Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
hurtnomore-I have my dad and stepmom in my life even though they live far away. I keep siblings at a distance along with my mom because they think she is some kind of saint. My sister who is 3 years younger than me is pure evil. She has a lot to do with my low self esteem. She dealt with my parents control issues by developing an eating disorder-bulimia. That’s how she maintained control. She was a behavior problem in school and wasn’t real bright to begin with. She was in gymnastics and my dad pulled her out because she was screwing up all the time.
When we got to high school, she got more and more evil. She was a size 0 from throwing up all the time. I was a size 8 with d-cups. She had a lot of jealousy and she acted like she was better than me. When she got to be college age, she couldn’t get into any schools and flunked out of the JC. She went to a shrink and that person made her right a letter to the people who “wronged her” in her life. My parents and I all received these letters. She was hateful to both parents and said things she shouldn’t have said. She took a whole page fron and back to tell me how worthless I was-how I took attention away from her. Mom and dad liked me better, etc. The worst part:
that thing BLAMED ME FOR HER BULIMIA because “she was scared to death of becoming like me-fat and disgusting”. I was the same size with an identical body to Mariska Hargitay from SVU and I was “DISGUSTING”. That has made me obscess about it and me in depression and low self esteem for years. Now I am 80-100lbs overweight. I am busting my ass to lose so I can go to the police academy.
I gained a ton when I quit smoking two years ago and then more when the ex discarded me like trash. I would rather carry this weight than be smoking.
It’s all about me now. Anyone who doesn’t support me is out!
Oh wow, your sister did and said all that! Oh my gosh! That’s absolutely terrible. But you did what you had to get better.
my thearpist told me that siblings are always in rivalry whether it be attention or personality. My older sister thinks I’m favored more and that I got it easy compared to her. She thinks I suffered less than her. Everything with her is a competition and its so annoying! But I just ignore her and her comparisons. But your sister really damaged you. I’m glad you are getting on your own two feet.
hurtnomore-she is a mess not too. She has built her ENTIRE life based on her physical appearance. She is SO shallow. Her only education after high school was going to the Aveda Institute for esthetics which her ex paid for. She can’t even work in the field because of her jealousy issues. She has conflicts with every woman she works with. Now she has no job and can’t get one.
She has two beautiful kids. She divorced her husband, a good guy, because the “honeymoon phase was over and they were settling into raising kids. She was no longer being worshipped day and night by him because the focus changes to raising kids, paying bills, etc.
Now her ex is remarrying and may get custody of the kids because I don’t think she even wants them. She is three years younger than me and looks 10 years older. My stepmom says I look 10 years younger than I am.
I don’t know what the heck is in store for her. The sad things is, we have a younger sister who is 13 years younger than me. These two are constantly together. The youngest one worships her and I think SHE now has an eating disorder too. The two of them live together because the youngest is now getting divorced. My stepmom said that they are both absolutely skeletal.
I am SO FREAKIN GLAD THAT THEY ARE NOWHERE around me!!!
Oh my God. The things people do. That’s terrible and sad! I’m glad you realize your worth and value. I’m so glad that you got away and are working towards a goal in life.
Hey Erin….I’m in NYC! My daughter is filming now. I was out on the deck reading a book about Buddism. Just came in to check on things.
Erin…our family histories are so alike. Crazy moms…better with Dad. Socio selfish sister 3 years younger.
One thing,…its really good that you are crying. Tears are Healing. Its true. The first night I started posting on here..I cried for about 3 hours…sobbing aloud! I wanted to take my brain out and smash it! Thats all I kept saying!
Something happenned to me that night. I healed alot of old hurts and got stronger.
When you get the book Betrayal Bond…you will have to do some exercises that will help you realize how screwed up things were that happenned to you and its not your fault. And, these things you keep replaying in your adult life.
The incident you wrote about with begging your Dad not to leave..Well…that early feeling came up in your r/s with the socio.
The reason you are thinking about the r/s…it was EARLY feelings coming up. You’ll understand when you get into that book.
It has nothing to do with your X. Its all early feelings. You regressed into the little Erin when you got involved with him.
Thats what we need to resolve. Not the ending of a horrific r/s with a socio…that was only a trigger.
My mom passed away in 2002. I felt sorry for her. She was really a victim of victims of victims….
Her Dad and Mom were nuts too. She was really abusive. But, in the end I did feel sorry for her…even though she hurt all of us alot.
Its confusing….but the point is that I am what I am today because of my messed up childhood. And, it affected the way I relate to people and how I have felt about myself my entire life!
I am now aware of things. I was too busy raising my girls since my divorce in 2002….I didn’t really resolve old issues…so I repeated them.
So, Erin….life can be great …you will MAKE it great..you have a FUTURE…just get through this ..,don’t go around it…under it…go THROUGH it….and you will emerge on the other side…..better and happier than ever..
erin1972: I agree with tobehappy! Life can be great! You do have a future! You can do it! I definitely believe in you.
tobe-Hi. You are SO lucky to be in NYC. I have been dying to go there my whole life. I wanted to be a cop there so bad but they won’t hire me cuz I’m too old. They have this stupid rule that on one can be a recruit and start after age 35. No other city has this rule that I know of.
I am into the music theatre thing. I used to be a voice major in my early 20’s and at one time, thought I was going to be an opera singer. I want to go to the Met so freakin bad. Did you Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock? There was a scene where the little girl was trying to go with her dad. He was leaving the mom and the little was begging and pleading to go with him. The scene in the movie was identical to mine when my dad left. I can hardly watch that movie. That scene is too much for me and I bawl my head off every time I see it.
I am still waiting on my freakin books to get here-slow ass UPS. I can’t believe how much childhood life is affecting me now. It’s why I couldn’t break up with A*** when I was tired of playing second fiddle to HER. It was why I also made up with him. Everytime we fought, I would cave because I was afraid of him leaving-even though I should have let him leave.
He threw that in my face when he discarded me. He called me crazy and said that I had abandonment issues-ya think? Stupid fucker. Write back if you get bored. I’m alone doing housework and watching DVD’s.
hurtnomore-I believe in you too. YOu have much time to do ANYTHING!!!!!!
erin- thanks!
I’m so sick and tired of my parents pretending so much that they are better people than they are. My parents always want us to lie and pretend that we dont need help when really we do.My dad pretends as if he helps me with this whole college process and pretends as if he sweats nails for me to survive. In reality, he doesn’t do anything! I’m so tired of people calling teenagers exagerators as if some of us don’t know what abuse looks like. I’m sitting here inboxing my cousin only to have him think that I’m just being a teenager. Aren’t my parents great actors and actresses? They hurt us( my siblings), push us around, set us up, lie to us and She left knowing that she isn’t coming back and never told her kids! She had our house on foreclosure and never told us! She had us dumped in my dad’s house knowing he was a sociopath. She beat the crap out of us growing up because her marriage wasn’t working out. She kicked my little sister out when she was 12 years old. You know what? I forgave her but we aren’t ever gonna be close again. Mom is at a distance. Dad, on the other hand, left us hungry for weeks. You call that love? We ( my sisters) know our parents have issues and we wanna be better adults. We wanna be way better than they were to us for our kids. We know that we aren’t gonna be close to our parents. We can’t! But the four of us( my sisters and brother) are close and love each other. They think we will forget what they did. We will never forget what happened.
hurtnomore-ya’ll will never forget what they did. That must have been a horrendous way to grow up. It’s too bad there can’t be a license to be a parent. Some people definitely suck at it. I think my sister sucks at it. She pawns of on my mom and she had him for MONTHS before he started kindergarten.
I would be a better mother to him than she is.
Just keep thinking that you’re GOING TO COLLEGE SOON. That will be great for you. Where are you going and do you know what you want to study?