Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence. She previously submitted a piece called All Alone.
Raped-unzel let her hair down and a batterer climbed up.
Mr. No-Longer-Charming had seduced her with lying words and false promises, and now she lay married to a man that called her a whore.
Oh—and said he loved her, too, usually soon after he called her a whore.
Raped-unzel said to Mr. No-Longer-Charming: “Don’t confuse me with comatose Sleeping Beauty over there, in that fairy tale. I can see through your lies, straight down to your true colors.”
So, she is in The Flip Side of the Fairy Tale—the side no one talks about, or warned her about.
Now, Mr. No-Longer-Charming acted like he owned her, but he didn’t think that meant taking care of her, much like a fish you never feed. Most of the time, he just acted like he didn’t wanted to be bothered with her because she “busted his balls.” And his perceived busted balls meant he’d “teach her a lesson;” they were cause for carefully calculated punishment. How dare Raped-unzel DEFY him?
So Raped-unzel tried at first to be invisible, to disappear into the wall, to be not-too-demanding, not-too-needy, not-too-THERE, until she realized, until she let herself come to the realization, that there is NO relationship when there is NO RELATING. She didn’t even feel like she could go to him with the happiness or challenges of her day.
She was alone in his marriage, in this false union based on his lies, his pressure, his threats, his coercion, his force.
So, she begins the slow, empowering process of dissolving it—all the while thinking: “I wish I had NOT let down my hair that day.”
bluejay
This is a cleverly written article, really speaking “loud and clear” about what a marriage to an abusive person is like. There is no relationship because there is no-one to relate to – you’re all alone, on your own.
DawnG
“Raped-unzel let her hair down and a batterer climbed up.”
This is me. I let my hair down after 10 years of being single and raising 4 children alone. An abusive, violent sociopath climbed right up.
panther
Love this! When I first started reading it, I thought, “Oh, did I write this?” As is the case with some many LF stories! Gosh, we can relate to each other!
And the moral of the story is: Keep your hair in a scrunchie or clip until you learn enough Kung Fu to whoop Mr. Not-so-Charming if he climbs up your hair while it’s down OR Next time you put your hair down, cut it off and use it to climb out of the tower yourself (If the fairy tale princess had any brains, she woulda done this.)
I am thinking maybe I should re-write every famous fairy tale for the 21st century, starting with this one. Rapunzel will notice that if her hair is long enough to climb up, then it’s long enough to climb down, and she’ll save her own ass, go get an education, and start her own Queendom. 😀
Ox Drover
Pamela, good analogy! There are so many fairy tales that the flip side of them isn’t really “pretty” or charming, where Cinderella doesn’t find the prince, but ends up with the toad instead, under the wheels of the carriage, with broken glass in her foot and not a glass slipper.
I always wondered why her father let her step mother abuse Cinderella. Why didn’t he stop the old witch? Maybe her step father was a coach at Penn State.
MiLo
I think it is safe to say Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater was a spath. What about that Little Old Lady that Lived in a Shoe, child abuser if I ever heard of one. Then there is always Rock A Bye Baby, who put that cradle in the tree anyways?
Ah, the soothing words we tell our children at bedtime.
Pamela, well written.
skylar
Milo,
I had never heard the last 2 lines of the little old lady who lived in a shoe.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
I guess all the books I read had cleaned up the old woman’s image by the early 70’s.
MiLo
Sky ~ I must have been a terrible mother ~ when my second son was little, everytime he went outside he would put his hand over his nose. This child did a lot of “quirky” things, so I didn’t think too much of it. Finally I said to him, “why are you covering your nose” his reply was “No way dicky bird is going to peck off my nose!”
Four and Twenty Blackbirds was my favorite, the original version where the “dicky bird pecks off the maid’s nose in the garden”
So comforting