Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
After you are 18, your father cannot dictate that you must stay with him. You may have to until your school ends, though, in order to finish up high school.
I would advise you, in the meantime, to keep yourself CALM no matter what he says to you, don’t APPEAR to be upset. SAY inside your mind While he is saying hurtful things, “this is only his words, it is not TRUTH and it cannot hurt me unless I allow it to hurt my feelings.” Say that over and over because it is true, no one else’s words can penitrate or hurt your soul unless you allow them to FEEL TRUE.
If he says “You are stupid” (counter that inside your mind with “I am bright, he is wrong.”)
If he says “You are lazy” say inside yourself, “this man is lying, HE is the one too lazy to pick up his own socks, he is like a spoiled child”
Since at worst, you only have a few more months, it is already April so maybe 60 days until you can go visit your mother, or maybe your mother would contribute your ticket money to your school fund, or let you use it to rent an apartment to stay in if you can’t get money for school and must work your way through school. I worked my way through college for 5 years to get my advanced degree, I cleaned other people’s houses, and worked as a clerk, but I succeeded, and YOU CAN TOO!
Where you have your father that verbally abuses you and puts you down, I had my mother doing that, she never liked me or treated me nicely or nothing I could do to please her.
I do know how it is to feel TRAPPED by a demanding parent that you cannot please, and how each day seems an eternity, but I know now it is not “forever” it just SEEMS like it!
But from your writing, I can know that you are a smart young woman, and a strong one too, or you could not have kept your strength to study….inspite of what he says about you.
For now, though, quit CARING what he thinks.
I try not to let him get to me but sometimes its frustrating. Especially, since I love going outside and he often restricts that from me. The good part is that he sometimes stays out late at night. But every so often I get frustrated with dealing with him. Since nobody believes me or thinks I’m telling the truth about any of this. My mother really wants to see me and talk about growing up into a woman. She’s upset of the way he treats me and wishes I could come back to live with her for some time. She really wants me to get away from this enviroment for awhile. She said if I could come from June to mid July then right now I have something to look forward to. Then when I come back then I only have a few weeks till I head back to college. So then there’s something else to look for. My mom says it help relief some of this dealing with dad. I’m not so sure because I want to get a driving license and a summer job.
Dear Hurt no more,
Sweetie, you cannot control what he does or says, but keep in miind it is NOT FOREVER, just a little while. Plus, just because he says you are a “duck” does not make you lay eggs or go quack. What he says is not important.
If you were going to have to put up with him FOREVER it would be so much worse…at least you can see a LIGHT at the end of the dark tunnel of your father. It is the light of your independence. It is when we see NO light, and the tunnel is endless that we have no hope, but YOUR LIGHT IS CLOSE AND BRIGHT! Keep your eye on the light and keep telling yourself (say it in your mind) “I am so close, only a little while.” (((Hugs))))) say ity over and over!
I know I can’t control what he say or does but five months seems like a long time. I try to look forward because so many miraclous things have happened this past year. I can’t let my dreams, goals or ambitions go. I just can’t! Its just seems so long and every day its the same thing. I just got to block out most of his nonsense. After awhile, I just want peace and quiet. Constant waking up in the middle of the night for something so frivalous. Sometimes I forget that my mom still loves me no matter what. I’m so tired of him making me look bad and all.
I’m having all sorts of things from childhood coming up today. I am cleaning the house and crying at the same time. I was really hoping to have a good day today. I hate crying. THings just keep coming back that contributed to me being a sociopath magnet. I can’t believe that things from elementary school are getting plugged into the picture.
I have a feeling that when my new books come, I may be crying all damn day while I study them.
My mother was so controlling and fed me so much crap about relating to the opposite sex. My parents fought constantly when I was little and I was always afraid that Dad would leave. My daddy did leave for awhile when things got bad. He went to stay with his mother across the lake. I remember when he left that day. I DID NOT want to be left alone with my mother. SHe had me under her thumb so much that I couldn’t even go do things with friends. She was terrified that something would happen to me. She is why I am so shy and don’t make friends well.
Dad was distant because his job required him to travel M-F and he was only home on weekends. He didn’t know that I just wanted to be like him-instead of like my mom. He didn’t know that I wanted a relationship with him so bad. I don’t think he knew what to do with a girl. I was the oldest child. THey didn’t know what they were doing as parents.
My mom always seemed to be spanking me too. I was doing the same things as normal kids and they werent’ getting spanked for everything. Then she would say-wait til your dad gets home. I started to believe that Dad would only be home to punish me and then leave again. She always had to bare-ass spank me too. I started developing breasts and full on puberty in fourth grade and she was still bare ass spanking me. I started my period in fifth grade and she was still bare ass spanking me. It was so humiliating. My dad did it once and I thought I was going to die-I was so embarrassed.
I was going through all those hormonal changes when dad left for awhile. I begged and pleaded as he was going out the door for him to please take me with him. I chased him down the stairs and my mom grabbed me and held me back.
EVeryday he would send me a card and somteimes a little trinket telling me how much he missed me. I kept all those cards and things in a cigar box and took it with me everywhere. I wouldn’t play with my friends at recess. I just sat with my box and read his cards over and over.
When I was fifteen, my first boyfriend broke up with me because I didn”t want to have sex. He was my only boyfriend who I believe was NOT a sociopath. My mom kept feeding into me about negative things about sex and how I should NEVER let boys touch me. I liked it when he touched me. The night that we almost had sex, he was touching me but I was on my period and wasn’t comfortable with that and I was afraid. I was also embarrassed to tell him about it. The next day at school. I finally talked to him about it and he broke up with me.
I am sure more stuff is going to start coming out. I can’t believe that after all this time, I still cry so hard over all these things. I know it has to do with why I am this way.
Dear erin1972,
Oh my God! I can see why it makes you cry. It makes me cry just to read it. I hear its good to reflect and look back on the past it can som etimes help you know yourself better. That must have been hard and challenging growing up. I can imagine. I wish we all had the ability to choose who’s in our family and to choose what goes on in life. But unfortunately we can’t. We can only learn something or have some thing mature us or develop us.
hurtnomore-thanks for your post. I have been reading your posts and it sure looks like you would have liked to pick who was in your life as well. You are really young and the biggest advice I can give is to NEVER let go of your dreams now that you are of age, you can do whatever you want. You have your whole amazing life ahead of you. My biggest regret was not doing what I WANTED when I was 18-I let my parents continue to exert their control and I am still fighting to be where I am supposed to be in my life before I get too old. I am 37 now and fighting to make my dreams come true. I appreciate SO MUCH that at your age, you are able to see my pain and recognize it because you are going through SO MUCH stuff yourself. It’s good that your’re here. These people on here are helping me so much!
erin1972: Thank you so much. I realize that now I have got to really get on with my life. I gotta get out of here and become a better person. No matter what happens I’ve got to be an adult about things. I can’t sit here and cry and be helpeless and neither should you. I have got to grow up and start to take control of my life. I shoukdn’t care what my dad says God sees everything and knows everything. He knows the truth and so do I. The truth always comes out! I know God is faithful and will never let you down. I’m not sure if you are a believer or not. But one thing sure is when you got your eyes on where you want to go the rest will follow.
hurtnomore-I agree with you 100%. I am a believer and I do agree with that. I do have some long standing issues with religion though. During the time I was going through all this in elementary school. My mom became a total religious fanatic to the point where she was out of touch with reality and she wanted my dad to be the same way. It got to the point where they had nothing in common. She always wanted to change him and he was fine just the way he was.
I have my own relationship to God and it’s totally different from my mom’s. That drove a huge wedge between us since I was little. I had to cut her out of my life because every time we see each other or talk, we fight and I end up angry and in tears or both. She is toxic to me. She doesn’t understand me at all. I have a wonderful step mom though and she totally gets me. I have a better relationship with her than my own mother. I think my mom knows that and it makes it worse.
We all have to take control of our lives. I am NEVER going to let another narcissistic sociopathic man into my life or let him take anything from me. I am working on getting my self esteem back and getting boundaries for my self. I am going near ANY kind of dating until I am totally well with it and have my career in line the way I want it. My dream is the most important thing in my life.
erin1972: That is so beautiful that you are after your dreams. That’s such a blessing to have a wonderful step mom that knows you. Its hard breaking away from your parents but sometimes you have to just for sanity. Unfortunately, I have to cut out my dad and keep my mother at a distance. Its painful to see what your parents have done to you. Sometimes intentionally other times unintentionally. Sometimes I want to run back to my mother like she was when I was younger. She was very supportive and saw my dad for the way he is. But now she’s supportive but believes that you are obligated to have a relationship with your parents. I know you aren’t but you gotta do what’s best for you. I don’t need another headache or bloodshot eyes neither do you. You gotta hold yourself together and pray. Pray and pray. God will deliver you just like he did with Moses and his people. I’m so lucky to have my dad’s x girlfriend who truly believes in me and knows the truth and so are you with your step mom.