Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
good grief:
What you’re going through at this moment is ruminating/obsessing. It’s part of the process. It takes awhile to get to the point where you finally decide you’re sick and tired of the space this creature has taken up in your head rent free.
The fact is, even contemplating that you want the final word with your S means she still is in control of the situation. By even telling her that you are not waiting by the phone for her to call you are giving her the opposite message.
It is when YOU finally invoke NC, that you are the one finally in control of the situation. That means you do not have to bother telling her not to contact you. That means you are the one who cuts off the communication by not contacting her and by thwarting her ability to contact you by changing emails and whatever else you hae to do to protect yourself.
Trust me when I saw we have all been where you have been. This site has been a godsend to me. By the time I got rid of S, everyone in my life was so sick about hearing about him and his abuse of me, it is a oss if they were ready to kill me or him first. And after I got rid of him, I couldn’t talk to them anymore because they just didn’t understand it.
So, feel free to vent. And feel free to get people’s advice before you do anything. Because, as I’ve said, we have all collectively walked a million miles in your shoes.
Matt
1. The coming on fast and intense. 6 dates and “I love you.” Check. “Done deal.” Check…. etc
Thanks for listing the red flags. This would be funny if the subject wasn’t so serious how these red flags come together time after time with the victims. These clear patterns show us all that we are in fact dealing with people who have “plans” and “goals” in mind whenever they are meeting someone new or been involved with someone for a short time.
goodgrief, The red flags are important to understand and then regulate how we deal with these type of parasitic people. They follow a clear path and their goals are always the same “What can I get out of this” mentality is how they will process information and your feelings. One thing to always remember is because we are just really “sources of supply” like any drug addict they will have a few sources while working on you. When one supply can’t be reach or manipulated then they will try “reaching out and touching” another one waiting in the wing.
This for me put so much into perspective and allow me to understand just how much my children and I were just objects for her entitlement and supply. At first it does hurt (emotionally) but later it allow us to walk away from something that can’t love or be loved.
Marsha, Thanks again so much for writing this. It reminds me just how “cold” my ex s/p was the night I asked her to *leave and how cold she reacted as my youngest son’s heart was breaking that night. Like I stated our minds have the ability to “block” out bad experiences but by your writing it’s good to remember just how “cold” these people can be albeit a friend family members a lover or even their own children. I guess like the song goes, they can be as cold as ice.
*The biggest lie by James
Thanks learnthelesson and Matt. I appreciate hearing your thoughts.
The more I think about it, since I posted, I’m back to thinking his motivations are simply to stall the divorce. You’re right Matt, it doesn’t really matter what the label is for the disorder. The weakness with me, or the in that he can make use of, is my perrenial desire to be fair (and, unfortunately I still love him). And this is ridiculous! Why do I carry the burden to make sure I’m treating him fairly?
As to borderline versus N/S I’m still interested in any one’s thoughts. To me, the breadth of his lies and unfaithfulnesses argue more for the N/S, though who am I to say. When my head clears I’m back to thinking his intentions are underhanded, especially in light of his past actions.
Actually he was never that nice until recent years as he’s gotten older. But now just nice enough to proclaim on one of his dating profiles that, ” I’m a kind man.” Yeah, this is real kind to your wife of 30+ years. (on another profile said he wanted married women)
I do better when I have confidence in the divorce course of action. The NC thing is the answer but I’m completely dependent on him financially and we (mostly me) are getting a property readied to sell and I have to go to him for the funds.
Learnthelesson — he doesn’t even admit to his mood swings and rages so no hope of getting help there. I was finally open to possible some day reconciliation a while back when, in my mind, he finished the relationship off for good by heaping lie upon lie about a present girlfriend, verbally abusing me in a way that was worse than the last 30+ years of it, attacked me physically, then brought a no contact order against me by lying and charging me with domestic abuse (which he later dropped). Now he’s waltzing back in without a single apology or word about all this proclaiming he loves me and wants reconciliation. I know from the past there’s no point bringing this up because he denies ever doing these things. So I really am done with him. I just start to get confused when he starts acting so sincere. Yeah, I think he’s sincere allright — sincerely wants to stop the divorce for what ever reason. But he can get to me and make me start to think he really does love me. Yuk! Hate to even write those words about him — he does not love!
Anyway, thanks guys for responding!
nomore_discombobulat:
I’m sure you’ve already discussed this with your lawyer, but I would make certain that at the closing for the property you are selling that a check is made out to YOU and is handed to you before you agree to close. If you have to wait for him to write a check after the closing, you will be waiting a very, very long time.
Remind yourself daily of every horrible thing he ever did to you. That will go a long way to cure you of any need to treat him fairly.
GoodGrief:
By “getting the last word”, or “telling her that you are not waiting by the phone”.
Translation by S will be, “He’s still willing to take my bullshit.”
Think about it.
I feel for you. She got you good. I can tell.
You are among friends here. You are way too good for what is happening to you.
nomore_discomBobulat
As Matt stated they suffer from a cluster B personality disorder. One thing to remember is it takes “years” in therapy for treatment to be effective and “long standing”. I been reading “I hate you-don’t leave me book which deals only with the BPD disorder. Again you need to ask yourself if this person does suffer from a personality disorder are you willing to “go the distances?”. I would suggest reading as much as possible on cluster b personality disorders and then decide what you want to do about it and ask yourself do you have what it takes to have a relationship with someone with this disorder? Many of us start out strong but over time we weaken and find out the “emotional roller coaster ride” gets to be too hard and draining. If they do suffer from this but don’t take responsibility and action to help themselves then you have already lost and should quit before you get more emotionally invested.
Good Luck! 🙂
just thought I’d add another characteristic that I’ve read could be linked to an S. They like crime. She watches TV all day cuz she is disabled and all and doesnt work but almost all of the TV she watches is crime related. And not fake, drama stuff but the real stuff. she doesn’t like the fake stuff at all. loves courtv and trutv and forensic files and always watches stuff on serial killers, that was like her favorite. I didn’t mind that stuff myself because it is interesting to me to get inside of a mind like that but now it all rings a bell. Also, she is supposed to write a book about her tragic accident and her 2nd chance at life and her accident was almost 8 years ago so if that says anything. She is also always, always, always late. Always. she drags her feet with almost everything…BUT on the contrary she was incredibly determined to overcome her disability because she was told numerous times she would never walk again and now you wouldn’t know there was anything wrong with her at first glance at all. contradictory but revealing. not sure if any of this means anything, just figured I’d throw it out there.
Goodgrief,
If you really want the inside “secret” to making her believe you are not waiting by the phone, or waiting for an email, or making her believe you have moved on….its unbelievable but its true …the ONLY thing that will get through to her and actually get to her (although that should not be your goal)..but its true the ONE and ONLY THING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HER BELIEVE YOU ARE STRONGER THAN BEFORE, WISER THAN BEFORE AND NO LONGER WEAK…IS TO DO NOTHING. YEP. DO NOTTA. N O T H I N G….ITS THE LAST THING SHE IS EXPECTING – IT SENDS THE MESSAGE YOU ARE SO OVER HER GAMES AND BS.
HOW DO YOU TELL HER NOT TO BOTHER KNOWING HER ANYMORE?
YOU YOURSELF NOT TO BOTHER KNOWING HER ANYMORE! SHE GETS THE HINT LOUD AND CLEAR…WAY MORE THAN SHE WOULD EVER GET FROM A PHONE CALL OR EMAIL FROM YOU!!! THE WORDS MEAN NOTHING TO THEM – ITS ALL ABOUT ACTIONS WITH THEM!!!
nomore_discombobulat:
“Again you need to ask yourself if this person does suffer from a personality disorder are you willing to “go the distances?”.”
I’d say that you’ve gone the distance? 30 years, wasn’t it?
Therapy is worthless on sociopaths. Mine used to agree that he needed therapy when he knew I was ready to cut him loose. FAct of the matter was he had no interest on changing his interior landscape. Even if your’s isn’t a sociopath, but some other cluster B, one of the characteristics is THEY ARE EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE.
In your case, from what I can tell, he has gone 30 years without any interest in making any changes through therapy. So the question becomes “why now?” I think you’re right about why he’s bringing this up now — he’s looking to stall the divorce. These creatures always, always have an ulterior motive when they announce their intention to do something, ask a favor, anything.
In your shoes, I’d be in “Danger Will Robinson” mode.
Dear Nomore,
I think Matt and James have hit the nail on the head with their advice.
And this really stood out to me, the second time I reread your post…
“though rationally no, not with the way he keeps treating me and jerking me around and has for decades”
That pretty much sums it up, huh…
Also you make a great point by saying RATIONALLY. Thats a big help when making these kinds of decisions vs. Emotionally.
Im glad you are done with him. And I understand the confusion you feel when he starts being nice to you and acting sincere…Heck, he almost got to me today via your post…of what if… I did think whether or not he felt he had mood swings, that it would be you having to demand therapy and meds, whether he thought he had a disorder or not, but decades of this type of personality and treatment probably equates to set in his ways unless he made the effort to want to change on his own. Matt and James hit the nail on the head with this one!
Stay strong! Stay focused! We are all here for you! (with all kinds of advice 🙂