By | February 3, 2013 35 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not my sociopath

Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.”

January 30, 2013, was the “day after” my divorce trial. I was granted my maiden name as a term of the divorce. The rest of the terms aren’t important. What is important is that once I discovered what he had done, he ceased being “mine” in every capacity.

He was no longer “my husband,” and he was never “my spath.” He is his own disordered individual and belongs to himself, solely, and forever.

Once a person is proven to be toxic to me, they are no longer “mine,” and I would like to convey this concept to every LoveFraud reader to consider. When they were “ours,“ they were strictly an illusion. What they truly are does not belong to us, never did belong to us, and we need to lose this reference as “my spath,” or “my ex-spath,” or any connotation that remotely connects them to us.

I had kept specific details of my situation with the ex-spath that I will name as, “Kerby,” very vague due to the sensitive details of my divorce trial. Because he has not yet been charged with a crime or found guilty of that crime, any use of Kerby’s legal name could be construed as slanderous. I can say that he is a State Employee and has been for almost 2 decades. Where he lives will remain vague. What he is, what he’s done, and how I’m recovering will have to come in pieces and parts.

The divorce trial: loss, deception, and disordered behavior

What I can say about my divorce trial experience is that it was fraught with extreme anxiety and deprivations that are not only unbelievable, but conditions under which no human being should be forced to exist in these United States. As a result of Kerby’s deliberate deceptions and actions, I not only lost everything that I had, but my identity as an artist was destroyed when he maliciously wiped out my computer. It contained 9 years of documentation of my work along with files, programs, and vital information with regard to my exhibits, my experience, my abilities, and visual imagery of my artwork. All of that is gone, forever, and there was no legal remedy for his action.

What I can also say about my divorce trial is that Kerby is a coward. When all of the evidence was presented to him by his own attorney, he maintained that he wasn’t going to comply with what would have been reasonable and that he was going to fight to the death to protect his income — a very healthy income as a State Employee. The bankruptcy scare has now turned into a horror show that was written, directed, and produced by Kerby himself. He will, for many years, be paying for his greed and disordered machinations and Karma will, indeed, reign Chaos directly upon his graying head. And, he did it to himself.

The oddest thing about the trial was not the hours of negotiations and Judge’s irritation at Kerby’s childish failure to be “prepared for trial.” The oddest aspect of this was the distinct and glaring indication of just how disordered he truly is. Throughout this ordeal, his mother (also disordered in character and personality), whom he had openly and verbally disdained throughout the sham of a marriage, accompanied him to every hearing, often driving him in her own car, lest her little boy (37 years old) be too upset to drive himself. During the hours of waiting in the courtroom, questions and speculation began circulating throughout the courtroom staff. From the Bailiff to the clerk to even the Judge, himself, the question arose as to why Kerby (the defendant) would “bring his girlfriend to his own divorce trial.” Because of where I was seated, I wasn’t able to observe the behaviors, but there was apparently inappropriate contact between the mother and son that caused the staff to believe that they were lovers.

Kerby is, was, and will forever remain a very, very disordered human being. He was raised by a disordered human being, and anyone that he comes into contact with is in danger of exploitation — any man, woman, child – nobody is immune to his greed, his deviances, and his absolutely childish mental state.

Free in name, heart, soul and spirit

I am free of that man, forever. In name, in heart, in soul, and in spirit, I am free of him and all that I lost is worth this freedom. Today, I begin rebuilding me. When he finally faces charges of criminal fraud, I will not feel one shred of pity or sympathy for him. He is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. He is no longer “mine,” on any level. He has less meaning than an animal that has been struck and killed by a car – wildlife has no concept of motor vehicles or traffic patterns, and Kerby had every concept that what he was doing was illegal, immoral, and carries harsh consequences.

I would like to urge everyone who is in recovery from a sociopath entanglement to drop the “mine,” and “my” reference to the person who dealt them damage. Only the illusion belonged to us. The spaths belong unto themselves, solely. Feel this freedom. Feel this empowerment that we no longer are being gas-lighted, poisoned, threatened, coerced, manipulated, abused, dismissed, ignored, invalidated, and ruined. We are priceless, each of us, and our recovery is the spit in the eye that they deserve. We will be “happy,” at some point. “They,” on the other hand, will remain organisms that only mimic human beings, forever and ever, amen. And, Karma will certainly knock on their proverbial door in the form of an arresting officer, a Judge, a jury, or God in Heaven. We may be a catalyst to that Karma, and we may not be. But, everything is all about recovery, boundaries, and fueling our own emotional power, from this point on.

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Dear Adelaide – brilliant and such a balm to my soul. This is a keeper for me. Thank you more than I know how to say. Very Best Wishes to You as you travel “from this point on.”

Ox Drover

GREAT ARTICLE and good concept of they are not “mine” any more….I’m so glad you are FREE from him at last I know your journey has been very much filled with losses and privations as well as outright fraud and theft.

Keep your head high and your spirits strong! God bless ((((Hugs)))) and a BIG TOWANDA!!!!!


What if the sociopath in my life, or not in my life (it’s been a little over a month since we had contact), is my son. I know for my own sanity and to make sure we don’t lose our life savings, we must have no contact, but to fully heal, must I deny that I have a son? Do I need to try to forget him entirely and push him from my thoughts when he pops into my head, or do I continue to pray for him daily?

Ox Drover


My Psychopathic son is in prison for murder. I protest his parole every time he comes up for parole, as he has also ttried to kill me because if I out live my own egg donor he gets no inheritance.

Unfortunately, if our child–parent–sibling–spouse–friend–whoever, is a psychopath there is NO DEALING WITH THEM that is NOT damaging to our emotional health.,

NO CONTACT means just that iif at all possible. NO contact.

I have another biological son who is NOT a psychopath, but he is not the kind of man I want in my life as a friend. I am not afraid of him, and actually if I asked him he would come help me, but he is a liar at times, and in the past he knew his brother was abusing me, robbing me, and he did not warn me. He did not turn against his brother untiil HIS LIFE WAS THREATENED then he turned against Patrick….but, knowiing that I would NO LONGER ALLOW ANYONE CLOSE TO ME WHO LIED TO ME, he, guess what? LIED TO ME…now our only contact is by e mail and only then concerning his brother’s parole hearing. I sometimes run into him at an auction and we speak politely but that is it.

It isn’t easy, Mom, and I too am heart broken that one son is a dangerous murdering psychopath, because he was my “shinning star” but you know, I no longer “worry” about him, or what is happening to him in prison. My other son because of his unwise spending habits will end up broke and close to homeless, but I won’t bail him out, though i would probably drive him to a Salvation Army shelter for homeless people if he asked. But I wouldn’t take him into my home, though I have fairly frequently taken in people in distress into my home or on my property or given them free rent in a small rental unit I owned. But my son C as BETRAYED me way too many times and when I set the boundary about the LIES, he continued to lie to me, and when I called hiim on it, he lied to others ABOUT me. So that is the end of the road for our relationship. Without TRUST there CAN BE NO relationship that is healthy.

I hope that answers your questions. I know it is a PAINFUL and DIFFICULT road. I’ve walked it.

Ox Drover

ps, one way I managed to think of my P son Patrick is thhat he was a wonderful child up to about 12 or 13 and so I imagined he died at that age….I even had a little memorial service for him, and the MAN who got his “transplanted organs” is an EVIL STRANGER to me.

I got rid of every picture (just about) of him over 13 or so, and just remember that wonderful little boy, and not the evil teenager and adult he became.


Heartbrokenmom, having a spath son, myself, he remains my offspring, but he is no longer a part of life. Praying for him, his redemption, his healing, or a cure isn’t going to help him because he is a sociopath, forever. It’s sad, it’s painful, and it’s ugly, but it’s something over which I have no control. And, it’s no easy task.

Brightest and most comforting blessings


lol, Kerby, like Kirby, the vacuum that sucks and sucks and sucks!

You are free Truthy, of the vacuum, hurray! He is no longer your vacuum but the experience and the lessons are yours.

I have to say that my experience with my own vacuum was the most instructive of my life. I wish I had been able to receive this wisdom in some less painful way, but I didn’t and I’m not sure that there is a less painful way.

Still, I took those lessons and allowed them to change me for the better, so I will OWN those lessons, they are mine.

I strive to continue to learn from the vacuum hell that I went through. I’m sure I wasn’t the most shallow person in the world before the spath, but I did not have the depth of understanding that I do now. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it” What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” (Luke 9:24a-25).

Thanks spath!


Skylar, that’s why you’ll never see me post, “MY exspath.” I own NO part of that disease, thank you! The lessons? You bet I own those – they are mine and hard-earned.

And, for me, I don’t think that I learn the “easy” lessons. It’s the ones that hurt the worst that make the lasting impressions.

Brightest blessings


Thanks, everyone, for the reminders. I need to come to this site every few days to stay strong, at least for a while. I will try my best not to sound like a broken record, and more importantly, not so sorry for myself. I see from these many posts that many of you have experienced even worse betrayals than I have. The pain is excruciating. May God bless you all and give us all strength through a journey none of us chose for ourselves.


Heartbrokenmom, many of us visit this site every day for guidance, support, encouragement, and an opportunity to vent. In your situation, I would suggest engaging in some strong counseling therpay and visiting LoveFraud as often as you can. Divorcing a douche-bag is one thing. Separating one’s Self from spath offspring is QUITE another, and that’s what brought me to this site 4 years ago.

Please – do not compare your grief to that of others’. Grief is grief and betrayals are betrayals. Your pain IS excruciating, but it will dissipate to a tolerable (and, manageable) degree, in due time.

Keep coming back. Keep reading. Keep posting and purge the disappointment, hurt, and anger out of your system.

Brightest blessings

As painful as having a spath in your life is, it is also very eye opening. We can learn so much about ourselves and human beings in general, when we let the pain focus our attention.

The fact is, spaths are something we would not choose to look at, if we had a choice. It’s only when the choice is taken away because of our “close call” that we open our eyes and see more truth than we ever wanted to see.

For myself, I guess I always thought that I couldn’t handle the truth. But it turns out that I can.

Your truth will be for you to determine, but it might be along the lines of: You had a biological son and he is a danger to you and to society. He doesn’t have any feelings of warmth to you or his father or towards anyone, therefore biology doesn’t create attachment and it doesn’t create relationships. If being a mother, father, or a son is about relationships, then your son is not “a son”, he’s just a person you gave birth to.

Ox Drover


What Skylar says is true, DNA does NOT make family…love does. Connectedness and cariing do. DNA does not. I have a P male DNA donor, or had, he’s dead now, and though I TRIED to have a relationship with him, I was unable to so, was no contact for 40+ years until his death.

My Maternal DNA donor isn’t a psychopath, but she is a TOXIC enabler and sends money and hires attorneys to try to get my son Patrick out of prison, even KNOWING he tried to have me killed. I am NC with her though we live on the same piece of land.

It HURTS to cut ties with those we love, but Truthy is also correct in that YOUR PAIN IS 100% and MY pain is 100% and it doesn’t matter if you have one leg broken or two, the pain is 100% Each of us suffers 100% pain because of the loss of someone we love. It IS DIFFERENT when it is a DNA connection but I am not sure it is any worse than a romantic relationship, I’ve lost on both counts and I can’t say one is more painful than the other.

So keep coming back, keep- reading and keep the conversations going and ask questions or just VENT. It’s okay. God bless and comfort you.


Skylar, I understand and agree that he has no feelings of love for us. He only wants what he can take from us. I’m still having trouble letting go of the feelings of love I have for him. I want to let go and I’m determined to do it, but it is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I wish with all my heart that there was some kind of help for people like him. I try to imagine what it would be like not to have feelings like love, empathy, compassion. What an empty way to live.

Ox Drover

Heartbroken mom, you don’t HAVE TO LET GO of your LOVE for him (the emotional connection) but you have to set boundaries for what contact you will allow….and with people like my son and yours is the old “give them an inch and they will take a mile” and so NO contact seems to be the best way to go because if we allow them into our homes and lives they will steal or hurt us in some other way.

That doesn’t mean you can’t love him FROM A DISTANCE or that you cease to pray for him, it just means that you must keep him at a distance so he does not hurt you any more. That hurts too, but it is self protective and very necessary.

Don’t focus on trying to quit loving him, because that isn’t the important thing right now, right now you have to keep him from hurting you any more.


Heartbrokenmom, Skylar and OxD are spot-on. I really like what OxD said about NOT focusing on trying to stop yourself from loving him. I really do.

“No Contact” may be painful, sad, and grievous, but it’s really the only way (to date) to implement self-protection. Every time that door opens, it’s with US extending our hands in love and forgiveness and THEM reaching for our throats. It is inevitable. And, just because it is inevitable and true does NOT mean we have to “like” it.

Acceptance comes in tiny steps, Mom. I don’t LIKE that my son is a sociopath, but I’ve come to accept that fact and deal with it. This is no easy task, and you are too precious in this vast Universe to allow any man, woman, OR child to deliberately harm you.

Brightest and most sincere blessings of encouragement



Thank you for this article. My divorce was final 4 months ago and truthfully it didn’t bring the freedom I thougth it would, but I’m beginning to realize that it’s because I allow myself to continually feel oppressed by him. You’re right, he was never “my” anything. He was “AN” evil person, but he wasn’t mine. I’ve had no contact (something I thankfully learned here) except for minimal exchanges in regards to the children, but truthfully that too only brought me minimal freedom. I think what you wrote today is what I needed to hear. It’s up to me to be free of him. It’s not up to him to let me go, or grant me freedom. The divorce court granted me a “legal”, “law of the land” divorce, but I must grant myself my own freedom. It’s my choice, not his. I choose to be free of him.

I’m not sure but I think “freedom” from a psychopath may mean different things to each of us. To me, more than anything else, it means I stop blaming myself, and berating myself for falling victim to him; for trusting someone who can’t be trusted, and for believing his lies, and for allowing him to mistreat me for so many years. Freedom to me means letting go of all of that, remembering only what I need to remember in order to protect myself and my children from the spaths around us, not “our” spaths, but “those” spaths who are out there.

And freedom to me means I stop fretting about how unfair it is and how much better my life could have been had I not become ensnared by him. It’s time to move on and be thankful that I survived and that I am stronger and braver, and wiser, and oh so compassionate to the suffering around me. Yes, I lost a lot, but I gained an awful lot too.

Thanks again, Adelade. Your article really helped me to reach for that freedom I so desire and I find myself closer to it tonight!


Lovingthem, you put it perfectly: “…it means I stop blaming myself, and berating myself for falling victim to him; for trusting someone who can’t be trusted, and for believing his lies, and for allowing him to mistreat me for so many years.”

Yes, yes, YES!!!!! TOWANDA TO YOU!!!! And, congratulations on your divorce.

Brightest blessings


Thanks truth speak! Congratulations are definitely in order when one musters up the courage and divorces a spath!


Lovingthem, LOL!!! Yepper!



Keep praying for your son. He’s a prodigal child. I know I had a rough relationship with my mom and it started when I turned 14 and started my independence and personal growth and abilities. My mom was not happy with me to show independence from her as well as my personal growth and abilities cause her serious jealousy towards me. Moms should always be loving and supportive, encouraging, that’s what God teaches. But if you end up with a “Cain” you cannot help that, he will be banished and dealt with. The thing you should always do is pray and hope one day that you will see him in heaven if what you have on earth is not reconciled. He will forever be a part of you, and praying for his safety and soft heart towards what is right, is the best you can do. Trust the rest has already been done.

God bless.

Keeping you in prayer too.


Adelade, I am sorry what you went through but I love your spin on things. The one I was married to does not belong to me. The illusion of who I thought he was made me fall in love. The reality of who he actually ismakes me glad it is over.


Rochelle, if I could afford to do it, I’d throw a “Divorce Reception” complete with a pig-roast, Divorce Cake, booze, and live music! And, some male strippers for eye-candy-entertainment, ONLY. LMAO!!!!

Brightest blessings


Hi Adelad,
sorry to hear about your story, but impress that you are a strong person now. you are very much right that they are no ones, apart from their own self. about mothers yes you are right they are equally disorder as the son 🙂 well you be shock to know spath I was involved was a state employee, not sure if still or not plus yes he is also involve in money fraud, he is in money fraud from many years but according to mummy dear its me who put him in this !!!! but according to his mother poor him he is depressed because of me and that is something that make me laugh.

about he clearing your computer this was not a shock for me at all. since ex spath did same with me hahahah….. he kept or destory he knows best. infact not just this he has event kept all my expensive things. well i have file the divorce case, your story has prepare me to be strong cz who knows whats goin to happen in court 🙂
blessing and hug


Babs, I would strongly encourage you to consider counseling therapy to help with the PSTD.

State employees (especially, supervisors) have what they perceive to be Ultimate Power because one has to really WANT to be fired from their position before they are. Government employment allows for all manner of “bad” behavior, and I am SO sorry that you were compelled to resign.

With regard to your self-esteem, the “bad” man must have been able to hone in on that to perpetrate the sexual harassment that he did. This would be a primary catalyst for me to get involved in counseling because I need to sort out my own issues so that I’m NEVER an easy target, again.

I’m sorry for your experiences, Babs. One day at a time, and one step at a time.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover


I hear the pain and desperation in your posts about the financial shape you and your husband are iin because of you not being able to work.

I also hear clinical depression and I strongly suggest that you talk to a mental health professional about this and consider both therapy and some medication. I agree with Truthspeak that you may have PTSD as well.

Take care of yourself and get some help. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t attempt to set it yourself, with a broken spirit like this sometiimes we need some professional help. And please make a promise that you will never consiider hurting yourself. God bless.


Truthspeak and Ox Drover

You have helped me so much in these last few minutes. Thank you. You want to know what is crazy? This guy is still inside my brain…after a year and two months. Part of me wants him like crazy…but I am hip to this because of relationship sites I have visited. The male pick-up artists have their own way of approaching a woman and can convince her that SHE is addicted to him (and this is how they get under a woman’s skin to control her and get her to pursue him). I am wise to these machinations of the male mind.

It was interesting to see how he created “triangulations”…for instance, he liked putting himself in the middle of two women, as he did with me and the ‘other’ receptionist. She just ate it up. This is the work place environment, where as we all know, tremendous sexual tension is created and maintained by the fact that the work place is also the ultimate “taboo” for expressing lust (although he had no trouble with that).

Your kind words of support mean so much to me. Your “brightest blessing” Truthspeak…and your “God Bless”, Ox Drover, support my spirit and lacerated feelings after dealing with this man.

His last words to me were “best wishes”…knowing that he had just reported me. What a snake.


Babs, sweetie, it just takes TIME – one year is NO amount of time in the span of our entire lives! So, be kind to yourself and start believing that you’ll let go of the illusion – the fantasy. Because, if it ever came down to it, that guy would probably have been the GREATEST disappointment when all was said and done.

What we create in our minds is fantasy. That’s what spaths rely upon: fantasy and illusion. They’re masters at creating these perceptions. Once their masks slip and they’re exposed for what they are, they’re more hideous than anything that we could ever imagine in our wildest nightmares. They are black holes of greed, envy, and hatred.

Brightest blessings – and, I mean BRIGHTEST!

Ox Drover

Babs, I agree with Truthy, the FANTASY that they create from holding a mirror up to our greatest desires and we SEE that fantasy. Of course it is an illusion and not real at all, just a house of mirrors and falls like a house of cards.

You “fell for” this illusion and you need to forgive yourself for that, we all make poor judgments, for lots of reasons, and we get the consequences of those poor judgments and poor decisions but that doesn’t mean we need to keep on beating ourselves up forever.

We just have to deal with the consequences (financially etc) and then to HEAL OURSELVES….ask yourself WHY you fell for this fantasy and start working on healing yourself. The healing process starts out about THEM and what they are, but ends up being about US and why we made the poor choices we did and how in the future we can meet our own needs with GOOD choices.

Yep, he is a scumbag….and has no remorse at all. No conscience. But YOU are not like that, so you can at least start off by seeing that you are NOT “one of them.” That right there in and of itself is the biggest blessing you can have. God bless and comfort you. We all make mistakes, but we can learn from them, and I believe God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes he calms the storm and sometiimes he calms the child, so hang onn and BELIEVE you can handle this.


gettin over a certified sociopath is unlike anything you”ll ever have to do. your left with this huge feelin of loss..and we think gettin them back will fill that feelin of loss, when in fact it only prolongs the ”life lesson”..
yep think of this as a life lesson, now your focused on him and the horror of what he is…
soon you will turn this into finding out about yourself.
you have about another year to go before you can truly begin the search for the meaning of life for yourself..just mho…..
5 years and counting..


thank you for the article. i have tears in my eyes as I write this as I am going through my own nightmare divorce with my husband of 10 years who i realize now, is a sociopath. He ia a police officer that has abused his power to the fullest to destroy me. He has lied and filed false criminal charges on me. I am terrified. He has now moved onto our finances as his next area of control. I pray every day that I can just make it through for our two children. The only comfort that I have is knowing that he has targeted me and not our two children.

Ox Drover


I hear your frustration and yes, fear, and I don’t want to frighten you but he WILL use your kids as a battering ram to break through your defenses and to hurt you because you love them, so GET PREPARED. With psychopaths EXPECT THE WORST and then if you don’t get it, you feel relief.

READ READ READ and fiind ways to relieve your stress if you can. Take care of YOURSELF because you are going to need all your strength. Knowledge is power, so read and learn and keep coming here to vent. There are lots of good folks here with experience with the divorce and kids to help you through. Good luck and Good bless.


What scares me is he was stupid enough to come to court “unprepared” which irritated the judge. A real spath pro like my husband’s ex wife, is always prepared, and so, so convincing….a true victim! If you have children with him, remember this is genetic! Watch for a lack of empathy…biggest clue there is trouble.
Having children with them links you for life…making anyone who truly loves you in the future collateral damage…I would know, I am speaking 1st hand. Children, former partners….everyone. It takes a strong willed, witty, clever, secure person to stay one step ahead of the spath, and even then once in a while we get surprised! I have been with my husband for 8 yrs. His 17 and 22 yr old children are destroyed and severely damaged. They are pros at being the victim to get what they want, they learned from a pro, their mother. Their attitudes and warped lack of conscience will fall on generations for years to come, releasing this into our society….we all will suffer. God Bless you, congrats….Beth V.

Ox Drover

Beth do you and your husband have contact with the children who are disordered? If so, as the parent of one dysfunctional but non P son and a psychopathic criminal, I am NC with them both. It was hard, it hurt, but contact also hurts and it hurts continually.

NC brings closure, it brings peace.



Your post brings back so much pain. My ex is a licensed psychologist and used his profession and status to bully and intimidate me. I was literally terrified of him and still am to be truthful, but I did get out alive and with my children. Make sure you have an excellent attorney who understands psychopaths. I hired another psychopath to represent me and it ruined me financially. I wish I would have taken some really good advice and gone to the local women’s shelter and asked them for some referrals before hiring an attorney. You need someone really, really good and someone trustworthy.

Yes, you ex will use the children as leverage. They know that once we decide to leave them the children are the only leverage they have and they know we will do anything or give up anything to protect our children. You must have a good attorney and one you can trust or you will be “raped a second time” so to speak. That’s what happened to me. I hired a psychopath to help me break free of a psychopath. This happens all too often.

Read here often. The advice and wisdom of these wonderful ladies has helped me so much.


Ox Drover, My husband’s children never have been able to enjoy their father, even before the divorce. She would stop them from running to him as little children happy to see their daddy! When he divorced her and I got involved all hell broke loose. She never let up, she never quit coaching and lying to them…she would call our house 27 times in one day when they were here over weekend. When I took the phone off the hook, she got them cell phones and would have them call with their every move.Her life goal is to break us up and wreak havoc on our lives until we die. She and the children believe that my husband owes them monetarily until he dies…and then some. He has bent over backwards paying more monthly than he used to make to them…it was never enough. The treat him like #$%@ and years at a time go by without them speaking to him. He says he has become at peace with being there when they contact him, and not hearing from them for long, long periods at a time. It is almost a relief at times. He has my 27 yr old daughter who treats him like gold and with great respect…but then again, she was raised that way. For anyone that reads this remember, the biggest mistake you can make next to hooking up with a spath is parenting your children out of guilt once you have them and leave. They will feed on that and become entitled, ungrateful, brats. God Bless, Beth V

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