Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
I turned to bible study during my marriage as a source of comfort. My abuser loved to point to any bible verse describing how as a Christian wife, I must submit to my husband. In other words, accept whatever he did to me. And I did until the truth was known. His verbal, emotional and later physical abuse were all a part of his double life. When the infidelities were revealed , then everything was understood.
As a Christian, I believe God is sovereign. Sometimes I dont act like it, trying to “fix” everything myself. It is freeing to know that He is in control and will take care of this mess if I follow His direction. That means love your enemies but dont enable them.
God was in my life throughout my marriage and then divorce… keeping me focused on the children, holding my anger and my composure during turmoil. Because of that, I do have a reputation for being level headed and stable; something my ex wants to now destroy.
It was amazing that most of the information gained during the divorce was not obtained by hired PI’s. Instead a “chance” envelope was delivered to the wrong address or a conversation was “accidently” left on voice mail.
I dont believe in chance or accidents so I attribute this to a loving and protective God who wanted me to know truth. Even when my brainwashed mind refused to see the confusion and turmoil that filled our home, God was patient and kept putting FACTS before me. I escaped; He delivered me. I am so thankful.
If I can help just one person going through a similar situation, my experience was not wasted. Romans says “we are more than conquerors” and we are. My faith literally kept me sane and gave me strength. In my weakness, He was strong. I now look back and dont know how I got the children to school, fed them and kept going. I didnt…HE did.
This same faith defines my children. They do know that all earthly fathers (and mothers) are imperfect. They know that they have a PERFECT heavenly father and HE loves them..warts and all. They see that God allowed this to happen and are thankful NOT to be deluded like their Dad. What man meant for evil, God meant for good…The truth of I John chap 1-3 is our presciption for confusion.
My ex is a poor, lost, stumbling soul who cannot find happiness. I pity him, but I will not allow him to damage our children with his misguided and toxic life. So, I pray for him because I do love him as a child of God… and that is his only hope. But I have no contact; I flee from evil because that is what controls him now. Grace is a gift, we are to love the sinner and hate the sin. God will take care of that.
I haven’t yet read all the above links, but I can say for SURE that a twisted form of “christianity” WAS USED to “keep me in line” for most of my life by my egg donor and others.
It was only when I realized, finally, due to the mentoring of a wonderful and caring minister that I started to “see the light” that the “picture” painted of their “god” was truly NOT the real picture painted of God in the Bible.
Each of those topics on the links above was addressed in a way that I could SEE for myself in the scriptures that the TWISTED version of this “angry diety” that had been used to keep me in line was NOT what the Bible actually said. That this twisted and angry god was NOT the “real” God, who is a loving heavenly FATHER to me, no a vengeful diety to keep me in line with the psychopath’s agendas.
Thank you for posting this Donna. It IS I think a common tactic of “religious” psychopaths and abusers to JUSTIFY their abuse to the victims and to the community at large, and is a great way to “smear” a victim by damning them as “ungodly” and “heritics” and to paiint the abuser as “kindly and caring” and “oh, so pious.”
Dear Ox,
I tried so hard as a Christian to salvage the marriage. He showed no real “fruit” of repentence, remorse or restoration. This is why I had to finally divorce.
When I recently enforced some “no contact” boundaries due to harrassment, he went on a tirade yelling ” you call yourself a Christian, look what your God did for you, everything is mine” etc..
Such pride and arrogance. No submission to authority… the court’s, the world’s , or God’s. Interesting that the secret of wisdom is the fear of God..isnt that what Proverbs says??
Dear Flowerpower,
Yes, I agree, they have no wisdom, only greed and rage!
MY egg donor is so much like the Pharisees in the Temple, that Jesus said were like “whited tombs” good looking on the outside but filled with rotteness inside. The egg donor makes great effort to appear pious and sweet and forgiving, but behind that mask of her fake “christianity” she holds grudges and is filled with a desire for vengence and anger.
I started reading the Bible with new eyes and not looking at it as something I had even read before, but re-read as something that was NEW, and I started to see messages for living in stories I had read 100 times before…like for example, the story of Joseph. Joseph had been a smart-alec kid who flaunted his favored status to his brothers, but they were jealous and decided to kill him, but ended up selling him into slavery. Long before they showed up in Egypt where he was now second only to the king, Joseph had forgiven them.
But when they came, he did not know them any longer, it had been 20+ years since he had seen them, though he no longer hated them or harbored ill will toward them, HE DID NOT TRUST THEM,, so he TESTED them to see what kind of men they had become in those 20+ years.
Therefore I learned that FORGIVENESS does NOT equal “pretending it never happened” and restoring TRUST to the person, even if they said they were “sorry.” It is OK to test someone to see what their actions are before restoring trust.
I learned that forgiving someone is more equal to “getting the bitterness out of MY heart” but doesn’t mean I have to TRUST that person until they EARN my trust.
That right there was a biggie for me. Forgiving someone is all about making ME better, not pretending it didn’t happen and laying myself open to more abuse.
I love it that the very men who will use the scriptures about the wife being submissive to the husbands never seem to see or remember the same scripture that says “Husbands love your wives even as your own self” If a husband loves you as he loves himself he will not TREAT YOU BADLY.
I also learned that sometimes challenges are for our learning, and that when we are presented with a challenge it is so that WE can learn from it and become better, and more content people. I also remember the scripture that says “ALL Things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” If you can TRUST that promise as true, you can look at this situation to see that there is GOOD going to come out of this if we keep our faith.
Well, maybe your X got more money out of this divorce than you did, maybe he “won” that, but we also know that the love of money is the root of all evil. He has his “reward” but at the time time, his “reward” is quite valueless in the greater scheme of things. Money does not buy peace, happiness or anything else of any great value.
This whole thing has made my faith STRONGER not weaker, and my belief in God’s goodness much stronger. I, like you, tried to fix my own problems (actually I was causing them) and didn’t depend on God to take care of things, so I have learned that I work like it all depended on ME, but I also pray like it all depends on God (which it does) and TRUST that all things WILL work out for GOOD if I love God and trust him.
Back when I was actually trying to help my P-son get a parole, I never prayed that he “would get a parole” I only prayed that God, who knew his heart, “would do what was BEST all around, and that I would trust that the result (parole or no parole) would be what was BEST and RIGHT”
Of course back then in January of 2007, he did NOT get a parole. By then his Trojan Horse psychopath, his ex cell mate was already installed in my egg donor’s house, going to church with her and being “reborn” etc. while he was having an affair with my DIL who lived next door to my egg donor, and was also “joining the church”—-when I found out what was going on a few months later, that the TH-P was an ex cell mate of my P sons and that he had 3 sex convictions with 3 separate CHILDREN, no one believed it except our local sheriff.
After the arrerst of the TH-P and my DIL for trying to kill my son C, her husband, I said to my egg donor, I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH back then, and of course she hadn’t believed me, accused me of forging the documents of proof on my computer and she said “well why didn’t you get the sheriff to talk to me, I would have believed HIM?” Blaming it on me that she didn’t believe me.
When SHE was caught lying to me, her response to that was “well, don’t tell me you’ve never lied to ME!” My answer was “Yep, ma, I did lie to you, when I was 15 years old, 45 years AGO!
When she was alone because the two Ps were in jail, and my son C, her grandson had moved out of state in utter fear, and I was the only relative left to cater to her “needs”–she actually said to me, “Let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.”
That I realized is the family MOTTO of “forgive and forget” and let them get close enough to stab you again. I don’t play that game any more and I realize that both Jesus and St. Paul gave instructions about how to handle a “brother” that sins against you. Go talk to them privately, if they will not listen, take a witness and go back and if that doesn’t make them see the error of their ways or repent, then take it before the church. If that doesn’t make them repent, then do not associate with them at all, not even to eat! Doesn’t that sound like NO CONTACT ? Sure does to me. And the purpose is stated that they may see the error of their ways and change them.
Well, with a psychopath they are NOT going to see the error of their ways because they have given themselves to EVIL and they do not WANT to change, their hearts are HARD.
Unfortunately, my egg donor has also convinced the small congregation of the church she attends that I am the abuser as evidenced by the fact that I will not associate with her. So, that being the case, they will not listen, I have disassociated myself with them as well.
Jesus said if you do right that people will persecute you, and I think that includes (and especially) the psychopaths as they will do their best to smear you to ruin your reputation and to get others to shun you and talk badly about you as well. So in the end, doing right isn’t generally going to win you any popularity contests.
I have also started to watch more who I associate with and try to get those people who are NOT honest and caring toward me out of my life. I can’t move to a desert island to be away from the world, but I can associate with and be friends with honest people and when people show me that they are dishonest by lying and other acts that SHOW me what their real character is, I get them out of my circle of trust. Doesn’t mean I go burn their houses down, or anything like that, I just disassociate myself from those people as much as I can.
My renewed and improved faith has helped me in this, but it is also a fight every day to be a better person, to be kinder to others and to myself, and to not be bitter. I’m no great example of faith to anyone, but I do the best I can to be honest with myself and others. (((Hugs)))) and Prayers
On forgiveness- my 2 cents worth- the “reason” God leaves biblical solutions regarding forgiveness- which is really only moving on, and striving to remove bitterness and hatred from your spirit(NOT excusing or accepting the behavior) is for this very reason:
Living without it is OPPRESSION – pain, & turmoil WHICH leads into anger, hate and depression.
If unchecked and allowed to grow leads to a spiritual death within ones self- self hatred, lack of self worth,and unhealthy preoccupation with being victimized. Sickness, and mental illness follows, and finally in the extreme form can lead to suicide.
ON not being able to mentally release the pain of oppression-
You cant fix the problem with the same mind that created the problem- TO fix the problem (say, in being oppressed), You MUST first FIX the mind. Choose to forgive yourself, and forgive God, for whatever blame the emotions try to deceive you with.
Then you are able to work toward removing others from the unhealthy fixation of the wrongs they have inflicted.
This will RELEASE the oppression from what the mind has created (from the debilitating memory/emotions of abuse.)
It was suggested to me- and I like this , to use “my story” as a clay pot to mold me into a better person, with true purpose in life.
One other thing, I’d like to mention-the bible not only warns against evil doers- but says in scriptures (Proverbs 4- Enter not into the path of evil men, avoid it, pass by it, turn away from it… Prov 6 in regards to evil men- calamity comes suddenly, he shall be broken without remedy.. In describing a fool- the bibles description is of a “self confident fool”- people thinking they dont need God and are full of their own pride, false self confidence, thinking they can do it by themselves. Only a fool says theres no God saith the Lord.
When will people stop thinking that Jesus is here to condemn the world,??? when EVERY goal of the bible is to give us life more abundantly. God is not at fault for the evil doers of this world. CONSEQUENCES of mans sin is the reason for destruction. OK, I am stepping down from my soap box- not trying to offend anyone.
Dear Sabrina,
Thank you, and I agree with you that associating with or being close to “evil” does contaminate us. “Evil Companions corrupt good morals” I realized too that I had accepted things that were EVIL because I had been around them enough that they sort of “normalized”—-
I also spent a great deal of time reading the teachings of Jesus and learning more of the history of the Bible and the context within which it was written. The Pharisees were the “holy men” of their day, at least OUTWARDLY but though they went to great lengths to uphold the letter of the Law of Moses, they threw the spirit of that Law away. They would tithe of the tiny amounts of mint they grew, yet they would pull some “slick deaL” that would deprive a widow of her home, and they were WILLING to pay LIARS to make up a charge which would allow them to crucify Jesus because he was EXPOSING their lies and dealings to the masses. They had to shut up the WHISTLE-BLOWER at any cost!
They were the POLITICIANS of their day as well as the “religious leaders” so they had the DOUBLE WHAMMY OF EVIL, trying to appear holy while at the same time doing secret UN-holy things. Sort of reminds me of the priests sexually assualting children and it being covered up.
And this is not just anti-Catholic, yesterday in Little Rock, a coach and princlpal at a religious school had been molesting girls for over 10 years and the superintendent had been WARNED 10 years ago that this gjuy might be suspected of it, and HE DID NOT SAY A WORD TO THE AUTHORITIES, WHICH HE IS BY LAW TO REPORT EVEN SUSPICIONS. But he hid it because it would give a bad name to the school/church, so this guy kept on for 10 more years!
Cops cover up for cops who do illegal and immoral things, religious leaders cover up for “religious” perverts, physicians cover up for physicians who are bad, dangerous or violate the law, lawyers for lawyers and so on. I guess the world has always been that way and probably always will be.
All we can do is to start with OURSELVES and work toward making ourselves better people. Tell the truth and move away from people who do evil. We do not have to be abused and think it is our duty to facilitate that abuse, we just have to work toward not letting it embitter us that there IS EVIL IN THIS WORLD. Sometimes that is not easy to not become bitter and that is something I have to work toward daily. However, I know that being ANGRY is not a sin, Jesus said “be ye angry and sin not” and He was ANGRY at injustice. He also said “do not let the sun go down on your wrath” and I looked up the definition of wrath and it means a lot more than just “anger” it is vengeful, hateful, burning anger, the kind that eats at our souls. Letting go of that justified anger and not letting it become WRATH isn’t always easy, but it can be done! It must be done for OURSELVES and our peace.
Even if someone isn’t a beliver in the Diety, there are some great princliples in the Bible that point toward a more abundant life here on this earth. Great directions pointed toward having a peaceful and good life and quiet mind.
Proverbs is a great book for giving directions on how to behave for your benefit, what to do and what to avoid.
My faith has been affected, tremendously. After having a spath in your life, a person knows for a fact that there are wicked people in this world. What is still mind boggling to me is that there are people who don’t want to do what is right, that they will stab you in the back, having not a shred of remorse. Parents need to teach children about human nature, the fact that we are born with a sin nature. Some people will respond to God, wanting more of Him and His ways in their lives, and there are other people who don’t want to be influenced by Him. My heart is to do what is right in life. Spaths lack integrity – they are what you don’t want to be like in life.
Unfortunately the biggest price I paid for having a narcissist sociopath in my life was to entirely lose my faith. I looked Satan in the eye and despite all my prayers and believing in Bible’s promises for rewarding the “righteous” and punishing the “wicked”, he got away with everything he did and I was the one punished for it. Yes, I do know that our timeline is different from God’s timeline. He is talking about eternity and eternal life and we are talking about our own limited lifetime. Nevertheless, no father (including Father) should watch this happen or allow one of His children do such a thing to another one of His Children.
I am sorry I believe Satan has taken over and the “wicked” would always win over the “righteous”. I am done being nice.
Dear Marcia,
I am sorry for what you have experienced and I have been there..and yes I am also done being nice. God doesnt want us to “be nice”. He wants us to be wise, love Him and to understand there is evil. I am glad I learned that lesson…and to be able to teach my children.
God does allow things to happen. I dont understand this but I do know that we live in “fallen” world. As a Christian I believe He is the authority we will have to stand before when we die.But even more than that, I can look back on my situation and see God’s power in me and how He protected me. Sure, the “bad” one got away with the possessions, but I got my children and they are my treasure.
There were times when I questioned my faith. That was when I knew the “enemy” had won. Evil and evil-doers would like nothing better than to see us hopeless victims, without faith, power and completely defeated. Wickedness only “wins” when we renounce truth, God and the hope our faith offers.
That doesnt mean we cant question why or be angry and shake our fist at our situation. Please dont give up! God will never let you go! He IS faithful to those who love Him and will never give up on you.But yes, yell at God, get angry at Him, He can take it…
In my case, my “punishment” was not from God, but was a consequence of staying in an ungodly marriage. One that was not a model of HIS love at all. Of course, deep down I knew that but continued to put up with the disrepect and abuse… I was overcome by the evil and afraid. I didnt know that it grieved God to see me treated this way!!
Out of this marriage I was given two beautiful children.Nothing is more important to me now that to raise them to understand how much God loves them… it is the type of love I want them to have and know..unconditional love. I cant imagine going forward without that. It would be hopeless . Prayers and love your way..
When the discovery of my husband’s betrayal began, I wept for him and I ached to talk to HIM looking for that place of trust and security that he provided to me prior to his having been hauled off to jail suddenly without my prior knowledge that such and event was even possible- let alone likely!
Learning that he is a sociopath came hard because I was numbed by the realization of all that he had lied about and missing the sound of his voice and the gentle words he spoke to me.
It took time for that numbness to open up into a painful wound – the cut of a total betrayal. And to not only learn but act on the information that NO Contact is the only solution and that there will never be a resolution, apology or chance to hear a reasonable explanation and forgive. We will never be friends. He is just gone.
And he haunts my heart like a ghost sometimes because I loved him for some of the very reasons that made him so dangerous. He was always there. He rose to be my champion over and over again. He was taking over MY identity and until he was gone, I didn’t “get it”.
I think Ox and I discussed the idea that the story of Judas’s betrayal of Christ describes that the betrayers are known and that what is known of them is that the betrayal comes not from strangers, but from they closest.
The story of Christ’s suffering in the garden before he was apprehended is one I relate to because this man’s actions lead to me feeling that my whole core was ripped out of me by the bare hand of his lies.
My personal experience was that if I did not know who or what to love and could not find to give it to myself, I could give it to God in thanks that Christ took my suffering to the cross, took the appeal of any of us to heavan in exchange that we and any who persecute us after, be forgiven for the suffering we experienced.
For me, it has been an experience which reinvigorated my faith and renewed my jaded belief that there is a power to love that is much, much more than just men and women coming together.
Yes, there is evil in the world. NO thing may exist without its opposite. If there is good, there must be evil. I take away from the experience that I have benefitted from the learning, from this community and from the discovery of ways to take a real and better care of myself from a healing of the whole self, not just the recovery from this single relationship.
And, I have learned how to let him go in peace and with love because of it.
I found out that my expectations of love have been driven from a part of me that was both wounded and very young. In learning how to provide the comfort that voice has needed to become still all these years, I have discovered a dimension of love that is life changing.
I give thanks to God and the protection of the angels for this great gift.
I see the voice and face of Christ in all of those who have suffered and who extended their kindness to me when I have.
It me reminds me to Faith, hope and love. And the strongest of these, is love.