Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
OxDrover:
Greetings from WDC.
Tne new job is going well. I feel so blessed to have gotten this position. It plays to my strengths, makes me feel that the work I do actually makes a difference in this world (I’m the good cop), has great benefits and I have great co-workers.
My partner (I guess we can no longer call him “new guy” after 9 months) is in town visiting me this weekend. We covered a lot of the city this afternoon — and then I managed to throw my back out. So, I am flat-backed on the sofa for the second. I intend to be upright tomorrow so we can see the cherry blossoms around the tidal basin. It really is beautiful h,ere right now — all the magnolias are in full flower, the cherry blossoms are well on their way, the daffodils, hyacinths and tulips are all in full bloom. My allergies are just divine. I tell people that if I drift off in the middle of a conversation courtesy of the benadryl, they have permission to slap me.
The funny thing I realized about my back is — it went out because the stress in my life has significantly reduced in the last month. IT is the story of my life — I can plow full steam ahead through all kinds of stress and turmoil. And then, the minute it is over — BAM!!! — my health gives out. I still remember what a mess I was in the aftermath of tossing out the S-ex and losing my job. So, I guess it’s only natural that changing jobs and changing cities was bound hit once I settled in.
As for our friend witsend, I really do think she would be best served to let the interlopers do the dirty work for her. They wanted to drag her S into their house over her objections, now let them do whatever they have to do to get him out. Of course, they’re going to turn to witsend and tell her that they’re sorry things didn’t work out and she’s going to have to take him back yada, yada, yada. That’s when she has got to draw a line in the sand and tell them “I”m sorry, but this iBy sn’t my problem. You want him out, you call the cops and get him out yourself.” By taking that position it doesn’t make her the initial aggressor in her son’s eyes, and positions her even better with the court to make the “I fear my son argument.”
Dear Matt,
Yep, STRESS (and remember change, even good change) is STRESS. So keep the changes to a minimum and take it as easy as you can. Stretching exercisxes and all that are good too. Be concerned if there are shooting pains down a leg or if you have bowel or bladder problems (pinched nerve) or tingling in a foot or toes. Any sign of those go to the doctor.
Go get a massage for your back, that will probably help more than anything and 99.99% of “bad backs” solve themselves with that. Also if your stomach is okay to do so, take Ibuprophen or asprin and use ICE packs not heat.
Glad your new job is working well. Are you doing criminal defense again? Are you “defending” the political criminals in WDC? If so, you will have never ending supply of clients! LOL ROTFLMAO Sorry, had to do that,, my bad! LOL (pretending to be ashamed of myself)
Yea, Wits is in the middle of it with her kid, damned if she does, damned if she don’t. Glad she has had somewhat of a break from the little monster for a while though. Hope she has a good sales weekend at her antique show.
The only time I was in WDC was in May of a year a few years ago, there fora conference on the new (then) privacy laws for health care (Thank you Hillory! NOT!) anyway, was so sick with Bronchitas I didn’t leave the hotel til the day before I left DC, and only went to the meetings in the day time on Daquil and codeine cough medication. Got one of those trolly rides that goes around town and you get to see things, but didn’t even get off the car. Wish I had had time to actually see something or felt like it anyway.
Spring is here and allergies are in full swing here too, but did a lot outside and enjoyed that! I’m sore and “stove up” though, too, so will have to keep moving tomorrow and next day to work it out. Had to get a cow up to go to bucher so did a lot of walking, by the time we got her up, I was ready to go to the house and get a rifle to “tranquilize” her. Thank goodness I have the 3 old cows that are suckers for a slice of bread and they will follow you anywhere for bread and act like “Judas goats” and the ones you want will follow them into the corral. I’m getting rid of the ones that are not halter broken like the old cows (former “show heifers” taught to lead)
Ground some corn meal and will make some Mexican corn bread in my cast iron skillet tomorrow (one of our favorite dishes with meat, cheese, onions,, and peppers inside the cornbread) Doing MORE things that are fun and enjoyable.
Dear Waking up,
On the left on the blog roll I think it is, Dr. Leedom’s blog about “raising the at risk child” is a place you need to go and also read her articles here. She also has a child by a psychopath and is doing her best to raise the child so that he does NOT become a P like his father.
Yes, it is somewhat genetic, but also is partly environmental so don’t lose hope by any means. Your child is still an infant and I would hope that you would be able to counteract some of the genetic tendencies since you are HEADS UP ALREADY.
My Son is a P, and my egg donor’s family is ripe3 with them and my sperm donor is a psychopath, and his other grandfather is also a psychopath, so it is big time in my family. I raised one aDHD child who is not psychopath, and one who is a definitely a violent psychopath. Didn’t see much out of him until puberty.
There are also genetic problems with bi-polar as well as ADHD in children who are psychopathic as well, and so if the child gets the 3 biggies they can be problematic early or late, and each problem adds to the mix. Don’t give up hope for your son though, and just be the best parent you can be. My P father raised 3 of his 4 kids, and only 1 of the 4 turned out to be psychopathic so the odds are pretty good I think that your son will be okay. Just watch out for the ADHD anbd the bi-polar as well and if they show up get them treated. That part of the problem CAN be treated at least.
Good luck and whatever you do, don’t panic about your kid’s genetics! Just love him and be as loving a parent as you can be! That’s all any parent can do. God bless!
WakingUp:
I suggest you read the book, “Just Like His Father” by Liane J. Leedom, M.D.
It’s available in the LoveFraud Bookstore.
Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist who also happens to have an at-risk child of her own.
There is good information in the book. I recommend it to anyone who is caring for an at-risk child.
Also, if you click on “Liane Leedom, M.D.” under “Categories” on the left side of this page, her articles will come up. You may find some useful information there, as well.
Rosa, DUH?! Why didn’t I think of that? LOL Thanks for remembering about the book!
Son D and I were laughing today about our “LACK OF MEMORY” I was reading an article that Donna had linked on here about how to control our emotions that are attached to memories, and I printed it out (and had son D read it after I did and I am going to re-read it again.) We were both laughing about the fact that our “short term memory” stores things according to the author 5 days before errasing them if they are not important….and we thought it should read 5 MINUTES!
I’m glad you have some memory, cause i sure don’t! LOL Thanks great suggestion!
Hi, Oxy, Witty and all of you,
I just lost a long blog,-disappeared into cyberspace! Maybeit collided in mid air with another blog, a bit like 2 asteroids colliding!
Anyway, the gist of what i said, was, Im glad I did that time line on my older spath daughter, from 1980, to 1984, {her worst behaviour overall.}
However, its only NOW with the benefit of SOME objectivity, and hindsight, and not clouded by the famous F>O>G> that iIm able to do this. But its still hard.
Like you, Oxy, I tamped down for YEARS all my feelings of grief, hurt, rage, anger, frustration, etc, simply in order to get to see my new Grandkids.Even then, I had to “eat crow” with my biatch ofa spath daughter,just to get to see my first granddaughter! I had to meet my SIL for coffee, and ask him if he thought shed ALLOW me to go to the hospital to see the 2 day old Holly.{Now 15yrs old}.her Majesty finally relented and allowed me to come see the baby, but when I got their, laden with gifts for her as well as the baby, her look of pure HATRED in her eyes, nearly knocke dme over. Id bought hera lovely clarins beauty case full of cosmetics, all she said was”Put it on the end of the bed.” No “Thank-you”.
I had to plead to be a llowed to hold the baby. What is wrong with these people? Why do they hate us so much? Do you think they project their self hatred of themselves onto us?All Ive ever shown her was love and kindness, and forgiveness.
This is really the first time Ive allowed myself the luxury of feeling these feelings, but at times they overwhelm me, in great waves,knocking me sideways. Is this normal? You said the only way is through, not around, under, or over.
Does it get easier? I hope it does! How is your diet, going, Oxy? Ive still only lost 2 Ks, but already feel so much better, and clearer. I swam 10 full laps of the Aqua centre pool today, and am now going twice a week, and walking every day with David, and Bobby.{the poodle.}I admit Im no nearer now to understanding my spath daughters than I was 26 or so years ago. What makes them tick? what happens to them when they run out of supply?
I know now that neither of them love me, I was only a source of supply to them both.
Thank God for David, and my new loving iranian family!
Love, mamaGem.XXX
Children of sociopathic parents are at risk for getting it themselves. If the parents have diabetes, cancer, and heart problems they are also at risk for getting that. It all comes down to genes, and there is not just one gene for sociopathic tendencies, therefore nailing down a chance percent is not possible. All we know, is that about 4% of the population are sociopaths.
Just because you have the gene for diabetes does not mean you are going to get it if you watch your sugar, get exercise, and eat right. On the otherhand, sometimes you get diabetes anyway.
A predisposition can be altered by changes in the environment; like a smoker vs a non-smokers chances of getting cancer. But again, non-smokers have been known to get cancer.
Environment is key to lowering the chances of sociopathic behavior. I think the biggest environmental factor is to not abandon or devalue the child ever. A big environmental factor that contributes when the sociopathic parent is involved in raising the child, is that the child goes through the cycle of devalue and discard throughout their childhood. If the child has the gene for sociopathic tendencies, the combination of devalue and dicard with the gene is the biggest contributer to causing a sociopath. It’s like being a heavy smoker when their mom already died of lung cancer; huge chance of getting it themself.
as for the post, religion was the bases of my relationship with the sociopath. I was very religious at one point, but after the experience with the sociopath i had to step away from religion to relieve my post traumatic stress disorder. It’s been two years now, and religion is slowly being allowed back into my life, but not nearly as strongly as it was before. My faith was used to hurt me, so I look at it carefully to ensure it is not a portal for predators.
Hi all!! It’s been months since Iv’e posted, but today I outed my EX to his work about his drug use, and I have never been so nervous in my life. I still read here, but have decided to take a break from the posting, since posting only makes me think of him, which is something I’m trying to stop doing. But today I feel that I don’t know who else to turn to that will understand my concerns and fear. I opted to expose him becuase I feel that the longer I continue to protect his secrets, the longer I live his lie. I refuse to live his lies any longer. So today has been rough for me. I wonder if I’m going to be suspect #1 on his list (Even though I made sure that anything I told them was in complete confidentiality and anonmity). At this point I don’t care because I know I only spoke the truth, and that the truth will set me free. I should not fear the truth. I feel that I have done what’s right in my heart and from this point on, fate will take over. I hope that all of you are well, miss you all. Please pray for me, that I have done the right thing and that I will be protected from him.. Amber
Dear Bird,
I’m so glad to see you sweetie! I know how faith can be used against us like a club, as well as our love for our family members and our loyalty.
I realize though that just because there is evil in the world does not mean that I must let it cut me off from the source of my own spirit! I did that too long, thinking that my egg donor was right!
The post you gave to wakingup is VERY GOOD and right on.! I am so glad that Baby Birdie has you for a mother! I am also glad that you are getting back to letting your spirit into your life. “Religion” and “spirituality” are not the same thing and you can have one or both, but without the spiritual aspects of religion it is pretty HOLLOW I think. ((((Hugs)))) and always my prayers for you and the Birdie!@....... Give him a big hug from his Aunty Oxy