Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
Flower Power,
Your words are true, pray for those who are lost, and flee from evil doers. I have to take a break now. Good day!
I agree Flower!
Bluejay, I agree with you too. It is difficult to fathom that someone can have the attitude that they have, and I think at first when we realize we have been in the PRESENCE OF REAL EVIL, we are fascinated with it, examine it carefully and closely, and wonder what we can do to fix it, or at least understand it. In the end, though, when we have learned as much as we can what they are, what they think, and WHY they are what they are, then we have to realize that it is no longer about THEM but about OURSELVES.
We allowed them to abuse us REPEATEDLY for some reason, usually because of our desire to be “good to others” to “love everyone” to think that “there is good down deep in everyone somewhere you just have to reach it,” to honnor our marriage vows, to honor our parents, to teach our children, and so on and on.
But, in the end, we have to listen to Jesus’ words and Paul’s advice that if we have tried and tried to teach someone, that if we are not successful in getting them to turn away from abusive behavior, that we must FLEE from them. Stay away from them.
Unfortunately, I don’t see churches themselves today following God’s commands through Paul to discipline people in their congregatons that are OPENLY AND CONTINUALLY violating even the Ten Commandments, much less anything any more subtle. Wives (and husbands) are being counseled to “forgive” (meaning restore unmerited trust to) husbands/wives who have committed serial adultery.
Even ministers who abuse others are sheilded behind “cover ups” because those who cover up for them don’t want to “bring shame” on the church….but let the perpetrators continue to offend—and it isn’t just the Catholic church that is guilty of this, but many others.
He who knows to do good and does it not is, in my opinion, just as guilty as the one who is doing the evil, because only by those keeping their mouths shut can the evil doers continue to do evil.
And, BlueJay, putting the lessons to USE in our lives is what it is all about. It is the hardest part for me…because it means I must take ACTION that may be hurtful or painful to me to do, and isn’t always successful either.
Dear Caroline,
The best we can do, is to teach our children (SOW THE SEED) and as Jesus pointed out, some will fall on rocks, some on the road, and some among thorns, and some on the good soil. We never know when we cast our seed which soil will flourish and produce a good crop. Because the SOIL we are sowing in is INVISIBLE TO US as it is in the HEART of a person. We can’t SEE that heart to know what kind of reception it will have to the seed until the seed has had time to germinate. Sometimes it is years before we see a crop mature or are sure it is NOT going to grow.
In my farming I have found that some seeds will lie dormant for up to 15 years or more before the CONDITIONS ARE RIGHT for them to sprout and then they germinate and sprout and grow.
One year I bought and planted some very expensive grass seed and we had a complete drouth that year and NONE of my seed sprouted and I thought I had entirely failed, but the next year it all sprouted because we had a good rainy spring, and some of that grass is still in that field growing still, reseeding each fall and sprouting when the conditions are right.
We are just commanded to sow, and the harvest produced depends on God. Whether it is me sowing real grass seed on my pastures, or sowing a kind word to someone, germination of that seed for good or ill depends on God.
Isnt praying for them the essence of loving your enemy? I would be lying if I said I dont hate the evil. We are to hate it! God hates it. But we should not want even one person to suffer in hell and have eternal separation from God..no matter what they have done.
Christ’s body was broken for all sinners. I am filthy rags without Him as well… but I acknowledge that. My ex is lost and doesnt need God. He is just a man but he is the father of my children. I want him restored; but I cant do it.
But I wont stand by while his immoral life is kept secret. That is where the truth is needed. That and prayer is all I can do about him.
But God says he will go after that one lost sheep. He loves us so much that he doesnt want even one to be left. We are to love the lost that way too.
God help me the day I want someone to be damned. That would make Satan very happy. We must love the person and hate the behavior.
That is what makes this so very difficult to handle. We LOVE…. and that makes us feel empathy which leads to pain. Thank God for being able to feel, otherwise we would also be lost.
Dear Flowerpower,
I again, TOTALLY agree! I prayed for my egg donor and for my P-son, who would want the womb that carried them to be like that (psychopathic) or the child they carried in their womb to be psychopathic, but at first I was so ANGRY that I had difficulty MEANING the prayers. I wrote them out and read them aloud, almost against my will, just saying, “God I know that YOU KNOW I don’t feel this prayer, don’t mean this prayer, but I am doing it any way, please bless ______”
It was so difficult for me to do that I had to MAKE myself do it, but in the end, one day I realized I no longer HATED them in my heart, so whether the prayer helped them or not, it, I think, I believe, helped ME.
Yes, we can love, and we can hate, we can feel both emotions, and unfortunately, they are not receptive to the love we FEEL for them. Love is like communication, it takes a sender and a receiver to work the best.
i saw a definition of love recently that i like: care in action.
this does suppose a giver and a receiver – even if it isn’t given back, love needs a place to flow to.
i am doing a lot of organizing today. this is big for me. i haven’t been able to – everything has been too overwhelming. as i go through papers i come across things that remind me of the spath. things from our conversations or just things that remind be of the time that such and such was happening with ‘him’. and i hate her anew. i gave to ‘him’, ‘she’ stole from me.
i am throwing these pieces of paper in the garbage – even tough they are really just a part of me (and therefore should be cherished), they remind me of her and it freaking hurts. so much love and care given, so much of me shared with that human piece of excrement.
there is so much i need to learn and know about all of this – how to let go of all the pieces of, and even what the pieces are. it is unfathomable, but it happened. i loved someone a lot, and it was all a charade on their half. wow. that’s a universe out of balance.
hope the folks in chaplaincy at the army base call me back today. and i hope they have some resources that civilians can access in relation to PTSD. ’cause that’s the thing – universe off axis means that my old compass is smashed. and i don’t know what that means to my life yet, but it’s looking pretty scarey some days.
Dear One-step,
The chaplaincy at the army base may not have much to offer someone who was not in the military (unless you were) but I know the VA does some work with the PTSD of various veterans and so maybe you could at least get some “directions” on what the latest and best treatments are.
Personally, I DO take antidepressant medication (generic version) and it DOES help me, but I know that you are adverse to medication for you—I also used rapid eye movement therapy and I think I have read where there are some people who do SELF-EMDR which might be an option, so google it and see what is out there that you can find.
Unfortunately, for many of us, as we start to heal (and peel that Stinking “onion”) layer upon layer of dysfunction that we hadn’t “noticed before” starts to be uncovered. Sort of like diging down into a compost pile, you never know what kind of chit you will uncover! Some of it still pretty fresh and stinking.
One of the things with turning compost into potting soil is that you have to STIR THE CHIT from time to time for it to compost compost with the most speed and effenciency. I’ve never stirred the compost pile that it wasn’t hard work, or that I didn’t uncover something that stunk! Same in doing the healing I think too. We uncover some nastiness inside the pile that until we stir it we are not aware that it is there. Most of the nastiness I have uncovered is thinks inside me that in need to work on improving my ownself.
(Don’t you just love my analogies! LOL)
I didn’t wake up one day and realize I am a psychopath, I did however wake up and realize that I had ENABLED psychopaths to use me to hurt myself, I had enabled them to use others I loved to hurt me, and I had facilitated it all because I had not been more cautious, logical, reasonable, and functional. In short, I had set myself up for DEFEATING MYSELF.
As long as I am willing to be self defeating, they don’t even have to abuse me, I will do it for them. So, I have to be PROACTIVE in fixing myself and my deficits.
I printed off 18 pages yesterday of the link (and NO, I cannot remember what thread it was on) donna posted for Dr. Joe Carver’s article—here is what I think is the link though,
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/emotional%Memory.html
Anyway, I will post this and then check to see if that link is good. Oxy
Dear one.
I am still unable to “clean out” the collected memories. I keep thinking it will help the children one day if I save stuff. And I do think it is just too surreal for me to face right now.
Your last comment about the compass being smashed struck a cord with me. I just want you to know that your compass is fine. You were deceived and even though you look back and there were some “red flags” , how could you know?
I am thankful that despite my enabling– which I own, I do realize that my betrayer worked his magic on many people. So does mean that all of us have bad compasses?? NO! His was spinning and by catching me in it, I became off balance.
Sure, your Universe is upside down. I understand how you feel. But, you were rightside up all along. You had an encounter with someone who turned everything upside down.
Just like a ship at see, you will right yourself. You will not sink. And you will set sail on a new journey….and on calmer waters.
Dear One, I couldn’t get that link I posted to work. DUH not sure waht I did wrong.
Flower, sometimes I think when we approach too close to a psychopath it makes our MORAL COMPASS spin out of whack like it would if we had a real directional compass and we got too close to the north or south pole. We end up getting off course and going directions we never would have if we had not been too close to a “source of contamination.”
Dearest Caroline, You have been in my thoughts constantly.I feel your pain. Oxy,I, Witty, TB and others share your pain, we have all been there.Its like your adult child has ripped the heart out of your chest with a blunt, rusty knife,then stomped on it, and ground it with their heel. I havent seen my younger daughter, C, for 17 years, and never set eyes on any of her 3 kids,{her decision.}
The only thing I can say is,-the pain NEVER really goes away, ,but in time, it changes to a dull ache. You can learn to put the pin in a compartment at the back of your brain,and as Dr Carver suggests,change the file, ie, as soon as you have a depressing thought about the grandchild youve never seen, etc, IMMEDIATELY think of one good thing about the mother when she wa s a lovely little girl, and then THANK GOD for that sweet memory. Its impossible for the mind to retain a positive and a negative thought simultatiously, and over time, the searing pain lessens.Its like a severe 3rd degree burn,to the soul, the pain i s searing. In time,thick, scar tissue forms over the raw wound, protecting it from infection. If you rip off the scab before the wound has had a chance to heal itself,you will bleed all over again. I have learned the hard way,how important NC is. and giving the whole sorry mess over to God. My problem was,{and still is!} that I keep snatching my “girls” back!Yes, its acutely painful not to be ever allowed to see our Grandkids, but what can we do about it? Nothing!
These half human creatures only use their kids to torture us with. and they do it gleefully, KNOWING full well what pain they cause us, and they DONT CARE! In fact, they crow and gloat over our pain!They are truly HEARTLESS. They have no conscience,no empathy, no kindness, no compassion,no remorse.God wants us to pray for them, but have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM! As Oxy, says,”Dont even eat with them”.{Jesus words>}But guess what? Ultimately, they lose, they offend God, the Holy Spirit, jesus, the Trinity is a JUST god, and He doers NOT want us to suffer.Like Oxy, I was given WRONG avice re forgiveness, ie, forgive, meant “Lets all pretend it never happened,” forgive them even tho they CONTINUE to abuse us! NO!! God will literally drag us away from these horrible people, if necessary, he does NOT want us to suffer! He loves us and cares about us, He is on OUR side! Ultimately these people CHOSE to follow evil insted of good, and they are accountable to God for their sins. We cant save or protect them if they CHOOSE evil! They have to face the terrible consequences! It may look fora while like they are winning, but in the end, they are pitiful creatures.My love and Prayers, dear heart!! Love, Gem.XXX