Editor’s note: Andrew J. Harper wasn’t who he said he was. He wasn’t a professional drag racer and he didn’t own properties in Europe. But at least 17 women in Australia, New Zealand and the United States believed him—and many lost money because they did.
Two of his victims, Diana Mors, who posts on Lovefraud as “AJH_Victim1,” and Rebecca Bell, worked together to find the truth, and the con man was finally arrested in October, 2010. The women told their story in the January 2011 issue of The Australian Woman’s Weekly, and then in the North West Star. Read:
”˜How I caught a con man’ on NorthWestStar.com.au
With the publicity, the women have been contacted by many victims of con men. Diana, feeling compelled to help them, wrote the following article.
How to transition from victim to survivor”¦
By Diana Mors
Know why you were conned—because you are kind, compassionate and caring. Also because your were targeted and his/her mission was to “get” you.
Forgive yourself, this is so important! Initially you will feel like an accomplice; most victims do.
Understand your perpetrator. The person you let in your life is NOT the one who enters. They rely on your complicity, embarrassment and humiliation to get away with their con. You invited them in, spent money, etc.—but on a pretext of lies. This person is fictitious and imaginary, even though they are there in front of you in 3D.
Just accept that they do not/cannot/will not have a moral compass like you do. They lack empathy, conscience, ethics, principles and scruples. So yes, they can sleep at night—often quite comfortably and usually at your expense. Do not try to work them out, you cannot.
Where to from here:
Police report
Go to the police and file a report. Insist! I got fobbed off by a Senior Sgt. four times trying to get me to not report. You will hear terms such as, “It will be difficult to prove,” well just how much is involved, etc. Keep insisting. I just kept saying, “Yes I know, but I still want it reported and would like a crime number please.” I said this four times and finally got my report taken.
Also police will recognise fraud in a business/corporate context, but seem disinterested in an individual’s case”¦.. INSIST, INSIST, INSIST. Give only copies of any evidence and keep originals. This has been key to the charges on our guy going from two to 34. One of our co-survivors kept everything.
There are the laws in various states on fraud and deception. Do your homework and take a copy of the legislation (pertinent parts) to the police if you must. In Queensland the law states:
Fraud is behaviour that’s deceptive, dishonest, corrupt or unethical.
For a fraud to exist there needs to be an offender, a victim and an absence of control or safeguards.
Here in Queensland, the laws on fraud involve dishonesty in any of these situations:
- obtaining property belonging to someone else
- applying someone else’s property to one’s own use
- causing a detriment to another person or entity
- gaining a benefit or advantage for any person; and
- inducing or causing any person to deliver property to another person
The more people that report these crimes, the more the authorities are going to have to take notice. Our perpetrators rely on us blaming ourselves and NOT reporting to continue in their craft.
It has taken years for crimes such as music piracy to be recognised in the legal system and it may take years for this type of fraud to be given credibility, but the more of us that do it the more they have to take notice. What happened is NOT acceptable AND should be reported—not trivialised
Seek support
Go to your doctor and get counseling — you can get 12 free psych visits with a doctors referral — you NEED this, for you, for your family, for your kids. You need to talk this out. You have been violated and have suffered trauma.
Lovefraud.com—get on this site and read up; it is so helpful and beneficial. Join the mailing list. And seek out information that can help you. Get the book Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare.
Get support and understanding. Family, friends, colleagues, us, Facebook—seek it out wherever you can. A support group like ours circumvents the need to explain how you got conned—we know how it happens and are just there for each other. You will get people who will say things like, how on earth did you get conned, didn’t you realise when such and such happened? No one can possibly understand until they have been there, and we do not want to see more people there.
Set up blog
If you want to, set up a website/blog. Set it up on Google. This may cost money; you may need a webmaster to do this for you. Use verifiable facts ONLY—if you have incontrovertible proof it is a lie, then list it. What was the lie, how did you prove it was a lie and any reference material. Be objective and matter of fact. If you can’t write it, then get some one else to on your behalf. Be 100 percent honest and keep emotion out of it.
When I set up the website on our con I was taking a risk and I knew it. If our guy was genuine and innocent he could have come after me, but I was so confident that I had the necessary facts and evidence to support that his claims were complete and utter lies that I was happy to take the chance and confront him if it ever came to that.
Accept the change
You WILL be forever changed. Accept that. It does not mean suck it up, simply you cannot go back and have the life, sense of worth, trust, comfort that you had before. Additionally though, you are now stronger and wiser.
Can you empower yourself? Yes, join support groups such as our Facebook group ConnedInAus.
When I initially went pubic, having my photograph in the newspaper, I knew that I was setting myself up to criticism, but as I said to our Melbourne journalist, someone has to be the face of this crime. No matter how humiliating, how embarrassing or what criticism may come my way, I knew my self esteem could handle it. I am a small business owner, single and childless, so I had no one to protect if my identity was made public. Additionally, I wanted our con to know that I was still out there chasing him. I had support in Rebecca Bell, as we had supported each other in the 18 months leading up to his downfall. I am so grateful that Rebecca then came with me to do the A Current Affair report, and had to deal with a lot of her own demons in going public.
Overwhelmingly the feedback has been positive for going public—comments of how brave and courageous we were together with the odd “attagirl” and lots of thanks for sharing our tale. There have been a couple of individuals who feel they are entitled to ridicule us, but so far they are in the minority; we do not even waste our time defending our position. In fact, others have actually come to our rescue in those instances and put them in their place on our behalf.
I can tell you I have never felt such euphoria as when our guy was arrested. It was just utter joy. Having lived on the edge of my seat for two years trying to track him, knowing he was hurting someone else and being powerless to do anything, was excruciating.
I hope this helps you make the important transition that you require to empower yourself and move forward. In sharing this information I hope you find a path to recovery.
Would you please go into depth of how to set up a blog? Mine has every person from my family, Church,and neighborhood believing things that are not true about me. I have emails etc. that show he was “setting this up” BEFORE he did this to me. Telling my loved ones I was doing things in our home, etc. for months in secret to make them think I was” crazy” and Boderline Personality. Actually everything he says I am, is exactly who he is! Since April, not one person has talked to ME. Everything goes in and out about me through him….even though we don’t live in the same state! Based on what he said about me my CHURCH will not meet with me, when I tried to tell them he is a Psycopath….they just said “every person determines their own future”. Bologna! I have seen my entire life’s work with my Christian community, My children, My friends, torn down by this one man that I was married to for only 10 months!! I have often thought of a blog….but I also know he is too strong for me, and I don’t put ANYTHING past him. But, NO ONE will take my calls, texts, emails….even friends from 30+ Years!!! I am “shut-out” totally based on his lies. I have a previous girlfriend and his Ex-Wife who have confirmed my suspicions……emails, etc. but they feel powerless and want nothing to do with him. So I have all this information, and I am still powerless.
If anyone has done a blog…please advise me……. I feel it might get the TRUTH out about what he has done to me, and others.
I just want my family back. We were a beautiful family, and then he turned them against me, using things I entrusted to him and several months of lies……JUST to take me down. Just to ruin my life. No other reason!
I just want to DO something……. Thank you and God Bless!
I want to clarify…I should have previewed all the spelling errors. (sorry) Legally I wonder about the blog? but I know others mention their psycopaths in books…… Also, could I make a blog and not actually NAME him….but address psycopaths and my own personal experiences? Any info would be appreciated. Thank you.
Ha! I might actually have “found ” my answer in another post: KatyDid said: ….”and even with proof, people defend him and hated me for showing the proof, I don’t warn people anymore, the price of honesty is too high. It’s also why I don’t expose him. I’d rather be safely leading my own life than watching my back”.
It’s so hard when he has convinced your grown CHILDREN that you are “crazy”, and has convinced them to block your texts, calls and emails. I am sitting here watching the months turn into almost a year….on the closest family ever, but I married a very HIGH level Psycopath, who has perfected his game from each woman I have talked to in his past…until he got to me! He truly has succeeded in taking everything I was! He lives 5 hours away from me, and yet I saw him at my neighbors house this past weekend! He will do anything and everything…including drive 10 hours to keep the lies circulating!
I am building a new life, but without my kids, Grand-daughters, and Church it seems very empty. But I am not where I was 6 months ago. I am beginning to accept the reality, But should a Mom have to ACCEPT that a Psycopath took all those days, months and years of mothering your kids away from you right when the GrandBabies come???? I was a 24/7 Mom…. and now, I live without them! I have tried to get them to believe me, but with him driving 10 hours as often as he needs to, to keep the lies going, and with them totally blocking me, I am forced to let him win, and just pray. The more I tried to disregard their boundaries to get them to listen to me….the more it made me look to be what he was saying about me! It really is a no-win situation. I get up every morning ….just trying to walk everyday in Faith that one day GOD will bring him down….and wishing I never had to touch or know of this kind of evil.
In actuality this is my 3rd Psycopathic relationship….you think I would have “gotten it” sooner. I always knew “what” was wrong….but “IT” never had a NAME. So 15 marriage counselors with the first husband only told me “to be a better wife” “give him more sex” etc. after 29 years of living with a man with a double-life I DETERMINED not to ever marry an abuser again. We’ll guess what? It’s way worse than just abusive or double-life…… It is a PSYCOPATH….that we need to get the NAME of out there so others are not destroyed like we have been. He passed all the “abuse” red-flags…..because everything was a LIE, every person I checked him out with was/is is snowballed into thinking he is Mr. wonderful! until we were married. Then you find out that he targeted you to destroy you. That EVERYTHING is a lie, and that he will win at destroying you.
Thank you to all on this post. Speaking of snowballs we have 15″ of snow coming with 40 degree wind so I better get prepared. Funny… we can prepare when we know what’s coming. Their disguise is we were never prepared for what was about to hit us!!
Dear bellaangel,
If you had 100 blogs set up it would NOT matter, I am afraid. People believe what they get their heads around and they disbelieve what they don’t want to hear.
You cannot change what someone else believes even with proof. That is a fact. There is a book called “A mind of its own; how your brain distorts and deceives” by Dr. Cordellia fine. I suggest you get this book, you can order it off line from amazon used book sellers for only a few bucks and it is WELL worth the read.
It is frustrating and painful that your children are out of your life, but there is NOT ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THIS. I wish I had two of my sons back in my life too, but one is a psychopath himself and the other one isn’t the kind of man I wish he was either. They are out of my life. My maternal DNA donor is also out of my life as well. My “family” is GONE essentially, and there’s nada I can do about it except make my own life and slow and stop the grieving over what is NOT there.
The people at the church I formerly attended also think I am crazy and abusive to my” pooor long suffering mother” who is herself a well masked abuser who pretends to be a Christian. They are NOT going to believe me, not listen to me either, I tried. But their bad behavior is not going to come between me and my faith in my God or myself.
I too wanted grandkids and prayed for them, but now I am glad I do NOT have any to become attached to and have jerked out of my life. I just have to trust God that it is for the best for me.
Sure, it HURTS and you want to recover what you lost, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. It is frustrating when they “win” (or it seems they do) but just trust in your faith and realize that you can validate yourself! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Thank you OxDover. So, not do the things outlined above?I just want to understand. I don’t want to dwell….but I want to transition out of this place. So far that has been being silent. Above appears to say file police report, Set up blog etc. I do have a disk with all kinds of teen porn (and he is 45) but not enough to get him arrested. Can I use it, and how he has destroyed my reputation as fraud and at least do that? Just a little confused. Thank you though…..
Dear Bellaangel,
The problem is that if you take that disk to the police, YOU ARE THE ONE WITH IT IN YOUR HANDS, how do you prove you got it from HIM? He is going to deny it. I suggest that you GET RID of that thing, burn it. If it is child porn it is ILLEGAL TO EVEN POSSESS IT. Possession itself is a CRIME.
If you have proof it is HIS (other than just your word) then go to the police and take it and turn it over to them.
Proving “fraud” is very difficult, and unless you have EVIDENCE besides your word, you are not likely to have much success.
I know you would LIKE to “clear your name” from the slime he has spread over it, but I doubt that there is much chance of that.
You might contact a social worker or counselor and talk to them about what is provable and what is not, or call the police and talk to them. From what I remember about your story, the slander he has done to you is not something you are going to be able to “prove” a court case with. You might also talk to an attorney usually they will talk to you once for free about filing a law suit and tell you if you have a case or not.
My guess is though that EVEN IF you proved your case in court, that your friends and family will still rally around him and condemn you for filing charges. Unfortunately, getting people to change their minds about something like this is very VERY difficult. I do suggest you get the book I recommended though “A mind of it’s own” by Cordelia Fine, PhD.
There is justice 🙂
He has been sentenced to 9 mmonths total, so another 6.5 months to serve. He has also been ordered to pay 22k to victims and hotels in Victoria.
The good guys won 🙂
TOWANDA!!!!! GREAT!!!! I wish it was 9 years, but 9 months is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!
rozzie –
That’s FANTASTIC news!!!! I’m so pleased for you all. Also, I agree with Oxy, good for you for knowing your own limits and not pushing yourself past them. What you guys have already done, although liberating and validating and in the name of justice, must surely take its toll on each of you.
After the lead-up and then the climax of MOST good things that have taken painstaking research and execution (ie. planning a wedding and then the wedding day, planning a major function and then running it, researching a major assignment for school and then handing it in for marking) there is the “plateau” that follows. Its normal with even good stuff; its even usual to feel quite “flat” once something like that is over….
What you dealt with (and are still dealing with, although on a smaller scale now as the situation continues to roll along without your immediate presence being required anymore) was a big, bad, truly ugly thing. No wonder you will feel drained and flat for a time. Our bodies can’t run on adrenaline and drama for extended periods of time without eventually making us stop and screaming at us, “okay mate, that’s enough for now, I ain’t MOVIN’! for a bit”.
You’ve been incredible, you ARE inspirational; you just need to let your “coming down” time wash over you now. xxx
bellaangel –
“Since April, not one person has talked to ME. Everything goes in and out about me through him”.even though we don’t live in the same state! Based on what he said about me my CHURCH will not meet with me … I have seen my entire life’s work with my Christian community, My children, My friends, torn down by this one man that I was married to for only 10 months!!”
Darling girl – stay HERE. Talk to us and we will listen. Process, rant, rave and discuss until you find your inner calm and strength. If you are still wanting to set up a blog, or something like that, do it THEN, when you are more centred. I doubt that you can think straight just yet – you are so newly out from it.
“NO ONE will take my calls, texts, emails”.even friends from 30+ Years!!! I am “shut-out” totally based on his lies. I have a previous girlfriend and his Ex-Wife who have confirmed my suspicions—emails, etc. but they feel powerless and want nothing to do with him. So I have all this information, and I am still powerless.”
Keep whatever information you have – I suspect that you will need it at some point for legal reasons. Just file it all away in a box with a lid and put it somewhere out of your sight so that you are not forever tripping over it and regurgitating things that are so unpalatable for you. When the time comes to use it, you will know what to do and how to do it.
As for the porn, while I agree with Oxy that it’s a dangerous thing to hang onto and could easily backfire if the spath decided to use it against you, I would check carefully into whether you have enough evidence that it was his, not yours. Was any of it obtained using a personal computer that you still have at your home? If so, did he need a password to check in? Can you go through the “history” on the computer to find when and where this occurred? If so, are you able to print out that “history”? Perhaps a computer boffin could help you with this?
If there are publications, have you any receipts for any of it? Did he use a credit card (joint or otherwise) where a record might exist? If a joint account, can you request the transaction details from the financial institution?
If there are receipts for actual shops, can you take an independent witness with you (pay a detective if you can afford it) to visit these places with a photograph of him and get the vendors to sign a statutory declaration that he is one of their customers? Even if they will only admit to selling legal porn, it might be enough of a connection for the police to link him to the illegal stuff.
If there is absolutely NO WAY of proving the illegal porn is his, then burn it all and cut your losses.
If you ARE able to nail him for anything illegal (porn or otherwise), wait until there is a satisfactory legal outcome (convictions, jail time, community work order, whatever…) recorded against his name. THEN set up a blog if you still feel the need. That way you can choose to publish FACT and PUBLIC RECORD stuff, which shouldn’t backfire on you.
I feel your frustration because I want to do the same, but after chatting here on LF for less than four months, I am now convinced that I will wait until AFTER our property settlement (should end sometime this year) and then AFTER I report him for insurance fraud and there has been a result there as well (which I won’t go near until the property settlement is finalised).
It’s hard to be patient in the meantime, but try to look at it the way that I am doing – for now, until certain things resolve, my “job” is to lick my wounds among people who KNOW what I’ve been through and who RELATE to it. It is my job to HEAL and learn to breathe again and to get myself into a good head space, regardless of who I have lost or who is persecuting me. I come here, I post, I take on board the advice of others and I try to help other posters where I think I have the right words. I collect whatever evidence comes my way about the spath and I file it right away for later.
Later will come my time for revenge and vindication. Later will be the time for alerting others to his evil scams. For now, I need to sit tight. Unless you can prove the illegal stuff is his, then so must you.
Even if the other two previous women don’t want to tackle him, it could still be enormously helpful for all three of you to meet and disect what you have each been through and to construct some kind of written “time line” between you all. Put it all into context so you can each wrap your heads around it better and cope better with what he has done to you all. Just talking it over will help you all to adjust and process – it’s just not possible on your own. (I know – I tried; and I was a long way along but didn’t get “there” until I landed here at LF)
Keep in mind though, that they might not be as ready as you are. I had the ex-wife prior to me on board to come to court hearings with me and everything. We had talked for days and compared stories and felt like we had really connected and found a lot of answers in each other. Then she bailed on me and hasn’t called back for over 2 months; I can only assume that it all got to much for her and that she isn’t ready at this time to take him down together. That’s hard for me (because it was such an attractive prospect) but I have had to let it go and fight my own fight.
“this is my 3rd Psycopathic relationship”.you think I would have “gotten it” sooner. I always knew “what” was wrong”.but “IT” never had a NAME.”
Don’t fret, it’s at LEAST my second (by marriage), and possibly my third (by other chosen intimate relationship) and I’m no dummie either. xx
rozzieoz! 🙂 that’s damn fine news! good for all of you!!