Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader, who has discovered that she can find healing from her encounter with a sociopath through writing.
Awakened Senses
By Nancy Voelker
I see ”¦ a field as I drive through the countryside. We had a picnic and laid looking at clouds, bodies entwined.
I smell ”¦ smoke from a chimney. His arms were wrapped around me as music played softly and we watched the flames dance.
I taste ”¦ butter on my finger as I make dinner in my quiet kitchen. We spent an afternoon boiling lobsters and gorging ourselves. Kissing butter off our chins.
I hear ”¦ a song playing as I wander through the bookstore alone. He grabbed me and twirled me, laughing, to that song as he held me close.
I touch ”¦ my lips as I wash my face. When he kissed me, I thought my heart would burst.
I feel ”¦ memories. Longing. Bittersweet.
***
I see ”¦ His eyes narrow as he glares at me across the room if I talk to any man at the party.
Porn he forgot to erase on my computer.
Charges on my credit cards he forgot to mention.
Texts to strange numbers.
I smell ”¦ strange perfume on his clothes.
I smell a rat.
I taste ”¦ something sour in my mouth as I uncover lie after lie.
I hear ”¦ his insults, put downs, curses at me for being me.
I hear his fake laugh as everyone smiles.
I hear everyone say what a great guy he is.
I feel ”¦ the ache from him pulling my hair. I touch the bruises on my arms, my eye.
I feel the tears on my cheeks.
***
I see ”¦ the tears welling in his eyes”¦again.
I smell ”¦ the flowers he got me”¦again.
I taste ”¦ the wonderful breakfast he cooked for me in bed”¦again.
I hear ”¦ him begging for forgiveness. His pleading. Threats of suicide. His promises”¦again.
I feel ”¦ his warm hug as he wraps his arms tight around me. I feel his wet face and warm breath against my neck as he starts to seduce me.
I feel confused.
I feel hope”¦again.
***
I see ”¦ black, angry eyes I don’t recognize coming at me.
I smell ”¦ his rancid breath from too much alcohol, cigarettes, and anger churning in him, as he leans in my face.
I taste ”¦ blood on my swollen, cut lips from a shoe being jammed in my mouth. I taste more blood dripping down from my nose after being smashed into the floor. I taste bitter pills forced down my throat.
I hear ”¦ him say, “swallow.”
I hear him calmly whisper that he is going to kill me. That he is going to wrap my body in a sheet and bury me where no one will find me.
I feel ”¦ his hands tighten for the third time around my throat and squeeze.
***
I see ”¦ my house for the last time as my friend burns out of the driveway. I see the horror in her eyes.
I smell ”¦ him on me.
I taste ”¦ fear.
I hear ”¦ my phone ring as he tries to find me.
I feel ”¦ numb.
***
I can’t see ”¦ I’ve cried so much. I start to see faces everywhere that show judgment, pity, avoidance.
I see emptiness in my eyes.
I smell. Period. I haven’t showered in days.
I taste ”¦ cardboard whenever I try to eat. I taste wine. And too much, I taste vomit.
I hear ”¦ the ticking of the clock. I hear laughter from backyard barbecues as I try to walk and get fresh air”¦ only to hear the clock ticking as I fall back in bed. I hear my heart breaking.
I feel ”¦ everything. Then nothing. Then everything. The bad everything. I feel like dying. I feel the sleeping pill kicking in.
***
I see ”¦ my face and body healing. I see peace returning to my eyes and to those that love me and stuck by me. I see people willing to help me heal.
I smell ”¦ my favorite perfume that he didn’t like. I smell my new puppies’ breath.
I taste ”¦ my mom’s homemade soup. Pizza with a friend. The last sweet remnant of rich, dark chocolate.
I hear ”¦ stories and encouragement from women like me. I hear beautiful music in yoga. I hear myself laughing again, a little more each day.
I feel ”¦ God, who never left me. I feel the hugs from wonderful people helping me through this. I feel my arms wrapped around myself. I feel my strength slowly returning”¦
***
I see ”¦ the many people he has hurt and scammed, now through different eyes.
I smell ”¦ the truth surfacing.
I taste ”¦ validation.
I hear ”¦ sadly, that he has a new victim, but I don’t know where she is to warn her. I hope she can see, taste, hear, and feel my words or words like these that will make her run or change her life before her light is dimmed by his darkness.
I feel ”¦ his time will run out.
***
For myself, I now see, smell, taste, hear and feel my freedom every day.
I AM A SURVIVOR.
© 2011 Nancy Voelker. May not be reproduced without the permission of the author.
sharing the journey
Och thanks NB
It is a good ending. Perhaps not with who I thought it would be with. But good.
Thanks for listening NB–I feel soothed by this conversation.
Take good care of yourself-I will be listening for your progress for inspiration.
LWH
xxx
New Beginning
Likewise here, LWH. 🙂
darwinsmom
Very beautiful poem!
sharing the journey
NB
Forgot to mention. But it was knowing that you were working through your mum’s belongings and memories that made me ask how you were keeping. Got lost in translation.
I know how much you missed her.
LWH
xxx
New Beginning
LWH,
Thank you for thinking of me. (((hug)))
Adelle2011
Beautiful!!! Brings joy, tears and hope to the heart!! Great job Nancy! I jump for joy everytime I read about another soul healing here on LF!!
Adelle
agreenbean
thank you for sharing this nancy. in the many times in my life i’ve been in counseling, i learned that writing was one of them ost helpful things i could do for myself, and for you to share it, and know so manypeople here understand how you feel, thats got to be validating and a good feeling.
woundlicker
Gulp, that pretty much says it all. I will come back and read this often.
lovelost
A wonderful post
See, smell taste, hear and feel freedom!
Healing, Happiness, Joy?!
All things I am finding on my new path since I struck out alone just after xmas. I have found a new life alone, I am starting to feel a whole person again, my confidence has returned, people are talking to me, I make decisions, and do things on a sudden impulse, instead of always planning. I still have pangs, when I see him at the club, I feel lonely sometimes and yes I do still love him in a strange way. But I could never go back.
I endured my last xmas with my ex- he is not on par with what most of you have encountered, but the most self-centered egotistical controlling person.
I realized too slowly, that life revolved around him and his needs. He even claimed the credit for my achievements (degree, job, everything!). Nothing I did was good enough, I couldn’t even buy my own jewelry. He made me feel that nothing was mine, even my orgasms were only for his pleasure. My need to change things had been growing and then I found LF last year. The stories of healing and sadness, fear and recovery, gave me strength.
After xmas I told him I was leaving him. The resulting discussions only confirmed my decision. None of his arguments were about me or my needs- everything he said was still about him ”“ how would he cope, what would people think of him, that I couldn’t live without him, I’d never find such a good lover, companion, playmate, I would be lost without him, I’d regret it and come back to him. It was hard to survive the onslaught about how life revolved around him and I did begin to doubt that I would survive.
Even after I moved out he sent messages and emails, badgering me, wanting to meet, go out, have meals, plan future dates.
He wanted to resolve our relationship, which I realize means he wants me to crawl back to him.
I am realizing how much I was controlled by him, how he dictated how I lived and what I did without me knowing. It is scary doing things alone sometimes, but I am finding that I can!
He still niggles and pushes, but now I recognize that every friendly email or suggestion to meet is an attempt to control and persuade me to go back to him.
Freedom is hard won, despite the occasional loneliness, despite the pangs of love I will not give up and go back. I have tasted happiness and healing. I know it won’t stay so good, but it is a promising start.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences
skylar
lovelost,
I’m glad to hear that you have moved away from your spath and that you can see through his lies and know the truth is that he only wants to control you.
I’m very impressed because it often takes a long time to accept that. They are such convincing liars sometimes.
It sounds to me like your success is based on how much you value yourself and your freedom. Congratulations on that.