Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
witty – man, i am dead impressed with your clarity!
you know what he is doing, even though there was a hiccup with trying to treat him as if ‘he’ is a reasonable adult also.
wits – really, i am so impressed. wow. 🙂
so, what’s the status now?
hang in there, you are doing it!
witsend:
I can tell you exactly why your son is coming around.
First, as most everyone on this site will attest, a bell seems to go off in the head of a sociopath around month 3 and the mask slips. Your son has been with his host family for 3-4 months. I can guaranty that he has shown his true colors and he has worn out his welcome.
Second, why is he coming around? Because he wants something. Fact number two which most everyone on this site can swear to is that a sociopath will come back when he is out of other sources of supply and he thinks he can get some from a source that he had run dry.
Third, the pity play. The whole “I”m gonna have to sleep on a park bench.” Lord, I could practically hear the organ chord just like in the old soap operas.
Fourth, why has he come around twice in a week? Because he is trying different tactics on you to see which one works on you so that he can get what he wants — food, gas, shelter, dinero, etc. At the end of my relationship with S-ex, he suddenly got very attentive. Why? Because he wanted 10 grand out of me. He knew that in the past tossing a few crumbs my way would keep me happy. But, that didn’t work this time because I had decided I was going to end this. So, he tried other tactics – I”ll give you my jewelry for collateral for the loan; if you don’t give me the money I’m going to be locked out and evicted; my landlord won’t take a check from my boss for 10 grand; maybe you’re right — maybe it is time we moved in together.” He tried them all. He just hadn’t counted on one thing — that I had decided that I wasn’t going to take anymore.
The thing you’ve got to remember is that he thinks what you want is a relationship with him. What he wants is the food, gas and lodging. So, after 4 months of not seeing you, he suddenly starts showing up and thinks that this will soften you up. View these visits as a siren’s song. Remember what happened to those sailors who followed the siren’s song? Their boats crashed on the rocks and they sank. Don’t sink.
Fifth, the word salad. Classic sociopath. When all else fails dazzle ’em with bullshit. Don’t even try to analyze what he said. It’s all crap. Don’t listen. It will keep you sane.
Sixth, I can guaranty that he hasn’t had a fight with his “friend” — yet. He’ll keep that scam running as long as he can get something out of the relationship. But, he’s lining up his next source of supply — you.
It’s all classic sociopath, witsend. Don’t even open your door to him.
wits… dear wits, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Witsend,
Matt sounds so right on! I don’t know if you’ve figured out how to do this yet, but I’m still calling on all angels for you — et al!
I haven’t been reading as much as I was but did read some after work and just tuned in again.
One Step,
I have had a couple of severely handicapped peeps dealing with environmental allergies. Good book – you may know it – “Prescription for Nutrional Healing” – I really believe in the merits of “Eat Right for Your Blood Type” book too – if you can get into a natural store that has Oil of Oregano or Hyssop for sniffing – check it out and see how it makes you feel when you do – I understand money is tight – believe me I understand! – but I feel for you and if one of them gives you relief I will pay it forward and send you a small bottle gratis – one of my customers had an Md for a dad and he screwed her system up totally – another had a breast implant that went awry in her teens and made her so totally incapacitated when in contact with all you say you are…I myself can’t deal with mold and chemically generated scents…I think being healthy has a lot of impact on how we handle our trials…I hope you don’t think i trivialtize what you are experiencing….I just hurt with you and offer what I feel compelled to….let me know..my offer is true!
Funny, how I talked about getting a headache when I read posts here…the last couple of times I have my one hand goes numb…haffta keep shaking it out…like pins and needles…I’m OK!
Kim, why did you have to wash the sandle wood off?? I was discouraged from stringing my guitar – cuz I only have 5 strings and couldn’t find my tuner.hmmm…how goes the knitting??Good luck on your interview!
EB? I have terrible dreams and memories of things my XH did or more importantly DIDNT DO with my kids. Abuse comes in many forms as you all know. Your post about the 6 oz concerned me. it’s hard to believe a kid comes home in boxers and then ralphs all night on 6 oz of vodka….you know best….just like reading all those parenting magazines and wondering how will I ever do it….stay close and do what resonates with you….that is the best you can do….AND I believe you have the best to give!!!
Oxy–honourary HELLO!! You are the best!!
All the best and peace to ALL OF YOU HERE!
Wits:
He came back with the bomb and it had already been shot….it’s going togo off tonight and I have to come home…i’ll be sleeping on a park bench…..
Well….sleep tight my love…..need a pillow?
This was a tactic of the s…..immediate drama that everyone MUST respond to NOW….emergency mode….NOW….act….NOW…..YOU ALL….not him….
Here’s the reality as I see it…..let’s just assume (go with me here) that the fight situation is ‘real’…..
Okay….well….in life, we don’t always get along with others….BUT….fighting isn’t any way to deal…..we must learn self control…..HIS CALL!
He also obviously has no respect for this boy (his friend) or his family and won’t do ‘whatever it takes’ to remain in their home…for HIS own ‘reasons’……
Yes…entitlement.
I think it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for them to duke it out….and let the parents ‘see’ who your son really is….if they haven’t already…..then THEY CAN CALL THE COPS!!!
They have put THEIR family in danger….at their own will…….
THEY CAN DEAL WITH IT.
Also…..I doubt this fight situation is really the ‘truth’…….it’s a pity ploy…..because, if a parent took a child in…..and didn’t want him there…..I WOULD BE CALLING YOU DIRECTLY……to make sure I sent him home, tell you why and why we couldn’t deal with him….and make sure (since hes a minor formerly under my care) that he makes it home….and when can we bring him home with all his stuff…..
This is what an adult would do….
He’s playing you against the parents/family…..I bet he’d tell them that his mother WANTS him home and he should go to please her……(you know how crazy my mom can be).
I think you did good. Surprised or not….you held your ground.
He must learn….one way or another….LIFE doesn’t revolve around HIM…..whether it’s now….or later.
HE doesn’t have any control over your decisions.
I think it would be perfect if another party called the police on him…..whether it’s sleeping on a public park bench or assault to his friend…..
Keep your strength wits……you CAN do it!!!!
XXOO
EB
I swear you guys I do NOT know how I ever managed to live with this under my roof without going insane.
We went round and round for about an hour and a half and I am mentally and physically exhausted. He drained me.
Its like he chewed me up and spit me out.
Matt he didn’t even really try to soften me up. Other than having his “story” about the fight between him and his friend. When he saw I wasn’t buying into that as a reason to come back here he went straight for the jugular.
And it was all about attacking me and what a terrible mother I am. If he thinks that is “softening me up” he is way off. He threw a couple of guilt trips in there, but he’s loosing his touch. He can be alot better at manipulation than what he showed today.
Is it him or is it me? Is he loosing his touch or am I different because of not being with him 24/7?
conomo – kim was joking with me – making sure her typing was ‘safe’ for the allergic one.
i have actually been thinking about oil of oregano. i had a really bad flu that woulnd’t let go, and thought it might help.
I know both these books (and modalites). I have tried lots and lots and will continue to – mostly i need a safe place to live. this apt is toxic. and that will take some time and money.
witty – it’s probably both AND, YOU GOT THE MOVES NOW! YOU AWESOME WOMAN.
you might be a bad mom to him, but damn you are a nurturing soul to me, and i can’t tell you how much that means to me.
is he gone now?
what’s the next step? – beside really needing to rest and relax after that ordeal.
Conomo:
Thanks for your words….
He was a ‘virgin’ drinker…..and I also think he had no way of keeping track after awhile…..
He said he passed out and woke up on the concrete trying to get outside to let it out….didn’t make it….
He doesn’t remember what time he went to sleep….or much else throughout the night….
He also did the shots in a short period and he does remember saying no more. (thank god)….and I’m not sure what he considers a shot….if they had a shot glass or just swigged out of the bottle or another glass???? I have no idea.
The boxer situation was….he threw up on himself in the car on the way home, the next day….so he stripped down when he got into the garage and put his clothes in the wash…
The visual I have of when I say him….I was cooking breakfast……nice smelly bacon and french toast…..the smells nauseated him somehting fierce….but when I stuck my head out to greet him and him standing there in his boxers was a pathetic sight! At that point…..I knew to ‘ask the next question’.
Tonight, we went out to eat….a buffet at a casino….something I can afford to feed the teens!….as we were standing in line waiting to be seated….I saw a waiter walk by with a load of sodas….and I remembered last time we were there, the kids had rootbeer floats…..cuz the drinks are included in price….(whenever we go anywhere else I make the get water…cuz I can’t stomach paying 3.00 for a soda)…..so I loooked at the kids and I asked them……What are you drinking tonight?
He looked at me and said…..that’s not funny!
I had no idea what he was saying…..and then it dawned on my……and I said….no not you….I know your having a SHOT!
He seriously looked at me and said….Mom….I really let myself down…..and I’m disappointed in my actions last weekend…..you know how I feel and I’m not going to drink, I don’t like it, I didn’t like the feeling and I didn’t even like the taste…..
We were in town for a dental apt….Jr’s got to have the wisdom teeth out…..the surgeon says to him…..you’ll come in, we’ll give you laughing gas, it’ll make you feel like your drunk, then we’ll give you the anesthesia, you’ll be out and you’ll leave 2 hours later….you might feel a bit hung over for awhile…..
I’m hearing the Dr tell him this and I blurt out laughing….
HE didn’t think it was funny…..he said…..I’m not so sure I want to have this surgery…..if I’m gonna feel hungover again….I said, the laughing gas is a mellower…….it’s not a big deal……
he responds….I don’t want to be out of control of my faculties….
I said…..good point….but this time….you got no choice kiddo!
Go with it!
Thank you for your well wishes….
One Step,
Well I am going to be gone for two days, doing a show. So his timing was not the best. Or maybe it was? I knew I had to go do this show and there was no way he was going to wiggle in here, when I had to go away….
The bottom line was that stupid URGENCY he tried to get me to buy into. As I felt him ZAP the damn energy right out of my “being” with the circular conversation going nowhere…I kept my focus on only one thing.
This was NOT the urgent situation he was making it out to be.
This was not him and all his stuff abruptly dumped onto my front porch by the family he lives with. (my biggest fear)
This was not the police bringing him here because he TOLD them he was homeless on the street and they found him. (another fear)
This was bullshit….I swear, I kept repeating that in my head.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
That is what got me through it. Knowing it was just another fabrication in his head.