Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
One Step,
You are inbetween a rock and a hard place. None of your options are really good ones, hence they are very difficult to make. Creating YES, more stress…Exactly what you don’t need.
You need to earn money to survive but you also need a decent work enviornment, so that you can thrive and work.
NOTHING you described in your above post has any simple solutions. All of it is complicated and forces you to be vulnerable with these people if you are to admit why you can’t work under these conditions.
Somehow you have to try and simplify where your main focus needs to be right now. This is much easier said than done. And I am not trying to minimize your pain, because I feel it in your writting.
When I try and “think” about these kinds of things (in my head) that overwhelm me and create stress and anxiety, I also tend to mix all my emotional feelings with them as well. And spend entirely to much time in my head with these thoughts whirling around…..And I get nowhere. Except more stress, more anxiety, more fears, and usually a crying spree follows from the emotions.
The ONLY way I have found to even begin to redirect my prioritys are to write them down. Then eliminate the things that I can “deal with” later, to include important things but just not as important as some of the others.
For some reason this helps to clarify things for me. Finally I end up with a clean sheet of paper and only a FEW top priority issues.
Its a matter of deciding what must come first. The chicken or the egg?
One, what must you do first here? Do you need the job first before you can get new housing? Probably. Because money is going to determine where you might live?
But also would you qualify for any aid right now to get housing w/o having a job as yet? Or would that housing be woprse than where you live now….
If you felt better health wise, you would do better.
I know that you have been struggling with all of these questions and these issues, your housing, and your health and job situation all while suffering from ptsd.
But you almost have to answer at least two or three of them before you can proceed.
Could you continue to live where you are (for awile longer) and take on a temporary position if it paid well enough, to try and save money to be able to move? Can you continue to work in the coffee shops, just to be out of the toxic house for several hours a day?
You KNOW all the questions….You just now need to try and find some “workable” solutions.
But maybe if you could solve just ONE of the problems. Either the job or the house issue, the rest would be a bit easier. Not easy, just easier. A little stress relief is better than none.
And I am sure that you also have medication or an inhailer or something that you do for your allergies and medical condition. Is there ANYTHING more your doctor can do for you?
3 big prioritys…Health, housing and job. Is there anything you can do to give yourself some relief? I know you have asked yourself this over and over again.
You and only you know what you can and can not deal with as far as your health. And your money situation.
I am going to be out of town tomorrow and want to wish you a Happy B-day early. Be REALLY gentle with yourself tomorrow. Give yourself that gift.
You know Sabrina, I had a recurring dream when I was little, 5 or 6 years old and I would generally have it when I was sick and running a high fever. (in those days frequent strep throat) and in the dream, which was I was in a prison, and the prison scene I thinnk was probably taken from a “picture Bible” of a partly subterranian thick walled made out of stone “dungeon” with bars across the windows.
The door was made out of planks upright with another plank at an angle from one top corner to the opposite corner of the bottom side. It had a “lift latch” like a barn door might have.
I was in this room and I knew that I was going to die, and that I was going outside to be executed. Inside the room was a largte over-stuffed rocker that was identical to the one my grandfather sat in (I was very close to him all throughout my life and I got unconditional love from him) and I hid behind it when I knew they were coming to get me. Funny thing was I somehow knew without actually seeing her that outside on the other side of the door they would open to come get me was my egg donor, and while she was sad I was going to be executed, she did nothing to save me or comfort me.
I had this same exact dream quite a few times and by the time I was 8 or 10 I never had it again, but you know just this MINUTE the sympbology of that dream hit me between the eyes like a BRICK! Even then I think I knew that my egg donor didn’t much like me, much less love me and felt that I deserved harsh punishment for SOMETHING I had done, and I strongly suspect it was because I was born a girl instead of a male child.
She was the girl in the family and though her brother was a MONSTER from a very young age, and her parents did love her, still—males were much more valued and there was nothing she could do, no matter how good she was, how hard she studied, nothing she could do to “make up” for being a woman. So when she had a child she hoped that she would be able to at least PRODUCE A MALE CHILD. Didn’t work out that way, so she took the two male children I had as her own.
Thank you for the kudos for my writing, Actually I did do 3 books that were published, 1 was a cook book, and two on local history here, but you know writing isn’t nearly as easy as reading. LOL I’m just a very loquatious and mouthy old woman for the most part, and very opinionated! Which I have been told by several posters here. But, frankly, I think any good I have to do as far as writing is concerned is probably more for blogging here on LF because publishing right now is getting to be problematic with the down turn in the economy, and while I actually have a friend who is a regional publisher here in Arkansas and would publish my books, I’d have to fund them like in the “vanity press” as her business has had a decided down turn as well. My other three books that she published had a limited but “good” success for the kind of books that had only regional interest at best. They actually made a few hundred dollars, but that worked out to probably 10 cents an hour for her time and mine! LOL
But thank you anyway for the vote of confidence on my writing. My purpose is to help others, but mainly to REINFORCE my own healing.
Yesterday I got an e mail from a VERY DEAR FRIEND who has also been highly abused by a psychopath, and was raised in a very very ABUSIVE family, and this person follows my posts on LF and anyway I had e mailed him about something else and he had been reading my posts on here and he sent me a very short, concise e mail and told me to PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH!
He is one of those people that I value his opinon because he doesn’t care if he pithes me off or not! He is going to speak the truth to me as he sees it and if I don’t like it, TOUGH! Most of the time he is RIGHT AS RAIN though, so I listen carefully to him.
I have this recurring tendency to want to “rescue” people, in the name of “helping” and sometimes I have to get a wake-up BOINK from my friends and my son D! But, I’m “doing better” which means once in a while I actually “catch myself” instead of having to have someone else hit me over the head with a cast iron skillet! LOL
I’m trying to live in such a way I can face God, but you know, I’m a difficult pupil and have had to have “remedial classes” several times on the same lesson! LOL
Witty, Sabrina and One-step, Looks like we are posting over each other here….
Witty I think your advice to One-step is GREAT and I think you should use it yourself because YOU TOO are between the DEVIL and the DEEP BLUE SEA, THE ROCK AND THE HARD SPOT. LOL No good or easy answer to your problem
I have wiggled temporarily out of those binding spots, but I know sooner or later I will be back in there on some other “problem” that comes up and I will try to remember your good advice! ((((Hugs))))) LOL
One Step At A Time,
I feel for you, knowing that the stress is tremendous, too much for you. When I am in panic mode, it is hard for me to get out of it. All I can say is, I hope that things get better for you. I remember telling my brother-in-law that I live day-to-day, if I make it to the end of a day, I’m doing good. My therapist recommended that I read Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s book, The Power of Positive Thinking, and when I do read it, it helps me to think that my life can improve, get better. I know that you have immediate needs. If anyone should win the lottery, I want it to be you. Like others have repeatedly said on this site, find ways to take care of yourself. I worry too much, making myself a mental basketcase, that’s why I deep breathe (when I remember to do so) and doing some mental imaging (closing your eyes, putting yourself in a peaceful, pleasant environment), essentially getting out of your head, to a different location for a while. I hope this helps.
OxDrover,
I too grew up in a dysfunctional family, no affection, and very little communication. My parents did the best that they could. I now suspect that my mother might be bi-polar, but not definite about this. She was a controlling woman who would yell, scream at my father, shaking him up (he ended up becoming an alcoholic), and once she blew up, she seemed to be fine, leaving the rest of us on edge. We walked on egg shells, always feeling tension in the house. In fact, she could be downright rude toward friends, acquaintances, family members, etc. and it didn’t seem to bother her, a lack of concern about other people’s feelings. Having grown up in such a household, I am somewhat hyper-alert to others’ feelings, not wanting others to experience the drama that she could bring our way. Come to think of it, I have never gotten away from drama – it’s always there and it’s ususally not pleasant. I am with Sabrina, having read many of your stories (detailing your life experiences), you have a book that could be written. People would wonder how in the world you made it through.
One step-Happy B-day! I sure pray that you find a way to enjoy your day with peace and happiness, and for heavens sake avoid those “moldy” folks, yikes! Just say no to Barnacle Bob and Mold n Mildew Mindy! Whats the old sayin about not letting moss grow under your feet? bahaha 🙂
Oxy, how I laughed when I heard that comment “practice whatcha preach”, nothing like a dear old friend to shake it up a bit! I like that you were able to figure out the dream, interesting.. Another funny thing, I dont think I ever told you, but when I first came on LF, all of your posts were unlike anything I had ever heard, and me being so raw, distrusting at the time- I was thinking- IS THIS CHICK FER REAL?? Is she making this up?? Hiarious!! BUT b/c you were so kind to me and the first to welcome me, I instantly liked you anyways- regardless of my outlandishly suspicious mind! And since you arent too high on writing another book, I guess folks,, youve gotten it here first,, the one and only exclusive- strait from the Oxdrovers mouth,BELEIVE IT OR NOT!
Dearest Onestep, I want you to know I washed the sandelwood oil off my neck before i wrote this post to you.. 🙂
This may not be helpfull, but I hope it is. You are getting ahead of yourself and imagining the worst in every situation. You are letting your own thoughts cause fear and discouragement. I hope I’m not discounting your fears, but I do this to myself, all the time…it’s called self-sabatoge.
On the other hand, You don’t owe anyone anything as far as your decision whether or not you take this job.
I believe you are strong enough to handle the battle-ax. Now it’s up to you to decide if it’s what you want to do.
Like Wit said, you are between a rock and a hard place, but if you focus on the negative you magnify your fears.
Maybe you are being blessed with an AFGE. ( Another @.......$#%$^& Growing Experience.)
At any rate, I’m sending white light. I do understand…I have an interview tomorrow , 🙂 for a job I probably won’t like, 🙁 but I’m saying all the same things to myself.
I don’t have your health problems, though. This is just my 2 cents, and I could be way off base.
Dear Sabriina,
“Is this chick for real?” LOL Yea, I’m FOR REAL! Jackass riding, skillet swinging old battle axe, but you know, I can “pass for” a lady if I have to! LOL I did it for years and most people never even suspected what lay behind that kind, caring and professional exterior! LOL ROTFLMAO
But actually, now that I am out from under the expectation of my egg donor that I have to present this “facade” to the world, I have “blossomed” into the REAL ME!
When I first started with the living history group, I decided to train a pair of oxen to pull a wagon for events, and since oxen are just really cattle trained to work, I had a lot of fun with it, but it wasn’t actually “dignified” like mummy-dearest wanted me to be, but gosh it was FUN! I developed my personna based on an ancestor of mine who as a widow came here in an ox wagon with her kids and settled in this communitynear her family. I figured she had to be a pretty gutsy woman to travel that far with nothing but poverty and some kids. She didn’t even show up as having enough to tax for years after she got here, and if you even owned one cow you got taxed on it! But in the 40 years after she arrived here a widow for the second time, the civil war and raising her grandkids whose parents perished in the war, she died with land and a little money left. Not bad for a woman alone!
Yea, after all those years, that dream makes sense now, I guess even as a kid I was emotionally smarter than I realized. And, you know, even a flat worm will learn to avoid something if you shock it with enough electricity enough times that it finally gets the idea. I realize now that I was “shocked” enough times I almost quit asking questions about the family dysfunction, and almost learned to accept it. Still hard to avoid those old habits and to get where I’m not so afraid of the “shocks” any more, but I’m working on it.
I guess first we have to realize we are doing something that as Kathy Hawk says “AIN’T WORKING FOR ME.” Once we realize it isn’t working, we have to figure out what it is that we are doing wrong—repeatedly! But since it somehow feels so “natural” or “normal” that may be difficult.
Yes, I am blessed with some great friends who are not the least bit afraid of my skillet or my gun! I cracked up son D the other day when he wanted to know where one of my pistols was, and I told him “It’s were it ALWAYS is, on my bed, under my Bible!” And actually I never thought about it being FUNNY, but that is where that particular pistol “lives.” It is always loaded with buckshot for up-close, in-house self defense at short range (it won’t shoot through a wall, but it will RUIN the day of anyone who takes even one shot from it with four rounds the size of a 9 mm slug). While it is a great self defense pistol for the home, the 6 inch barrel makes it unwieldy to carry unless you want to look “like Billy the Kid” which I don’t! LOL
kim – i love essential oils and cats and dogs and musty old barns…all things i can’t go near now. so weird.
no, you are not off base at all, and i feel the cord of connection around the work piece. and i wish you all the best luck tomorrow!
i just spent the last hour and a half talking to a friend (who knows the probably N, Holly) it sorted a few things. the fear in my mind is big. i get flooded with info sometimes – i realize i was picking up all kinds of stuff in the meeting yesterday…and i haven’t had enough time to process it.
i hadn’t thought of the too much in the head stuff as self sabotage. but i wouldn’t be surprised if it is.
thank you for your 2 cents worth. 😉
and best of luck tomorrow. it’s great just to have interviews and learn what that is like, and how to get comfortable doing them. hugs, one step
Dear Bluejay,
Yes, the never ending DRAMA!
That “blowing off” throwing a fit drama that your egg donor did apparently is some of that as well. They build up and build up “steam” until the boiler “blows up” and releases some of the tension for a while and they feel “better” after that blow up, but others learn to walk on egg shells because you are never sure just WHAT will push them over the edge and cause a blow up.
We do ANYTHING to keep froom percipitating a “blow up” from those we fear. It makes us take “responsibility” and blame for that blow up because WE (according to them) pushed them to where they had no choice but to blow up. They feel that they were ENTITLED to blow up because of all the: 1) things we did to irritate them 2) how unfair life is 3) they are not understood or cared for and so on to number 1000 “reasons.”
Once they “save up” enough “reasons” for the blow up, their resentment and so on is temporarily quiet.
Learning to express myself and my boundaries (because these people would usually BLOW UP if you did) was difficult for me.
I remember a couple of years ago I had some “friends” that pushed my boundaries so far the fabric tore (they would steal from me) and I actually caught the woman of the couple taking some stuff and I didn’t say anything at the time since I knew she had seen me when I caught her at it.
Later, I was about fed up with this, and yet still hadn’t said anything and I cried for days before I set boundaries for this woman. Still hoping to “salvage” the relationship with her and her husband. DUH!
It took another year and a half before I finally told these people to bugger off and don’t bother to contact either me or my son D. They had been family “friends” for 15 years, and since my son D was first in boy scouts here at the camp in Arkansas. It broke his heart that these people were users, liars and thieves. Just as it did mine. But that was my first real experience with setting a boundary. For standing up and saying flat out: I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.
It was so difficult to set those boundaries, because I had been trained from babyhood that WITH FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS you can’t do that. I had NO trouble standing up to someone who was not “close” to me, I could tell off and get results from just about any store manager. My husband used to say I had GREAT TACT, that I could “tell someone to go to hell and make them be HAPPY to be on their way.” Heck I used to teach classes in how to deal with difficult clients/customers and make everyone happy. Yet, when it came to my own life, I could NOT “practice what I preached.”
It takes time and practice to start to be more at ease with other people being unhappy with you. I always felt like I was a kid going to the principal’s office if I set a boundary. Not now. I’m getting much better at it. EVEN WHEN IT IS SOMEONE I LOVE.
Sure setting boundaries is risky behavior because we must be prepared for that relationship to end and be okay with that if they do not respect our boundaries.