Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
I was sick with food poisoning one night 1 week after i left her. I was calling her constantly to get a little moral support with no answer. I was getting suspicious so I checked her email to see if she was around i know it was wrong but i did it so whatever. when she finally opened her email at midnite i tried to email her to call me. she erased the email and sent these 5 pictures to this guy of her cooking food and food that she had cooked. She didn’t call. 1 week after i gt here!!!!!!! anyway, the next day she called me and got mad at me for calling so many times and i explained why and she told me that I suck and that she cna’t give me the attention im looking for because she’s so busy…BS…few days later I check her email again and saw that she wrote to someone telling them that she was bak in her hme state for good and that she was going bankrupt and looking at places there. I called her up to call her out but was wise to not tell her what I saw, just that i was feeling bad vibes and all, and she denied everything teling me to trust her and all. that night, while she was mad at me for accusing her of these things that she didnt know i knew that same guy she emailed showed up on her facebook page saying she was adorable and asking if he was going to see her face that weekend, which was the weekend of my 30th b-day. she calls me up cuz she knew i saw it, and she says she told him to say it to make me jealous to stick it to me for accusing her of things earlier (which i knew to be true)…she sent great gifts, but texted me and didnt call on my b-day becasue she had strp throat and the flu…i kinda believe her cuz she sounded terrible but no call…i mean , i would have never not called under any crcumstance ya know? so the most unfortunate theory of all, was that is the guy she started working in so soon after i left her and that is he rnew target i guess. just sucks to know someone intimately and then… i know this is all a lot of info but id appreciate all the feedback i can get…thanks (im sure ill type more 🙂 ) but again, does she recognize what she did as wrong and not care ir think it is normal> I guess it all depends on her level of awareness of her condition, if you all thik she has it
is there any way she is not an S? damn!
another story, originsally i was supposed to drop her off in her home state with and be on my way to mine…but SHE wanted me to stay for a couple of days until after her 32 b-day party. her mom must have shit her pants…her cousin comes up to me at the party and asks what we we’re doing now that we arent together. im like “what?” she says that her mom told her that we had broken up and even went as far to say that she told her mom to thank me on her behalf for moving her there despit e the fact we weren’t together anymore????? I disregarded it at the time becasue she was drunk and i felt like she just HAD to be misimformed…guess not. and when i called my ex over to talk to her about the fact that she was moving with me and her cousin asked her if she was, her response was “we’re in love.” BS…also, that same cousin was cheating on her husband and my ex mentioned how wrong that was and the moral conflict of loving her cousin but not approving of her actions and all. yeah right!!!!!
I could write a book about this girl!
oh, and if she had it her way she would have left me out west alone to go home and be with her family but she wasnt recovered enough from surgery to go…it crushed her, she was so upset by that, but her damn family has always let her down and she wanted to leave me to go with them. she stayed and i git s a tree and we had a nice xmas and all but still…but that really seemed like true emotion she showed when telling different family members she couldnt be there for like the 3rd or 4th year in a row cause of her condition. just weird after all i did, and all she did (didnt do), that i still want to reach out to her…(DENIAL)
Good grief,
We can all write a book about our experiances with an S but it’s the same story over and over again. Same deal with me. Shes smokin hot said she loved me after a couple days. Make you feel god like huh?
She’ll never say goodbye to you because she’ll be back. Can go NC but sometimes they try harder to get at you. Don’t waste your time unless part time fantasy and misery is what your looking for. She ain’t real man, never was never will be. They become who there with.
That mean we love ourselves because we loved them?
The only part you love about her isn’t real. You don’t want a woman with the best half missing, A Heart!!
This site I think will help you understand. Keep reading.
Good Grief said…
“Is there anyway she is not an S”
Yes. She might just be a Narcissist, A Pathological Liar, A Personality Disorder, A user, A bad woman…. the point is not what she is BUT WHO SHE IS AND HOW SHE TREATS YOU…She is toxic to you and your life…She is unhealthy to you in your life….She does not CHOOSE to make you the same priority that you make her, she does not CARE to be real enough with you to make things the way you envisioned or she pretended they would be. It doesnt matter what she is, what matters is all of the things she chooses to do…that dont equate to your level of happiness and goodness. No matter how hot she is or how much she pours on the “I love you” in the moment – it is not long lasting and it is not her truth.
As far as “if she knew what she was doing from the beginning”. I may stand alone on this one…but I believe they thrive off the fun and excitement and newness of new relationships — I dont believe all of them “plan” — I think they just reach a point where the novelty wears off and all they know to do is what they were doing from the beginning — being selfish, doing their own thing (in the beginning that happened to be with you/doing you/enjoying you on that initial level of nothing serious, no commitment…and then when you progress in a healthy normal loving fashion …they are dysfunct….stagnant…they dont go beyond fun in the moment…noncommital…then they are saying things just to say them….to keep the sex going..or the money coming in…or the thrill going…and eventually they are so dysfunctional that they disappear, or end contact. Now, not ALL are like that, some probably really do make a career out of exploiting others and really do have severe pathological personality disorders — they may even sense they are different from others around them — but THEY DONT CARE — even if you tell them — they dont believe it or they just dont care who they are or what you think. They believe they are invincible. They live selfish moment to selfish moment. They go from one person to next, they have multiple affairs — they are essentially the lost ones in life — and whoever gets dragged in ends up spinning out of control because they have never met anyone like them.
Good grief, the stories are basically the same. The bad treatment, our disbelief and shrugging it off , making excuses (shes just drunk, she just had a bad day, I think she really is sick, shes just down on her luck, she really loves me how could she not love me after all ive done??) We spin our wheels because we have a healthier sense of what should be, the way relationships should unfold ( except we are unhealthy about knowing when to draw the line and respect ourselves when we are treated badly..so we stay stuck in the cycle…esp. when they give us a little attention and we think they are on their way to understanding what “we have between us” — THEY DONT — they are just using us for selfish reasons in the moment..
They dont know how to truly love. They just know the words. They know how to mimic people and say that this person isnt being moral or that person doesnt have good standards “because they have learned what we want to hear” – but they themselves have not learned or grown in any way since childhood.. except how to get what they want. They have just survived in a selfish deceiving life. To friends, family, lovers. I really studied my xtox the last year I was with him. And Ive also come to believe if I had such an unhealthy childhood that caused me to not have my own self-respect, self-love, self-trust in such a way that I was an unhealthy SELFLESS person. That on the otherside of the fence he could have had a childhood that caused him not to have any self-respect, self-love, self-trust in an unhealthy SELFISH way. A way where there is no hope for connection with others. A way where there is no desire on his part to change. Ive said Im not sure what he is an N/S/BP/A Bad Man….all I know is he makes BAD choices not only with me but with others – and his life is very shallow and lonely and disconnected and fly by night (day to day) – NOT by circumstance – BUT by choice.
I made the choice to move on because there is so much more to life than seeking the love and friendship of a selfish unhealthy person who truly cannot love himself let alone others.
Thanks ntmare…
I think I may be off the hook with her coming back in my life because of our distance in geography and because she probably assumes I told friends and family here what she did, unless that doesn’t scare her away which maybe it doesn’t if she doesn’t feel she did anything wrong…the more I read these blogs the more I see the word bankrupt. It was strange how she ran out of money and instantly decided to go bankrupt, no talking to creditors or anything…I even offered to help her and she didn’t want help at all…but she saw her lawyer but took months to file the papers, last I heard she still hadn’t and that was 4 months after deciding to do it. She would tell everyone too like it was a pity ploy, all the while still spending money like crazy in order to stock up for when she lost her credit card…she would say that she may be broke but at least she’d look good. But contrary to other stories, she wouldn’t accept help to avoid it…and I doubt she’ll ever contact me again cuz of the whole family and friends think
Learn…awesome answer, thank you…you all have great feedback and are very helpful…I try to make myself feel relived in order to combat the suffering 🙂
good grief:
She won’t file for bankruptcy. Hell, it would take effort. Besides, as I saw with my S, if it’s possible to have a negative FICO score, they don’t care.
I offered to help him file for bankruptcy — I’m an attorney. No takers. They just go on and on, from one financial disaster to the next. Personally, I think they trot out the financial problems as part of the pity ploy — and it works. Think about how much money YOU spent on her.