Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Good Grief:
Oh no. Mine pulled NO CONTACT on me all of the time! And, in the beginning, I would keep running back to him trying everything in my power to KEEP CONTACT!! Huge Mistake.
After I had enough, I stopped responding to his so called “NO CONTACT” tactics, and then HE STARTED TRYING TO RE-ESTABLISH CONTACT WITH ME!!
That’s when the power shifted into my favor, and I never gave it up after that. It drove him INSANE!!!
No contact works. That is why everyone on this site is telling you NO CONTACT!
Good Grief, I hear you. In fact, had I kept a diary…and I wish I did…your above post would have been my EXACT journal entry. I said things to friends like (I will never ever stop loving him,,,I will never get over him…I cant believe what he did to me…ALL OF YOUR WORDS, FEELINGS bring up alot of my past.
And yes he did the NC thing. Once I confronted him or called him out on something…he got tired of hearing it..and went no contact. That drives us crazy…because we did nothing wrong except stand up for ourself…and they cant really defend it anymore…so they turn the tables and go NC. I wrote a letter to him too. NC. Then sev months later he texted. I texted. It was like nothing ever happened (Because I didnt want to rock the boat…afterall HE texted…wow…yeah… NO.No.No…..just right back to the same old chit…same lies, cheating, stealing…same old ways.
It takes time, you keep wondering how they could be so unappreciative and do the things they do, over and over again…its because she is not like you – and she wont do the things you would respectfully instinctively would do — it blows your mind at first — and then you start to get it. You are you .. She is she.. Different in many ways. It then makes sense that she does what she does. She is different than you. She makes different choices. She lies. She manipulates. She is cold.
You are not. You handle things differently. You cannot make her change or do the things you know to be proper and right. She is her own person. She will do as she pleases.
Its shocking. Its overload. But you will make a full recovery. Sort it out. Accept the reality of the situation. Make that list. Look at it. Understand it. It does take us all our own amount of time. READ THE ARTICLES HERE. It will help you so much!!!! You are not alone.
Its not that she doesnt even want to know you. She only knows to be selfish..to get what she wants…to use…to lie…to manipulate….if you dont agree to that (And please dont ever agree to that) than she has no good use for you or anyone who has self-respect, self-value, self-trust. Because those people wont let her get away with her selfish unhealthy ways…because they know they deserve better. And they move on. Like you are doing.
You gave her your best.. you did for her… you cared for her.. it was a one way street. Your being knew something was wrong – you knew you werent being reciprocated let alone being treated right. You have self-respect thank goodness. You stood up for yourself.
What you cant do is change her. Or make her be somebody like you .. Or somebody she isnt. She lives her life and makes bad choices.
You deserve better. GTG… Take one day at a time..Its a lot…But its not impossible to recover from and move on. Focus on YOU!
good grief:
There are a lot of people on this site, whom their Ss did what is called the devalue and discard (ran them down, bled them dry, and then walked with not a backward glance and cut their victims off without a word). Point is, it doesn’t matter which one of you went NC first. The point is that YOU don’t engage with her on a going-forward basis.
Breakups with these subhumans are different than any other breakup you’ve been through. In a normal breakup, you can acknowledge the relationship isn’t working, and for whatever reasons it ended, you can still, after the hurt, realize that you have some good memories or the time you spent with this person, and vice-versa.
Not so a sociopath. You realize that not only were you nothing but a source of supply to this vampire, but that you never really existed in their realm, they never had any feelings about you except for what they could score off of you, and once they were done with you, they walk out the door and never give you another thought.
In my case, one of the reasons I missed my S so much was that I had completely buried me and my needs while I was with this person and having to focus on them 24/7. After 15 months of that, I didn’t know who I was anymore, or that if I even existed anymore. Slowly but surely, I started to come back, and I started to pay attention to my wants and needs. And when that happened, S slowly started to take up less space in my head.
It does boggle the victim’s mind when you look at these pathetic creatures and what you did for them and how they don’t appreciate any of it. Mine was an ex-con living in a slum tenament. He didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together. I offered him everything he wanted — I own a nice co-op apartment in NYC, I’m a professional, I have a few bucks in the bank, I can afford to travel. Not only wasn’t it enough, his lying, cheating, thieving behavior insured that at some point I was going to say ENOUGH!
Our last night together he tried manipulate me in to giving him 10 grand to pay his landlord (he hadn’t paid for 7 months and was locked out). I said no. That was all it boiled down to for him — 10 grand. He didn’t care about how generous I had been with him. He didn’t care about how I had taken care of him. Hell, if he had been smart and treated me better, I would have married the asshole and he would have had access to a hell of a lot more than 10 grand. But that’s all he saw at the end — 10 grand. And I said ENOUGH and got rid of him.
thanks rosa…I dont think she will contact me again to give me the upper hand that I want. I mean, I don’t want any hand, I just wish this never happened. I’m in such a state of denial its crazy but I still dont belive it and accepting it is borderline impossible. Unfortunalty, I dont let go of things easily so this is especially tough…I realzie that I’m going around in circles, I cant even begin to keep track of all of the stuff I posted on her to recognize when I am and am not repeating myself. Sometimes I feel so empty inside, like a shell of myself, and others I do OK, but that is the best I do is OK…I have learned a lot about myself and my charecterisitcs during this ordeal. I am a lot of good qualities that she preyed on. But I STILL CANT BELIEVE SHE DOESNT WANT TO KNOW ME OR VALUE ME IN HER LIFE, and I realize that it is probably a good thing for me but I hate feeling so underappreciated and devalued when I gave so much of myself…I know we don’t understand, but I still try to and I cant…I feel like if I pick up the phone and call her up she should want to answer for a million reasons, and the only reason I dont call is because I know she wont answer and I dont even know why!
Matt – Your post is spot on. And most specifically your fourth paragraph is what its all about and what to do!!!
That’s another trait of the sociopath, I think.
They are able to lie/manipulate themselves into the best living arrangements they ever had. But, they can NEVER sustain it.
All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride, and they just cannot do it.
LTL…when you said u wrote a letter to him. NC…do u mean u didn’t send it?
Goodgrief –
When I was in the throws of the aftermath…and mine included having to go to court to seek a judgment to get back money he stole and I also loaned…but when I was in way over my head…lost..spinning…wondering…how can he leave without goodbye…how can he treat me so bad…what about all we went through…*you get the picture GG* – I was desperately holding on, trying to hold on to WHAT I THOUGHT WE HAD — or at the least wanting answers and explanations and to understand…WOW did I just want to understand!! — but it wall all a lie — it was his way of life, living to say things i wanted to hear, to do things he wanted for himself, it was mostly a one-sided relationship after his mask fell off…and I was of the ilk “I can make him see the light about me, I can help him through whatever his troubles are, I can fix whatever is broken… But nothing was “broken” — it was what is was – a toxic unhealthy relationship — and I was prolonging it by having no self-respect, no self-love, no self-trust (i know I sound like a broken record..but to me thats the golden ticket to not only relationships but to life — HEALTHY SELFISHNESS when it means our wellbeing is at stake, and HEALTHY UNSELFISHNESS meaning we get to choose who we give our friendship and love to knowing its respected and with good decent people. Or choosing to give it away to people who treat us badly and make bad choices in general.
But to answer your question. At the time I was lost and caught up in the fantasy and the hurt and the pain…I wrote a letter….saying essentially the things you have shared. I wanted to “appear” on top, or having the last word or unphased or over it or smiling again. He made no contact for several months after I sent the letter. Until one day I received a text message as though nothing had ever happened. And I responded as though nothing had ever happened – because I had done no work on myself and was just elated that he finally contacted me (I think they set that up too)…I got sucked back in for a few months until I finally stopped seeing him because it got worse and all the same behaviors and red flags and more loans occurred. But although I physically stopped seeing him (by forcing myself to say NO (When I wanted to say yes)…and by pulling away…we had set backs of verbal contact on and off for many months…basically I was in denial, confusion, coming out of the fog, support of friends, and finding LF -just reading and never posting and a general awareness that I had fallen for a really bad person ..but kept thinking we could be friends…(dont ask, I was really in a bad place)…and finally one day…when it was clear to me this was about me giving myself away and being used and abused…he wrote Merry Christmas to me…and I never wrote back, and I havent looked back. And it was the best present I could ever give to myself. Freedom from unhealthy toxic ways and choices. Realization that I had to work on myself and my ways = NOT HIM AND HIS WAYS — If i did that Id still be spinning out of control because they dont change.
I didnt change who I was. I changed my views of others and I changed the way I was, the choices I made had to be changed — I had to choose to care about myself, respect my boundaries and be aware of others red flags that say “IM HERE FOR MYSELF, MY PLEASURE, MY POCKET, MY DAYS AND MY NIGHTS, IM NOT HERE TO GROW AND LEARN WITH YOU TO KNOW YOU, TO RESPECT YOU, AND ALL GOOD THINGS WITH YOU” – those are people that arent for me, my time, or my life anymore. He falls into that group of people for me in my life.
So when I sent the letter did I feel better? For about one day. Because he didnt respond. And in retrospect I wish I hadnt sent it, I wish I just was strong enough and grown up enough or mature enough to know that this wasnt about why doesnt he love me, it was about why am I not loving myself enough to know he treats me like shit…and he lies…and cheats….and he steals…. EWWWWWWWWWWW! If i knew that upfront Id never be pining away for such a creep! But I know that now and am pining NO MORE!!!! He is nothing. But it took me a LONG TIME to sort it out and get my priorities straight. Even had to go back into my childhood and get answers as to what made me vulnerable to being ok with being treated bad…. and having very little self value/worth. Although I never that part of me/myself was missing from my life. I just never took the time to get to know me, to take care of me, to love me….just everyone else. Thats no way to be – until youve got your chit together and can share it and give it to good souls in the world!
NC can only be understood when you understand you are deserving of loving yourself first and foremost and not looking for it from someone else! Its a choice…and its the best choice when dealing with a selfish, unhealthy, toxic person in your life. No Contact lets you get in touch with your healthy self again – when you are ready to do the work.
thanks LTL…here is a I wrote some time ago and have yet to send it…I realize that some of the things I’ve done for her pale in comparison to some of the much longer, financially draining relationships of others on here but here it is anyway…I took MANY of the things out that I did for her because the letter is was to long as it is and I feared that IF I sent it she wouldn’t read through it all. I don’t know why I’m even doing this, just because I am completely lost, especially today…I should be so happy, but like I said I am the complete opposite. any ffedback is greatly appreciated, although I know everyone will say to not send it, I understand that completely, tha is why I put it here and not to her. It is just so weird how after she treate dme like this, and I did this for her, that I would even CONSIDER reaching out like this, but as you all know, I’m beyond confused and for better or for probably MUCH WORSE, I would love to talk to her…It’s alittle repetitive cause I took some parts out and put them in the earlier letter. I WANT to get through to her, but it feels hopeless. This letter is challenging and has some reverse psychology in it in an effort to do so. As you all know, it is so hard to let go because if you remember, the last time we spoke everything was roses and even in her last email she told me she missed me and all. Sorry for the length, but it is what is inside of me. Man if she ever stumbled upon this site 🙂
I changed my whole life plan in a matter of weeks and decided to put my career on hold (on my own) and move back west to be with you and to take care of you during your surgery…
You knew from day one that being with me meant moving here and everything I did was contingent on you knowing that, which I know you did.
I took incredible care of you during your recovery. I drove home from your surgery with my hands at 10 and 2 and avoided every bump because I knew I had precious cargo.
I was right outside the door and right there when you awoke from surgery. Right there. I was in the room during your keloid removal.
I was there at the police station for the stalker thing, never expecting that you’d treat me like him. Never.
I paid for the last months rent because I knew you weren’t physically ready to go yet and I knew you wanted to deal with your bankruptcy out there.
I loaned you 700 dollars and even went and deposited it for you and you never thanked me or paid me back.
I packed and moved you to Michigan.
I bought you the best pair of earrings even though I couldn’t afford it.
I took you snowboarding and was so proud of you when everyone else gave you shit for it. I always told you how proud of you I was.
I got us a house here that allowed all of our pets and I offered to pay all of the rent to make you moving here as easy as possible. You said you’d move here.
You wanted to go to Michigan to spend time with your family and I was all for it because I knew how much it meant to you.
I offered to pay to move you here and was going to come there and do it all myself.
I took you to a football game, the aquarium on your second birthday, a comedy show and we had so much fun together. Everyday we had fun just being together.
I feel like I was always there for you and that I never let you down.
I bought us a xmas tree so that we’d have a nice xmas together even though you wanted to leave me there alone.
I got you 2 great anniversary gifts and you never even acknowledged them or thanked me. I put a lot of thought and time into that stupid calendar.
I sent you a great anniversary card and you never sent me one even though your mom makes them.
I read that therapy book you gave me and I wanted to learn how to do needles.
I bought you a $300 phish ticket as a welcoming present because you said you wanted to go and now I’m stuck with it.
When you wrote that you were ready to go I cleared money off my credit card and researched flights and truck rental options.
We told each other we loved each other numerous times every single day!
Did I do something wrong because you have truly made me feel like I am worthless to you and I find that to be impossible? Did you really start dating someone else while we were still together? Holy fucking shit…that shit makes me crack a smile it’s so twisted as this whole thing has been rather comical…I still get a kick out of it.
I know you did things for me too and I appreciate them. I did those things because I loved you and all I wanted back from you was your love. That was enough for me. If you have any shred of righteousness in your soul, you will realize that you have lost the best thing that ever happened to you…that was all in a year, imagine what could have gone down in a lifetime. So much for Idaho…
Sure, I’d get it if we went out on a few dates and you stopped calling…but we were together for a fucking year, we lived together, we have so much in common, we were best buds, and we were side by side through everything, good and bad. I mean, what the fuck am I missing here? Sounds like an awesome couple to me! Oh that’s right, you got super shady…Just in case you forgot, you were supposed to move here and we were supposed to get married down the line and start a family together and blah blah fucking blah and then you vanished and started treating me like your fucking stalker. Big difference between him and I, or so I thought. I had a lot more invested in you and there’s a big difference in his reaction and mine, but nah, you don’t appreciate that. I still miss sparky and beaner and it sucks. You suck and you don’t even care that you suck. I’ve told this story to 2 people and they both said the same damn thing: “what…a…bitch.” ummmmmmm yup!
I must be OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND to even consider this, but if you have any interest in pulling the knife out of my back then I’m offering you the chance to do it because what you did was, ya know…a tad fucked up. Against my better judgement, I’m giving you the opportunity to prove to me that you are not a cold-hearted asshole, that you are not doing this for your own enjoyment, that you do have a conscience and the ability to show a mild appreciation for the aforementioned things, that you weren’t just using me and that you do recognize the value of me and of what we had…I am a loyal, caring, loving and perhaps even forgiving person and maybe those traits made me a target for you, someone to take care of you and look out for you when you needed it and when you no longer needed me, you were done and didn’t even have the human decency to notify me. I don’t view those characteristics as weaknesses. Maybe it was all an act and if it is, looking back on it, now I see how transparent you really are. You said I love you after a whopping 6 days. But I would love for you to prove me wrong although I don’t expect it. If my girlfriend of a year who loves me so much she wants to marry me stops talking to me out of the clear blue sky and can’t explain why or even apologize, then I’m sure your plenty capable of a simple non-response. I hope you can appreciate what I’m trying to do here and the balls it takes to do it, enough to respond, although I doubt you will because for some reason you don’t even want to know me.
It just sucks that even as my friend, you seemingly enjoyed making me suffer with no remorse because you know I have no idea why this happened to us and you don’t seem willing to help me understand why something loaded with relationship talent got completely shit on, by you of course. That’s the only thing that haunts me, it’s not what happened, it’s why it happened. But that probably makes you feel good inside. I thought we were the shit, I guess you just thought we were shit. Stupid me.
If you are getting some twisted thrill out of all this, then I guess I just gave you more fuel for the fire…enjoy! I don’t miss you at all, but I miss my girl from out west everyday. It’s just too bad that you’re not her anymore. I assume with this letter that I’m talking to the real you and that she never existed. You would think (or I would), after having a 2nd chance at life, after having someone dump you because you were disabled, and having people who you wanted to be there for you throughout your life let you down, you would hang on for dearly to the one person who welcomed you into his life with open arms despite everything and who had your back through everything, and that’s the one person who you betrayed and fucked with, and in more ways than you ever deserve, still has your back. Like Jim Morrison says, “people are strange.”
If this is like a report card for you on how to fuck with someone in a life-altering way and you think that you got all A’s then your wrong. I am much stronger than that and instead of thinking you won, frankly you lost, something real special.
Thanks in advance 🙂