Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
I totally understand….
EB,
Tell me more about what you said about the system doesn’t work like we think? What means this?
Hey to Sabrina & ErinBrock, and all of you!
Thanks for the welcome, you’re right, UNBELIEVABLE resources here! THought I’d post some of my story… and maybe get some ideas.
I had just ended a long-term relationship with another guy when I met the S-PATH (aka spawn of the devil). And yes, I MET HIM AT CHURCH. I was playing keyboards on the worship team at the time, and he had expressed an interest in me through mutual friends. We went out a few times, and meanwhile, he was asked to get up and give his testimony in church.
Come to find out he had been recently released from prison, had “re-committed his life to Christ,” and gone through some Christian program with Prison Fellowship. It was a very dramatic testimony of how the Lord saved him from a life of drugs and how he was leading all these men to Christ in prison, etc. The amount of scripture he quoted was truly phenomenal, I was pretty taken in with it, assuming he had been completely “reformed” from his life of crime, and thinking this was the Lord’s provision for me after having severed the other relationship.
In reality it was a rebound relationship borne out of my own desperation and loneliness. We kept seeing each other. (To give you an idea how gullible I was, one night he needed me to drive him over to his brother’s house to give him some “sugar”. He claimed his brother was so poor, they didn’t even have enough sugar in the house to make Kool-Aid. HMM. I believed him.) Anyway, he seemed very attentive (which was really suffocation, but I didn’t see it at the time) within a few weeks, we had sex. I became pregnant, we went in front of our church to confess and repent. After only having known him 3 months TOTAL, I started getting really uncomfortable around him, seeing red flags, so to speak. I have never been around drug users, but looking back I would suspect he had already fallen back into his drug lifestyle. He became extremely verbally intimidating with me, and his mood would change in a matter of seconds. He would show up at my apartment and beat on the door, refusing to leave until I spoke with him. If he called on the phone and I didn’t answer, he would drive over. I was bewildered, embarrassed (Jerry Springer-like behavior is so repulsive to me), and on top of that, beginning to feel very unsafe. A friend from my church had stopped by to visit the S-PATH one night, and there was a dead animal left on his doorstep. I can only imagine the kind of people he must have been hanging out with when he wasn’t at church.
At that point, I decided to end the relationship, and went to my parents and the elders of my church to try to get “godly” counsel. My parents have been 100% behind me (after the shock wore off, bless their hearts). The church was a completely different story. I went to the church elders asking for help in keeping him away from me (I was too dumb to just go to the POLICE). I guess they figured I made my bed, now I’ve got to lay in it. I never asked for money or anything else from anyone, just support. Truly churches can be so cruel.
Long story short (well I guess it’s too late for that!) the S-PATH was arrested on drug charges and sent back to jail for awhile on several different occasions during my pregnancy. I gave birth to my son in 2002, made the decision not to put his birth father’s name on the birth certificate, so he has no legal rights and we receive no support from him (AND WE DON’T WANT IT!). In 2005, he was arrested and convicted of armed robbery of several area convenience stores, and was sent back to prison to serve the remainder of his previous term. As of now, I think he is in the klink until sometime in 2012. He has never met my son, though occasionally he will send a card or letter, all very sappy about how much he misses him and how much Jesus loves him. Usually there’s a letter included for me… the latest says he just “has such a burden to be praying for me… to be careful I don’t get too tired because when people are tired they end up making stupid choices.” HELLO!?!?!? (I have saved all these for a future time when my son might need and want to know about his father. As things stand now, I haven’t seen or spoken to him, or responded to ANY of his letters since I was pregnant (8 years ago).
Of course in his letters, he makes it sound as though we are courting the days until he gets out of prison, waiting with open arms, which is obviously NOT the case.
My son is a HUGE blessing in my life! So sweet, so innocent, and most days I don’t even remember there was another biological parent… but I know there are times I’m too strict with him because I’m so determined not to let him be anything like his father.
The other thing I struggle with at this point is how much to tell my son. So far I have only said that his father left while I was pregnant, and that he has some problems that make him unable to be a parent. My son has never asked much beyond that… but my son has prayed that I will marry so he can have a “dad”. So we pray, and we trust that God will provide at the right time. I’m such an un-trusting person right now it’s hard to be open with anyone.
We have changed churches a few times, I think we are finally in a place we can feel safe for now.
If anyone has any suggestions for me on talking with my son about his father, and on how to protect ourselves once the S-PATH gets out of prison in about 2 years, I’d appreciate any input! Thanks for listening.
Blessings to all.
Dear Jennie,
To answer your question, if your X tries to see YOUR son, I would do whatever is NECESSARY to keep him AWAY if it meant moving to the ends of the earth!
Personally, I think you have handled it totally as well as can be expected.
Unfortunately, churches are in the business of “forgiving” sinners at the drop of an “I’m so sorry” without any apparent necessity of the sinner showing GENUINE ACTIONS that support that “repentence.”
That is NOT how my Bible reads, re-establishing TRUST has nothing to do with “forgiving.” You can forgive your X but that does not mean you trust him, could ever trust him, or want him around your darling son!
I’m glad your faith is strong and that you have done so well and that you are NO Contact with this creep.
Believe me your X (except for the drug use) sounds like I gave birth to a second psychopathic son I didn’t know about. They can quote the Bible with the best of them, Satan himself can quote scripture when it benefits him, he thinks.
Victory!!! Ox, Matt, ErinB and LF you would have been so proud. My ex and I had court today for my lawyer’s fees. He tried to play the sob story….he told the judge that he may have to file for bankruptcy, he is two months behind in his mortgage, he has too much child support to pay, etc., etc. I felt like strumming a violin. I told the judge that he is living with his mistress and kids and they have two good incomes. He told the judge that he wants to pay me $350 a month for 20 months. WTF! I want my money all at once. So I brought up income taxes and long story short he has to start paying me $350 the first of each month starting tomorrow. Then we go back in May and he has to bring evidence of how much he received in his tax return and he is not allowed to spend any of it. I am hoping to get most of his income tax back.
He didn’t even ask about our child that he still hasn’t seen since Nov. 2009 and you know what I don’t care. The poor thing looked so tired and worn out : ) He kept looking at me in court and smiling…almost flirting. Can you believe that? Well, I guess you can because he is a sociopath.
nic, You go girl. I’m so glad it went well. It’s a weight off your shoulders, isn’t it?
Derar Nic,
TOWANDA!!!!!!! HIP! HIP!!! HOOOOOORAY!!!! SCORE ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS!!!
I love it Nic!!! I am so proud OF you and so proud FOR you!!!!
You should have blown the spathole a kiss! (Not really, but I would have loved to see the look on his smirking, flirting face!) LOL
Well, we know that he won’t be going on vacation with his tax return money will he! Ha ha
Glad he is not seeing your child! That’s a plus too. GTood going GF! You are doing so well! I know that a victory over him gives you a great deal of satisfaction and a bit of money too! ((((Hugs)))) My prayers are answered! God is good!
Ox: Yes, God is good. Kim: yes it is.
NIC!!!!!!!
YEAH BABY!!!!!
I can hear how empowered you are feeling…..GREAT, GREEAT!!!!!!
YES!
See…..with a bit of work, determination and follow through….IT CAN BE DONE….
These guys all have the same story…NONE are paving new ground….BUT THEY THINK THEY ARE!!!!
Keep this feeling close to you and NEVER FORGET!!!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
GO GIRL!!!!
nic:
Great news. Was M
att right when he said judges love facts but hate emotions? As for you S-ex I am certain he didn’t bring in one piece of paper which would support any of his so called “facts”. Now, the one thing you have to do is hold his feet to the fire — you don’t permit any delays, modifications, alterations, hypothetcations, justifications — nothing. I don’t care if he is on life support in ER while they are performing brain surgery — you make sure he has his sorry ass in court no matter what.
Congrats, again.