Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
I agree with you TEACHER, the RE-living part if the difficult part, and there are ways to get around the EMOTIONAL MEMORY that goes along with the detail memory, or to water it down so we don’t get the details+emotions=depression/anxiety/sadness and so on.
I’m reading Dr. Joe Carver’s instructions on this and it makes sense in a scientific (not technically hard) sense and if you are thinking of something that is emotionally charged, he calls the memory a “file” it takes about 90 seconds for the chemically induced emotions to start to flow, so CHANGE THE FILE, manually. The brtain can’t process two memories/emotions at the same time, think of something else. It takes practice to get good at it, but we can do it.
He suggests if you are sad because someone died, and thinking about them makes you sad, instead manually go pick a GOOD and happy memory about that person from the past and think about THAT instead.
I’ve gotten to the point on some memories I can actually think of them in detail and not emotionally—still working on others. Focusing on the good parts of my life in the past and on makin new HAPPY MEMORY Files. I have lots of “tools” in my “fix me” tool kit, and just keep on plugging on toward using them with more skill and more frequently!
Thanks for the advice for the career change, I’m glad that my Biblical references resonate with you, I do find there is soooo much good advice and example there for everyone, believer or not. But nah, I don’t think I have enough memory left to quote verse and scripture any more, I’d have to “preach” off note cards. I think I will just do my “preaching” here as long as Donna lets me! Mostly, though, I am “preaching” to myself and I have at least one friend who catches me sometimes not DOING WHAT I PREACH and he BOINKS me a good one with the cyber cast iron skillet and tells me to “practice what I preach” and my son does the same thing at home! I am working very hard on trying to practice what I preach, but you know, sometmes I’m a flop and need that love tap on the head with the skillet! to wake me up! ((((Hugs)))))
Dear friends,
waking:I am so sorry! I tried to erase that post thinking it might indicate that I dont agree with discussing feelings/events. That is part of therapy…and this is a safe place to be validated…which is a HUGE step toward healing.
A dear angel friend pointed me to Romans 8..This validates me.Tthere is no condemnation; nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. This chapter is beautiful and comfort for those of us who have suffered. I am thankful when led to read it.
My circumstance is validated by Ephesians 6.We dont need any horror movies… we got the real thing. But we have a supernatural “mighty power” who battles authorities of the “unseen world”.
I realize this battle is for souls; I have two innocent children. I have armored myself and am prepared for the war. Satan is a roaring lion …
flowerpower,
don’t apologize for anything you posted, I understand what you were saying. I also feel that there is hardly anything that would deserve being erased as this is a good place to say what is on our minds at any given time. Our attitudes may change, sometimes in my case within a matter of minutes, but I think that whatever we feel is worth validation, at any time.
I went back and read the two chapters in the Bible that you had mentioned earlier and they were helpful. This reminded me that since I left the s-path, I have not read my Bible much. I need to. I have been doing a lot of other helpful reading, like The Sociopath Next Door, and Walking On Eggshells, among other great books. But whats funny is that right before I took the loser back this last time I was reading the Bible a lot. When he came slithering back, he asked what I had been reading because he knew that I read every day. I openly told him that I had been reading the Bible along with other literature about Christianity, theology, and things of the sort. What did he do? Used it as an opportunity to manipulate me of course. He said he had been having a hard time with “life” and acted interested in my reading. He even asked to look at some of my books and pretended to read parts of them. I thought, Wow, maybe he will really make an effort to get closer to God and really know Jesus as a result of us being back together. We all know how this story pans out, he was still stringing along his other ho’s and intended to change absolutely nothing, other than having control over me once again. I shouldn’t be surprised that he used this tactic, but really, a fake interest in the Bible??? A fake interest in Christ??? Just to make his way back into my bed??? I know, right now I sound naive, but it just goes to show that there really is no limit to how low they will sink to get what they want.
This is the best post and so many have expressed what I feel. My Bible has become my refuge. I read often but comment seldom, only because everyone here has already expressed my feelings. This website is God-given because only those who have experienced a s/p will understand. I can not talk to my friends or family, they all think I am nuts or over-exaggerating. Because I have no physical scars, they don’t get it. My prayer is that they never ‘understand’ first hand because that would mean they are also victims. Thanks to Donna, Liane, Steve and everyone here for your very inspiring words.
DEar 2good and Waking up,
You know as I read the stories I had learned as a kid, about Joseph and the “coat of many colors” and about Abraham being asked to sacrifice his beloved son, and about Judas betraying Christ and 100 other “stories” especially the ones about King David (both before and after he became king) I looked at them as if I was reading them for the FIRST TIME EVER and I saw NEW MESSAGES that I had not ever seen before. About “forgivess” not being about TRUST, about “Honoring” our father and mother, and so on, and realized that the commandments in the Bible are not just to get us to “do what God says” but he gave these commandsments because THEY ARE GOOD FOR US, not just to get us to jump through a hoop.
I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said that “Sin is not a sin because it is prohibited, but things are prohibited because they are bad for us.” Franklin was a very “doubtful” man about religion and about God, but he was also a very deeply thinking man about morality and about doing good for others. As far as I know he never “joined a church” but he took good points from the scriptures and philosophy and made them part of his life. He didn’t live a “perfect” life as a private citizen, and was many times totally oblivious to how his behaviors hurt or disappointed his poor wife or kids. We all, no matter how thoughtful we try to be are many times very short of what we would like to be or at least think we are.
Every one of us here has some some really “UNwise and/or STOOPID” things….but also every one of us is here because we want to learn to do BETTER, to live better, for both ourselves, and for others.
For those of us with some spiritual support, leaning on that with our care, belief and learning so that we can grow is important that the abuse of that spiritual journey that may have occured by the psychopaths not be allowed to make us abandon this WONDERFUL resource.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, in his book “Man’s search for meaning” which he wrote after being in the Nazi camps and losing everything, showed that though maybe our religious or traditional beliefs are not we think all that important, yet when we are in the throes of pain, we can see that spiritual guideance and let it help us grow and surive, and to grow and REVIVE!
If you have not read this very important psychological and and emotional and philisophical book I highly recommend it to anyone who is healing from a loss. This man made me see that ALL pain and loss is important! And that no matter how profound it is, it is survivable! ((((Hugs)))) and always prayers!
2Good2Btrue:
“I can not talk to my friends or family, they all think I am nuts or over-exaggerating. Because I have no physical scars, they don’t get it.”
That’s what infuriates me the most about emotional abuse is that people don’t understand just how insidious and damaging it is.
In my opinion, anything that traumatizes or destabilizes a person, causing confusion & self-doubt, resulting in an erosion of the person’s soul to a point where he/she is never going to be the same again is a form of violence.
Just because someone is not beaten black and blue does not mean there was no violence in the relationship.
There is PHYSICAL violence and then there is EMOTIONAL violence.
And, as far as I am concerned, emotional violence is just as devastating as physical violence.
This is what it says about narcissistic abusers in the book, “Stalking the Soul”….
Page 117-120:
“This is a cold, verbal violence composed of disparagement, implied hostility, and condescending and wounding insults. The destructive effects come from seemingly harmless but continuous attacks that one knows will never stop. Every insult echoes previous ones, which makes it impossible to forget; the victim wants only to forget, but the attacker refuses to allow this…..Marks of hostility don’t show up during moments of crisis or over-excitement, but they are constantly there, slowly stalking the victim’s soul every day or several times a week for months, even years. They are not expressed in anger but in an icy tone, stating a truth or an evident fact……When the victim does fall into the “provocation” trap by raising her voice, she’s the one who seems aggressive while her aggressor can pose as the victim….Once set in motion, this vicious circle is impossible to stop because the pathology of both the attacker and victim grows: the abuser becomes more and more violent and humiliating while the victim is more and more powerless and damaged. Nothing can actually prove the reality of what’s happening. Physical violence can be testified to by outside evidence: eyewitnesses, police and medical reports. With emotional abuse there is no proof. It’s clean violence. Nobody sees anything.”
To all:
I love this place!! I am alone tonight and feel like I have a small group of people that I can talk to who really understand. This IS God sent 2good!
Before I learned of my betrayal, I began seeking God, going to Bible study and worshipping. It was so hard at first because of the tears and pain. Our home was confusing and just tumultuous…lies, fear, threats, crazymaking.
I began a 6 month indepth study of my relationships with family and God. It was God given. He literally saved me from a breakdown in this group because He gave me another “safe” place.
At one point in this study we had to express our feelings by drawing a recent emotional moment. I “drew” the first time I actually stood up to my ex and protected my children in public. It had happened just that week and I was outraged but calm and in control… not fearful and timid.
When I showed my art to the group…they gasped. It was the crown of thorns with a flower in the middle. The flower was a cruciform bloom like the cross….We all felt that HE was with me in that so difficult moment,
As I continued in this study and grew stronger, the turmoil at home grew worse. I was under attack constantly for speaking truth, protecting the children, standing up for myself. And that is when the Bible card was pulled. My faith was mocked or studied to use against me.
And I know the Christian stance masquerade…submit to husband was quoted out of context constantly. He had “promised God” to take care of certain (ungodly) friends.He would “pray” for me to learn my lesson. And I hear he is still using that one around the right people….in between the ho-tel runs.
One reason I want no contact is to avoid the fallout from the lightning bolt or hole that is going to swallow him up…LOL!
That is so funny, in a recent text exchange with my ex (under the guise of being about seeing our son) I told him that the reason I want no contact is because I don’t want my son or myself to be around him when God decides to unleash the wrath and karma that awaits him. He didn’t like it but after thinking about it, its true! He self destructs every time with all of the drama he creates in his life. Only difference is that this time we truly wont be there to feel the effects.
Rosa I printed out that quote of your post above and read it over and over! Thank you.
Funny….I did too!
🙂