Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following article from the reader in Australia who posts as “Dani S.”
I recently had the unfortunate experience of coming across another personality disorder, this time on Facebook. I love Facebook, as growing up in a small country town and moving to the city, Facebook has been a great place for me to reconnect with old school friends and to chat with them online.
I have always been very careful never to add friend request unless I know the person personally, so I thought that I was safe! Wrong!
I joined a group called “Dead Beat Dads.” The group had over 300 members, ranging from mothers, stepfathers and children of fathers that have experienced or are experiencing the frustration of fathers abandoning their financial and emotional responsibility to their children.
Antagonist
I initially enjoyed the connection and the chats between members, but it was not long before a guy came into the group who antagonised the members. If a member posted something, he would pounce back. “Well you shouldn’t have deliberately got yourself pregnant. It is your fault and to then ask for him to pay is disgusting.” Frequently he told members they were liars.
He put up post after post, sometimes 20 a day. He loved posting statistics of suicide rates of children who live without a father and made the comment frequently that “False claims of abuse is abuse,”
He completely dominated any comment made by any members, and members found his tone and comments very offensive. He claimed that he had no children and lived with his wife of 10 years who had kids to another man. He said he was happy his wife never asked for money from her ex, and said that the ex saw the kids all the time.
Aliases
I watch his posts for a while and noticed that his story varied, if not changed completely. He said to members that we needed to show him DNA proof before we could call anyone a Dead Beat!
He seemed to spend 24 hours a day watching and posting on this group, and it didn’t take me too long to realise this person had some real issues. When he made a comment, his “men’s group” would quickly jump to his defence.
I did a bit of research on the members of his men’s group and realised that all eight of their Facebook profiles had no information, two had the same picture as one another, and six of them had no friends at all.
I suggested to him that I believed his “men’s group” was a group of made up people with only him as the member. I said, “It is funny, when you post something, minutes later all these men fly to your defence and six of them have not obtained one friend but go straight to the Dead Beat Dads site.”
Stalking
He was furious with my comments, called me a liar and said I should learn to close my legs and I should be responsible for my child on my own, or I should let the father see the child. I told him my child’s father abandoned her and stated he never wanted to see her again. The guy said, “Well if you weren’t such a C#*T, he would have wanted to see the child.”
Then it all started! Some of friends off my Facebook friends list got emails from him saying I was a prostitute and fathers have rights and I should go to jail. He emailed my partner six times from four of his aliases, saying I am a prostitute, he had me last night when I was working down the road, and she said she is leaving you for me because you have a small penis. Another said, “I bet you can taste me in her!” I One that made us laugh said, “She is leaving you for me and taking your Camero and Trans Am.” Being Australian, we don’t even have those cars here. The worst was he emailed my daughter and said your mum is a whore and you need to go to the police to inform them.
I now know that I was not protecting myself well enough on Facebook, as everyone on the outside world could see who I was in a relationship with, and the link to my children. I also had my place of work on there, and when I looked at his profile, he had my place of work listed in his likes and interests.
Even though this person claimed to be in Canada and I am in Australia, I was a little unnerved about the situation. But I was angry that, because he didn’t like my comment, he decided that to silence me, he would, stalk, harass and slander me. He also said on the group that he would copy my picture and start a profile of me and write stupid comments on the group. I said, “Well that will look funny, me arguing with myself, and you have just written what you are going to do.”
Confrontation
I got back onto the Dead Beat Dads site and posted to the guy, “Why do you have my place of work listed on your profile? And why have you stalked me, emailed my friends and family? I believe you have a personality disorder.”
He said I was lying and another member said to the guy, “I have just looked at your profile and her place of work is there, so it is obvious there is only one liar amongst us.”
After that post, four women from the site emailed me, saying the same thing had happened to them. The group’s admin contacted me also. I decided to not fear this person, and to backspath him, as EB would say.
I posted next, “It does not take a psychology degree to realise this guy has a serious personality disorder. His obsession with this site is beyond normal, and stalking members is just plain psychopathic! I believe you have lost your children due to abuse, as you keep quoting, ”˜False claims of abuse is abuse.’
“You get angry at women that move interstate, and you claim to know family and criminal law. I believe what you know about family law is what you have learnt trying to see your kids. If you had studied law for 15 years as you claim, you would have a career in law, not as a self-employed MC. You talk to us women on here like you are talking to your ex, and I believe you stalk members because in your mind, you are stalking your ex, as you have lost control of your children and your ex, and they probably have to move interstate all the time to be safe from you! You say you know about criminal law and stalking laws. Is that because you have been in so much trouble for your behaviour?
Another member jumped in, saying she believed he was an absolute Spath when he said that (we) need to show (you) DNA testing and that is very egocentric and grandiose! The group member thanked me for standing up for myself and the other members as he had been a disturbing menace for a couple of months.
Lock down
Then the next day when I went on to look at the group it was gone! He said it was his and his men’s group job to shut down every Dead Beat Dads group on the Internet.
Strangely now, I saw him, I heard him and I knew him. I knew the language, I knew the threats and I knew the bullying! I saw the red flag almost immediately. But this time I didn’t cower. I may have been wrong making such a big statement to him, but I will never be controlled by anyone ever again, or have anyone try to put fear into me again. I just hope I have heard the last of him.
I have now locked down my Facebook profile so no information is visible for the world to see. I also now will not up my photo on my profile, as he made me realise how easy it is to steal identities. I maybe still a little naïve, but I am getting there!
The group leader’s Facebook profile is no longer available and the group is gone. I just pray she didn’t also fall victim to this harassment and cyberbullying as well. He laughed that he was untouchable.
Dani S
I’ve been following this thread from lovely Canada.
Bulletproof – really happy that you’re into ‘psychic cord cutting too’
EB so much admiration for the way you get your tactics organised and ‘fight the good fight’ – brilliant news about your tax thing.
Wini – even though I’m not a Christian – you have made me feel as though your God is on my side too! No small feat as my father’s schizophrenia manifested in being quite abusive about religion, my mother too. I have felt less ‘anti-christian’ since coming on LF and more tolerant of the the christian faith and other faiths in general.
Gems & Dani S – great topic and real support and laughs here on this thread for me.
Erin 19752 – I’m still checking out what happens with Spath’s wife – gotta luv ya for focusing on getting your police training. Yay another person ‘in the job’ who ‘gets it.
One-Step & RavenlessTower – still trying to catch up and ‘get to know your stories a little’
Oxy – always the more I learn the more I respect you. Foster carer too! You have such valuable life experiences.
Lovely people – I’m going to try and ‘see a moose’ or other such touristy stuff. I’m loving Canada b-t-w. I choose to come here on a whim after watching ‘Trailer Park Boys’ – loved the show and thought – why not?
Bright Blessings
Delta 1
Delta1, I believe we are ALL children of God. Some of us go right to the source and read His truth, while other righteous folks take different avenues to seek HIM! At least we (the righteous folks) all acknowledge HIM! Now the EVIL folks are an entirely different story.
Here’s something to ponder while you enjoy the moose up yonder (SMILE) ….
Psalms 37:1
1 [a psalm] of David. Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.
2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; [so] shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring [it] to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
10 For yet a little while, and the wicked [shall] not [be]: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it [shall] not [be].
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
12 The wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth.
13 The Lord shall laugh at him: for he seeth that his day is coming.
14 The wicked have drawn out the sword, and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, [and] to slay such as be of upright conversation.
15 Their sword shall enter into their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.
16 A little that a righteous man hath [is] better than the riches of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken: but the LORD upholdeth the righteous.
18 The LORD knoweth the days of the upright: and their inheritance shall be for ever.
19 They shall not be ashamed in the evil time: and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.
20 But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the LORD [shall be] as the fat of lambs: they shall consume; into smoke shall they consume away.
21 The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy, and giveth.
22 For [such as be] blessed of him shall inherit the earth; and [they that be] cursed of him shall be cut off.
23 The steps of a [good] man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.
24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth [him with] his hand.
25 I have been young, and [now] am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
26 [He is] ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed [is] blessed.
27 Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore.
28 For the LORD loveth judgment, and forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.
29 The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.
30 The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment.
31 The law of his God [is] in his heart; none of his steps shall slide.
32 The wicked watcheth the righteous, and seeketh to slay him.
33 The LORD will not leave him in his hand, nor condemn him when he is judged.
34 Wait on the LORD, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see [it].
35 I have seen the wicked in great power, and spreading himself like a green bay tree.
36 Yet he passed away, and, lo, he [was] not: yea, I sought him, but he could not be found.
37 Mark the perfect [man], and behold the upright: for the end of [that] man [is] peace.
38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together: the end of the wicked shall be cut off.
39 But the salvation of the righteous [is] of the LORD: [he is] their strength in the time of trouble.
40 And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him.
Dear DElta1,
Glad you are enjoying Canada. I’ve never been there but want to one day. Have friends who live there and son D has a friend there.
I’ve done a little bit of everything I think Delta, the old “jack of all trades and master of none” thing mostly I think. But it has kept life from ever being boring! It seems though in many ways I have lived “9 lives” or been “reincarnated” in this life time as each “life” has sort of been almost separate from the others or totally different line of work, or different part of the world. There just never was enough time to do all that I wanted to do or see all I wanted to see.
My late husband was also a “jack of all trades,” but he was a master at quite a few of them, whereas I am not the expert in any field that he was in SEVERAL fields from aviation to engineering, to training and showing 3-day event horses on a national competition level, to roller skating national championships. LOL I’ve done a lot of things, but at best am mediocre at most of them, but at least I got to experience it and that in itself is satisfying. It was tough for me to retire, because I did love my work, and got a lot of satisfaction from it, but at the same time, even in my “most crazy” state of mind from the deaths of my husband and stepfather and the psychopath’s chaos, I realized I wasn’t safe to practice any more.
But life is getting better, my head is on straighter, and I’m learning as I go.
I too was pounded with an “angry vengeful god” by my egg donor (maternal DNA donor, but not mother, she didn’t earn the title by nurturing) had me scared to death by age 5-6 of this nasty vengeful mind reading old man. I have found now, though, a different view of God, a true heavenly father rather than someone waiting with glee to “zap” me into hell fire and brimstone. I do understand how you could have been turned away from any spiritual belief system by that in your childhood.
I do think though that a spiritual aspect is part of being human, regardless of what you “believe in” even a person who does not believe in a “higher power” can still have a spiritual aspect to their life. I think in order to have a “moral compass” we must have some kind of guide or direction for our spirituality to point toward, otherwise, we would be like the psychopaths and have no direction to our emotions or souls. Without a spirituality that makes us want to connect to other humans, we might as well get what we want at the expense of others without regard to how it hurts the others. If that makes any sense.
I am very tolerant of others spiritual beliefs unless those beliefs cause them to want to hurt others. It really doesn’t bother me if you believe in Charlie Brown’s “Great Pumpkin” if you want to. (that’s a cartoon character here).
I think your caring heart is plenty of evidence, Delta1 that you are a spiritual being! (((hugs))))
ps, even if you are not a “believer” there are a great many passages (as wini pointed out) that are good advice for anyone to follow (I just saw her post) and there are some great descriptions of Psychopaths in the Bible as well, There is a thread here on this that Donna did, describing a female P.
The sacred writings of many belief systems have good advice for us to follow to live happy and good lives, free from evil.
Wini
Thanks so much for putting this wonderful list together….it lifts my spirit and I can feel God in your post…bless and thanks….
Yay Wini, Oxi BF and everyone. I’ve found a healing here on LF that I’ve not found b4. It’s powerful and a little scary.
LOL – i guess the internet is a good thing – where else wud a lady from no-where in the UK and a country gal from US of A, would’ve been able to feel each other’s experience
Much luv – really wish I’d had a momma like Oxy or Wini (we’re around the right age!)
YES -It’s a rather vain hope, but still I know we’d have had a blast in real life. I wished fr a luvly mother like Oxy, Winii or the ladies on LF. Is that a little too transparent?
Delta 1 XXX
Dear Delta1,
Darlin, I have gratitude for the internet and to Donna for this site, it has helped me to heal my soul and allowed me to show parts of myself, to feel parts of myself that I had buried for so long because the focus of my life was “what would the neighbors think”? Which was our family mantra. Now I care so very little about what the freaking neighbors think.
I also spent my entire life feeling that no matter how “good” I was it was never perfect, therefore NOT GOOD ENOUGH, and now I realize that I can VALIDATE my own performance and guess what, it doesn’t have to be perfect to be “good enough.”
I’m afraid I would probably be a better parent today than I was when my kids were teenagers…I think I was probably a great parent when they were little, up to pre-teen years probably and then I was so-so. I sure would do things differently now than I did then that is for sure.
I wish too that I had had a loving and kind, caring mother, but I DID have a great step father to replace my evil sperm donor who fortunately went out of my life at age 3 months until I was grown. (But he made up for what he missed when I was younger!) So now I count the blessings I had, the people who were affirming of me, who DID love me, who were kind to me, and I appreciate these people all the more. There were others who weren’t perfect by far, but they did the best they could out of genuine love for me, even if it wasn’t what I wished it had been, they did what I did, and that was the best I could do.
We all I think have to re-parent ourselves to some extent, to let go of the bitterness and the pain from those years of deprivation as children, to realize that “it cudda been worse” and go on from there.
No one but Jesus had a “perfect mother” who was “without sin” as a parent, but even she didn’t believe in him when he first started preaching. Learning to trust myself to need someone else to validate me and my reality is the thing I am working on for myself the hardest.
I’m very glad you are here Delta1, your knowledge and compassion shine through your posts. That’s what makes lovefraud grand is the diversity of folks here from all ages, all walks of life, all different lifestyles, beliefs, etc. and different countries. It is what makes it WORK! ((((hugs)))))
Delta, come to our ‘chips on the beach’ meetup in the UK! Only me and blue skies so far but it’s a start. 🙂 Hope you see some meese soon. Or one moose at least. x
Delta1: I’m actually trying to move to another city in January when my lease is up. There are too many painful memories here and my police department won’t hire here for a long time. Also, their pay is SO SO low and they provide NONE of your equipment at all except the gun. That is way too much of a hardship to start a new career like that when I’m already taking a huge paycut. I have to go someplace where the department provides everything.
I am just depressed here too. Deep in my heart I still have a tiny bit of love left for my malignant narcissist-even though I hate him and his wife. I can’t stand being in the building with her. Her cell phone number showed up on my emergency pager the other day and it made me SO angry. I don’t know if she has the authority to call us out for emergencies or if she was just trying to freak me out. If she is able to call us out, then I will have to talk to her. It really bothers me that she could use that pager to screw with me anytime she wants. She could wake me up at all hours of the night. I am just SO freakin over it.
I just want to move but I’m afraid. I don’t get afraid very often and it’s hard to admit that. The economy sucks so bad that I’m afraid to leave a stable high paying job to go to another city—even though I despise my current job and it’s putting me under severe amounts of stress. I’m just not feeling good about things today.
Erin1972 – You’re bound to have ups and downs in the situation where you’re essentially feeling ‘trapped’ in a space with a toxic person who wishes you harm – even if she doesn’t ‘do anything’ this time.
But don’t worry – you’re not really trapped for long. It’s because your ex and this woman attacked you viciously and it’s bound to have some impact, even on the strongest of persons. Moving probably feels very daunting and change is hard under any circumstances – even if it’s a positive change, with some risks attached in the current climate.
I was terrified when I made a career change age 30 to be a SW – and I’m a really a tough cookie too – so don’t beat yourself up. Classic stuff – beating yourself up for ‘being scared’ when you’re really so freaking brave. Now where is Oxy’s skillet? LOL
Tell me (are you the daughter of a Narcissist or personality disordered parents – meaning you were given false messages that you could never quite be ‘good enough’ right? I remember some stuff you told me before about your parents but can’t remember all the details exactly.
I would use the time you have to plan out your move in detail and spend time imagining the life that you’re going to manifest for yourself. Avoid the Spath and spent as much time distracting yourself from the situation as you can. Marshall your resources – line your ducks up in a row. Start thinking about how to make contacts in the city you’re moving to, where you want to live, extra sources of income, friend you can call on if necessary etc etc. I’m sure ‘feeling and imagining’ your new life realistically will help you to feel less ‘at the mercy’ of this woman (or anyone else). I can ‘feel’ your resourcefulness from here!! But it’s also okay to have the odd wobble and cry – you don’t have to be strong all the time, no one is strong all the time. But you choose good safe places to be wobbly these days ie LF, so that’s okay.
Also – you have love in your heart even for your ex because you have a big heart. It’s actually a testament to your astonishing compassion and warmth that you have this ability.
However you and I know that you wouldn’t ‘give it away for free’ anymore and that you would not allow this man to use your compassion against you anymore. I don’t think it’s necessary to ‘hate’ the ex Spath forever – it’s part of healing when the anger, rage etc finally subsides (more or less!) just because of time, freedom from their manipulations.
Really I think the love in your heart for your ex is a reflection of the love that you have for ‘the child in you’ the person who longs for a warm physical connection and genuine love. That part of you may be waking up because your healing and getting ready to ‘reconnect’ with these normal loving and trusting feelings. You’ll be using your new knowledge next time, and you’re not ‘the same person’ who was hurt by the Spath anymore – you’ve grown and learned loads (as we all have) since then.
“This too shall pass and all that”
Yes Oxy – definitely getting into my need to ‘reparent’ myself. Looked for affirmation in the wrong places before i.e. relationship with a man rather than ‘therapy’ and ‘self-love’ was my big mistake LOL!
Re Facebook – Went through a mad phase on FB yesterday contacting people that I’ve lost touch with over the years. Still being careful to try only to contact decent sorts tho.
During my relationship with the N and afterwards – I was practically phobic about using FB as my ex used it to torment me (lots of messages would appear on his FB from so-called ‘friends’ that turned out to be a little bit more than friends a-hem!). it was very humiliating as I stayed in the relationship. I was suspicious of cheating but he did all the usual DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL – and convinced me that my own precious gut instinct was wrong about it (it wasn’t!). Goodness, it’s pretty irritating to think of the Narcissistic Supply exN must have been getting from my reaction to all his cheating. But I really don’t give a tinkers toss about him anymore. My life is much more interesting & satisfying without him. Besides he’s given me the gift of making me finally realise just how ‘spot on’ my gut instinct was and is. I will never, never doubt myself like that again – ha. Now I’m like (is it EB’s person?). The one who when I get up the Devil says ‘sh*t the b*itch is up!”. Sorry if it’s not EB I can’t remember where I saw this exactly to check.
When with exN I’d lost so much confidence through his gaslighting – that I didn’t want anyone ‘to see me in such a state’. I felt I had ‘nothing to write about’ on FB anyway. But that’s happily not the case anymore – I’m not afraid or ashamed now. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of positive affirmation from people around me – including on LF which has helped alot. In fact I may be getting a melon head! (big)
If you’d told me I’d be happy like this 2 years ago – I wouldn’t have believed it. It’s not all roses everyday – but life is ‘good enough’ again.
Since blocking my ex l and doing the psychic cord cutting it’s like I’ve had a massive release of energy and have really ‘turned a corner’ – so I recommend it to anyone else.
Verity – chips YUMMMY!
Blessings
Delta1