Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
and then this one that I realize is impossible to send, really more just aggravated thoughts written down but here it is anyway…
Why did you have to turn out to be a sociopath? (look it up, you fit the criteria to a T)
Fuck, why couldn’t you have just been for real? All the games, all the bullshit, all the lies and empty promises. No remorse, no empathy, no guilt, no loyalty…mother fucker…you just took something loaded with relationship talent and shit all over it. I thought we were the shit, I guess you just thought we were shit. It sucks to see you for who you really are, a fucking fairy tale. Man, you fooled me, lesson learned I guess. But fuck, why couldn’t you have been reallllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really did love you asshole and you don’t know what it feels like on my end because you can’t understand it. In some ways it’s not your fault, it’s the makeup of your brain combined with your upbringing, but still, I know you know the difference between right and wrong, a good thing and a bad thing, and appreciation and ungratefulness. For real, your going to fuck with me like that after all I did for you. the surgery, the recovery, the money, the gifts, moving back out there, moving you to michigan, and all of our good fucking times and your gonna do my like that? and not even apologize or show any guilt for completely fucking me over in a way I couldn’t have dreamed anyone could do to anyone, but especially you to me considering what I’ve done and who you (possibly pretended) to love? C’mon now…pull the damn knife out of my back and come the fuck forth…I don’t hate you, I can’t so if that was your goal you lose. I’m way to strong to hate anyone and you did not break me down. If you really are a sociopath then all of the research I do says to run like hell from you because you will destroy me. But I see it as a challenge and I want to help you even though studies say they can’t be helped…Research shows that I only saw what you wanted me to see, but I think you let me in more than you know and that I do know you better than you think. I miss you fucker. I know you can feel love and emotion and I know you have a conscience. What your condition is isn’t your fault, but you don’t have to let it control you and continue to hurt people that love you and care for you, like me. Resist the urge to ignore me, follow your heart, I know you have one…I felt it. Those feelings you had were real, I saw the emotion in your face and the love in your eyes. Either that, or I’m making a real big fool out of myself because you could be laughing about all this thinking about what a good screw job you did on me for me to believe that stuff was real.
as you can see, I’m struggling
And yes, I realize that this comes off as weak and desperate but that’s why I put it here and not to her
Good Grief,
Its ok. Its ok to share here whatever you need to..(be careful with the language though, I wouldnt want you to get introuble for that! 🙂
I think this is really good to get it out of you. Im still reading your post….in the meantime go back and reread mine…. You are understandably in a lot of pain and confusion. Take a minute to just breathe in and breathe out. Nothing is going to come from this today. You have time to think about everything. There is no hurry. No rush. You will get through this.
Can I tell you, Im so glad you are writing this and taking time to think everything through. I
hi goodgrief
sorry to welcome you to our club…….you are very early in the throes of this and every one of us has been as lost and pained as you ….i say this so you dont feel crazy….as i hear your cries of pain and see all the wonderful comfort of other bloggers, i wanted to add some other thoughts…
when your mind is racing so,go back and read past entries and other posts by bloggers…..try to read as much here as you can…..when you start to see the pattern that these creatures bestow upon their victims, you will begin to see the futility of looking for the why
it took me a long time to realize there is no answer to the why…this is because they ARE NOT NORMAL…..they look normal and have learned to mimic emotions to blend…but thats where it stops….yes you prob had fun and were buddies….we were just helping them /like a new ride at the fair…then when it isnt new and giving them excitement, they dont want to ride anymore
but mostly what i wanted to point out is that you continually mention how she was dumped because of her disability and her family life was lacking in support….well just consider that none of that was really true…….they tell us those things to hook us and get our pity….she was most likely smearing them as she is surely doing to you now
mine was in the special ops and saw horrible things.and had thescars to prove it……he was of viet nam age and had all the finer details correct, of course i believed this……….until one day his mom remarked on one surgery for an undescended testicle at a young age accounting for the huge scar on his lower abdomen………gee it wasnt a bayonet after all!!!!!!!!! when confronted, you and i would be ashamed or embarassed if we made up such a tale………he just shrugged it off and said i just told you that cause you wouldnt be quiet one day………meanwhile those stories with all the details went on for months and months they will NEVER make sense…NEVER….they make up conversation and answers…..
one day soon you will be at peace with no contact and will realize ther will be no closure on this one except they are very very ill
and everyone said they will recontact and i said NO WAY…well this christmas he did and i left the email unopened for days, then finally read it and did not respond……….what a great feeling……you will get there…no contact is YOU taking control back
when you read other posts you will learn sooooo much about yourself…you are probably a giving and caring person, and you will findout things about you that make you vulnerable to such creatures
this is how to help falling into another ones clutches…cause they are many more like her around read, read, read its the best therapy money doesnt have to buy wishing you some peace, terri
Dear Good Grief,
If you dont mind sharing, what did she do for you? You mention she did some things for you that you appreciate. What were all the good things she did for you?
And what are red flags to you?? Are red flags challenges to you? Its ok if they are, but Im curious what in your minds eye is where you draw the line for someone treating you bad?
This is where we differ. You call it her “condition”. I call it his “choice”. He makes choices based on one thing – his selfish benefit – that becomes he life long condition.
This letter is asking her to come back. If you think you are not well off right now…take two …take three…take four….will knock you down more and more and more.
But you are the only one who can make the choices that are right for you. You may have to go through a lot of chit too, until you have exhausted yourself.
Just like my x – she has already proven to you who she is.
Just like me, when you are ready you have to come to terms with it and accept that…. or drive yourself crazy trying to MAKE her be somebody she isnt, somebody she cant be in REAL LIFE, but just in fleeting fun masked moments, and with off the cuff remarks and fantasies.. something we have all fallen victim to.
I think it takes a lot more balls for you to NOT SEND IT TO HER, but we all had to do what we felt was best for us. The difference is you have a wealth of knowlege at this stage and knowledge = power. And power = regaining control of you. So you never give up your entire life, your self-respect, your self-love, your self-worth for another. For that is NOT what a healthy relationship is. You have alot of goodness and care and love in your spirit and soul – but what you didnt have with her were the same characteristics and traits to bring out the best in you. And despite your best efforts – you cannot bring out traits in someone – who not only doesnt have them consistently, but who CHOOSES not to display them unless she stands to gain something from her masked ways.
Be careful. You are vulnerable. And you are slowly finding your way back to ground zero. Where your foundation is and was…before you uprooted your world for anothers. You need to first stay and always be grounded for yourself . YOU COME FIRST.
Good question LTL…what did she do for me…huh, let me see, it isn’t nearly as much as I did for her but I am a very giving person. She would buy me things from time to time, she drove from out west to NY to visit me last spring, but that was during the honeymoon period of a few months, she used to give me cards and stuff and this valentines day, after I left her, she sent me a valentines day card and she said she had never done that with anyone in the past. She was a great gift giver, she would cook special things for me, she made certain sexual sacrifices on my behalf which were meaningful. And I know she liked my company, I know that which makes it all so confusing. She was proud of me and happy when I hit it off with her family this summer and again before I left her. She would help me shop and pick out nice things to develop a more mature style. I don’t know, maybe all this doesn’t add up to much but I miss it all. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss her and how tempted I am to call her up (if only she’d answer)…we really, REALLY, got along great and that to me was priceless. I used to say to her before we left out west that “what we do here we can do anywhere” because we only needed the company of each other. But nothing on the scale of what I did for her. Allowing me to be there for her was something that meant a lot to me. HEr love was everything to me, it really was, because like I said almost all but a few of the red flags surfaced after I left her. I always told myself that her moving here would trump anything I did for her because that would be an enormous sacrifice on her part to leave where she wanted to be to move here where she didn’t want to be, next to my folks, for me. And that was why I tiptoed around her when things got rocky since we seperated because I just told myself to get through that period of time and I would reap the benefit of her moving here. What happened to her I have absolutely no idea. A lot of times I doubt it was even me. I think she moved back to her family after being away for 13 years with no money. She used to say that she wanted her family to be there for her after they had let her down so many times and I think this time they were because they didn’t want her to leave. HEr grandmother, who is her rock has been given like 6 months to live and she is near her now. It meant so much to her to be there around her huge family and I feel lke once she got there she felt the pressure to stay and they were all fawning over her and making it easy. And where was I? Out of sight, out of mind I guess, and that is where I still am to her. I knew I was fighting an uphill battle to get her here right after I left. when I asked her once if she was coming she said “if I want to be with you I have to.” I never meant to impose any ultimatum on her that it was come here or else, and I think that she thought that was the deal.
Originally I was going to come back here and stay with my folks because finding rentals here is difficult and she was going home to hers. when she was recovering from surgery and all medicated, this cheap house opportunity arose and I took it with her in a fog on medication. I SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO but I assumed she would want to come, and this was about a month and a half before we were scheduled to leave out west and I know she would have let her family down if she pulled the plug on going back there. The more I think about it, the I realize how whenever we would discuss when she would come here, her answer would always be different and she would always be a little combative. First it was 6 months, then 3 or 4, and then 2. I may have pressured her into thse answers, not serious pressure, but she knew what I wanted. She would say that she doesnt’ want to live off me financially, and even once she said when I get there we are going to work on a family, maybe just to shut me up. I seriously regret not sitting her down and asking her what she wanted. When I first got back here I realized this and I wanted to say to her that if she wanted to stay there for longer she could but people told me not to do that and I also obviously wanted her to come as planned. Huge regrets. Being as independent as she is, plus all the pressure from her family, them offering her financial support, her dying grandmother, and wanting to stay there in the 1st place, I wonder if she made this decision on her own and was fearful of telling me for fear of my flipping out and her breaking my heart. I wonder if that is why she chose this awful, roundabout way of pushing me away and forcing me to do her the favor of ending it for us, essentially letting her off the hook. I have wanted to write to her about all of this and explain what I feel to see if it could possibly work and see if that explains everything, that is why I mentioned it the 2nd letter that I DID send to her about wanting to stay there not having to stand in our way, but I fear it was too late because she hasn’t responded. But I have a feeling she just got a place there and may not have internet yet and blah blah blah but that is just me making another excuse for her not getting back to me and essentially, not caring about me. It sucks cause I would have done anything to work it out with her if she hadn’t gone about it this way.
does any of this make any sense to explain her actions and maybe her not be an S? Is it worth a shot to try to salvage what I HAD with her by explaining all this to see if it strikes a cord. Like I’ve said, I dont want her to be an S and I want her to be real, obviously. Does this explain away her actions a little, although it is still unexcusable? You can tell I’m reaching here…Real or fake, I’ve never been happier in my life when I was with her and I’ve never been sadder than now…couple that with the fact that most of the red flags surfaced after I left her and I dont’ know, maybe?????? but remember, her cousin mentioned us being broken up already in her home state so maybe it was all preconceived, but it could have been preconceived for the aforementioned reasons…I don’t know, and that is what kills me and has for months, not knowing anything at all
and also remember her mentioning to me being “ready to go” in her first email to me after the phone was in the car in the shop and no internet and all that BS…that wouldn’t line up to well with what I’m reaching for, that would line up with her teasing me I think, but who knows how confused she was, or is, or will be forever…but I know I am LOL
I gotta say, it scares me that I actually get my hopes up a little that this stuff I mentioned might change anything…it makes me realize how far off I am from getting over this and that I dont want to get over it and maybe I dont want to give up just yet. But is it her or is it the battle that I want to win? I need to ask myself that seriously and I just did I guess so I’ll think about that one…but I bet I’ll say it’s mainly her, and a little of both