Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Elizabeth,
Yeah, knowing when to be confrontational with a person that may possibly be seeking to invade your boundaries or to just shrug it off can be a confusing decision to make.
When you’re a psychologically, conscience driven, empathetic person I think you’re also very understanding and not easily irritated by subtle suspicious behavior which could be interpreted as callousness.
I was that way, once upon a time, but like Sabrina wrote…”Dont allow others to take advantage even in small, seemingly harmless situations. I have now found that allowing even small inconsiderate actions conditions us to not take a stand on larger issues and will slowly erode the boundaries we hold so precious”…..I’m now super vigilant in regards to even supposed minor boundary invasions and/or dismissive behavior towards my verbalized justified grievances.
I just won’t take any chit from anyone, any longer regardless if their family, friends, acquaintances or new men in my life.
Why should I? Why should we? We need positive, good, decent, kind, considerate people in our lives at our invitations not predators or even selfish, immature creeps!
I’m at a particular awesome stage in my life where my confidence is the highest its ever been, ditto my self-respect and dignity, and I would consider myself indepedent personified.
Like you, I’m a wee bit of a hermit, a content introvert serene with oodles of solitude. I really don’t need social interractions but if I feel I’ve been caving for too long, I go out among the masses and have a stellar time meeting and greeting, chatting and sharing with others.
I’m not bragging about how self contained I am or how strong I am; my whole life has been a struggle to find out who the hell I am and to overcome such horrible feelings of self loathing and feeling unlovable.
I wonder if I never was to know about the realistic implications of personality disorders, the truth of humanoid predators and the devastating effect they have caused me over the years….would I still be in a state of naivete and confusion?
Still believing that I’m to blame for everything? That I deserve exactly what I deserve?
Shudder…..not a nice thought. Uh-uh. Too late to go back now and I wouldn’t even want to.
I thank the Lord every day for steering me in the accurate, right direction in a solid effort to learn, educate and protect myself from evil people.
Elizabeth
“Now that I think back on it, I realize that I did tell both the N and the S what I objected to quite early. They both ignored my preferences.”
Wow did this statement ever hit home!!! Here is the thing — I stated things I objected to quite early…in fact I was proud of myself for saying and sharing the kind of person I am and the kind of person I was looking for (damnitall it had to be with a BAD MAN who i gave all kind of info to in order to lure me in LOL ) but again here is the thing— ONCE MY PREFERENCES WERE IGNORED – I didnt do much of self-anything (self-love, self-protect, self-respect) … I shrugged it off, made up an excuse, as EC says I was a Patsy of sorts… But EC you said you should have been looking for the next red flag…NOT SO FOR ME NOW, there are no staying in it for the next red flag – ONE AND DONE !!
There is no confronting. There is accepting now. Simply accepting that the person is not a good fit for me in my life simply by their lack of respect or poor choices or making me feel uncomfortable etc. etc. Stop. Change direction. Its so cool. Its empowering to know I have the ability to not get involved or sucked in or lured – because I follow the red flag system. There isnt so much “speaking up” or “confronting” its more of — stop. change direction. fade…
When dealing with everyday people or family friends I speak up if I feel taken advantage of now or disrespected. But with new acquaintances, I weed out based upon RFS.. Red Flag System.
Jane – I like what you said…learn, educate and protect myself from evil people. Effortlessly is the goal!!!
Holysaltwater — Amen to that spellchecker!!!!! Although I sometimes actually laugh at myself for being a bit to lazy to go back and proofread and then kick myself for not doing so! Esp. since Im trying to teach my son to do that and he is in 2nd grade! LOL
LearnedtheLesson:
“there are no staying in it for the next red flag – ONE AND DONE !!”
You’re entitled to this stance. You’ve been through some rough times. I may get there some day.
Right now I’m just not there.
I don’t expect people to be perfect. “Making a reasonable effort” is good enough for me. I’d have missed out on a lot of good friendships if I rejected people over the first mistake.
I do have a few acquaintances I consider more than a little pushy. I distance myself, ’cause I know they’ll run over me if I don’t. That doesn’t mean I won’t deal with them – carefully. Most of them are really hard working and clean living people with “a cause”. They’ll rope me into giving time I owe myself and my family, without a smidgen of guilt. After all, it’s for the CAUSE!
The reason we are so devestated by psychopaths is because of our great capacity to LOVE. Without LOVE, there can be no pain.
Just be glad you FEEL something, even if it is overwhelming pain. Time will ease your pain.
As far as I am concerned, to feel nothing is the greatest devestation of all.
God did not promise an easy journey, but HE did promise a happy ending!!!
Elizabeth –
Thanks for reminding me I can get carried away with that stance…and its only with potential suitors…not with family and friends!!
I did end a life long friendship this past October with a female friend who always seemed to put be down and accuse me of not making enough of an effort to get together – or who always was involved in drama and me bailing her out in so many ways (not financially) but just draining me of my personal space and time to help her — only to find her right back where she was again. I just faded after so many years…I just faded…answered her frantic texts less and less or just gave nice few word answers… I found that she would leave me feeling so badly about myself – yet all I did was be there for her when I could – and it was never enough. I miss her because we had so much history together – and if she ever changes her ways and treats me with respect I will give her my friendship again. But I just decided the friendship was borderline abusive in that she was always lashing out at me for not calling her back right away or not helping her enough. I use to stare at the phone as she was saying these thing is total disbelief!!!
But again thanks for the reminder that we all find our sense of coping and dealing and handling others and do whats best for us. If I dont do one and done with some Im afraid Ill be lured back in…so its my protectiveness right now! Thanks EC!!!
Eljzabeth Conley:
“Now that I think back on it, I realize that I did tell both the N and the S what I objected to quite early. They both ignored my preferences. Now I see that was a warning sign I should have taken very seriously. Instead of simply shrugging my shoulders and concluding the matter was inconsequential, I should have started watching for the next warning sign. There were plenty, but I was a patsy.”
So true. Only in my case, I should have taken it as a waring sign when S ignored my preferences on the BIG things. Around month 4 I thought S and I were fairly serious about each other — or so I thought at the time. S informed me, right after I had taken him on a spectacular night out at the Cafe Carlyle, that he wouldn’t be available the following weekend because he was going to a party at his ex’s and I wasn’t invited.
I told him that I viewed us as a couple and I didn’t want him going there without since I didn’t think it was good for us, as a couple, for him to go to that party. Needless to say, he went. And fool that I was, I made yet another allowance for him – instead of putting myself on guard for the next red flag.
Like you, I don’t want to nitpick, and I pick my fights carefully based on the importance the person has in my life and the importance of the issue to me. But, I will never again tolerate a lack of respect toward me and my wishes on the magnitude that S demonstrated toward me.
By the way, I thought you’d be interested. I just came back from lunch with the guy whom I met through S. I had a great time — he paid. But, seriously, it was a really nice lunch. He’s a really interesting guy and great conversationalist. And know what? S wasn’t mentioned once. By either of us. Kind of amazing considering the amount of oxygen S consumed in both our lives.
So much wisdom in everyone’s response to Marsha.
Marsha – Take some comfort in what Elizabeth said about the financial devastation. I am so reeling from my own, and the emotional still ongoing, that I just re-read Donna’s story to appreciate that I too got off “light” — about $25,000 over the past few months and about $50K before. But all the time, travel in last few years that I, or anybody, could make serious money, has left me penniless. Never knew this recession was coming.
The hurt is beyond belief. Mine did this too during our last time together: He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). Mine said he was sick but he had no real symptoms, I thought it was serious, like leukemia or something, so when he got well, I got suspicious. Then his OW told me, he sent her pictures and texts about his performance, while he socked it to me for another several thousand dollar “bail out.” Hadn’t told her about that part. For her, I just happened to be in town and he just couldn’t get out of it.
That one thing was what sent me to this site, and out of the attachment, not a relationship. Like yours “It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale” — I supported him since we “reconciled” and he was going for more, a new car, a new business, that of course I would earn millions back from as an owner, just a few thousand to get it started. Must have been exactly what he must have told the folks I had to pay back so they would not press charges.
Just today, I was talking to a friend about what Sabrina said about “Don’t allow others to take advantage even in small, seemingly harmless situations.” That’s the ticket! Once someone sees that you are willing to help them out with money, free work, whatever, once they can go to the well, they will go again and again and again and it will always be for more.
I must have told him 20 times to respect the word “No” when he asked me and not keep coming back for the same thing. During this last debacle, I had at one point broken it off. A late night, long talk, and we were back on, and the very next day he sent me an ad about the same car that triggered something in me that it was not right. I was outraged that with all the debt he had piled on me, he would even ask for anything else, and told him. Did not take him 24 hours to ask again.
Elizabeth has this right that:
Normal people heed small requests for courtesy, even if the particular issue isn’t something they consider important. It’s the cluster Bs who ride roughshod over other people’s concerns.
Also told him over and over that I did not like having to pay for things, that it made me feel ugly and used. It was always “the last time” — for years.
Red Flags: invading boundaries, wanting to move in quick, asking for money. That’s my clue to move on.
Marsha: I’m glad you got out of the relationship, I will learn from your lesson, a lot of the same mistakes I have made myself in the past, especially making excuses for them. Thank you very much for sharing what is such a painful part of your life.
Why does the psychopath want to sleep in a different bed? I have never experienced that one.
What is their purpose for doing that?
How do they rationalize it?