Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we’ve heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation.
A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful.
For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the supporters-of-sociopaths ”¨(within their very own family or spiritual setting or, as is very ”¨often the case, both) the following links may be of some ”¨help in discovering and receiving Biblical “support” in ”¨being able to acknowledge the God-given FACT that ”¨”tolerating a sociopath’s abuse” is very simply ”¦
1) NOT part of a Christians’ “bearing one’s cross”;
2) NOT something that a Christian MUST simply ”¨”just forgive and forget” in order to have God ”¨also “forgive and forget” their own wrongs;
3) NOT merely a part of a Christians’ spiritual ”¨OBLIGATION to “turn their other cheek” (70 x 7)
4) NOT a part of “loving or ‘blessing’ one’s enemies”;
5) NOT something that in anyway “glorifies” or “honors” God, ”¨nor is it in anyway a type of “obedience” to the commandments ”¨left by God to all of mankind, nor does it follow along the ”¨lines of the “will” that God has planned for one’s life.
God has a GOOD will and plan for everyone’s life and God both can and will help people to escape, overcome, heal and even, somehow, also ”¨be able to learn from the abusive experiences that you have survived.
GOD HAS THE POWER AND THE WILL to, somehow or another, use ”¨these past experiences to “transform” a person (despite all the abuse) ”¨into becoming the very best person that they can become (to themselves”¨ and to others) and can actually somehow miraculously also use these ”¨experiences to work out all together for the GOOD within their own ”¨life (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah29:11; 3 John 1:2) and in the lives of others.
Should I offer forgiveness without repentance?
Should forgiveness be unconditional?
No forgiveness for the unrepentant
Selective Amnesia: “I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Forgiveness—does it matter if the abuser is a born-again Christian?
Witty, GOOD FOR YOUgirl! Dont let him come back! Stand firm! You must realise that he has burned all his boats, he refuses to behave like a nice normal kid{is there such a thing?} If you weaken and let him back in, youll NEVER get rid of him!
I just did a time line on my daughter, when she was at her worst , between the ages of 16 and 20. She ran away from home at sixteen,.My ex a nd I took her back.
Year, 1980, daughter,16, ran away from home, said she was homeless. Came back.six months later.
Drinking, abusive language..
I was beaten up by her and my ex.still1980 .
I went back to him after 3 weeks with a friend.
1981,my studio destroyed, violence threatened by her, steam iron thrown at my head.Ex husband drinking and gambling by now.
1982, my home and s tudio destroyed{again.} I move out, xmas, 1982,i rent small flat.
1983,Spath daughter persuades me to let her stay in my tiny flat for 3 weeks while I go fruit picking to earn some cash.
Come back to find flat in a filthy state, cat nearly dead from hunger, goldfish dead.Rotten food left on kitchen bench, 2 new T shirts of mine, cut up into strips on the floor, sand in my bed, filthy sheets.
1984, by now Imremarried, back from honeymoon, D rings us up, says shes homeless. Lives with us a few months. nearly breaks up our marriage.Steals cash and alcohol. We find her a nice bedsit, 5 minutes walk from our unit. We pay first 3 months rent, plus bond.
Mid 1984, call from landlady of her bedsit, shes done a runner again, left flat in filthy state, 3 weeks rent owing. We pay it, and clean up flat, throw out rotten food, take back furniture we gave her.
So, basically, from 1980, to 1984, she left a trail of mayhem, destruction, violence, filth,no respect, me in despair, on and on it went.
if Id refused to take her back when she was 16, what then?
But id have been spared my home being destroyed, myself beaten up,my life in shreds.
I kept hoping shed change, she wil lbe 46 in 2 months, aint happened yet. No remorse, no apologies, no nothing.
The police were basically useless,they actually told me they couldnt help me unless she was
a} a drug addict,,
b} a prostitute,
or c} insane enough to be sectioned.
They would even help me look for her in 1980, and I was going crazy with worry.
They wouldnt even arrest the boys who destroyed my home, as she had invited them in,{when my ex and I went away for a few days to try to patch up out marriage.}
DONT take him back, Id rather go to jail !
You must realise he is now your ENEMY, and he is quite capable of a] killing you, or b} destroying your home, or BOTH.
They have NO consciense, no remorse, its al l about them. They feel entitled beings.
Witty darling, Im praying you wont weaken and take him back in!Love, MamaGem.XX
That should read,”the police wouldnt even help me look for her, in 1980.
Love, Gem.XX
Hi gemini
I really like your idea about creating a timeline. Sometimes when I retell my story there are so many trivial ugly details that I lose my train of thought and forget the point I was getting at in the first place. Amazingly, with my spath, the major incidents are burned into my brain with a branding iron, dates, times, places, etc. So I think the timeline idea is great because its a good way to get it all out in an organized way. Then if you need to pick it apart from there you can.
Also, reaading some of the comments earlier, it is so true, they are so predictable. I was convinced that I would never hear from my spath again after I moved out but sure as sh%t like clockwork…. Now we do have a son together, but he has walked away from him more times than I can count over the past two years, and when it comes to building a relationshit with his “new woman”, usually our son has been a hindrance and he would stay away. But this time, I think because I tried going NC, he realized I wasn’t going to call him crying and asking what “I did wrong.” So, of course, he’s using a fake interest in our son to try to make contact. Its so predictable. Its extra hurtful this time though, because he is not trying to feed me a line of bs to get me back like he has done in the past because I actually packed everything and moved out… in a matter of two days. He has severe trauma from his childhood and an intense fear of abandonment. I cant believe how much Ive learned from my own research and from all of you. So since I was the one who left this time, he turned EVIL like I never thought he was capable of. But like I said, he also cant stay away like I thought he would. The hurtful part is that he is using the new gf (or his future wife as he puts it) to make me crazy. Making sure that I know he is in love and is happy, blah, blah. And its only been 7 weeks since I left! But knowing him, the honeymoon is already wearning off and he is bored and looking for something to entertain him. I have tried my best with NC, but as you know it is hard with a child. We haven’t even gotten to the point of going to court yet. I keep thinking if I just leave it alone he will leave us alone. I would rather forgo the child support than have him in my son’s life. Thanks for letting me rant. Again, it is so nice to have found this place where I know people understand and actually listen.
WakingUp,
What he is telling you is a lie – he is not in love with anyone (eg. the new girlfriend), nor is he happy. It is difficult when you have children with such a person. Please keep your contact with him limited. There are better days ahead – give yourself time to recover from his damaging, destructive ways. He’s playing games, sounding like he’s restless, doing crazy things to keep himself entertained. If you want mental stability, keep your ex as much at a distance as possible.
The “time line” is messed up in my head, and it was only when i started getting the letters and other documents together and put them in order by date that I started to see the time line clearly, and actually wrote down a list of each event and the “evidence” or documents applying to it. It actually made more sense to me that way.
Since much of the time was spent in mental chaos (me) I didn’t really have a firm grasp of the times and how they all meshed together. Now I do.
Yes, Henry, he is “so young” but that does not mean he is not a full fledged psychopath either. They reach a point I ithink that they are “done for” as far as “help” reaching them or any change in direction.
I’m glad that Witty stood stroong, and I think she is getting stronger since he has been away. I know she h as feared the other “shoe” dropping every minute but being away from them is so great and allows us to REGATHER STRENGTH to keep up the fight.
Matt, your analysis is RIGHT ON—he is trying to secure supply. I almost laughed that first year when the egg donor wasn’t writing to the P son and he was sending these contact letters, and they would one day be angry, the next pleading, etc. etc. every PLOY he could think of the try to get supply (*money) again. Of course he eventually won her over and she started sending money again.
I think Witty is starting to get strong, and he is starting to get desperate as a result. He will go from threatening to more pity I think, but I don’t think from her reports of him that he has SENSE ENOUGH to try to even appear to want to mend things, I think he will keep turning up the FEAR heat if what he is doing doesn’t work. But, since he is looking for a roof, I doubt the will burn the house so she has I think at least for NOW that edge. Once he sees for SURE he isn’t going to get back in, it may be another story entirely….then it may be to the ” If I can’t have a roof over my head you can’t either!”
oxy – one of the things i have read about PTSD is that it makes it hard to store and recall memories. and that one of the things to do in healing from PTSD is to create time-lines, to write it all down.
this makes a great deal of sense to me. it cuts away at the airy ephemeral veil in our minds about the spaths, what they have done, the patterns that exists, and tethers everything to markers in our lives. ie ‘he fake died’ sept. 12, and at the same time i was working on the software report, which i had a really hard time completing, and the impact compounded when i had to deal with the difficult board member, because i was so distraught by the lie created by the liar. I think this creates a more accurate map of all the crap they have done and what it has COST US, and if we are dealing with the courts, then it gives us credibility to be able to recite dates and times and not speak out of the confusion those F**kers create.
as you have attested, going through the letters and evidence you have has been emotionally painful and triggering – but ultimately it has helped a great deal. it has been grounding and has prepared you for the next step in the battle with keeping jr. incarcerated, and keeping others safe. protectoress.
i am going to give myself a gift this weekend. some time to work on this stuff about the spath. do some things that help to move her out of my life on a deeper level.
best,
one step
witsend:
After I posted last night, I realized I had over looked two key things when I posted. Erin Brock, I believe, hit on both of them. First, is your son’s sense of urgency — you have to let me move in TONIGHT. If I can’t move in TONIGHT I will be sleeping on a park bench. (We’ll give your son bonus points for managing to combine the pity play and sense of urgency so well). You resisted. Point for witsend.
The second is a tactical move. Use his hosts as your unwitting allies. Let the situation between your son and them reach a boil. Let THEM call the cops. Then when you are called in you can handle things the way I advised — tell the judge or cops or whomever (a) I’m sorry, but he is not moving back into my house because (b) I am afraid of him. And then when you’re before the judge you can present all your evidence.
Dear One-step,
I didn’t see it at the time, but I do now. There is an article here on LF somewhere in the archives that “if you are feeling pain, you still have some processing to do” and I do think that is SO TRUE.
I have so much “experience” in tamping down emotions so I don’t feel them that I sometimes second guess myself and think I am “done processing” something when in FACT, I have just tamped it down deep where I don’t ACTIVELY FEEL IT.
I think INTELLECTUALLY I was “with it” but EMOTIONALLY I was still suppressing the pain, and gosh was it DIFFICULT to FEEL and unfortunately we must FEEL IT, go THROUGH it to get “over it” and go on. There is no way AROUND it, over it, or under it, it is definnitely YOU MUST GO THROUGH IT.
Going through those letters going back to 1989 when he was first put in prison for robbery, and reading those FAKE “repentence” letters that were so OBVIOUSLY FAKE, DUH! Then the nasty angry letters about him moving in with his cousin (boy she makes me look like a PIKER as an enabler!) anyway, we had gone to a lot of trouble to see that he could transfer back to our home in AR and it became apparent that he NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION OF COMING BACK HERE, in fact, he was out a week or so before we even knew it!
By going through the letters that went back so far, and putting them in a time line, showed me the RED FLAGS that I had trivalized, denied or IGNORED—-sure, it HURT to admit that I had done that—-been so STOOOOOPID! But at the same time, admitting that I had SEEN the red flags and I CHOSE to ignore them and keep on with the pretending—
I know I did not have 100% of the letters, I remember some he wrote me that HOOKED ME BACK IN that I must have thrown out. I remember that I had been NC with him for some tiime (and NOT sending money during that time) and he wrote me this pity-anger letter about how I had ABANDONED him and waht a piece of chit I was for doing that to my own son!
I remember that letter (actually a couple of them) but didn’t find them in among the ones I had kept. Over all though,, there was literally a FOOTLOCKER full of letters. I did get the over all time line though, and saw so many of the red flags. ACCEPTED my responsibility for MY CHOICES, so while HE “did it,” I LET HIM.
It’s not hard to “figure out why” he DID IT—without some one on the outside to send a prisoner money, they are SOL inside as far as any comforts. There is no AC in the place and in Texas it is just a little bit cooler than Hell itself, so the money to buy a fan, and a radio, and so on is important to basic comfort.
He even conned me into sending money (not much but about $30 a month) to his buddy who had “no family” and then later, in the letters to the Trojan Horse Psychopath he was trying to get the TH-P to get me to finance some things he wanted that I thought (and was right about) that were illegal, and he told the TH-P to get that other “friend” to tell me they were not illegal. So I realized that this “friend” of his was another Trojan Horse and my son had me feeling badly for this man without family. Man-o-man, was I a SUCKER!!!!
But you know, I figure it this way, I was only out a few bucks trying to do something kind for someone, and it was all a scam, but I would rather be the SCAMMED than the SCAMMER.
They take advantage of our “good intentions” and you know what the road to Hell is PAVED WITH….and we sure got a down hill slide to Hell for our trouble, but again, I’d rather be the victim than the abuser. Now, though, I know I don’t have to be EITHER THE VICTIM OR THE ABUSER.
I can stand up like a human being, and do what is RIGHT! Do what I NEED TO DO to keep myself as safe as possible.
In my case, keeping “junior” in the joint is my purpose in life right now, at least one of them. Our need for the “reward” of feeling good about doing good for someone is the thing that got us sucked in. Now, I am going to be “good to myself first.”
The story in the Bible about the Good Samaritan is an example for us about helping others, and the Samaritans were looked down upon by the Jewish people (although they were also Jewish) as being “white trash” because they did not worship at the Temple. Yet, the “better people” walked by the injured man without compassion and did nothing for him, whereas the Samaritan helped the man who had been injured by robbers, and then got him a “motel room” and asked the “motel owner” to take care of him and he would repay what the owner was out when he came back through.
The Samaritan didn’t take the injured man to raise and didn’t enable him, but he did offer and give ASSISTANCE to the man from a compassionate heart for the immediate need for medical care and a place to stay until he healed.
I think the things we do for others are good things, but at the same time, we can only do so much, and we can give without expecting a “return” on what we give, just give assistance not expecting “appreciation” or anything else, but that doesn’t mean we need to feel responsible for taking care of the entire needs of this person when they are responsible for themselves. We are only responsible for others to the extent that we can help them when they are powerless to help themselves.
Captain John Smith in Jamestown had the right idea, “No work, no eat” and he refused to ENABLE the “gentry” who thought they didn’t have to soil their hands with labor in order to eat and expected the “servants” to feed them.
I am sorry my P-son chose to go to prison, but it was HIS choice and he is getting the consequences of HIS behavior and they are not pleasant….but it isn’t my responsibility to make it nicer for him. If I thought there was any chance at all that he would change, might be a different story, but due to the fact he is PROUD of his crimes, he’s on his own as far as I am concerned.
Matt, witty is gone this weekend to an antique show, but she will be back after the weekend, and I thinkk this is GREAT advice! Really the only choice she has.
Oh, BTW, how is the new job coming? Hope all is well!
Im curious as I read so many posts about children who are s & p’s…. I worry about my two year old son with my ex spath, but the ex also has an 11 year old son who shows extreme signs of spath. He is severely bahaviorally adhd and has been expelled from not one but two elementary schools. He can attend a co-op but must be closely monitored and he even had to spend two weeks on the psych floor at the local hospital at the beginning of the school year. At first I didn’t consider a relationship between father and son’s behavior. Of course my ex blames all of the 11 year old’s behavior problems on the child’s mother, which I bought into until I met the mother. This was also before I realized that my ex is a s-path himself. Realizing all of this in the recent past has made me worried for the future of my own son. Can anyone offer any insight as to how genetic sociopathy is and what are the chances that my son may be at higher risk in the future? I am doing my best to keep this man completely out of my son’s life because I have seen the effects he has had on his other children, not to mention everyone else in his life.