Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
matt, it was 6 days! not 6 dates…i guess i should have known but she was so damn hot which is a dangerous tool in her arsenal for this twisted game.
good grief:
6 days, 6 dates, still way too fast.
I had exactly the same experience. After exactly 2 dates in one week with mine, I went off on vacation. I arrived at the hotel and found a beautiful arrangement with the “I love you” card.
Hey Good Grief,
Welcome to LF…sorry for the circumstances ..but glad you found a place to vent…and share…and learn. Definitely try to read some of the old articles and posts here…it helps so much to be able to relate to other peoples stories…you really get a sense that you arent alone and that you arent the crazy one afterall…theres a lot of crazy making when involved with a disordered person/a toxic person in our life who essentially doesnt treat us well, or turns into someone who they did not represent themself to be in the beginning. The best advice is NO CONTACT. Or you will be spinning in circles…closure is when they cut it off or when we put an end to it…crazy is when they are in our lives. There are no real concrete answers as to how they are so cold and callous – except thats what they do – thats the way they choose to be. Once you accept that, you really can see that you are way better off without her and try to find answers to why you stayed in a toxic situation or why you want her back knowing how unhealthy the relationship turned out to be with her. Try to sort out the reality from the fantasy (or the person she pretended to be in the beginning) – focus on her choices of late..who she is…and ask yourself if thats the kind of person you want in your life (hot or not 🙂
Glad you are here, there is lots of good people and great support here!
HEr actions of late are certainly something im not interested in. sometimes i think to myself that if she was here right now that id never be able to look at her the same way anyway after this. i wouldnt trust her at all, there would be a ton of resentment, and then having the knowledge that she could up and leave for no reason again would haunt me forever. plus, now that i suspect she is a sociopath would have me never be able to sleep easy. Definitely never loved someone more than her but she did this. I didnt make her do it and it cant be undone. I know i did nothing wrong and I understand that to be an important step to not crush my self esteem and all but she totally devalued me as a person and my contributions to her well being. I am already building myself back up through stuff like this but again, the overwhelming disappointment of her turning out to be this way doesnt subside too quickly. and plus, the utter lack of human decency on her part to even notify me that she was done is unacceptable by perhaps even a sociopaths standards. on second thought i guess I doubt that. But she did mention once a long time ago that she has contacted old boyfreinds to clear the air on how things ended, whatever that means. in one ear and out the other at the time. But so many of her little quirks that at the time I just accepted for her being her all make sense now and are explained by the charecteristics that the S shows. This realization has helped me to feel relief which combats the suffering i still feel for sure. I’m sure you all can empathisize with thinking in the back of your mind that you can get through to the person that you swear you know. It’s hard for people like us to even think it is possible for that person to be someone else entirely, and on top of that be capable of complete destruction without batting an eye. to me, that is nuts. Just weird how after all she’s been through, she chose her family who have never really been there for her over me who welcomed her with open arms adn had her back through everything. One more tidbit, she has a stalker ex b/f from high school. he contacted her after her accident and they became friendly again until he told her that he was trying to get close to her to be with her again. she cut off all contact with hi and he went ballistic and called and even drove cross country to confront her. anyway, I WAS WITH HER in the police station dealing with the fallout of al this and restraining orders and such, and then she turned aroud and did it for me and i didnt do a damn thing to deserve it, in fact i did everything to not deserve it. what a mindf*ck. its comical even. makes me shrug me shoulders and crack a smile…but its not funny lol
it’s crazy because even still, looking back on how she was when we were physically together, i cant imagine her being capable of this, like i keep repeating but it matters, especially after all ive done for her…but you all seem to know how that feels…its beyond my comprehension. if she had just said she had a change of heart and didnt want to be with me anymore, that sucks but ok, cant argue that, bt to toy with my emtions and tease me stringing me along almost seems like she went out of her way and enjoyed it. even as my freind, when i told her how she was making me feel, and i glossed it over for sure to how i really felt and what i thought might actually be happening, she still couldnt come forth to say one word at all through a simple 1 minute email…never thoght that would happen while i was taking immaculate care of her post-surgery and packing and moving her across the country among all of the other things i did while her saying she was gonna marry me all the time without me even asking…what a sucker…fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me…
Hey Good grief
I’ve wondered this too “just tough becasue i dont even know why she didnt want to be with me in the first place” but the answer is simple: she needed your help. You were her supply. She may have, probably has, found another by now. When that fails, when he figures it out, she’ll be back. Your JOB is to learn enough to resist the temptation and tempt she will. I took mine back 20 or so times, with the “I love you,” “You are wrong about us,” and my favorite “if this were true you would not feel like you do.”
No, you cannot “appeal to that side of her.” There is no “side of her.” She is what she is. The side of her that you love is HER ACT. I know it’s hard to accept, I’m still not over accepting what mine is, but none of it was real. She gave you enough of what you wanted to hook you and bailed when she thought she had a bigger fish to fry.
Matt: 4. Staggering sense of entitlement.
Mine talked me into buying TWO bran new vehicles, after we split! My rational was that if he were to come back, I wanted to know it was not for money, but in truth I was subconsciously trying to buy him back. It was Oh so sick.
LTL – As usual, you are so much further along than I am. Glad you’re still here, glad you are sticking around because we need you.
“it helps so much to be able to relate to other peoples stories”you really get a sense that you arent alone and that you arent the crazy one afterall”theres a lot of crazy making when involved with a disordered person/a toxic person in our life who essentially doesn’t treat us well, or turns into someone who they did not represent themself to be in the beginning. The best advice is NO CONTACT.”
This did more for me than anything. I thought he was an awesome, special person, but as I read the posts I understood he is just another psychopath, dealing out (he even admitted this once), saying the right things at the right time. And this site has shown me that I have LOST NOTHING.
Good Grief, we are here for you. Don’t let the gender thing worry you, you are welcome. We do not hate men on this site, just psychopathic men. And women. We are here to help each other overcome the addiction to a psychopath.
It’s very hard. I tried without help (though had a two or three shot counseling sessions here and there) for years, now I’ve come to understand, through LF. Hope you can too.
There is a great gal out there who can love you and appreciate you for who you are, and can share your life in a joyous and wonderful way. But this B_tch is not her.
and one last thing and then i gotta go to bed, but i understand when you guys all say NC, but realize that she wont respond to my email anyway, so with that in mind does it change anything? is it therapuetic to get this stuff off my chest for my own benefit? i would say remind her of all i did to try and make her guilty but ya know that is a lost cause and im probably still in denial. i even thought about challenging her a bit in an effort to get her to prove to me that she does NOT exhibit these traits of an S…but i guess the writing is on the wall…i really appreciate all of your feedback tremendously…thanks
No, no, no. She cannot feel guilty. It is not in her emotional pallet.
The only thing that will get to her is NC. Every day that goes by for her without word from you is bringing home to her that you know what she is.
Getting it off your chest just shows her you still care, and gets the camel’s nose under the tent. She will continue to exploit, and to hurt. NC is the only way to go.
Effort to get her to prove she does not exhibit these traits? Of course she can! She can convince you the sky is pink. THEY ALL CAN.
Silence speaks louder than words. Remember Art Garfunkel, if you are old enough, “Beneath the sounds of silence,” — that’s all she needs to hear from you.
I know it’s hard. Here’s something I did that helped: My OW sent me a pic he sent her pretending he was sick to avoid sleeping with me. When I get mad and want to communicate, I pull it up on the computer and yell at it. He never knows. Get if off my chest without opening a can of worms.
Another helpful hint from a blogger, really, really helpful, was to make a list of everything she did that hurt you and write “and it was inexcusable,” or “and it was unforgiveable” right after. When you’re done, you will may not have the desire to communicate with her.
Bed is good. Doggies to cuddle. They are precious creatures, like flowers, blooming for so little of our lives but never forgotten.
Good night.
Hello Everyone 🙂
Good Grief:
Welcome to LF. Like everyone else, I am happy that you found us but wish NONE of us had to be here. I am fairly new here myself as I only had my “Aha” moment last November after being in a relationship with my “S” for over 5 years. I stumbled onto this blog and all these wonderful people amidst tears, disbelief and ANGER. I have spent several weekends with a cup of coffee (numerous), a pencil and a notebook reading old blogs and educating myself all about “S”s. I, too, have made “red flag” notations and the “inexcusable” list. I have gone through a multitude of emotions while I read (and still do!). A few times, I had to stop, go lie down and cry and cry. I had to let out the pent-up stress. After soaking my pillow and with red-rimmed eyes, I got back on the computer to read more. I have only added to the blog a couple of times now, but it really is therapeutic for me.
Also, when I feel that I need to “get it off my chest”, LOL LOL, I go to my “S” folder on my desktop and go in search of “not-so-nice” pics to add to it. I can, of course, add my own captions. They are not nice, but I feel better after having done this. It may not be a remedy for all, but it works for me!
Good Grief, PLEASE find the time to read the posts and articles on this blog and most importantly remember…YOU DID NOTHING WRONG…YOU WERE JUST YOURSELF…AND LIKE THE REST OF US…YOU WERE TARGETED!
Stargazer:
Thanks for your comments. However, I did meet my “S” in person from the start and not online. Sorry I didn’t clarify that. So, there were no false photos or anything of that sort–just the false intentions.
Now that I think back, it was relatively early into our relationship, too, that he professed his “love” for me. I remember saying to him, “How can you say you LOVE me when we hardly know one another?” He just said (sigh) that he did! (sigh)
THEN, after a super 2-year relationship, everything started going downhill. The more things spiralled downward, the more I tried! Like all of you here, I, too, did EVERYTHING for this parasite!–more than I was doing for myself! I always put HIM first! How could I be so stupid? How could I have been so gullible? Sometimes, still, I am SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF! Then, I chant…duped, Duped, DUPED!!!!!
Anyone:
Good Grief’s “S” is pulling the NC thing not him. So, the NC is hurting him not her??!!?? I guess, right now, she thinks she has the control and is probably laughing but eventually when she thinks she will contact him again, THAT is when the NC will really start to take effect for Good Grief??
thanks for the response…
do you all think that she knows she is a sociopath? do you think that she knew from day one what she was doing? I wonder if she ever thought she loved me at all…and about her pulling the NC thing, is that common? I know it is a unique situation because we got seperated for awhile by distance but the one ting I cant get over is after everything, she couldnt even tell me it was over. it would have been so easy for her given the distance and time apart. and do you thik with all the weak excuses of leaving her phone in her car which is in the shop for a month, and no internet at her house for 2 weeks (obvious lies) that she was deliberately messing with my head, or is she just that far off that what she thinks she did is fine? she would tell me in the emails that the car guy said she could pick up her car (with her phone in it) by a certain day at the latest, and then 5 days aftr that day she’d email saying she didn’t get her phone or her car and that no one was around for her to borrow a phone from. but it was so transparent cause I’m like, “well how did you talk to the car guy then?’ thats right, she kept telling me she missed me and she’s call, right up until the last email a month ago. Does she remember all I did for her or does she forget?
We really did have a lot of fun together and get along great, do they not recognize that as valueabe? but i guess through all my dribble i just wonder, for better or for worse, if she ever loved me at all or if she knew what she was doing from the beginning. I try to tell myself that she did this, I didnt make her do it, and it cant be undone. I also doubt that she wil ever contact me again because where i moved back east is to where i grew up. being as it is difficult to find a place to leave here, i moved into a house down the street from my parents because an old neighbor hooked up a great deal. So she probably thinks I’ve told everyone about all this and therefore wouldn’t dare show up here or bother to contact me again unless they dont recognize that other people view their actions as wrong?