Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Good Grief:
You have some great advice here, so many posts since I turned in last night. No, she does not know she is a sociopath, they think they are superior beings, not burdened with guilt or fear but do not know that it is pathological. That does not mean she did not know what she was doing from the start
The S gal I knew told me how she kept a guy on the hook for 7 years, supporting her, without sex, by getting angry at him and making him feel it was his fault when they fought, and he’d send her more money than she’d asked for. That is what she did to you when you caught her in the lie about the birth control, told you that you are crazy. The sky is pink. Don’t buy it!
Yes, they pull NC to punish us so that we are at their mercy upon their return. Agree with Matt here, you need to decide not to respond when she does contact you again. They usually do, when they need something.
The phone story is ludicrous. You can buy a pre-paid phone and minutes for less than $100 anywhere in the country. If she didn’t have money you would have sent a Western.
I have to disagree with some others here, though I am not a trained psychotherapist and I’ve never met this woman, but she sounds textbook S to me. The coldness of her lies and callous treatment of you is off the chart. She was already with someone else and did not have the decency to tell you! How can any decent feeling person even think of doing that, but, hey, mine did it to me too. But even my x S at least fought with me before he stopped calling for days or weeks. Like Ntmare said, “You don’t want a woman with the best half missing, A Heart!!”
Of course she told her mother you had broken up. If she hadn’t, what would her mother think of her carrying on with the next victim? She was manipulating her own mother, hiding her treachery.
She’ll show up if she needs to, but it won’t be for love. She’ll be in some sort of jam you can get her out of. They don’t worry about what other people think of them, just like LTL said, THEY DON’T CARE, they are invincible. Like Ntmare said, “She’ll never say goodbye to you because she’ll be back. Can go NC but sometimes they try harder to get at you.” On one of the splits after he suggested something utterly cruel, we talked it out and looked into each other’s eyes, but the word “Goodbye” never came. Neither of us could do it.
You need to rid yourself of the memories and pics and stop looking at her facebook. The less information you have about her the faster you can move on. NOT knowing what he’s doing and where he is helps me to move forward more than the “support” of talking to the OW he also burned every day. Thanks, LTL!
When we were “stuck” seeing each other after he left me, I told him that I could get over it if the last time he hurt me was 2 months ago instead of 10 minutes ago. When you look at her facebook, you are bringing the hurt right into the present. It really doesn’t matter why the pics are still up but if you want a stab in the dark I would say to have the very effect it’s having ”“ keep you guessing, hoping to get back, trying to “figure her out.” Don’t bother. She’s not normal.
I could not understand either why he was pushing to continue an arrangement that was excruciating. Now I see he was enjoying it, it was exactly what he wanted all along. He saw me deteriorate to the point that he was afraid to eat the food I prepared that it might be poisoned, but he didn’t LEAVE. As long as her leaving pics on the facebook gets you looking at it, she hasn’t left yet either.
When you ask if she was afraid your family would figure her out, you are making excuses. They drive wedges between their victim and friends, even family. Be grateful that it did not get that far. And be very, very grateful you never had children. Please read some of the posts from women who did, who will not have these creeps totally out of their lives for decades.
LTL is right that their real normal behavior when the jig is up is to do nothing no email, no text, no call..nothing. They wait for you to lose your mind and call them, text them, so they can be in complete control again!
Your letter to her made me so sad, my heart goes out to you. No, no conclusions on your next letter and it might be good to get it off your chest, but I hope you don’t give her the satisfaction of getting it.
The strong desire to reconnect is part of the syndrome. Perhaps you should read “Women Who Love Psychopaths” because even though here the roles are reversed, the symptoms are identical. The intense “honeymoon bond” like nothing we’ve ever experienced because they know how to “mirror” us, then, when the abuse, lies, exploitation start up, we desperately try to please to regain that.
Like Hospice told you, “All they want is to use and abuse our trust or Love our hope for the perfect match! And they slowly TRAIN us to accept the abuse for the CRUMBS of reward.”
It’s like the old “frog in the boiling water” ”“ if you put a frog into boiling water, he jumps out. But if you put him into cold water and gradually heat it until it boils, he’ll let it kill him. That’s want they do to us. Once we put up with a little abuse, give them a little money, the next time its more abusive and more expensive until we finally have the AHA moment. Even then, many of us have gone back for more over and over until we resolved to remain NC — FOREVER.
Hospice –
Sheeple. EVIL that is alive and well and running the country.
Right on!
Shabbychic-
You have come a long way. And you are in a position to give advice simply by sharing your feelings. All of it truly is unbelievable ..but none of it is impossible to overcome and move on from. You are doing it, at your own pace and regaining (or maybe like me learning for the first time the true meaning of) your self-respect, self-love, self-trust, self- EVERYTHING. When we have that – we have the ability to protect ourselves to the absolute best of our ability – and the good decent souls that are around us are able to know us, befriend us – as they earn our trust and friendship and love and we earn theirs the healthy way.
Im glad you are in a better place. You deserve happiness!!
Ox-driver,
Proxy-psychopath? Yes, please tell me more about these people. I understand the N, P, and S all to well by first hand experiences all of my life.
But the proxy ones surrounding them…I need to know the why and the how of them as i am still feel totally confused about their investment in it. What could they possibly get out of it…oh! maybe money? He has money….
Anyone have any insight on telling the difference between an N/S and someone with borderline personality disorder? My h is now in his nice mood and doing/ saying things to again try to get me to reconcile. I am determined not to reconcile but he’s got me back into disequalibrium and doubting myself. Get’s me so confused and wondering if he has borderline personality disorder — meaning that when he doesn’t hate me, maybe he’s sincere when he’s being nice. And that borderline would be something to work with? Though rationally no, not with the way he keeps treating me and jerking me around and has for decades. Of course an S would just be playing games with me. I tend to think this is what he’s doing but the doubts that have arisen are that maybe he is borderline.
Why does all this have to mess with my head? It doesn’t take much from him to get me off balance, in the way of a few words and deeds (mowed the lawn, took some trash — and yet has neglected all kinds of big things he should’ve been doing for years). Well, am not doing so well at the moment. Any thoughts appreciated especially comparisons of borderline to N/S in the devalue/ value treatment.
Dear Nomore,
I dont have that answer for you. Hopefully somebody else will.
If you feel it isnt Sociopathy and if he really wants to save your relationship and work on it – one way to tell his sincerity is to suggest therapy and medication for his mood swings that seem to be affecting your relationship. But he would have to want to do that for your relationship.
Random words and good deeds are never enough to make the long haul and that may be why it messes with your head. You need consistency and clarity and longterm effort and work on it together if it isnt actually S/P.
Reconciling can come with the promise of therapy and medication. Otherwise Im not sure how you will not feel messed with long term. There is treatment for Borderline with therapy and med. But maybe others have more insight with how to handle what you are feeling/going through!
good grief:
I just lost a post I was writing to you after thinking about your situation with your S. So I’ll give it another go.
Trust. It was completely lacking in your relationship with your S. It was completely lacking in my relatinship with S. And I learned a very hard lesson- if trust is lacking in a relationship it is doomed to fail. The energy I expended and I see you expended trying to figure out what our Ss were up to is staggering. Now, I sit there and realize what a waste of energy, time and emotion it was. Because I refused to admit a very basic truth to myself —
Love = trust.
A big, related question you have to ask yourself is “why?” Why you tolerated the abuse? Why you tolerated the lies? Why you tolerated it all.
For me, the answer to “why?” was “because I was determined to win back the wonderful man I fell in love with.” Problem is, as I realized at the end, is that man never existed. I fell in love with an illusion. When his mask slipped in month 3 of the relationship, the real him came out.
Somebody on this site suggested an exercise there thereapist gave them. They were to list every lie, every deceitful thing, every thing the sociopath did to them and then follow it by the phrase “and that was inexcusable.” I think you might find that a helpful exercise. There is something about seeing the words in front of you in black and white that help pull you out of the brain fog.
As for the letter, it’s been sent. It’s over. It’s done. In your shoes I would change my email account. I would change my phone numbers. I would change any way this creature could contact you. Speaking from personal experience, you are never going to get the answers to your questions. More to the point, you already know every word out of her mouth is a lie, so even if she gave you the answers, you would just sit there and question those since you would think they were lies, too.
Bottom line? Who wants to live like that? I can never live like that again — all the lies, walking on egg-shells to head off his latest explosion. None of it.
But, most importantly, I will never be in a relationship again where I don’t trust the person. Because without trust, there is no love.
nomore_discombobulat:
Narcissistic, sociopathy/psychopathy, anti-social, and borderline are all part of what are called “cluster B” personality disorders. There are variations between them. POint of the matter is, it doesn’t matter where the hell they fall on the spectrum. All are similarly toxic and destructive to those who have the great misfortune to get involved with them.
Thank you all so much for your incredible responses. It’s evident that you all really care about someone that you don’t even know and that is beyond helpful in a confusing time like this. I can tell you are all putting a lot of thought and energy into responding to MY situation and I couldn’t be more grateful. I only hope to repay the favor one day to newcomers here once I get my shit back together 🙂
Kickhim2thecurb makes an interesting point though when she asks
“Anyone:
Good Grief’s “S” is pulling the NC thing not him. So, the NC is hurting him not her??!!?? I guess, right now, she thinks she has the control and is probably laughing but eventually when she thinks she will contact him again, THAT is when the NC will really start to take effect for Good Grief??”
Is there anyway to gain the upper hand. Last time i wrote her, before I knew all this stuff, I asked for closure and an apology of sorts. But now I have my closure and I dont like her thinking that I’m just sitting here counting the minutes until she finally calls…no no no… would this unique situation require me to reach out to her and inform her to never bother contacting me again because I wont respond or is there anything I can do or say to relay some kind of message to her that doesn’t come from weakness kind of like the last email I sent did. She probably thinks she still has me wrapped up n her web and I want her TO KNOW that I am no longer there. When I sent that letter to her saying I was done it was because I had to, not because I wanted to. But now I am finally getting to a place where I want to tell her not to bother knowing me anymore, which is akward because she has seemingly already made that choice bt many here think she will contact me again like I am waiting for her byt he phone or something and I want her to know that isn’t the case…
GoodGrief:
She is toying with you. Forget about who has the upper hand.
Your best revenge is to get on with your life.
No contact means NO CONTACT!! I know that is easier said than done when you are in the “eye of the storm”.
Stay strong.