By | November 11, 2011 36 Comments

Bringing up our children, the hope of the world

Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors and respects all spiritual traditions. This article refers to teachings of Christianity.

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)

Recently there have been horrible and depressing videos and news stories about parents who are “supposedly” upright citizens but are abusers of their children. Even a professional person like Judge William Adams was seen on video severely beating and cursing his 16-year-old daughter. In addition, there have been in my own acquaintance a minister with children who was caught in a pedophile pornographic sting by the police as he was sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14-year-old girl, who thank goodness, was a 40-year-old deputy sheriff.

This sort of news, along with the “usual” news of the people who abuse children, story after story, is so depressing: The former Penn State football coach preying on underprivileged kids. A man who beat his three-year-old stepdaughter to death because she didn’t want to eat a hot dog. The step mother who killed the deaf little Australian girl who had already survived cancer at the loss of her leg.

It is severely depressing to me that such horrible things go on every day to children who have no choice about leaving an abusive relationship. It is depressing to me that people know about “bruises” on these children before they are severely wounded or killed, and fail to report it to the authorities, or fail to take action. It is difficult for me to get these stories out of my mind, or to hold back the tears of rage, frustration and anger that I hold against these situations and the people who do these horrible things in their own lives and yet, sit on the bench in family court, or stand in the pulpit and “preach” to others about how to raise a child, while going home and secretly texting “dirty pictures” to what they believe is a young girl.

The text for most sermons for bringing up children in a Christian manner is taken from St. Paul speaking to the various churches about how to bring up their children.

Ephesians 6:4”—And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Colossians 3:21”—Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Overall, Paul is teaching us not to promote an angry mood or disposition in our children. Doing so may boomerang on us, because children will eventually reflect the disposition of the parents. Firmness in correction is fine, but we must especially be careful about our temperament when we give correction. Paul is talking about injustice, over-correction, neglect, and physical cruelty in correction.

If we want our children to grow up with empathy, compassion and a moral compass, we must display and model these things for our children so that they can emulate our own empathy, compassion and our own moral compasses. Children are not born knowing “right from wrong,” but are born with the capacity to learn right from wrong by our teaching and our modeling.

Too many times parents say to their children “do as I say, not as I do.” But the funny thing about that is our “actions speak louder than words.” Or these same parents will use the text from the Old Testament as an excuse to exercise physical abuse against the children that they are trying to “correct.”

Proverbs 13:24—”He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes.”

Proverbs 23:13-14—”Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”

The old phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child,” by the way, is not actually in the Bible, but is condensed, it is thought, from the above verses.

What is the “take away lesson” from all of these depressing stories of abuse of children, even by “esteemed members of the community—”judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers? I think that we as individuals are not only responsible for being role models for our own kids, but are responsible for watching out for the welfare of the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids in our scout troops, the kids in our churches, the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids our kids play with.

As citizens, we may not be “mandated reporters” and required by law to report even the suspicion of child abuse to “child protective services,” as most professionals (doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, etc.) are in most states. But I think that we ARE mandated by our compassion for the pain and danger of these children, and our own consciences, to report these events, or even the suspicion of abuse to the authorities. If these children are being “provoked to wrath” and “discouraged” by abuse, only the intervention from an outside source can truly stop it before it is too late. Psychopathic parents or stepparents will not stop the abuse on their own, and we, of all people, as former victims of psychopathic abuse, should know this.

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Good article Oxy,
humans need behavior reinforcement with punishment and reward, just like any other social animal. It helps create a conscience. I think that where parents go wrong is when they shame their child. They might not ever physically touch the child (though it often DOES accompany beatings) but they make the child feel unworthy and unlovable through words, actions or inaction. This makes the child feel ashamed of who they are, rather than being ashamed for what they have done.

That kind of shame, I believe, is the root of many cases of narcissism and psychopathy. After that upbringing, there is not enough love in the world to make that person feel loved. They become a black hole.

But how do you report a case of a parent who has created shame in their child? It leaves no physical evidence.

Ox Drover

Sky, your question “how do you report a case of a parent who has created shame in their child? It leaves no physical evidence?”

That is the “64 thousand dollar question”—we as a society aren’t able to protect the ones who are ALSO physically abused, and sexually abused, much less those that are emotionally abused.

Sometimes when I read news stories about these children, and the papers seem full of stories about them, or hear them on the news, I get really depressed about the state of our society.

Compared to so many of these kids, my childhood was “ideal,” because at least I survived it! We’ve got bloggers here, Concerned Grandmother, and others who witness the emotional abuse of their beloved grandchildren and are powerless to do anything about it. My dear friend whose P-son wouldn’t let her see the granddaughter she raised from birth til age 8 after he remarried (another disordered woman) and over the last 8 years my friend had to volunteer at the girl’s school so she could wave at the child across the lunch room to let her know she still loved her. Fortunately, after about 4-6 years of this, the girl got old enough and insistent enough that the father finally let her spend some time with her grandmother. My friend also made peace with the disordered bio-mother of the girl so that she could see the girl some on the bio- mother’s “visitation” times. The girl has turned out very well in spite of having two disordered parents, a disordered step mother and a LOT of drama in her life, thanks to my friend showing this child love and caring.

Allergic to Spandex

I’m very proud of my younger sister for a great many things, including the way she’s raising her kids (boy, age 9, and girl, just turned 5). If Nephew plays too roughly with Niece, or tickles her too long, and she objects, my sister jumps right in and reinforces that — she tells Nephew loud and clear, “If it’s about someone’s BODY, you HAVE TO STOP when they tell you to stop!”

I wish more kids were raised this way. I wish my ex-spath had been. But at least that’s how my sister’s kids are being raised.

Ox Drover

Dear LadysweetG,

I agree with your sister, we must HONOR BOUNDARIES…when people tell us to STOP we must do so, but I also think it goes further than just physical or body boundaries, but into emotional boundaries as well.

Your sister is AWARE of boundaries and is teaching her children to also be aware of boundaries. Modeling this. Unfortunately, too many of us who either didn’t have boundaries, or didn’t know it was OK for us to enforce a boundary, allowed people to abuse us. Not only is your sister enforcing her son’s respect for other’s boundaries but enforcing your niece’s RIGHT to SET BOUNDARIES with others and expect that they honor and respect those boundaries.

TOWANDA for your sister!!!!!


Fantastic article!! Thank you!


Great article Joyce, thanks for posting!!! Brought tears to my eyes. And Skylar , your point about a parent instilling shame is really a good one, one of the things my SIL is doing to my niece. Too many sick people out there, very sad. Yeah the children are the hope of the world, everyone should see that!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Caringaunt,

Your welcome! This Penn State thing has had me triggered all week, and it is so sad that people put sports, or anything else, for that matter, before the welfare of children.

The egos of parents I think do more damage than the belts that they beat the kids with….the scars and bruises on the body heal, but the emotions are battered in perpetuity I think. I only got one beating in my life from the egg donor, and I was so angry at her I “provoked” it knowing what I was doing would result in her taking a belt to me…but I just wanted to show her she couldn’t make me cry. I “won” that round, if you can call that a “win.” LOL But the continual devaluation hurt much much more than any lick she ever hit me. Over 50 years after that episode where she “beat” me, it is still not as painful as the look on her face was a few years ago when she recalled the beating and how “justified” it was because she said “you lied to me.” Funny thing was, I didn’t lie to her that day, I had sassed her, and when she justified in her own mind the beating, she still hadn’t had time to SWALLOW the LIE IN HER OWN MOUTH. (Head shaking here)

But I hope that everyone here who has been devalued by someone else and learned from that experience will pass on that knowledge to children and parents they encounter. Our children are our HOPE, as a species, as a world, as a nation, as a community, as a family, and as individuals.


Joyce, your egg donor displays some of the same traits as my SIL. Always justifies and defends actions, blames others for their actions “beating.” I am sorry to hear about your experiences. Glad you are doing well now,the knowledge you have is your power, they can’t fool you anymore or hurt you! I have a lot of respect for you for helping others with similar issues, most of all you did not lose your human qualities & compassion after having been exposed to so many psychopaths!!! I hope my niece holds on to her moral compass. She is very capable of love, has amazing instincts, has normal inhibitions, and knows right from wrong, but SIL is attacking each and every one of her normal traits, and training her to be the complete opposite of who she is!!!

Also read your post elsewhere about evil existing when nobody does anything about it. How true!!! I am thinking of my brother and even my mom, they have selfish motives to say nothing, ignore the situation, and this is exactly what the SIL is taking advantage of. If I just had the support of my brother & mom, surely we could all do more to help my niece. I am the only one in the family fighting for her, and I can’t even do too much about it. I am carrying a lot of guilt for not being able to do more…

Ox Drover

Dear Caringaunt,

Being/feeling “guilty” about not being able to do more is counterproductive for you…you ARE doing all that you CAN. That may not be as MUCH AS YOU WANT TO but it is all that is POSSIBLE.

I hope that you will “adjust your thinking” on this as carrying a big load of guilt isn’t going to do you any good or the girl.

Look around like my friend did and find some way that you can connect with the girl outside of the mother’s presence…some way you can get “around” the mother’s evil influence and add in a positive influence. My friend was able to volunteer at the girl’s school, she would go to the ice rink and sit in the audience and watch and wave at the girl as she skated….it didn’t seem like much but it let her granddaughter know she was THERE for her and as time went on the girl got more insistent on seeing her grandmother….and eventually as an older child she got to.

So whatever you can do now, do that, and keep up your prayers and contact with the girl. When you are around her, give her compliments —make sure they are valid–about how she looks or behaves, or Something you have heard about her school work, or her friends….”Oh, Susie, I hear you made good grades this term….what a smart girl you are, and how hard you work.” That is something you can do even in front of the mother. Or you can say to the mother in front of the girl, ‘Gee, mommy-dearest, you must be so proud of daughter for making all A’s, I’m sure you are pleased to have such a smart and hard working daughter”

As for your brother and your mom, it IS frustrating that these people will STAND BY and not “rock the boat” where this issue is concerned, but unfortunately, that is the way it works with MANY PEOPLE. They “don’t see it” or they “don’t want to make a scene” or whatever.

My egg donor is driving now, over 7 years after her DOCTOR told her NOT TO DRIVE….on a busy narrow winding road that has a huge amount of big truck traffic as well as local traffic…and I asked a friend of mine who still has a relationship with her to speak to her about her driving, and he did, unsuccessfully, do so…of course not telling her where he got the information…but once upon a time when I had begged this same friend to help me, he “didn’t want to get involved” and until the DIL and the Trojan Horse were arrested after trying to kill my other son, he wouldn’t get involved. Now, he has agreed to help, but I don’t depend on him for MUCH…but any helps.

So, don’t give up….you may be the only positive influence in this child’s life. God bless.


Recently I fully understood the jealousy of a spath; towards his own children ..goes like this is in a court room me to judge ‘mr toss*er has already given evidence his children are not a priority and has paid nothing for 2 years, has taken me to court and used 5 addresses to avoid bailiffs’ ..judge to me ‘I have read the judgment against mr t***sser, and understand your frustration of being taken to court yet again by mr t***sser’. Spath ranting ‘I never took the whore to court’ ..judge to spath ‘yes you did’, spath to judge ‘you are an idiot’ ..judge to me ‘I fully understand mrs ….’.

Ranting spath ‘my daughter is thick and needs to get a job’; judge explains to spath ‘that is clearly untrue’ ..ranting continues ..judge to spath ‘do you understand the term vexatious litigant’ ..spath to judge ‘it is a whore, child abuser etc ..I have not had a fathers day card this year because the whore won’t let my children send me one’.
etc etc etc; judge to spath ‘you will go back before JE who knows you well mr to**ser for a full 1 day hearing’ ..spath starts ranting …I leave ..with the ‘I’m going to get an injunction/restraining order out on you’ ..judge to spath ‘that is your privilege’ .I am closing the door ..and grinning at my father, who can hear the to**er ranting even outside //

My daughter is 18, my son 17, he has paid no CM, takes me to court continually, married a woman off the internet, claimed under oath to have spent 60k on the wedding and is now divorced ..oh after 15 months; he has not seen his children in 6 years!!

My children’s hope is never to see the to**ser ever again ..apart from his pity me ploy he has not received a fathers day card; he then refers to a ‘cousin’ who has committed suicide; it is actually his nephew who he has not seen in decades, that didn’t work so he did the ‘I’m divorced again’; but he is still with her, still paying for her kids ..methinks that is an ‘in’ for the future ..his latest pity me ploy ‘he has arthritis in his fingers ..any may never work again on a keyboard’ ..who cares ..he actually thinks a judge will care ..

It is so pathetic …we just laugh ..being called a whore at every court appearance..I have got used to children are thick hence they find it difficult to send the spath a fathers day card ..strange he is 2 weeks away from being arrested for child abuse …case all done, been to crown prosecution, him and ex wife …justice for my son ..abused ..he had a broken leg (skiing), he could not even runaway …they are sick!!

Rant over, teach children, listen and justice can be found ..

Ox Drover


Is there a chance he will go to JAIL for failure to pay up on CM? Can the judge put him in jail for “contempt of court” (acting like an ass, calling the judge names etc) judges here can put a person in jail for that kind of behavior and they WILL do so.


Movingon ~

Most of us have the problem of the spath wearing the mask of Mr./Mrs. Nice Guy in court and con the judges. Sounds like your’s left his “nice mask” in his other pants.

You are so right – they are sickos !!



Yes, the spath wears the mask of Mr. Nice Guy. People eventually learn how he actually is. Our spath left town with a bang, whereabouts unknown. Well, the spath is still alive – we have proof that he stayed in hotel rooms a couple of times and now we’ve recently received letters from him in the mail (one to the oldest son and one to me), trying to get our sympathy – he’s in a bad way, wanting to rebuild his life, etc. He wrote one to me telling me that he loves me and the kids. If the authorities ever catch him, he’ll be rebuilding his life in a jail cell. I told a counselor, I feel like I’m in a soap opera (a nightmare) that I can’t get out of. It all wears on you mentally.

Ox Drover

Dear Bluejay,

Him wanting to “rebuild his life” is no more real or true than him “going to kill himself”—LOL It is like Dr. Hare said, they just “can’t learn the music” even if they can learn to say the words, they can’t hear the TUNE. LOL At least though, the letters and the antics he is pulling will show the kids and others what a FAKER he is. I know it has hurt the kids, but they will be more able to recover knowing the truth than him pretending to be Mr. Nice guy!


Blue Jay,
is there any way you can reply with, “aren’t you done killing yourself yet?”
or promise him a lovely funeral. They love drama.

I don’t mean to make light of your feelings and what you are going through, but it makes me sick that he is still trying to reel you back in. If there is anyway you can laugh at him, you will find some healing in the laughter.


I was not expecting receiving letters from him, so I was surprised by them, especially the one that came earlier this week, apologizing to me for not taking “better care of you,” also stating that he loves me and the kids (I haven’t heard any expression of love toward me in years). He claims that he has been wandering around and is seeking help (from what I’m assuming is a mental health facility). Since his word is unreliable, I’m guessing that it’s bogus. What I can’t stand is that I react emotionally (getting upset, imagining him homeless, wandering around, alone, eating out of trash bins, etc.). All of this wears on me because I am unable to disconnect emotionally. The letters get me thinking, concern rising. I don’t know where he is. I’ve become suspicious of his family members, wondering if they know his whereabouts. When the spath went missing, his family members descended on my house. Spath’s former employee told me that when she visited us a day or two after he went missing, she went away feeling something was off – she told me that it dawned on her that his family members (eg. brothers and sisters) were unemotional about him leaving in a dramatic way, they didn’t react the way you would expect family members to respond (with high emotion). She told me that she could tell that I was very upset, shaky, not doing well, and the kids were upset, crying, etc. It took this woman to point this out to me – she thought that the spath’s family members responded in an odd way. The more I think about this family – they don’t seek each other out when they need to be comforted emotionally. This is what I want to be free of – analyzing this family.


Bluejay ~ My P daughter disappeared off the face of the earth for about 4 months. I understand how your mind can wander, I had the same feelings, living on the streets, eating out of trash cans, etc. She was actually living in a very nice apartment, having a merry old time, until the law caught up with her.

I’ll bet you he IS with family members. The letters, well the suicide threat didn’t work, so now he is seeking help (another one my daughter used more than once) and saying I’m sorry. Yea, right, when pigs fly and as Hens says, bacon is hanging from the trees. It is VERY hard to disconnect emotionally, because we are the ones that actually have emotions. But, you know that is what you must do. And yes, you NEED to be free of the drama of his family too.

I am so sorry. Stay strong.

Oh, feeling like you are living in a soap opera, I felt like I was on marathon episodes of Jerry Springer !!!


First off, I’ve been on LF for awhile now and YOU are a ray of sunshine (literally AND figuratively) for SO many people. Keep the faith! I don’t know how you have time for all your posts, but you shed a lot of light on helping people understand the OH, that’s what “this” is. I spent friggin’ years trying to figure out what was “wrong” with my spath. Sometimes he seemed so normal and sometimes so off. But now I see the “off” is the mask, the lies that they are able to make so believeable, the pity ploy.
Bluejay – don’t fall for any of this stuff. His letters are nonsense and fake. Remember, it’s just words and there is no behavior to back up the words. Look for actions and behavior. My spath layed on the couch one day and said he felt like killing himself. Now, I would say, “Please do, how can I help?” LOL
At the time I was so upset I called his brother. He asked me, “In what context?” (did he say this?) He was no more concerned about this than if he had fettuccine or linguine or spaghetti. Pasta is Pasta. A sociopath is a spath. Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, oh it is a duck.


I literally can’t grasp why they play with people’s emotions, why the bleep he’s writing to me and my son. The letters came out of nowhere. Can he not write his brothers or sisters, leaving us alone? Whenever something arises (in connection to the spath), it literally triggers internal reactions (anxiety, depression, etc.) that takes a day or two for me to “come down” from, getting equilibrium again. In my letter, he told me that he’s “lost 25 lbs.” and that he doesn’t want the kids to see him “like this.” That was disturbing and alarming. When I told his brother about the letter, he said that the spath could talk people into doing things for him (he probably wasn’t homeless nor eating out of trash bins) and that he was overweight (not true), so losing 25 lbs. wasn’t so bad. I don’t understand these people.


A comment on the advice to CaringAunt:

My MIL does exactly what you suggested. However in a fake phoney showy way. She is often looking for a way to find some time to connect with my children outside of their mother’s presence (That would be ME). She always wanted the kids alone. She now sits at their events and waves and smiles – then looks around to all the parents like – look at me what a wonderful grandmother I am. All of her interactions are sugary, syrupy, sickeningly sweet, over the top and she shops and takes them to lunch and it’s all so positive. When the kids were little she made me feel like she was doing me such a favor with any little bit of care taking. I always felt like I owed her, like I could never repay her. But the kids know, they never talk about anything real, too deep, too emotional. It’s all very superficial, which some days is fine. In fact if she gets to seeming real it’s about something wrong with her (the pity play on the grandkids) She is an spath herself, but is expert at ACTing like she cares, but in private she has locked the other cousins out of the house, held one of them’s head under the faucet to “calm her down”, argues like a brat with one of them. My kids swear she’s never done this to them. The day I decided my kids spend less time with their grandma was agonizing. Now I am so glad, once I finally figured out who she really was.

As for her relationship with my spath wasband, she feels sorry for him. When he acted overworked, she says “I hear it’s like that for all guys in the high tech industry. They hardly have any time to spend with their families. Have you tried feeling sorry for him?” Spath would say to me, You have no idea how hard I work, I have a headache, my stomach hurts, blah blah blah He seemed so fragile sometimes. That’s the pity…. don’t expect anything out of me while I’m at home with you. Faker, actor, poser, spath, loser, phoney. Yeah for me, now his mistress can take him for the ride of his life. Ha Ha
Hey, I’m healing, I’m laughing and it feels GREAT


Don’t try to understand. Accept them for what they ARE. It’s a process and I am still working at it.
As for the trigger’s emotional reactions, oh god, do I know about that. The cure is this: NO CONTACT. Don’t even look at those letters and if you decide you must, then decide beforehand that 98% of it is false, in fact look at them with amusement. Laugh at all the stupid shit they say. Picture him as a comedian trying to look ridiculous. DO NOT RESPOND. The only way to heal is purge them out of your life. Get rid of every little thing around that makes you even think about them.

They play with ppls emotions because it is what fuels them, it is what gives them power, it’s sustenance. Read about narcissitic supply. You, the kids, anyone he can get to listen to his BS is called supply. Look at the loss of 25 pounds as amusing. Think of it as probably a good thing (if it is true). He is looking for pity. Very few people are capable of starving themselves.

I repeat, do not try to understand them. Just when you think you understand, something will change , they will put the rug out, they will kick your feet out from under you.. Think of him as a recalcitrant child.



After reading the letters that he sent to my son and me, he is putting on the pity ploy (I’m getting that now). What I’m questioning is whether in his mind, he’s thinking that I would reconcile with him. No way. Also, he said that he would contact me in December. In the son’s letter, he complained about how we (my oldest son and I) weren’t aware of all the heavy-duty pressures that he had (like we don’t have them too), also mentioning the way that I talked to him on a regular basis (disrespectfully). He blew up his life in a major way and WE are affected by the choices that he made. Somehow, I must ignore and NOT REACT to the drama-maker.


Ask yourself, “Is my life better with him?” … Of course, he is wanting to make you think YOU should reconcile. I told myself that my spath would have to beg, crawl and apologize 100 times, go to counseling and I realized this: these were conditions that I placed on him. None of it had to do with any expectations HE had for HIMSELF. He did not want to be a better person, I WANTED him to be a better person. And so what if you’re not aware of all the pressure he has (more pity). It is his problem to change jobs or his life. it’s not your problem and he is trying to make it that way.
My advice: NO CONTACT, don’t wait for December, get on with your life and what you need. If he really cared you probably would know by now through his actions and behavior.
Nurture yourself. Get a massage. Hike. Get your hair done. Read affirmations. Read more love fraud. Take care of yourself and your son.

Ox Drover


He is trying to make YOU RESPONSIBLE for HIS BEHAVIOR….I agree with honest–DO NOT READ THE LETTERS. Take the letters to the police–I am assuming you filed a report when he went “missing”

I think his family not being upset that he was “missing” is because they KNEW he was not Really “missing”

NO CONTACT with his family is all you can do.

Honest: I know all about the “fake loving behavior” of your MIL presents, and believe me the psychopaths can put on the FAKE LOVE with the “best of em” My own egg donor is an expert. LOL The psychopaths pretend to be the victims of the REAL VICTIMS. It makes you want to puke!


honestkindgiver, Oxy, Skylar, and MiLo –

Thanks for your input. I know that I need to “gray rock” him and anyone else that could be trying to mess with my mind.

Ox Drover


I think it is past the point of “gray rock” (being boring) to them, and time for NO CONTACT at ALL….that includes anyone with a contact with him—his family entirely. His friends. your “mutual friends” (if such there are any) so that he has NO INFORMATION SOURCE for you, or what you are doing. People will “feed him” information they have about you, how you are doing, etc. Information he will use to emotionally “molest” you, make you feel sorry for him, blame HIS PROBLEMS on YOU…or your kids for “mistreating” him–HIS PHONEY SUICIDE NOTES to his CHILDREN are about as EVIL ***EVIL*** a thing I can even imagine a person doing to their children emotionally. NO OTHER PURPOSE THAN TO HURT THEM…..

Blue, NO CONTACT with this EVIL man is the only way you and your children can survive. YOu must realize and help your children realize that this man is EVIL, truly EVIL without any redeeming social value. There is NO “good part” down inside this man no matter how deeply you dig. ANY CONTACT with him, even reading what he writes is like ingesting POISON. Don’t read it, don’t let your kids read it. Keep them away from the poison.

Keep all these letters though, and when you go to court to get him BARRED from seeing his kids you will have proof of his INSTABILITY, and the DANGER he is to his kids. Hang in there, sweetie! He is digging his own grave as far as the relationship is concerned, and you must protect your kids from being drawn into the drama as well as yourself. God bless you (((hugs))))


Thanks Joyce for your insightful advice again, you are really a great help (so is this site and other kind people here).

Yeah, I will try to adjust my thinking. Incidentally my niece does get A+ in all her classes, she will be 6 the end of this month, and already in first grade. She is academically very smart, I hope she holds on to her love & compassion. I will compliment her positive behaviors, and will try to do what I can, for one day I want her to have best friends, fall in love with a wonderful man, and be a loving mother to her kids, because she has the potential to be all that and more. Thanks for your prayers.


Ox Drover,

I read your post. Thanks. I will re-implement NO CONTACT with the spath (especially making a point of not reading his letters which send me into an emotional tailspin). My head is clearing, being able to think rationally. After all the chit that my family and I have experienced due to the spath (over the years), there is no way on God’s green earth that I would allow us to get anywhere near him. I am very suspicious of the spath’s brothers and sisters (certain ones), now accepting the fact that they could be helping their brother while he “is missing.” There are bits-and-pieces of information (coming from different sources) that might be clues – putting them together and a puzzle is forming. Thanks for your advice.

Ox Drover

Dear Bluejay,

No contact isn’t just about not taking them back, it is also about not letting them send you into a tail spin with communications of CARP! I also imagine that some of his family are helping him or at least know where he is or what he is doing with his being “missing”—and it amazes me that family will help someone pull this kind of carp, but somehow he has convinced them that he is “managing you” so you don’t “abuse” him. DUH??????? Plus, keep in mind, I don’;t think his apple fell far from the tree (his family) and there’s a good chance many/most of them are as disordered as he is.

His fake “suicide” notes to his kids!!!!!! THAT IS EVIL!!!!!!

Is it possible that you can go to court while he is “missing” and get a NO CONTACT order for the kids from him? Or get a warrant out for him? Can you talk to an attorney? or the DA? Sometimes the first visit with an attorney is free.

Call Department of child services and file a report that he is ABUSING the kids emotionally and show them the “suicide” letters…..they should recognize these as “abuse” and might help you.

Just hang in there and don’t feel sorry for the piece of CARP! (((hugs)))


Ox Drover,

My mind has been trying to figure things out, questioning how to confirm what I suspect (PI work). Then, I tell myself to just drop it and live my life. Let the authorities find him. Too much of my time has been taken up with overcoming the spath’s craziness. I want to enjoy my children, my life. As my mind returns to a calmer state, I am not feeling sorry for the spath (which is a good thing).


if i thought nc was no big deal, i don’t anymore. my example:
i have been nc with my husband for over a year. my depression went away. so did the nightmares that plagued me with insomnia.

had an email from him last week b/c HOPEFULLY he is signing our divorce papers.

have been so down, loss of energy, feeling hopeless and by gosh, took me a bit to figure it out. (duh!). his email was like getting REinfected with such evil negative energy.

THAT proves to me the POWER of going NC, it removes their ability to release EVIL negative energy into our realm. Who knew such a simple strategy would be SO POWERFUL!

Ox Drover


ARE the authorities looking for him? Is he wanted for anything? Back child support or any criminal acts?

I definitely understand you wanting to enjoy your kids and your life, but he WILL SURFACE again and throw a wrench into the works you can bet on that. I do NOT need a crystal ball to foretell that one. LOL

I’m glad you are calmer now though and you need to maintain taht state of calmness NO MATTER WHAT SHIAT HE PULLS, and he is gonna do something so don’t be surprised or gobsmacked when he does. LOL What a piece of CARP that man is!

My X paid his child support through the court but he never again saw the kids. The first christmas he sent them $20 and a card, and that was the last time they heard from him. It hurt the kids because believe it or not until our divorce he was a good, even an excellent father. I told the kids that he had a mental illness and that made his thinking not “normal” and that was why he didn’t see them, not that he didn’t want to, just that he was mentally “ill.” That was somewhat true, he did have some serious mental issues from being a victim of his psychopathic father and his enabling mother. HIs sister did also as well. But LITTLE kids need some reason besides “he doesn’t love you” I think, but that’s just my opinion.

Maybe your older kids at least can absorb the real truth, that he is a psychopath and there’s NO HOPE for him and it isn’t their fault. Even as an ADULT absorbing the fact that my “mommy doesn’t love me, never did, never will” is a painful thing to realize and accept. I think though, that even as a youngster I “Knew” in my heart but didn’t want to believe. God bless your kids and you! (((hugs)))


Ox Drover,

Before he went on the run, the spath appeared to be a “good” father. In all of his letters, he blames his problems on health issues, me badgering him, etc. I’m beyond sick of it. If he’s ever caught, he’ll be spending time in jail. I never imagined that I would marry such a person, still finding it unbelievable. The fact that he is a criminal bothers me to no end. He never specifically states what his transgressions are – just that he’s in his current state due to bad choices, not asking for help (from others), etc. I remember telling him once, “God put people in your life who have common sense and you just blow them off. You don’t listen to them.” Today, I feel like I’m getting back to my usual self, being able to better weather whatever comes.



Oh, I’m well aware the importance of NO CONTACT, then you can regain a sense of yourself, normalcy. With these spaths, there’s always craziness, something super unpleasant to face. You feel like you can never rest, always reacting to their nuttiness. It gets old real fast. The day that you’re officially divorced will be a great day. Peace.

Ox Drover


Well, if the law is waiting for him, maybe he won’t show up on your doorstep, that’s a good thing!

OF COURSE he is blaming you for everything, and trying to convince you to take that blame and feel sorry for him, and hire him a lawyer and take him in….beg the judge to have mercy on him because of his children….LOL OKAY, CHILDREN, NOW ALL TOGETHER, CAN WE SAY “PITY PLOY?” ROFLMAO Of course it is allllll your fault. LOL

Just hang on to those letters though, because when he is caught by the law you can testify against him and you’ll have all the letters to show what kind of pity ploy he is putting on and blaming you.

He may have done something (fraud? theft?) that he is just hoping won’t be found our, or it may have alreayd been found out and that’s why he “suicided” and how has “repented” (his repentence just as valid as his ssuicide!


Bluejay ~ I think if I read correctly, he just isn’t blaming you, he BLAMED you for disrespecting him in the letter he wrote to your son. He is “bad mouthing” you to your son at the same time he is apologizing to you in the letter you received. That is just plain WRONG.

So sorry you and your kids have to go through this, stay strong.

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