year after year. No highs, no lows, no waffling, nothing … NODDA … the dead zone … living, walking, talking zombies … the living dead …the lives in the abyss.
Hey, maybe they are HELL and we realize this. Maybe that’s their damnation to go through life like this,
Who knows?
Peace.
Wow! I am going to have to go back and read some of the previous posts since I saw Alexander Lowen’s name. I was reading his book (Bioenergetics) when I found this site. It’s a fascinating book, especially if you are interested in psychology from an energy perspective, as I am. He is the one who feels that psychopaths have a particular form of energetic blockage that can be released. After reading other literature, I tend to disagree with him, and don’t think he ever worked with a true psychopath. I have not read his other works, nor did I realize he considers himself a narcissist. But keep in mind that from his perspective, EVERYONE has some body armoring to some degree. He believes we all have some characteristics of either narcissism, masochism, psychopathology, shizoid personality, or rigidity. Or we have a combination. He believes (and I tend to agree) that it’s absolutely impossible to remain completely free of body (and psychological) armoring in our current society.
I know I have seen narcissistic/borderline characteristics in myself, and I believe they are prevalent to some extent in many people when they dig deep into their psyche. I feel that this is the reason so many people are fascinated by psychopaths, because deep down many people have some little part that wonders what it would be like totally ignore the rules of society and just please ourselves. Obviously, there would be more criminal behavior if there were no consequences.
But for some, there are no consequences for lying, being fraudulent, cheating and hurting people emotionally, career wise, or psychologically unless money is missing or someone gets hurt…..
That’s the problem. That’s what frustrates me. The XP I was with keeps telling the same lies over and over. Life for him stays exactly the same. How does it end for them unless they do something illegal and get caught?