Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
The Christian abuser—twisting God’s word to justify abuse
What about “Love your enemies?”
Ox Drover
Thanks APG, it isn’t that the Catholic church has a lock on pedophilia or perverts, it is that psychopaths and monsters hide behind “religion” and fake piety to work their EVIL. The very men who arranged for Christ’s crucification were “holy” FAKES who were angry that He was outing them. Typical of all of the psychopaths.
freemama
Oh man do I hate the use of religion to justify spath’s behavior and/or try to coerce you into “forgiveness”. After my ex left, he decided to join my Buddhist sect, which I had returned to after an absence of several years. It killed me to have leaders come up to me telling me how “sincere” he was. Of course, that only lasted a couple of months, but at our first child custody hearing he wrote in his deposition how “committed” he was to his “spiritual practice”, and in a recent e-mail used the language of my spirituality to try to weasel his way back into my life and demand my “compassion” towards him. (sorry for so many “”… it’s just such a cruel joke to me!) I asked around, and sure enough no one has seen him since he “joined” about a year ago. I want to call him on it to the court, but it would probably sound petty. It did, for a long time, cause me not to participate in any activities because I was 1) terrified to run into him, and 2) not able to deal with people asking where he was and how he was doing. “Don’t know – don’t care!” is not very “Buddhist”. Just another way he can terrorize me, I guess, though I’m the only one who can see it.
Ox Drover
Freemama,
I can so relate!!!–have great difficulty posting on a thread with this many comments–computer too slow.
Buttons
Freemama and OxD, this subject hits home for me, as well. Aside from using religion as a tool of control during the marriage, the ex spath was always going on about what a “good Christian” he was – taking the kids to a megachurch for a month qualifies? Using “Christian” doctrines to belittle the roles of women and their places and functions nearly broke my spirit to pieces.
This business about “turning the other cheek”has been so misconstrued and warped to serve mankind’s thirst for control that it just makes me sick. Taken literally, it would translate into accepting, tolerating, and appreciating abuse from others and allowing it to continue, again and again. What I’ve interpreted it to mean is to walk away without malice.
Since mankind began pointing at the skies and attempting to explain natural and paranormal events, “religion” has typically been developed around cultural needs. The greater the populations, the tighter and more severe the religious doctrines (to include human sacrifices, etc.). And, the “MY god is better than YOUR god” approach is how Crusades, Inquisitions, and Jiihad start.
As a result of my experiences, particularly during the past 2 years, I lost my faith and all but abandoned my personal system of beliefs. I am slowly reaching back out to the Great Creator’s hand with a better understanding of myself and my own frailties and strengths. To use religion as a weapon/tool of harm is, IMHO, the most heinous of all spath tactics.
silvermoon
Buttons, amazing how good it is to realize that all that stuff is utter BS.
Yepper. Its amazing.
freemama
I found an old journal entry paraphrasing an article about the ancient Buddhist concept of the “Devil King of the Sixth Heaven”. Can’t imagine why I would have written about that. Sound familiar?
___________________________
“He’s not a real devil with horns and a giant poker, but merely a function in our life which ultimately desires for all of us to stay in the muck. If Buddha is on one end of the stick, the devil king is on the other. The devil king keeps popping up in my reading because this is who I must face. Takejizaiten is his name, which translates into “heavenly being who makes free use of others”. He is a metaphor for the deep-seated human desire to control others. He must control everything and everybody, and he does so primarily through making people dependent on him. Unlike the biblical demon, this one works his manipulation through feigned affection. To lure people and keep them under his control, he must appear downright lovable. He disguises himself as a best friend, a Buddha, or even a parent. His sole purpose in life is to keep people from achieving enlightenment. Whenever anyone practices, of course the devil king will appear. The devil king does not want anyone to free themselves from their karmic chains because it is a painful reminder of his own powerlessness and dependency. The paradox of this devil king is that he is controlled by his desire to control. He is a ruler who cannot rule himself. He is perpetually driven by his inner weakness and insecurity, never feeling satisfied. He is a prisoner of a prison he himself creates.
Violence is in the same realm of this devil king. Violence is a deliberate wish for the destruction of life. It is the symptom of the weak and passive self who must validate its existence by destroying lives or things valued by others. And yet violent people are weak and downright passive. They cannot find the inner strength to confront their own weakness and insecurities, so they must destroy others so they can be empowered. Their power, however, is an illusion since it is over others, not from within. Violence is an easy escape from feeling powerless and isolated. You don’t have to deal with the responsibility and effort of creating a real change within yourself. It is easier to hurt someone else than to get real about looking at oneself. The sense of power derived from violent acts is short-lived and addictive. It can only be sustained through more destructiveness. Compelled by their inner sense of powerlessness, violent people continue to destroy, and when they find nothing more to destroy or find themselves prevented from destroying others, they destroy themselves. Violence is not necessarily a reaction to external objects, but rather a destructive drive arising from inner weakness simply looking for a convenient outlet.
This is different from self-defense. Violence derives itself from a will to harm, while self-defense arises out of a will to protect. When feeling violent, it is necessary to look inward at one’s true motive – whether it is to preserve life or to harm life. The specific article I read on this concept used September 11th as an example. The “terrorists” felt they were sacrificing themselves for a greater good – which was really the result of authoritarianism. The passengers who fought off the seriously deluded individuals who sought to destroy life were also physically aggressive, but out of a sincere determination to protect life.”
APG
.
OxDrover — you are so right about the “holy” FAKES and their
ability to exploit religion and a false piety to commit their evil
and how often they target truth-tellers and peace-makers (as
opposed to ‘peace-keepers’) for their many venomous attacks
(just like the Pharisees did with Christ when he exposed them).
FreeMama — your frustration is so very well-understood —
and what you stated reminds me of how often it seems that
nearly every prisoner that’s “up for parole” miraculously act
as if they “sincerely” “found religion” and how they feel that
their “finding of that religion” is why society should simply
“forgive” (by “reconciling” with) them — on “the violator’s
terms” (which is generally “freedom without penalty”) —
but, yet, this same “religious experience”, very strangely,
never holds them to any true level of ‘real accountability’
and it also just never seems to “inspire them” to feel
that they should have to “serve their time” or to work
to “make amends” to the people they have harmed.
It’s truly interesting — just how “convenient” a tool
that “religion” seems to be for some Sociopaths
— especially when it comes such topics as that
of “forgiveness”; “reconciliation”; “gender roles”;
“kinship obligations”; “fellowship of the saints” etc.
.
APG
HERE IS AN ESSAY DERIVED FROM A COLLECTION
OF STATEMENTS SOMEONE MADE IN REGARDS TO
THE ‘DIFFERENT RESPONSES’ MANY PEOPLE HAVE
TO ENCOUNTERING ‘DIFFICULT TIMES’ IN LIFE
AND ALSO FINDING ‘MEANING’ IN ‘SUFFERING’.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE WAX AND THE CLAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
“”” Hardened CLAY is brittle
and easily damaged.
If dropped, it can fracture
into a thousand pieces …
Dropped WAX, it only bends
from the pressure of the fall.
Impressionable and pliable,
it can quickly be remolded.
People are like that.
People who are hardened
in their resolve ” are brittle,
their emotions are easily damaged.
But those who bend
— to the will of God —
find perfect expression
in however God molds them.
The same sun that
’hardens’ the CLAY
— ’melts’ the WAX.
There is no change or
variation in the sun itself.
It’s just the way the CLAY
or [the] WAX responds.
Trials and sufferings will ’harden’ some
— just like [the] breakable CLAY —
baking in resentment and bitterness.
The same circumstances can ’melt’ others
— [just like the moldable WAX] —
teaching them endurance.
The trials have no value or
intrinsic meaning in themselves.
It’s THE WAY WE RESPOND to those trials
— that MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. “””
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preceding essay is taken from
a collection of statements that are
most often credited to disability
rights advocate ‘Joni Erickson Tada’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
carla
I was brainwashed into thinking that God put me with my husband to help change him to be a living witness to him as he destroyed every facet of my life. I was an “instrument” of the holy spirit. It was more important to be the right person instead of being with the right person. I endured the pain of the lies and secret life a sociopath husband for almost 20 years. Reconciliatoin and forgiveness are two different things. A SP cannot rconciliate. You can forgive their wrongs within your own heart but rconciliation is a 2 way street. He was only sorry for getting caught, not sorry for the hurtful behavior. Really more annoyed for getting caught than sorry. Callous. I’d say most religions have a creator or higher power that wants us to experience joy, not pain and exploiation. The bible doesn’t teach us to be pushovers. Even Jesus drew the line.
APG
Here are links to a few very interesting article on the why
many experts now feel that it is healthier and wiser to
make sure that ‘Repentance’ precedes ‘Forgiveness’:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/19840923/On-Forgiveness-of-Sin#fullscreen:on
http://books.google.com/books?id=DeaEdNSSIYoC&printsec=frontcover&dq=sharon+lamb+before+forgiving&hl=en&ei=obQqTPzJHtL-nAfUzuHVDg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
http://books.google.com/books?id=C_Yg5V6kTFQC&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+trouble+with+blame&hl=en&ei=oLMqTKzVEKPonQfEnKCSAQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
Related Link:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/24/letters-to-lovefraud-spiritual-encouragement-for-survivors/#comment-78654
Always remember —
The process of ‘Forgiveness’ and the act
of ‘Reconciliation’ are NOT the same thing.
The act of ‘Reconciliation’ is NOT a “required”
part of or step in the process of ‘Forgiveness’.
The ‘offer’ of ‘Forgiveness’ is a “gift” that the
wrongdoer is able to ‘accept’ only AFTER they
have truly ‘repented’^^ of their wrongdoing
(^^ confess/admit to, turn away from/stop doing,
and make amends for their wrongdoing; sincerely
make efforts to adequately prove to the target of
their abuse/exploitation that they are contrite;
empathetically understand/accept the initial
reaction the target has toward them as being
justified response to their wrongdoing; etc.)