Editor’s Note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader “truelove.”
Wow where to start. I am in my 40s and started dating a girl in her late 20s back in April 2013. I had met her a couple years ago and thought she was a nice, caring person. We started dating and things got hot and heavy really fast. It was like a fun roller coaster ride, but little did I realize she had plans to purposely make it jump the tracks once I was most vulnerable and hooked.
Taking control
She played the hot and cold game with me from the beginning. I was hurt by it but always went back to her when she wanted to see me. She was taking control of the relationship at this point through manipulating my emotions. She asked me all kinds of personal questions and complimented me a lot. I never felt so appreciated in my entire life, and it felt so good having a woman tell me so many nice things. Then she said things that made me think this is my soul mate whom I have been waiting for because she felt the same about a lot of the things we talked about.
Texts and sex
The sex was unbelievable and often experienced. We spent so much time together and texted constantly. I thought this was kind of odd at first, but this was my soul mate so it seemed all right. Later I realized it was to keep control of me and not because she cared, because she did horrible things behind by back while having this intense communication with me.
Then I noticed that she would get offended really easily over silly things. For example, she got mad at me for replying to her text messages with K instead of saying OK. Then I noticed that she would say things to hurt me. She mentioned that I had a bald spot on my head when I didn’t. It was like she was testing me to see how to upset me. I just thought she was joking. Then she would ask me strange personal questions that made me feel uncomfortable, but I figured she cared about me and simply wanted to get to know me more.
Many personal questions
She asked what caused previous relationships to end and I said it was due to cheating, wow, go figure. She asked me what my greatest sexual fantasies were. Everything with her was sexual. She even said that my filtered fresh water was sexual!
As I look back, she would often stare at me in a really intense way. We even had staring contests and she won every time. It was like she could see right through me and her eyes were like two lifeless blue doll eyes in her head that wouldn’t flinch.
Lies and manipulation
Then the lies and manipulation really kicked into overdrive. We were upstairs watching a movie one night and she took a call that she said was her cousin. She ran out of my house like it was a fire drill to take the call. When she came back up, I had this pain deep in my gut that it was another guy she was talking to. She lied and I dropped it since I started to ignore my gut instinct a couple weeks before and how could such a sweet, nice loving girl do such a thing as lie? The brainwashing had already kicked into high gear.
Oops, the wrong name
My friends couldn’t understand why I didn’t just ditch the bad nasty apple for good and stop going back and move on. They obviously didn’t understand how addictive it becomes to want to work things out and still believe all the lies, since I thought we had a deep spiritual, mental and emotional connection and I didn’t want to be wrong?!
Then when we went to bed and she called me by her ex-boyfriend’s name by accident so she said! I was so naive and “in love,” that I kicked her out of bed and later overlooked it and figured she was with him before for a year and a half so people make mistakes, right? This was in late June 2013.
Truth is like pulling teeth
A week later I caught her texting someone late at night right next to me in bed after saying she didn’t want to have sex earlier that evening. It was like she got a thrill out of getting caught possibly. Then I badgered her into the late hours to tell the OBVIOUS truth and she finally said it was her OTHER EX, yes another ex boyfriend! Just to get a shred of honesty was like pulling teeth from a tiger. I see now that she was messing with my emotions and hurting me on purpose.
I thought she was a victim and being used by these other guys when it was likely the opposite. Really sickening now that I think about it. I was in complete denial at this point and in fantasy land since I was so into her and she was into me, right?! I later found out that she was sleeping with her ex and they had a fight and that’s why she took the phone call in a fire drill rush in my apartment.
Sleeping with the ex
She told me in late August 2013 about sleeping with her ex and about almost having a threesome with him and her best friend! She told me she loved me in the same sentence and how she prayed for me! I was devastated and felt so betrayed; I cried a lot.
When she “came clean,” by telling me that she slept with her ex, I later found out she was hooking up with another guy she met through the sex pages/personal ads of craigslist! This was when she was, “coming clean?!” She is almost thirty and the guy was 19 years old!
I found out she likely had a threesome with this kid as I saw her text messages one night. I know that was wrong, but I guess I needed a bigger dose of reality and humiliation.
Three days before she had sex with the kid, she had asked me to be her boyfriend and I said yes! It was like the more screwed up stuff she did to me, the more it made her feel good. This whole experience has been so humiliating as a man to have a woman do this to me and to leave and come back to it several times thinking it would stop. I think the word I am looking for is I felt emasculated?
The sex weapon
So she told me about cheating on me not because she felt bad, but it was intended to hurt me emotionally, which it did. I broke up with her initially when she called me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. But time and time again I don’t know how she did it she was able to get me back into her game. She was able to slither her way back into my life every time by using the powerful weapon of hot sex, now that I think about it.
Intentionally hurting through lies
I later determined that she was trying to turn me into a willing victim. Every time she would do something horrible to me, she would want to get closer to me and love bomb me again. How can someone purposely go out of their way to hurt another person?? I don’t get it! Why waste so much time!
While all this was taking place she told me lies within lies and deceptions within deception! I wanted to believe her, but I didn’t believe her. Such outlandish lies! She likely lied to me about difficult things from when she was younger to get my pity. How could such a hurt person who is so vulnerable do such monstrous things to me? It made no sense to me. As a result I remained in a fog mentally and emotionally, wondering if I was losing my mind.
Girlfriend and boyfriend
Now after Thanksgiving, she wanted space from me and I was dumbfounded and upset! A week before, she started a fight with me and justified going out with another guy and told me the details about how she was a good girl even though they talked about sex! After she told me this, she held my hand like she was my girlfriend!
Oh yeah, during our relationship, we spent tons of time together and she would put her arm under my arm while walking my dog, etc. She was making me think I was all hers and she was into me, basically my girlfriend. It was all a facade. I fell in love with a person who didn’t exist.
Smirks
This part was really creepy to me. A couple days before Thanksgiving, she was over my house and as she walked out of my bathroom, she gave a big smile, but I only looked at her from the corner of my eye. What I saw was creepy! Out of the side of my vision, I saw that the smile was fake and I caught a quick glimpse of a person wearing a mask! Every other time she smiled at me I looked at her directly and it seemed sincere.
When I caught her being deceptive and lying, she didn’t seem sorry but instead had a smirk on her face and duper’s delight as they call it after I researched it. There was another time she asked me if I wanted a particular thing, and I said yes. After I answered, I saw a quick smirk on her face. Later it was her feeling good about duping me again about the question she asked. Now that I think about it, every time she upset me and hurt me through deception and lies, she probably enjoyed it and I believe got a rush from it. Crazy!
Needing space
Now after we both agreed for the umpteenth time to give space to each other after Thanksgiving, she broke the agreement and contacted me three days later wanting to see me etc. I ignored her because I had come to a definite conclusion that I was dealing with a sociopath and dangerous person emotionally for me.
I began researching online back in early October 2013 to try and make sense of what was happening to me. I thought I was going crazy and needed to deal with some personal issues since I was constantly mad at her and expressed it verbally several times. She later tried to get me to believe that what I said to her was just as bad as what she did to me.
Anyway, I read a lot of websites, articles and the book by Dr. Stout and it all began to make sense. I found Lovefraud.com and read the testimonies of people and saw parts of my experience in almost every story. It was comforting but still painful and shocking to come to grips with what I had been experiencing. I identified with some of the traits that made me a potential bulls eye /target for her.
Wanting me back
Ok, so since I ignored her after Thanksgiving, she started to call me several times a day and sent 30 or 40 text messages to get me back into her game. I still ignored her, despite how difficult it was. It was extremely difficult since I care about her, but the more no contact with her, the more the fog lifted and I saw how many horrible lies and things she did to me and how I was duped by her.
She eventually wound up in a mental hospital early December with OCD from contacting me and depression. She tried to blame me for it, but I was simply breaking free from her control and saw through her manipulation. I thought that when she contacted me often she loved me, but it was just to control/own me, so to speak.
Knowledge is power
Wow knowledge is power and wisdom is acting on that power ”¦
I contacted her in the hospital because I love her and that’s when she asked me in a negative tone why I never returned her calls and blamed me for her hospital stay. I got upset and hung up the phone instead of yelling. Yet again she was successful at messing with my emotions.
She would send me poems and tried to contact me for the month of December 2013 and I continued to read them because I liked the attention and wanted to believe she could actually change and love me the way I need to be loved.
I still didn’t contact her until after Christmas when she wished me a happy birthday and Christmas. I contacted her and the whole games began again for a couple days and I broke free again. I find it ironic that she would up in the hospital instead of me because of all the abuse I got from her.
Start from scratch?
In January 2014, she wanted to start from scratch with our relationship and I said no unless she tells the truth about something she obviously lied about before. Ridiculous, I know, for me to want to have a friendship with benefits kind of a thing. I had not been acting sane at this point.
So she continued to tell her ridiculous terrible lies; the truth was blatantly obvious. I told her I want nothing more to do with a liar!
This was when she told me she slept with her OTHER EX twice while being with me. She called me the following day begging to come sleep in my bed. I was shocked and speechless and she hung up on me. Even until the end she was hoping to keep me as her willing victim. She chose to keep her lies and dirty secrets over having anything to do with me in the future.
I gave her so many chances to change and do right by me. I knew that the new person was simply another mask she was putting on. All her actions before were in the past to be forgotten and forgiven, but saying sorry and making false promises gets old. Come to think of it, she had mentioned herself as a phoenix! The scary thing is, I don’t think she is done with me yet.
Emotional sobriety
It has been 10 days since last contact through Facebook and it has been like starting over with emotional sobriety. Every time I wound up in any kind of contact, it had been awful and emotionally painful as it brought up painful memories.
I believe she didn’t like the fact that I dumped her finally for good, and that she wasn’t able to hurt me again emotionally by sharing other guys she slept with while being with me. It is shocking how she would share different emotionally painful things right when it would hurt me the most. The 19-year-old guy she slept with I found out on my own and foiled her plans to hit me with that zinger. My God, the betrayal and lies/deception! She knew what she was doing to me. After I caught her in a deception, she got a parking ticket and claimed it was karma getting back at her!
Today I am slowly recovering. I feel depressed, shocked, angry and hurt all around.
I am still dumbfounded that there are people like this in the world. Also the bad luck I had of coming across a female sociopath, where there are around three million in this country I believe? I have watched a lot of horror movies and seen things that are evil, but this takes it too a whole new level as they are monsters with sweet caring masks and a dagger behind their backs. Also they aren’t usually discovered until damage has been done.
But I also see how this negative, painful experience will make me a better person in the long run. They say the best revenge is to live a good, honest and happy life. I have every intention of doing so by Grace.
BOOK REVIEW: Living and Loving After Betrayal
Hi TrueLove…From what I’m reading, you are getting good advice here. Forty-four is not old. I say this because I’m 58 and went through what you are experiencing about two years ago. It did take a long time to heal, but you can do this.
As OK said, being comfortable in your own skin is the greatest self-gift life has to offer. It’s now time to take care of yourself, to learn, to grow, to become a stronger, wiser version of you. As heart-wrenching as these situations are, there is something to be learned from this.
Allow yourself the time to feel the pain, but also know that it’s all part of the healing process.
I never thought I’d get over what happened to me, but I did. Don’t get me wrong, I still think at times about what he did to me and find it amazing I didn’t have the strength to walk out a long time ago. But I know now. If the same thing happened at this point in my life, never in a million years would I put up with it. So you see, you will get stronger!
I wish you well in your healing. Stay strong my friend…
carolann
Well, Truelove, you are very welcome.
After we hit 40, we seem to think we are much older. Its all relative. Trust me, you are very young…You are in your prime!…You are much wiser especially now…smile…
Now yes, you will as you said “wake up with obsessive thoughts” of her and her actions….yes you will start to see through the “fog” and as it lifts you will see exactly what was going on as ugly as it is….yes, the trauma of it all appears worse as we really see the real deal….and we freak…
Although you feel you miss her you will start to clearly see the selfish liar, the user, the calloused method of deceiving you, the evil and the heartless manner in which you were treated….
You will think of all the nice stuff you did and realize it meant nothing to her….she used it to further her shit….and its all shit…
You will see all the so called “nice things” like she held your arm…yeah, well, mine held my hand once in a theater…what did it mean? you might mistake that for the person showing real affection….as explained here at LF, it is a method of control, that’s right, control….they don’t see it as love…its control…power and control and sex….no love at all…
And your mind will go round and round with “I miss her” and you do…but wait, I miss what I thought she was….but she wasn’t that at all just a heartless user….and you have every right to feel sad, bad, depressed and going out of your gourd….she had you on her roller coaster and laughed at you the whole time. You loved an image of the wonderful girl you were looking for…its so hard to give that up or believe that…we as wonderful human beings believe everyone is trying to live to their highest potential but guess what?…in this case of ours, the answer is no they are not because these low lifes don’t care…no heart…
I was always amazed at how my sp laughed his freakin head off with his friends right after we had a fight…he had no feelings…he never felt hurt, pain, remorse, regret or anything from the heart and neither does she with you….
Once you get it, once you accept that she DID NOT and DOES NOT care about you or love you and it is all about control and her selfish agenda, you will find your enlightenment. and start to get better…
Burrito girl she told you? : Your story about that at the restaurant is so similar…mine did things like that to toy with me by taking words I used and putting in a dig…later I found out like you did he was relating these words to his dirty tricks and other women….same story with a different analogy…and with the same laugh and smirk on his face along with a gleeful intense look in his eyes….
You will be just fine, William….Your name means Strong Willed Warrior…the word “will” meaning just that and “helm” meaning helmet as a protection….go conquer off this facade of a relationship and realize that in the end you are left with just you….and that, pal, is the hardest to accept…being alone now…and yes, counseling is very helpful in dealing with our feelings…It helped me as did lots of reading here and allowing myself time to understand what happened to me….and how to get back up….and I did and so are you….
Biggg Huggs! Keep reporting!!
Vision
You know me so well. What you said is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank yo so much! Its the way you told me like it is irregardless of what I think, and you shared it with love and empathy I can see. She got off on upsetting me I know this now. It was about controlling my emotions. As I look back and the only time she wanted to see me was on her schedule. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. On a positive note, all my tests came back normal. I was scared she gave me some STDs with her dirty random pig sex she did behind my back. When I asked her if she ever got tested she told me she was afraid to get tested for aids etc for fear of a lifestyle change!! Can you believe that! Then when I told her the last girl I was with before her, she tells me how I endangered her physical health. Oh yea, she compared it to the emotional pain she caused me but it was nothing compared to what I did. These people ought to be sent to their own town and play games with each other and spread their own diseases amongst themselves. Another red flag…whenever a girl talks about Jessie hookup sex in the third person, LOOK OUT!! I knew I was dealing with a dirty pig but didn’t care. She mirrored me so well I thought she was a long lost friend or someone I was looking for. Self love, self acceptance…these are gifts to myself you are right. I know I will soon be grateful for this whole experience as you are right, I will be wiser. Also plan to find a woman high on the tree like myself. Tired of picking up rotten ones on the ground and ignoring the worms inside. Amazing, I could have met a nicer woman in prison or some dive bar. Better yet, random girls at all the bad places and I would find a better one than this! Still can’t believe how horrible this girl was!! I wish people looked on the outside the way they really are on the inside. This girl would have looked like demon pig! I am kidding here but again I cant express the horror of it all. Actually the movie, Apocalypse Now when the colonel says, “The horror.” That makes sense to me now. Again thank you for understanding me and empathizing, it made me feel good; warm and fuzzy inside if but for a moment:)
William
truelove,
you said, “She got off on upsetting me”
My friend I know how that feels all too much!!
Mine got off on controlling my emotions by pushing the right buttons and I stupidly fell for 80% of the time. The other reason was she knew if she pushed enough and hard enough sooner or later I would snap and break something, then she could run around and tell everyone how violent I am. And to make matters worse she would at times get me to believe I did something wrong (second guess myself) even though I would be irate at whatever she said or did, later I would be doubting myself and making excuses for her behavior because she had convinced me that it was my fault.
Its a dirty game, and only pigs play it!
<>
I wrote out I will not wallow with pigs, I will not wallow with pigs 10 times last week. (dont know who to attribute it to, sorry)
Now I’ve written out the above quote 10 times.
maybe i’ll write both out 200 times HAHA
good stuff!
aintgonnatakeitnomore
You wrote that to me. I agree. She was having random pig sex behind my back. I didn’t realize I was wallowing in the mud until the pig started to show its true colors. A pig can’t help but to eventually wallow in the mud. I believe I am giving a compliment to spaths out there. The reality is far more disgusting. At least a pig can’t lie and deceive and give dupers delight smirks…Thats all it was, dirty pig sex behind my back. I don’t think it was a waste of time though. I had a friend of three years; the guy was like a brother to me. He was deceptive to me and blatantly lied to me several times and tried to gaslight me. I told him don’t even try that with me. he still lied to me like the spath did. I don’t know what my ex friend was up to. he used to use drugs so perhaps he relapsed. The point is I have learned boundaries and started to act on them. 3 strike rule. Lie once…misunderstanding. Lie twice…you made a mistake. Lie a third time….you are not worthy of my friendship and may even be sociopathic as lying and deceiving is the main tool of sleeze bags.
well arent u generous? lie once, i am gone now. i havent the strength to think otherwise. lie once — ur bad, lie twice — my bad for giving u another chance.
i have always maintained my hit once — im gone. i always always said that (probably like the only boundary i ever kept).
the spath i was with had a violent past. once he pounded the floor next to me, once he grabbed my hand (i shot daggers out of my eyes and he dropped my hand w/o me even talking), several times he threw things and left marks in the walls. i was never scared tho. he used intimidation b4 in his life as manipulation and i was having none of it. he manipulated in tons of other ways tho, yes. but i still say he wud have hit, i wud have walked. he must have sensed this. spaths are smart, maybe the energy guides them in which ways to abuse??
its sad i cant give ppl chances now. but i cant. just like friends i am irritated with and reflecting on the past with them if they keep it up. and cutting it off. i need no more needy, sucking me dry ppl.
so if u can be generous, thats a better outlook than i have. all is not lost, william!
Truelove:
Thank you as well since I feel warm and fuzzy inside too when I can help out by my experience with these selfish people. and helping you helps me!! We give to the wrong people at times and so I have been helping out others more so now I have time (without the sp in my life stealing my values) and I go out of way sometimes with the good people around me now.
We help each other here at LF. Never been let down here!! I am so glad your test results are clean…you are lucky….
And look at all the support you have! Hi Dave, and Aintgonnatakeitanymore!
Besides pigs, Aintgonnatakeitanymore sounds like you were involved with a gorilla throwing tantrums and beating his chest….or the Hulk…but not incredible….phewwwww.
Truelove:
Funny how you brought up The Apocalypse movie scene when he says “the horror”…I actually used the scene of the battle in the helicopters while the colonel plays “The Valkyrie” by Richard Wagner as my motivation for battling my sp’s power over me. Yup, played that theme song every morning while getting ready and trust me, I felt like one of the Valkyries on my flying horse ready to take down all evil!! LOL
But it worked. Later a lot of anger left me as I went further into healing…..into more acceptance of it all….how I let it go…why I let it go to the point I did….etc….
By the way, although we feel we want “revenge” upon their souls it wouldn’t do any good….because whatever you did or could do lets say, wouldn’t mean anything to them in the way you would want it to. So if you wanted them to feel the pain…ain’t gonna happen….no heart….they would feel anger maybe or glee that you took the time to give them some more power over you….
They don’t get it….So by ignoring them (and not jumping on your horse along with your entourage and burning their fields)so ignoring them is the best revenge….simple….no contact…nothing. and they go nutty….they can’t believe they lost all their power over you!!!
She was never into you. Mine was never into me….So the whole time as I look back, I see how alone I was for five years….so sad…I cried when I saw how I sat around waiting for his time frame (as you said “her schedule” yes indeed.
How I put up with lies I couldn’t prove, how I put up with promises that never happened…how I gave money and was never paid back nor treated with love and respect…never….how ignored I was and how he could spend his money on other women but not even take me to dinner in the last two years…(hello? you see how screwed up we get and allow this dirty treatment because we believe their shit and think “awww. he is working night and day)
I felt so great when I finally didn’t care anymore….takes time….but I got a satisfaction knowing that he knows he can’t control me anymore….but he had already forgotten me so to speak because I meant only a plaything to him…he forgot about it within moments as he more then likely was calling one of his victims…..so I didn’t dwell on my victory….
Separating yourself from them…do a total cleanse of your home, car, rooms, computer of anything about them…I didn’t like opening a drawer and finding some of his clothes….or his one and only card from five years….or his pay check stubs….or his sex card to clubs….or his email copy of his sex site profile..
I didn’t like seeing his photo suddenly in my photo album on my pc….so take them out….take out her name from you vocabulary….
Last thing here as I am on another tangent:
I stopped talking about him finally….decided to be strong and not even mention his name….months later when I had to say his name to someone (person didn’t know what happened)…when I actually said his name, it felt so odd, so foreign, so weird, and the sound of it came thickly as my tongue could hardly speak that name….meaning he had been so out of my mind, my heart, that saying his name had become foreign to me…..
By the way, The Valkyrie is about women warriors on flying horses taking the souls of wounded warriors back to Valhalla…..you can look up the story…but my imagery had me flying around when I listened to the theme…felt very powerful and I needed that then…..
Take heart,as it takes a while to put this behind you. but heal the right way as you sound very wise….give yourself time before dating again….I did and it was wonderful to be free….
More Big HUgs!!
ah, Vision–gorilla?? hulk??
no no no
rofl
it was a 2yo having a fit, not a man, let alone a strong anything.
wen he called me names i felt like i was babysitting a 5th grader. i kid u not.
Aintgoonnatakeitnomore:
ha ha I guess gorilla would then be a complement to him.,.I take it back!!
A 2 year old then…I know of a woman whose ex husband was what we called a “knuckle dragger” referring to his mentality of being in the earliest stages of human evolution. He grunted and ugged and shouted and threw fits and was just plain old stupid….he wasn’t a sociopath probably because he was too slow mentally to be one….
He liked being dumb because he didn’t have to take any responsibility. He didn’t try to be a better person or to learn much…..not making fun of those mentally slow…he was just ignorant and mean too….acted like in 5 grade as you mentioned…
So glad we are out of this mess.!!
Being rejected or discarded by ANYONE really hurts. Truelove, you reached out to your ex – you called her twice and left her 2 voice mails and texted her. It would have been obvious to her that you were reaching out. If she had feelings for you and she was a caring person, she would not have responded the way she did. It sucks and it’s humiliating when you reach out and the other person rejects you – for whatever reason. I see you still second guessing her feelings…. I have done this so many times to justify bad uncaring behaviors by men I wanted. But real love should not be this hard and you should not have to play games. A true partner is a friend you can really be yourself around, and they will not run away or play games. And vice versa. This requires a certain amount of maturity and yes, a conscience (which she doesn’t have). She is not the right person for you even though the addictive part of your brain tells you she is. You will get past her and move on. I would not have believed I could move on as many times as I have, but love always finds its way back to me somehow.
I had a guy discard me last year after a miscommunication, and it hurt like hell. This is after two years of longing and pining for two guys who were emotionally unavailable. This guy was actually rude. Thinking that I’d hurt his feelings, I continued to reach out to him until he finally told me he had found someone else. It was incredibly painful and humiliating. I had just spent 4 days with him on a trip to Florida and (in my mind) we had really bonded (although I still hadn’t had sex with him). Apparently, this was not true for him. We were not in the same place wanting the same things. I think he just wanted a friends with benefits and playmate for sex and travel. God how I really liked him and thought he was perfect for me in so many ways. I longed and pined for a few months, but went back out there and started dating again. No one interesting took my mind off him……..until a man came back into my life that I knew briefly 3 years ago. This time we really connected, and it’s been actually pretty effortless and nice (barring his few pre-planned trips OOT that leave me feeling a little abandoned.). The thing that stands out about my budding relationship with this guy is that I can be completely honest with him and it doesn’t scare him away. I think he’s actually ready and available for a relationship and really likes me. He’s out of town right now, so I will start spending more time with him when he comes back and check it out – slowly! We have had a total of about 5 dates, and I have not slept with him. And I will not sleep with him until I have seen his character. This will take a little time and a little testing.
The point of all this is that sometimes you just have to kiss a LOT of frogs to find your prince – or princess. And like another blogger just said, if you are out there dating long enough, by sheer probability, you will run across a sociopath or two. I am 53!! I’ve never married. I met the spath in 2008 and thought he was the love of my life. I have gone through many more painful experiences with men in the last 6 years – giving my heart away to the wrong person more than once and even having a passionate love relationship with someone in another country that was destined to fail due to geography. I don’t know why I keep putting myself out there sometimes, but I do. I think the current guy may have the emotional maturity to really relate to my depth, and even my pain. He is 55, and he’s been around the block a few times, too. But if it doesn’t work out with him, I will keep opening myself up. I have been alone and on my own for many years. I have become accustomed to it. I am just now starting to imagine my life with another person in it. It would certainly be life-changing. I think human beings do much better when pair bonded. But it needs to be in a healthy way to an appropriate person. In the meantime, as a single woman, I have filled my life up with friends and activities, so I am actually happy much of the time and not feeling so alone. I have become pretty happy in the past few years. I was getting to where I was okay on my own. I actually started feeling a lot of gratitude and thinking that if I died tomorrow, I will have died fulfilled because I have many good friends and fulfilled many of my dreams. Just as I was in the middle of this love fest with life, the new guy showed up. It’s very scary to me to take another risk with love, but I’m doing it – in a very guarded way.
Any man who lies to me or deceives me again will find himself discarded so fast and so coldly that he will wonder what happened. Sadly, I’ve learned in the aftermath of all these dating catastrophes to behave like a sociopath and cut someone off when I need to.
You will get over her, truelove. You will one day see that she is not nor was ever the right person for you. You cannot know this until you begin to experience your own beautiful life without someone. Then someone who really is right will enter and bask in your happiness with your own life. The right person will appreciate you and add value to your life, not tear you down. It’s hard to imagine, but maybe imagining what a a healthy relationship can be like can help you break the ties with the unhealthy one.
Confidence and a carefree air WILL attract ppl but its got to come from being happy, not becuz ur an ass. Just remember there’s a difference as you head out into the world.
I remember the comment about what some may call “being an ass”. I think its a reaction that should be expected. We all lash out or want to pay back differently. I get it!
Truelove, you have given two motives for calling her: to just pass along some information, and to use her for revenge sex. In reading between the lines of all of this, what it looks like to me is that you were just reaching out maybe with some malignant hope that through hearing of the friend’s death she may open up a little or show some warmth. This is what it felt like to me and probably what it felt like to her. I’m sorry she hurt you yet again. For what it’s worth, I admire you for reaching out, even though you got burned. Sometimes that’s what it takes to move on. I know so many people who are caught in wanting to reach out but fear of doing it. They stay trapped in that fear, and it keeps them from moving on. I’ve been that person many times. With the last guy, I was very brave and took a big risk in reaching out to him several times even though I felt like I was making a fool out of myself (and he probably thought I was, too). Really what I was doing was taking my power back. I was going after what I wanted and willing to face the fear of rejection, which has been so hard for me. Normally I would just run away but secretly pine for a long time. When he finally hurt me the last time, I was ready to move on. I finally became angry. Now if he contacted me, I would not want to see him again. For a month it was not like this. Sometimes the ends of relationships are a little messy but best to make sure it is complete.
Stargazer
You didn’t hear a word I said; you are so off its not funny. I found out even just now from a mutual friend that she has a new boyfriend. Why was I informed, because she wanted me to know. I was ecstatic! I feel sorry for the dude. he has no iea whats in store. Anyway no it wasn’t going to be revenge sex or any revenge at all. Just horny and wanting a girl who is good in bed =, period. I am thinking that maybe I used her for sex or that she had such a good sex drive etc.
please don’t reply with non sense:)
I don’t think you really heard what I was saying in the first place. I needed to get a girls # who possibly knew his parents and sp was the only one who likely had it. The way he dies was suspicious and his housemate said some disturbing things to him etc. I wanted to contact his family to make sure they allow an autopsy. The police officer asked me several times if he did drugs and I said NO WAY. But thank you once again for your input but you are way off.
Im not looking so bad, am I? 🙂
Okay well this is not what you said, so I drew conclusions based on what you actually said. Sorry I have misread. I wish you the very best. It’s really hard to know how to support someone in these situations. You come onto a site for people who were used by sociopaths and tell us you were going to use a girl for sex. I just put my rose-colored glasses on and assumed your motives were a little more human than that. That’s what usually gets me in trouble. So thanks for clarifying.
Stargazer
I am writing on this forum to get constructive advice and encouragement. Not to be analyzed and picked apart and then judged. I don’t think thats the purpose of this site. Thank you for wishing me all the best, you too. If I wanted to be analyzed and then judged, I would talk to a sociopath. Maybe I have worn out my welcome as my sharing may upset others and cause them to think of their own trauma. I apologize to anyone if that has happened.
It’s Friday night, everyone is alone and drunk. 🙂 You are good. I love how you reach out when you feel bad about what you have done and you need a place to vent so don’t stop.
aintgonnatakeitnomore
Please refrain from name calling and negative feedback. If you aren’t going to say anything constructive and helpful then please do not reply to my comments. Thank you for understanding.
Are you talking to me? I thought i was supportive??
Sorry wrong person
whew
Ok, not an idiot
I was thinking the same thing:)
Question. At the funeral should I even acknowledge her and simply say hi to her new bf? I don’t think I should. I have read on numerus blogs that cutting all contact meaning this person is dead to you. Empty space if I were to ever encounter this monster again. What do you think? And thank you for reaching out to me with email address.
Offering my e mail was careless looking back. I mean look at the topic of the blog. Anyway, funerals are for the living. If she is going to be there…why would you be there? You can reach out to the family in ways that are much more meaningful and you should. You cant teach her or her new BF anything. They have to figure it out themselves.
Ok, not an idiot
I understand. But I don’t think it was bad to reach out and offer to help. Anyway I will respect your wishes and not contact you by email. Either way I appreciate you wanting to help outside of the forum. Thats what support groups in general do anyway. Also I apologize for being a bit curt with you and others here. I know you are just trying to pay it forward so to speak and I really do appreciate it. I talked with a friend today about everything and I am wondering when will I stop talking about it in general. It seems to keep the bad memories alive. I guess I have to make a conscience decision to do so. Just so you don’t feel left out here’s mine:)
superfluousaccount@yahoo.com
How do you like them apples?:)
Truelove, it’s hard to understand what kind of support and encouragement you need. I am one who sees a bigger picture and looks for deeper understanding of a situation. It is who I am. I am not intending to judge or analyze you. I’m sorry if you took it that way. When you share your story here, you are going to get all kinds of responses. Some may not be what you want to hear, but at least speaking for myself, I speak from my heart and just respond to what I read. However, I will just stop responding to your posts, and maybe that will be better for you.
Stargazer
I am going through all kinds of emotions right now. I had bad intentions for contacting her I do admit now that I think about it. I think being around a sp for several months and getting lied to, cheated on etc. really makes a person MAD as HELL and I have been thinking like a sociopath with the anger inside but I am not hiding it ike spaths do I think! I am embracing this anger as I know it is part of the process of healing. After contacting her yesterday, it was a big mistake!! Today after commenting on this yesterday and running into an old friend, I vented and shared the whole dam story with him. I felt even more angry, hurt and generally upset! I seriously cannot believe still that there are people like thins out there! But they exist for some strange reason. I personally would want these monsters to go straight to hell; that seems to be where they came from anyway! I am sensitive right now too so thats why I have been kind of touchy. Well I also realized tody that our mutual friend told me she has a bf who is controlling but not to tell anyone. Who am I going to tell? The sp has maipulated this person before so its likely she wanted me to know she has a new bf to hurt me. Well didn’t hurt me because I no longer care for someone who had punished me for caring in the past. I am still pissed off about the whole enchalada. The lies manipulation, deceptions, smirks, hypocricy( I can do it to you but damn if you are going to treat me that way attitude). Anyway I have to cut ties with this so called Mutual friend because he is a tool to her. I just want to throw up in this disgusting person’s face! So folks bear with me all the anger, sensitivity, etc. I wish I wasn’t such as emotionally charged person, passionate to a fault at times. Anyway i do appreciate all your comments. Just geting a response relating to it helps.
This is a forum for people who have been exposed to Spath’s. There is no way anyone can or should expect that we are all perfect. Like I said before, it’s Friday night and I’m pretty sure we have all learned enough about ourselves to handle being alone but that doesn’t always make it easy. So if we happen to drink too much that we say too much or drink nothing and receive information incorrectly, we need to respect and accept one another. It’s just life.
aintgonnatakeitnomore
“I am the one giving negative feedback, not Ok not an idiot.
You are giving everyone grief and you need to stop. These ppl on here are trying to help. ”
Why would you give negative feedback/comments/name calling?
Well one of my best friends died yesterday. I couldn’t get a # from sp to get a hold of his family. No one else I knew to get it from the other friend. I have not been drinking, and a 2 year old? I think children are more prone to name calling.
As I had no idea you spoke for everyone on this forum. Sounds a bit narcisistic. Anyway your comments aren’t welcome by me. Please stop. Also it is likely you are drunk since many times we project our own problems onto others. I believe sociopaths have this down to an art form.
OK can we please stop judging each other? I thought we had a good dialogue going these last few weeks. I have been drinking yet can see the irrational here. Can we start again?
Ok, not an idiot
Jeeze I probably needed a drink last night. This forum/dialogue has been helpful to me. I am a newbie when it comes to realizing you fell for a monster when you thought the fantasy world she created was real. Wow it was so hard letting that fantasy go. Also I have been looking for counseling as I know I certainly qualify for needing it like many of us I imagine. After this experience it is going to be hard as hell trusting people again and actually liking people in general. So I contacted her by txt thursday so last contact was 2 days ago. Crap I am geting sick of talking about this, she is still wasting my time just as much as when I was with her. This really sucks! I guess overcome evil with good I read somewhere. I think I had dated one before. Are they souless? Possessed? Just downright simply evil? Its a personality disorder and not a mental disorder so they know what they are dong and can control or change but they choose not to.
Truelove, I’m sorry if I didn’t listen and was insensitive. Glad you came back. I don’t really know the right thing to say except that it’s good that you are getting angry, and you will get through it. It takes a while to trust after a betrayal like that. Regarding the funeral, I personally would not even make eye contact with her. Eye contact with an evil person can be harmful. So much is transmitted through the eyes.
Also, I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend.
I hope I stuck to the topic and didn’t go too far off track tonight. 🙂
stargazer
No need to be sorry. I was the one acting touchy and just upset in general about the passing of a good friend the day before. You were just trying to help and give another perspective. I am having a difficult time with being challenged in regards to my actions concerning said sociopath. I want to apologize to you. Please continue to share your experience; it has helped me.
You are right about the eye contact. I got that the other day from someone and it was really intense. He was a police officer and it just felt weird; his eyes looked too intense.
Anyway have a good day tomorrow:)