Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Dear Marsha,
You went through Hell. On the other hand, you got away relatively unscathed.
Your finances aren’t wrecked. You aren’t co parenting with an S, while watching your child for signs of budding character disorders. You haven’t been left with a nasty STD, a ruined career or blackened reputation.
I’m really sorry you went through that. I can relate to one critical aspect. My encounter with an S was unpleasant, but left me better off than I was before it happened. By some estimates, 9% of people suffer cluster B personality disorders. Before last year, I didn’t know this, nor did I know what it was about me that made me a pawn in their games.
Now I do. I bet you do too. You’ve got a great life stretching out before you, and I’m betting it will be cluster B free.
It is generous of you to share your story. Once in a while, I warn people too. I point people to the information about these disorders, and let them draw their own conclusions. If they get it, wonderful. If they don’t, their S/P/N will eventually put them in a more receptive frame of mind. We can’t save the world, but we can save ourselves and anyone who will listen.
Thanks for sharing your story. Although these story carry with them the same pattern of abuse control and the lack of caring and emotions from these s/p one must remember that it happen to this person. As I read these stories I now am able to see the many red flags.
“He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.”
“He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless.”
“Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day.”
“He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?”
“He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. (and) But, he rarely ever showed affection ” kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.”
“He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. “
These red flags were always there but many of us just simply push them away.
The writer is very luckily in many ways. She has a good relationship with her family and sounds like she also has some very close and dear friends. These people will help her understand and then heal.
I know how I too remember the coldness distance lies and all the manipulations that by ex s/p did as well. I should have seen the many red flags myself but choose not too…
Yes, I have learned my lesson but it helps me to remember this lesson whenever I read a story like this.
Thanks again writer!
Marsha,
Thank you for sharing your story. I thought i knew what a red flag was, and in essence I did. but what I didnt know was HOW TO ACT ON THEM, HOW TO NOT LET MYSELF BE MANIPULATED AND PERSUADED ONCE I CALLED HIM ON IT. I DID NOT HAVE THE TOOLS OR THE SELF-ESTEEM OR SELF-TRUST OR SELF-VALUE TO STOP. CHANGE DIRECTION. ALL I HAD WAS INNOCENSE AND LOVE IN MY HEART AND A DIRE NEED TO HAVE THAT RECIPROCATED TO ME – BUT THAT HAS TO BE DONE WITH GREEN FLAGS AND A GOOD /DECENT PERSON WHO RESPECTS AND LOVES HIMSELF AND OTHERS. HOW WILL I KNOW GOING FORWARD? BECAUSE IM LEARNING LESSONS, INVALUABLE LIFE LONG LESSONS ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS. ABOUT WHAT I DESERVE AND WHAT OTHERS DESERVE FROM ME – ONCE THEY EARN MY TRUST. THERE ARE NO SECOND THIRD FOURTH CHANCES…SURELY MISTAKES ARE BOUND TO OCCUR, BUT WHEN ITS WITH DECENT PEOPLE THEY ARE USUALLY LITTLE DISAGREEMENTS OR WRONG DOINGS…NOT STEALING MONEY, OR CHEATING OR BLATANTLY LYING – AND THE GOOD SOULS HAVE A WAY OF MAKING IT RIGHT AND FOLLOWING THROUGH – NOT GOING BACK TO THE SAME OLD CHIT.
I was not armed with the proper tools to deal with a bad man, and I was not able to protect myself once I fell head over heels for a bad man. Now I know to recognize the signs of a bad person for me in my life, and I take nothing personally – If I notice a red flag, i just say this is someone I dont want to associate with because they are on a much different path/wave length than me. And I have LEARNED to let people in my real life earn my trust and take note of the ones doing the same with me. The fly by night and on a whim ones, arent for me. And now nobody can tell me how Im feeling, what Im about – I trust myself and wont let myself down. Before I mostly trusted others, not myself.
Thanks for sharing!
LTl said Before, I mostly trusted others, not myself.
I agree with Learnthelesson wholeheartedly- I think that was where all of us went wrong at some point.I know I did. The key is to stick with BOUNDARIES. Spend enough time ALONE without the influence of a potential relationship and discover who you are. Meditate on what You aren’t – not someone who allows others to make me feel small,or uncomfortable. Dont allow others to take advantage even in small, seemingly harmless situations. I have now found that allowing even small inconsiderate actions conditions us to not take a stand on larger issues and will slowly erode the boundaries we hold so precious. I have had to learn how to be “prepared” ahead of time for those who push too hard for their own selfishness. I have had to go out of my comfort zone to stand up for me. Each time, I get stronger and more confident when I speak up. I find myself not getting as angry or depressed that my boundaries are challenged by selfish or thoughtless people, when I OWN the situation, and exercise my RIGHT to refuse or defend myself. It is a huge RED FLAG if someone is constantly overstepping their boundaries with me. I am learning to be bold and say “I am not Ok with this.” Actually, to my amazement others respect you more and a dysfunctional person may figure out to go fish in other waters-no shark meat here.
.
Marsha:
Same church, different pew.
Now I look back and wonder how the hell I ever put myself in that position. Learnedthelesson and sabrina are right — I lacked the tools to protect myself from such a creature. But, not anymore!
I know how much it hurts. Elizabeth Conley hits it on the head on the “plusses” if I can call them that, on your aftermath.
Sabrina – Thats it…thats what Ive found to be my best life plan going forward. Using and putting in place the tools Ive learned about setting boundaries and trusting myself to know the way I deserve to be treated. Towanda to your last TWO SENTENCES ABOVE!!!
Matt, Sabrina & Learnedthelesson,
I still struggle to figure out when to speak up and when to shrug it off. I hat the idea of becoming nitpicking or difficult.
Oddly, speaking up over little things has been rewarding. Normal people have been more considerate after being subtly warned that I would police boundaries.
Now that I think back on it, I realize that I did tell both the N and the S what I objected to quite early. They both ignored my preferences. Now I see that was a warning sign I should have taken very seriously. Instead of simply shrugging my shoulders and concluding the matter was inconsequential, I should have started watching for the next warning sign. There were plenty, but I was a patsy.
Normal people heed small requests for courtesy, even if the particular issue isn’t something they consider important. It’s the cluster Bs who ride roughshod over other people’s concerns.
Live and learn!
Marsha,
You are in the right place. I am so sorry you have had to go through this experience. Know that you are not stupid. There are many people, men and women, who are highly educated, wonderful and warm people. For me, it has taken time to absorb what was done to me. It was just too horrific. Two children and 42 years later I am wiser and permanently changed.
As I look back, I was a sweet, naive Catholic girl who wasn’t street smart. I was a nanny living with a family who took me to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. I met him 2 hours before I left Hawaii, as I went down to look at the beach for one more time. I was there 2 1/2 weeks. I was 19, and at a major turning point in my life – ready to leave the nest and move out on my own. I was ill-equipped and afraid. I was also looking for love – ready to be a wife and mommy. When he came along, he was so handsome and friendly. As I look back, there was a check in my spirit the moment I met him. I ignored it. He spent the 2 hours I had before the plane left talking about himself. Another red flag. Because I was in Hawaii, he thought I had money. Whoops! However, I WAS living in a BEAUTIFUL home and driving a brand new Cutlass convertable. I was living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. From the outset, he used me for the money I had. He encouraged me to leave my family physically and emotionally. He had me move away from any connections from my former life.
Your story and most of ours have certain characteristics that resonate the same. Like Matt said, same church, different pew. Allow us to companion you on your journey out, and remember, you are a beautiful person. You will be stronger because of this, and you are loved.
Thank you for sharing. An encounter with a psychopath is devestating. Your account helps others understand- psychopaths come in all stripes.
Elizabeth- I know she means well- said you got off easy comparably. By this definition, me too. I was even less involved- but I was destroyed. I didn’t even have a physical relationship, but being lied to about love and used for your resources is soul rape.
These psychopaths woudl have done whatever they could have without any remorse if tehy needed or wanted to. You didn’t get pregnant or contract and std- I am guessing that was just dumb-luck.Some psychos rape and rob one victim and kill the next- they’re all poison.
I think it is profoundly sad we as a society expect peopel to sue and dispose of one another in any form.
ps
I vote for a spell checker!