Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
good grief:
Don’t go there. If nothing else, she’ll go out and buy the books and hone her game even more. Seriously, you now have the knowledge of what she is. Use it by protecting yourself. And that means NC (no contact).
The wierd thing about these creatures is that they treated us abominably when we were with them. And then, once we are finally free of them, we actually miss them. I think a book you might find helpful is “The Betrayal Bond” which explains how we can bond to somebody who treats us abusively. Also, you might read Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” which is the primer on sociopathy.
My S (ex-bf) was a big one for texting and emailing. Of course, it wasn’t until later that I figured out that when I was getting bombarded with texts and emails and not calling, that meant he was out cheating on me.
Of course, when he would go “dark” on me — no texts, no calls, he always had some half-assed excuse. If I had a dollar for each new iphone charger he supposedly went out and bought I would be rich. Of course, when I finally turned the tables on him and didn’t respond to his barrage of texts, he didn’t like it when I told him that I had forgetten my charger. As a matter of fact, he told me exactly where I could have bought one.
As for the love and marriage — I was all set to marry mine. Hell, I had designed a ring which at cost, would have cost me over 15K. I am so glad I didn’t have the ring made — or marry him. It would have cost me big to get rid of him.
Like you, I did so much for my S. As I said in my original post, I was a one-man Salvation Army — ATM, lawyer, social director. All of it. The sad realization is that I was nothing but a source of supply to him. And once I cut the supply off, he moved on.
Hang in there. You’re in the right place to learn what these creatures are all about and to heal from her.
Good grief,
Welcome to LF! You are in the right place. When I first came to terms with my ex S’s nature, after talking to the Other Woman, who I refer to here as “Jane”, who told me “he has no soul.” I then, having some medical training, had my aha moment and realized what he was. All the lies, the lack of empathy and remorse. He had left me in the biggest “trick-bag” when he left me for her and actually enjoyed it, I had to see him everyday or risk civil or criminal penalties. And all he did was try to convince me the situation could be OK. I put in my CYA time and bolted.
I called the gal who runs this, Donna, and asked her advice. She told me not to tell him he is a sociopath (he had some of my stuff), just to take a friend with me and do it with the minimum contact possible.
If you are right, and I’m not totally sure from your story, you cannot “get through to her.” Her nature cannot “be fixed.” Even therapy only makes them worse, better able to say what is needed to get out of trouble, and that’s not me talking it’s from Dr. Hare’s book.
There’s a lot of good stuff right on this site, and some great books available, Dr. Hare “Without Conscience”, and (I’m told, credit card bounced), “The Betrayal Bond.”
I’m sorry you are so blue. I still miss his voice, his texts, in spite of it all, but my brain knows he was here only for money and my heart, with the help of the great folks here on LF, is starting to get the message too.
Matt – we were posting at the same time. Reading yours now.
good grief:
Trust me when I say that she was NOT the best thing that ever happened to you. They just make us THINK they are the best thing that ever happened to us — at least until the brain fog lifts.
I will lay money on the fact that the reason you think that is because you’re thinking about the “honeymoon” period — those first 3 months or so when they make you feel like you are the greatest thing on earth. And then they begin the devalue and discard.
When I read about her being disabled from the accident, but you couldn’t tell — I suspect she’s working that for all its worth in the “pity play” which is what sociopaths do to keep us on the hook. Mine would play the “I’m going to end up having a stroke like my mother” who was brain dead after her second massive stroke. By the end he was working that one shamelessly.
Funny Matt & I recommended the exact same books!
No, Good grief they aren’t normal and they do not “even recognize the difference between right and wrong enough to at least tell me its over instead of dragging me through the mud for over a month until i figure it out. WOW”
The reason for this is that they do not feel the pain of being hurt by someone we love like we do. They have no idea, and no concern, about what they are putting us through, no remorse. Explaining how she has hurt you would be like trying to describe colors to a blind person, or Country Music to a deaf-mute.
No can do.
Gotta run guys (can’t believe I’m blogging two real guys here :), but I’ll be back on later.
Love ya!
KickHim2theCurb:
When you mentioned your con artist was from Nigeria, this sent up a thousand red flags for me. The Nigerian scammers are totally shameless in their cons. If you meet anyone from Nigeria long distance, this is a pretty gigantic red flag. Often they will pose as attractive people (fake pics) from other countries. I don’t know what your story is, but sorry for what you went through. You have come to a good place. Isn’t it amazing that there are such people (I use the word loosely) in the world?
thanks for the responses…she definitley is disabled as I’ve been by her side for a surgery but her accident is one that if i told it here, which I won’t for fear of revealing her or myself but the absolute rarity of it, is unbelievable. she had a rough childhood, mom married numerous times, she told me she loved me 6 days into the relationship which was hot and heavy from the start because I was leaving town for 3 months a few weeks before we met so we spent as much time together as we could in that time. But after I got back to her, looking back on it now of course, it was different then before I left. We still got along real good and all but that may have been because we had so much in common maybe. But she would always talk about us being a done deal, right up until the day I left her in her home state, and then she started acting real shady almost instantly. I saw her send couple of real shady emails because i was getting suspicious. Throughout the year we were together, She “made me jealous on purpose” two seperate times when I think I caught her in lies. She took a lot and gave a little, she would put down some gifts i;d give her and say she didn’t like them, she was super independent, she put up huge walls, she is going bankrupt, and obviously she turned out to be incredibly deceitful and selfish. man, what a trainwreck. sites liek these have helped me so much becasue they answer the questions i had about why, how could she? no remorse? no appreciation? etc…man, what a nightmare, but this site is real helpful. thanks for all the great insight and feedback. just tough becasue i dont even know why she didnt want to be with me in the first place, just so weird for her to just stop talking to me for no reason, especially after all I did to not deserve anything like this ya know?
Good grief,
I did not read all the posts, so I apologize if someone already asked this, but are you sure she was disabled? Mine told me a very elaborate story of his head injury that was a total lie and even hatched a very intricate plot of faking a limp and speech impediment, facial tics, etc. to get out of the army with a generous pension. I had no idea he was not disabled until long after we split.
He also emailed me after discarding me. It took a while to figure out what he was and that he was playing some kind of game. Even after a year has gone by, sometimes I read something and some of the pieces fall into place.
good grief:
Whether you realize it or not, you have basically described a number of the red flags of a sociopath.
1. The coming on fast and intense. 6 dates and “I love you.” Check. “Done deal.” Check. Sociopaths are notorious for the “rope him, pin him and tie him.” Once they are sure they’ve got the hook in, then they start bleeding us emotionally, financially, every way.
2. So much in common. Sociopaths are human chameleons. Guaranteed she has “so much in common” with whomever your replacement is — and his interests could be a 180 from yours.
3. Making you jealous on purpose. Yup. The minute they begin to suspect they are losing control of you, they pull this one. It’s all about maintaining control with them. My S was notorious for pitting his ex against me. It was not only about control. I think he genuinely enjoyed having us go at it.
4. Staggering sense of entitlement. She gave a little, took a lot, put down your gifts. The lack of gratide is appalling. And we keep upping the ante by lavishing more and more on them to win back that wonderful person we fell in love with.
5. Financial irresponsibility. Mine had 15 default judgments against him. I paid the first 3 months of rent for 2008. When I got rid of him in November he was trying to get 10 grand out of me. Why? Because he hadn’t paid his rent since then and the landlord had changed the locks.
6. Multiply married mom. Who knows? Who cares? They will always have someone to blame.
7. Leaving her in home state. Your usefulness was up. She realized that you were probably onto her and she had gotten all she was going to.
8. Deceitful and selfish. Goes without saying. They lie even when they don’t have to. Hell, every word out of their mouths is a lie — even the words “and” “a” and “the”.
9. No remorse. The book is called “Without Conscience” for a reason.
she is definitely disabled, she is on disability and she has had numerous surgeries. that is what is so hard to comprehend, how someone who survived an accident that was like one in a million to survive, to treat someone that they “loved” and someone who defintiely loved them like complete garbage. you would think someone like that would have an appreciation for life and what is important as far as values and all and I wonder if i can appeal to that side of her but maybe she is just too far gone. it’s been almost 2 months since ive seen her and its been a month since she last emailed, even tho she still said she missed me and all. in the email i sent her saying i was done with her i told her it wasnt what i wanted and that she forced my hand by treating me so bad and all. i called her cold, cruel, deceitful and uncaring and i thanked her for showing me this side of her now and not later, but like i said, it wasn;t what i wanted cuz i didnt want her to be this way in the first place…but i even accused her of using me and she didnt even respond to say that she wasnt, nothing at all, not even a simple email saying she was sorry. i even emailed her a few days ago asked for the closure i deserve and nothing. that was before i knew all this so i realize that was a bad thing to do cuz she wont give in when i ask for an apology ya know? she totally sucks but it sucks that she sucks cuz i wanted her to be real cuz im real and i thought she was for sure
good grief:
You cannot appeal to anything with these creatures. They are incapable of caring. They know the right things to day, but they have no concept of the emotional content of the words. To them the words “I love you” has the same emotional meaning as “Would you like fries with that, sir?”
YOu have to understand that sociopathy is a personality disorder — probably a combintation of genetics (nature) and nurture. Psychiatrists can do NOTHING for them. We can do NOTHING for them. You can do NOTHING for her.
You will never get “closure” with this person. Personally, I think closure is bullshit. All it means is you dump your concerns on her, then she turns around and dumps on you and round and round and round you go. As a matter of fact, if you let her back in, forget closure. She will make you pay all the more. That is why NC is your only option.